PaperCrane Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 The iron is hot, strike now. Let him know that you just felt funny after being at a new place. Let him know you do like him, and more than a hookup. If you do, either he says yes, and you start dating. If he says no, you're no worse off than you are now. If you do nothing, the good possible outcome won't happen.
losangelena Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I think what Katie means is that the guy sounds interested in more than a hookup, hence him saying you're being silly. Sorry OP, I'm a little confused. You've know this guy for a year and that you really like him, but you're also saying that you feel as if what happened was just a hookup, and now you're avoiding him because you don't want to get hurt. Why do you feel like it was just a hookup? How did you guys come to sleep together? If you've know him for so long, how and when and why did the relationship change? The way you acted seems like you'd want to keep things casual, but is that what you want? And what makes you think all he wants is a hookup, too? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just kinda confused. FWIW stands for "for what it's worth."
Author HansonGirl Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 I have to log off but I will be back tonight to respond to posts. Thanks everybody .I appreciate it.
katiegrl Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 The iron is hot, strike now. Let him know that you just felt funny after being at a new place. Let him know you do like him, and more than a hookup. If you do, either he says yes, and you start dating. If he says no, you're no worse off than you are now. If you do nothing, the good possible outcome won't happen. I don't think she has to go that far. What she does need to do is STOP avoiding him when he approaches her! And start talking and responding positively to him. He is showing interest by approaching, she needs to show interest back by responding positively to his approach. Instead she is avoiding and ignoring! We all get anxious and insecure, but when someone shows interest, if we are interested back, most normal healthy functional people DON'T avoid and ignore. If your fears and anxiety are that bad, then IMO that would indicate a deeper issue like fear of intimacy, which one needs therapy to resolve. 1
PaperCrane Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 They have already had sex, this back and forth is mostly before the mating game. There really isn't anything left to be insecure about. If he keeps approaching and she doesn't make herself clear he may be trying to keep her as a FWB because, as a man speaking here, girls that are the super shy awkward types are usually the ones getting ployed into being a FWB when they think it's a relationship.
Empyrea Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Maybe you felt like things were getting too serious and you freaked out a little bit, sounds like some anxiety issue anyway. Of course, it only sounds like that because you actually communicated your feelings here, but he doesn't know that. Frankly, it's not the nicest feeling being on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour - then again, maybe there's some gender stereotyping going on as well, meaning that it might get interpreted differently depending on if it was a guy or a girl doing it. I know that as a girl, coming from a guy, I would feel a bit used. But he seemed to be handling it quite well with all the cuddling action and telling you not to be silly etc. Maybe he's just secure in himself. Or in you two. Definitely talk to him! It might help you figure out what's going on in your head and heart.
oberkeat Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 What do you mean? A flakey woman is someone who's behavior unreliable, inconsistent and self-absorbed when it comes to her interactions with men. 1
katiegrl Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) Maybe you felt like things were getting too serious and you freaked out a little bit, sounds like some anxiety issue anyway. Of course, it only sounds like that because you actually communicated your feelings here, but he doesn't know that. Frankly, it's not the nicest feeling being on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour - then again, maybe there's some gender stereotyping going on as well, meaning that it might get interpreted differently depending on if it was a guy or a girl doing it. I know that as a girl, coming from a guy, I would feel a bit used. But he seemed to be handling it quite well with all the cuddling action and telling you not to be silly etc. Maybe he's just secure in himself. Or in you two. Definitely talk to him! It might help you figure out what's going on in your head and heart. Maybe she is just playing games and wants him to chase her. Albeit subconsciously (or consciously!). Maybe that is the only way she will feel secure.... She runs, he chases. Some people (couples) get off on that type of dynamic. It's not functional or healthy, but to each his own. Edited November 6, 2015 by katiegrl
Author HansonGirl Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) I didn't interpret his comment about me being silly or his continuous interactions as an interest but instead as him not respecting my wishes. I overheard him repeating what I told him to other people but it was so I could hear. . I thought he was making fun of me. While I did notice that he was obviously thinking about it, I didn't think it was a sign of interest. He never really asks about myself and doesn't seem to want to get to know me. Yes I wish he did but it doesn't seem to me that he's that interested in me as a person .If that makes sense . I do not think this guy wants a relationship with me . Perhaps this troubles me because normally I dont want to run away .Never had that before . And it was fine .Nothing memorable. But selfish on his end .I don't like my head being pushed down and no reciprocation . . Part of it I think is disappointment too .I know what it meant that he didn't reciprocate .I know what it meant that he didn't walk me to the door . I know in my heart I can't ignore those things . When he comes and just decides we are all of a sudden connected I feel weird and sneak away at the first opportunity to avoid having to sit across from him it's odd to me that he can't respect the fact that I'm uncomfortable Edited November 6, 2015 by HansonGirl
Empyrea Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Okay, I can understand not wanting to stick around if maybe you felt like the sex meant more to you than it did to him? Like I would stick around and cuddle or just feel comfortable falling asleep, if I felt mutual interest or mutual disinterest. If it's an unbalanced situation (either way), it kind of makes it uncomfortable. Maybe that's it? You're describing all these ways you're interpreting him not being interested enough and that appears to disappoint you.. so maybe you should confront him about your expectations for the relationship and not stick around if they don't match?
