Have to break NC, need some wisdom.

[Jadey]

Ok Cioc, I just wanna say well done for keeping ya cool in that phone call. You didnt say much and that is good. Ok maybe calling her wasnt the best idea, and maybe email would have been alot better, and maybe those books wasnt REALLY why you called her. Im not saying you dont want your books back and they arent precious to you. But, come one there must have been abit of hope, abit of "oohh i hope she answers" Thats is only natural really, i do the same, and i bet ya most people on here would/do.

 

But, to ther others, i know you guys are only tryna help cos you dont want to see him hurt which is great, but go easy on him. Atleast he didnt propose or anything! haha He kept it nice and simple, well done!

 

And i bet you she is probably feeling slightly emotional cos of it too..

 

Which i dunno if you think is a good thing or not

[EC]

Anyway, it's over. I maintained my composure and probably got some respect back for not haggling her.

 

You didnt get respect back. Shes probably thinking damn Its been 9 days I wonder how long he can hold out? And then you called her and she said AHA I knew he would call soon enough. Sorry CIOC..but I think you need more than 9 days of no contact.

 

Are you seriously going to go on life support without your 'Marine Bible'?? C"mon now. Well all know you just wanted to call her and make her have you in her head for like a second. And then now your going to get dressed cute just in case shes on the porch or I will read another thread from you asking..

 

" Im going to pick up my books..should I leave a note on the porch saying thank you?"

 

 

Let it go. Its over!! Have a friend pick up the books and then do NC for real this time! Like another poster said she can't miss you if you are always there. 9 days is not enough!!!!!

[greenhorn]

CIOC, You need to get an objective assessment of your situation. You don't say what you feel but your actions does prove what you were feeling.

 

Sorry to be a bit harsh, the whole point of calling her and not mailing her was just to talk to her.You were all the time saying that it would reach VM while secretly praying that she picks it up.

 

You say on LS something and do something else. You know how she would have felt after getting your call, exactly what EC said. You are now making yourself pathetic before her and the next time she might say to you something like

 

" you know I hate to see you in such a pathetic condition after I dumped you. Please go and die , that could be the only diginified way you have got for ending up with me "

 

THe day you said something like

1. Got her mail

2. Saw it

3. Deleted it,

 

We all congratulated you for taking the crusade for the dumpee's but now you are letting all the dumpee's down. Don't do this.

 

NC is not that difficult as you think, they are easier to maintain if you want dignity.

 

good luck

[greenhorn]

To add to what I said just now,

 

Don't give the excuse that the books were valuable to you. I would rather lose all my lifelong earnings than seeing in flesh or talking to someone who dumped me.

[ConfusedInOC]

Guys, I love you all, really I do. The simple fact you're berating me makes me smile because I know that you care.

 

I can be honest with myself. I DO want my ex back but *NOT* if she hasn't matured and still sees me the same as she did before. I am taking some of Universe's advice and am going to stop playing the victim and feeling sorry for myself. What happened was just as much my fault as it was hers. And if you read how Universe got his ex back, that long thread that I just printed out and vow to follow, you'll see what he means.

 

I can't focus on the past. What is done is done. I should never try and convince her she was wrong. The decisions she made were based on what was happening at the time. I was blind because she didn't love me the way *I* wanted to be loved. I was trying to get her to love me the way I wanted her to and in the process refused to believe she was really showing me love.

 

I am going to concentrate on the things I have been wanting to do to better myself. And one of those things is to open my eyes, try and put myself in someone else's shoes and see the situation for what it is, not what I want it to be.

 

If she comes back, it will be slowly, not running back into my arms. She'll take things cautiously. I'm over-analyzing, I know that, but perhaps the reason why she wanted to stay friends is to leave the door open a crack. The thing is, if I never changed my own perspective, then we'd just repeat the same problems. Something has to change for us to get back and if that's me and my perspective, so be it.

 

But one thing to keep in mind. As long as I love and respect myself, what happened before won't happen again. And if we never get back together, then at least I am armed with the knowledge of past mistakes and am a much, much wiser man.

 

I'm sticking to NC right now. She'll never miss me if I am not gone (I agree) and to gain my respect back, I can't make myself available at her every whim. I can't reply to every email or phone call. I gave her every opportunity to grow tired of me. Not anymore.

