louxor Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I touched on this issue a while ago, but I am in a different place now and it has come up again. My ex and I share a very close group of friends who we would always see during regular group social events while we were together. Since our breakup, I have not been able to go to these events as I know my ex will be there, and I’m just not at the point where want to be around her. It’s not that I’m worried that ill lose it and spill my feelings - I think I would be able to maintain a false appearance of being okay with it at the least, but at the same time there is a good chance that seeing her will set me back significantly internally. However, I’m now at the stage where I am missing these group gatherings just like I missed my ex to begin with, so it’s almost feeling like I’m going through a separate break up with these friends now. I have been able to see some of them separately, but we all live busy lives so these group things are really the only times that we get to properly see each other. So my dilemma stands at this: - On one hand by not going to these events and avoiding my ex, I am helping my recovery. - On the other hand by not going to these events, I feel like I am being detached from these friends which is upsetting me. It’s almost like if I go, I will suffer from being around my ex, but benefit from being around all my friends, but if I don’t go, I will suffer from not seeing my friends, but benefit from not being around my ex. So basically I was just wondering if you think my decision to not go to these for the time being is the best bet? Or if I should just slap on the false smile and fake it around my ex so that I can enjoy the company of my friends, because it is killing me to know that my friends are out there having a blast and the only thing keeping me away is my ex. I hate that her presence has me wanting to avoid these situations, but at the same time I want to be cautious so I don’t send myself back.
mrwigand Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I understand your feelings completely. My ex and I also share a great deal of mutual friends, and considering it's still painful, anxiety-inducing experience for me to run into her I have intentionally not gone to a lot of events as well. I think it's fair for you to avoid those experiences, but at a certain point you most likely have to expose yourself to it and get it over with. You seem like you're at the point where you still don't want to interact with your ex, but you also don't want to keep avoiding your friends. It may be painful, but I think you should live your life and go. Good luck and I hope nothing overly hurtful happens.
Shock148 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I would tell my close friends the reason why I have not gone to see them as much as before and if possibly, maybe just set up an event where they do not invite the ex girlfriend just as they would set up events where they won't invite you so they can hang out with your ex. I think thats the only solution at this moment in time. 1
didithappen Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Hey OP, I literally know exactly what you are going through as I'm suffering through that right now. I was with my ex gf for over two years, and she broke up with me a little over two months ago. One of my really close friends, who is also my roommate, is still friends with her (they were friends before our relationship) and I have a good sized amount of mutual friends with her. So far I've yet to go to any group event with them; and my roommate generally only see's her during these group events. It's heartbreaking knowing my roommate get's to go hang out with those friends and my ex while I have to stay behind because I still have feelings for her and it would make everything worse being in her company. I didn't only lose my gf, I lost my best friend. I don't know why she won't be friends with me; I've accepted my loss and am not trying to get back together. I want to remain friends with these people because she's usually around them, and I don't know why my ex can't be mature and consider myself as just an acquaintance. She took the no contact thing really seriously. I didn't pester her or anything but sent one or two texts over these months saying that I hope we can still be on good terms because of all of our mutual friends. She didn't respond; which kills me because I never did a single thing bad and was a great boyfriend. Anyways, sorry to rant about my own situation but maybe my experience can help you. What I've done is reconnect with my other friends who aren't friends with her even more. I try to not let my situation with the ex ruin my other friendships as well. In the event I do sometime go to an event with her there I'm going to give her the cold shoulder, she doesn't deserve me and ended it meanly and brutally.
Author louxor Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 I understand your feelings completely. My ex and I also share a great deal of mutual friends, and considering it's still painful, anxiety-inducing experience for me to run into her I have intentionally not gone to a lot of events as well. I think it's fair for you to avoid those experiences, but at a certain point you most likely have to expose yourself to it and get it over with. You seem like you're at the point where you still don't want to interact with your ex, but you also don't want to keep avoiding your friends. It may be painful, but I think you should live your life and go. Good luck and I hope nothing overly hurtful happens. Yeh, I think you're spot on with this - I can't keep avoiding the situations forever otherwise ill end up losing my friends as well. I'm going to have to suck it up and just go, and do my best to act like my ex being there doesn't bother me, even if it does. Then I guess, hopefully, after a few times I will get to the stage where it actually doesn't bother me that she's there. The only thing that is keeping me on the wall about it all is not so much her physical presence, but the fact that if I accidentally overhear her talking to someone about something that I don't want to know about (like a new potential guy etc), or if I see her getting hit on/flirting with other guys, or worst case if she's there with another guy - I know she's not the type who would rub this is my face and the chances of it happening are low, but nonetheless, these are the reasons my brain is throwing up so many barriers when it comes to deciding whether or not to go to these events. But yeh - I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and go next time. I can't let her presence dictate my happiness and control my decisions.
mightycpa Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I would tell my close friends the reason why I have not gone to see them as much as before and if possibly, maybe just set up an event where they do not invite the ex girlfriend just as they would set up events where they won't invite you so they can hang out with your ex. I think thats the only solution at this moment in time.Yeah. Aren't friends supposed to choose? Maybe they have and you don't know it yet? Maybe you should host the next event.
Author louxor Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 Yeah. Aren't friends supposed to choose? Maybe they have and you don't know it yet? Maybe you should host the next event. Maybe they have, but I don't think that is the case. Obviously with any given group of friends there is some you are closer to than others, so in this case I have some people in the group who I am closer to than my ex is, and she has the same. But as an overall it's a pretty even field, which is why both my ex and I are being invited to the events - because the friend(s) organising it cares about us both and therefore doesn't want to upset one of us by only inviting one or the other.
mightycpa Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Maybe they have, but I don't think that is the case. Obviously with any given group of friends there is some you are closer to than others, so in this case I have some people in the group who I am closer to than my ex is, and she has the same. But as an overall it's a pretty even field, which is why both my ex and I are being invited to the events - because the friend(s) organising it cares about us both and therefore doesn't want to upset one of us by only inviting one or the other. Well, your only option (other than sitting them out) is to take the initiative and do the inviting to the next gathering. Depending on the social sensibilities of your friends, do you need to mention not inviting the ex?
crederer Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 My ex and I have some mutual relationships. She wasn't part of my main crew but her best friend was and as we dated that crew kinda bonded and she became part of it. So after we broke up my 2 best friends still hung out with her in group settings. They'd invite me places where I knew she'd also be there and I avoided it. This was several years ago now and she hangs out with them more than I do. I feel like she stole my friends from me. They said they don't want to have to choose between us as it is our issue not theirs, in so many words, but in my opinion that meant they chose her over me. Sucks man, I feel you.
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