Timshel Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I didn't interpret his comment about me being silly or his continuous interactions as an interest but instead as him not respecting my wishes. I overheard him repeating what I told him to other people but it was so I could hear. . I thought he was making fun of me. While I did notice that he was obviously thinking about it, I didn't think it was a sign of interest. He never really asks about myself and doesn't seem to want to get to know me. Yes I wish he did but it doesn't seem to me that he's that interested in me as a person .If that makes sense . I do not think this guy wants a relationship with me . Perhaps this troubles me because normally I dont want to run away .Never had that before . And it was fine .Nothing memorable. But selfish on his end .I don't like my head being pushed down and no reciprocation . . Part of it I think is disappointment too .I know what it meant that he didn't reciprocate .I know what it meant that he didn't walk me to the door . I know in my heart I can't ignore those things . When he comes and just decides we are all of a sudden connected I feel weird and sneak away at the first opportunity to avoid having to sit across from him it's odd to me that he can't respect the fact that I'm uncomfortable I think you should trust yourself Hanson, trust your gut feeling. If I am listening properly, you felt disrespected, used, maybe a little violated? It may be that he is not mature enough to know how to be intimate with a woman he cares for. That would be his problem....not yours. There is no reason to subject yourself again. I say leave this, it's not a match and that's ok. No harm, no foul. You know something was/is off and that is all you need. Put him behind you sweetie. 4
MidwestUSA Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I'd have been out the door as soon as he pushed my head down. It's blatantly disrespectful, IMO, altho it's something you might get away with in an established relationship, knowing each other's limits. But the first time? No. And no reciprocation? You're feeling used and afraid he wants more of the same. Trust your gut. He wants a FWB, not a relationship. He hasn't bothered to really get to know you. 2
katiegrl Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) I didn't interpret his comment about me being silly or his continuous interactions as an interest but instead as him not respecting my wishes. I overheard him repeating what I told him to other people but it was so I could hear. . I thought he was making fun of me. While I did notice that he was obviously thinking about it, I didn't think it was a sign of interest. He never really asks about myself and doesn't seem to want to get to know me. Yes I wish he did but it doesn't seem to me that he's that interested in me as a person .If that makes sense . I do not think this guy wants a relationship with me . Perhaps this troubles me because normally I dont want to run away .Never had that before . And it was fine .Nothing memorable. But selfish on his end .I don't like my head being pushed down and no reciprocation . . Part of it I think is disappointment too .I know what it meant that he didn't reciprocate .I know what it meant that he didn't walk me to the door . I know in my heart I can't ignore those things . When he comes and just decides we are all of a sudden connected I feel weird and sneak away at the first opportunity to avoid having to sit across from him it's odd to me that he can't respect the fact that I'm uncomfortable ^^After reading the above, I understand better now... thanks for clarifying further. Follow your gut.... it's screaming *something* feels off ... and it does not sound like insecurity and anxiety as I said before. So go with your gut and continue distancing yourself. He IS being disrespectful, cocky even. And yeah, pushing your head down with no reciprocation is a huge red flag IMO. I am glad you are not ignoring that! Good luck hun ..... Edited November 7, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author HansonGirl Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 Thanks Ya'll. I think the reason i was so confused and questioning myself is because i've NEVER experienced someone do this to me. But i thought maybe this is the norm. I do feel sIutty for sleeping with him without being in an established relationship, but I don't have that much experience. so i wasn't sure if like, i was expecting too much. i really dont think i am. thanks all. you helped me figure it out. I feel kinda dumb for even asking. I think i was thrown off too by his behavior. i wonder if he even realizes this is ok. Would some women be ok with that? seriously asking, i hope not, but who knows what other women put up with! 1
crederer Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Well, you should have said "I gotta get going I'll talk to you later". But since it's too late for that I'd just tell him "hey sorry about that awkward morning. Afterwards I thought maybe I gave off the wrong impression by slipping out...." etc.
Recommended Posts