 

I realize I am probably going to get flamed for saying all this but after many nights of analyzing my situation, I finally feel like I have a handle on what's going on and realize destiny is in God's hands. I actually slept well last night and have been able to put some food down (I've lost 14 lbs of fat since April 18th). It's amazing the wonderful feeling of knowing you are a child of God.

 

It's important for you guys to realize that I agree with NC and it does makes sense in my case; the less I talk to her the better, but it doesn't mean NEVER. I am not seeking her out to reconcile with her. The no contact guide says this:

 

Practicing "No Contact"

Now no contact doesn't mean never talk to your ex. But it does mean that you should not pursue your ex. Doing so will push them away. Don't solicit mutual friends or your ex's family to talk to the ex. Talk to them if they are your friends, but don't give them missions, and don't ask them questions. It's best that you don't even talk to them about your ex unless they bring it up.

 

If your goal here is to reconcile, what you are trying to do is show your ex that you are independent and strong. You want them to see you in the best possible light. Every time you try to get them to see things your way, change their mind, or talk to you, you are pressuring them to do what you want. Every time they see that they will run away. What you want is for it to be their idea.

 

So again, it doesn't mean you will never talk to them. You should show them you are strong, independent and never pressure them or discuss the past (unless it's relevent). The purpose of my call was to be strong and tell her "I need my books back." It wasn't a plea for her to come back to me. It was an opportunity to show her that I am strong and when I need to talk to her, I will not pressure her or "put her on trial."

 

I think you guys are great. I do listen to your advice. As much as you want to chastise me for breaking NC, I needed to do it in this manner. The goal here isn't to win her back NOW, the goal was to show her that I could talk to her without pressuring her, without laying a guilt trip on her and move on.

 

I accomplished that.

 

If she calls me back, I'll let it go to VM. I'll make myself unavailable. (and I am pretty busy lately). She'll eventually see that I've got my act together and if she still feels something, she'll spark up a friendship. And I will see her eventually so this is just preparation for the inevitable.

 

In the meantime, I *AM* going to hang out and date other women. I don't want to close to the door to something better.

 

God will either change my heart or hers. Only time will tell.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by greenhorn

CIOC, You need to get an objective assessment of your situation. You don't say what you feel but your actions does prove what you were feeling.

 

Sorry to be a bit harsh, the whole point of calling her and not mailing her was just to talk to her.You were all the time saying that it would reach VM while secretly praying that she picks it up.

 

You say on LS something and do something else. You know how she would have felt after getting your call, exactly what EC said. You are now making yourself pathetic before her and the next time she might say to you something like

 

" you know I hate to see you in such a pathetic condition after I dumped you. Please go and die , that could be the only diginified way you have got for ending up with me "

 

THe day you said something like

1. Got her mail

2. Saw it

3. Deleted it,

 

We all congratulated you for taking the crusade for the dumpee's but now you are letting all the dumpee's down. Don't do this.

 

NC is not that difficult as you think, they are easier to maintain if you want dignity.

 

good luck

 

At the time, it was a lot easier to maintain NC because I thought she was single and hurting too. It turns out she wasn't. My perspective was immediately changed and I started feeling extremely sorry for myself. It's been almost three weeks since that day and I have had only a few conversations with her.

 

Every day I get a little better. I think I am done crying and feeling sorry for myself. I know what areas of my life I need to improve and I think minimal contact to none with the ex is still the way to go. Her heart has to change on it's own. I can NEVER change it forcibly nor do I want to.

 

And if it never changes, as long as I am building up my self-confidence, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, I will inherently be attractive to someone else that just might be better for me in the long run.

 

I kind of see this as a win/win situation, don't you?

[FolderWife]

[Illusion24]

Wow...can't wait to see how the other's handle this one...I got bashed I feel it coming for you!

 

Confused...What is so hard about NC...Do you really really need that book???? Come on we're all adults and you've gone on and on and on and on and on about NC and now the master himself is going back on his word and all the hard work he's put into finding yourself, you actually want to call her to get a book???

 

I dunno call me crazy but stick to a plan. If you're going to talk to her one more time, make sure you get everything all at once. It seems you're finding excuses to see her so she can maybe see how much you've changed and your not sweating her or the relationship anymore. Whatever it is, get it over with, you're only causing yourself more pain.

 

This is getting old! Sorry dude but let's talk about something else

[alphamale]

Originally posted by NeverSayNever

I dunno call me crazy but stick to a plan. If you're going to talk to her one more time, make sure you get everything all at once. It seems you're finding excuses to see her so she can maybe see how much you've changed and your not sweating her or the relationship anymore. Whatever it is, get it over with, you're only causing yourself more pain.

I agree NSN. The total antithesis of the "alpha male" is a guy who wavers, is indecisive and does not follow a path once it is established. Women don't like men like this and actually, men don't like men like this.

[FolderWife]

The title of the thread is "Need some wisdom" but he didn't even LISTEN to the WISE WISE WORDS that were given to him!!!

 

People are so frustrating. An email would've been the way to go. Now, he will have to contact her again to make sure she leaves the book outside.

 

So funny! He's so desperate!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Monday

So funny! He's so desperate!

isn't that the truth, MONDAY? And over what? some woman who is highly replaceable.

[outdated]

Originally posted by Monday

The title of the thread is "Need some wisdom" but he didn't even LISTEN to the WISE WISE WORDS that were given to him!!!

 

People are so frustrating. An email would've been the way to go. Now, he will have to contact her again to make sure she leaves the book outside.

 

So funny! He's so desperate!

 

Hate to say it, but it's true. How many times do you have to get stepped on before you just lie down.

 

 

Originally posted by alphamale

 

isn't that the truth, MONDAY? And over what? some woman who is highly replaceable.

 

This girl wasn't even close to right for him. He needs to just let it go. NC or no NC. Pick one and go with it.

[ConfusedInOC]

You guys are a riot.

 

You take everything so darned seriously.

 

RELAX. CALM DOWN

 

I've done enough homework that I know what I am doing. I am not setting myself up for failure, I am setting myself up for future success, be it with her or someone else.

 

Now let's all have a group hug.

[Illusion24]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

You guys are a riot.

 

You take everything so darned seriously.

 

RELAX. CALM DOWN

 

I've done enough homework that I know what I am doing. I am not setting myself up for failure, I am setting myself up for future success, be it with her or someone else.

 

Now let's all have a group hug.

 

With her?? I'm so confused...wow I thought I was bad

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

At the time, it was a lot easier to maintain NC because I thought she was single and hurting too. It turns out she wasn't. My perspective was immediately changed and I started feeling extremely sorry for myself.

 

Do NC

 

Every day I get a little better. I think I am done crying and feeling sorry for myself. I know what areas of my life I need to improve and I think minimal contact to none with the ex is still the way to go. Her heart has to change on it's own. I can NEVER change it forcibly nor do I want to.

 

Do NC

 

And if it never changes, as long as I am building up my self-confidence, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, I will inherently be attractive to someone else that just might be better for me in the long run.

 

Do NC with her and try to look for your opportunities with somene else and not with her.

 

I kind of see this as a win/win situation, don't you?

 

Definitely it is a win-win situation if you can learn out of your this experience and then use it for your better in the next relationship. Just make one thing clear that you want her or someone else, in any case you need to do NC. Breaking NC will never help her in coming to you.

 

I am sorry the chances of her coming to you is very bleak as it is evident from your posts that she has already moved on and I remember you wrote that she has hooked up with someone else.

 

All that you write makes so sense and seems logical but when it comes to doing something you do exactly the opposite.

 

I would once again suggest you for that version of NC where it means that " thou shalt never contact your ex, even if ex dies thou shalt not go to his/her grave"

[Jadey]

Damn....give him abit of a break!

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by greenhorn

Do NC with her and try to look for your opportunities with somene else and not with her.

 

I am, I am. I have left the door with her open just a crack, but I am not hanging on. My door right now is wide open for someone else to come through and though I know I am not ready to jump into another relationship, I AM ready to start hanging out with someone.

 

Definitely it is a win-win situation if you can learn out of your this experience and then use it for your better in the next relationship. Just make one thing clear that you want her or someone else, in any case you need to do NC. Breaking NC will never help her in coming to you.

 

That's exactly what I am doing.

 

I am sorry the chances of her coming to you is very bleak as it is evident from your posts that she has already moved on and I remember you wrote that she has hooked up with someone else.

 

Agreed. I am not arguing that at all. As I said, if we ever got back together it would have to be after being friends again for a long time. Neither of us are ready for that and it may never happen at all.

 

All that you write makes so sense and seems logical but when it comes to doing something you do exactly the opposite.

 

Not exactly. Breaking NC for a good reason isn't like breaking NC and begging and pleading. Read the NC guide and it tells you that NC doesn't mean NEVER talking to your ex. It's to give you both space and to show them you are strong, but there WILL be times when you need to talk. And like I said, I WILL end up bumping into her one day. I am getting over her and I am prepared when I see her to remain calm, confident, self-assured and masculine - CCSM

 

I would once again suggest you for that version of NC where it means that " thou shalt never contact your ex, even if ex dies thou shalt not go to his/her grave"

 

I appreciate your advice, but would ask you read the NC guide, the last link in my siggy and show me where it says NEVER contact your ex again. It's more about not begging, groveling, etc. Trust me, she wouldn't have taken my call if she didn't want to talk to me.

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

Not exactly. Breaking NC for a good reason isn't like breaking NC and begging and pleading. Read the NC guide and it tells you that NC doesn't mean NEVER talking to your ex. It's to give you both space and to show them you are strong, but there WILL be times when you need to talk. And like I said, I WILL end up bumping into her one day. I am getting over her and I am prepared when I see her to remain calm, confident, self-assured and masculine - CCSM

 

I appreciate your advice, but would ask you read the NC guide, the last link in my siggy and show me where it says NEVER contact your ex again. It's more about not begging, groveling, etc. Trust me, she wouldn't have taken my call if she didn't want to talk to me.

 

I know the NC guides, they have grown post by post while I was here but I don't think they are bible.

 

Tell me one thing, if you have broken up , don't wish to be together, she cheated you or dumped you, you don't want to be friends then what is the need to break NC even after few years down the line, even it is not for begging or grovelling. What you have to do with her when you have moved on, after moving on she becomes one of the six billion ppl on this earth.

 

For me NC means never talking to your ex, just to put weight behind what I say, I was dumped after 7 years and then I did NC and it is six months now I never break it nor ever it came with my mind to break it. No it does not mean that I am with some one else, I didn't even talk to any girl till now after my breakup that day. I don't think of breaking NC cause I have nothing left to do with her, she might be married and would be happy in the arms of her hubby, what is that got to do with me ?

[whirlwindlove]

Hello Confused,

 

I have read through your posts. My heart goes out to you. It is very hard to fool your own heart! To me it sounds like you are trying to move on, and put on this way of being, but I don't know how well it is coming across. Where I share empathy with you, is in the fact how you try to justify your actions, but somehow they only make sense to you. Sounds like your trying to put on so many different faces, and trying to cover every angle possible towards your ex. In reality, exs know what your trying to pull. It doesn't matter the tone, it is the action they see. Any excuse to show them in your new light. Think about this, in your head you trying to convince yourself, that your book is so important to have. Really it is a last attempt to justify you breaking NC, but you are trying to convince people who are going through the same thing. So they are trying to tell you no, your only BSing yourself If your ex knew how important that book was to you, and she knew you wanted it, but didn't contact her-NOT EVEN FOR THAT. Dont you think that would leave a bigger impression. Confused, she doens't see that way now, because you contacted her. She only views this situation as a need to see her. My advice would be pray for serenity at night, for the things you cannot control, and the courage for the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

WWL

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by whirlwindlove

If your ex knew how important that book was to you, and she knew you wanted it, but didn't contact her-NOT EVEN FOR THAT. Dont you think that would leave a bigger impression.

 

I will vote this as the post of the century. I agree to it infinity extent, WWL seems it happened with you so you understand this and put it.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by whirlwindlove

Hello Confused,

 

I have read through your posts. My heart goes out to you. It is very hard to fool your own heart! To me it sounds like you are trying to move on, and put on this way of being, but I don't know how well it is coming across. Where I share empathy with you, is in the fact how you try to justify your actions, but somehow they only make sense to you. Sounds like your trying to put on so many different faces, and trying to cover every angle possible towards your ex. In reality, exs know what your trying to pull. It doesn't matter the tone, it is the action they see. Any excuse to show them in your new light. Think about this, in your head you trying to convince yourself, that your book is so important to have. Really it is a last attempt to justify you breaking NC, but you are trying to convince people who are going through the same thing. So they are trying to tell you no, your only BSing yourself If your ex knew how important that book was to you, and she knew you wanted it, but didn't contact her-NOT EVEN FOR THAT. Dont you think that would leave a bigger impression. Confused, she doens't see that way now, because you contacted her. She only views this situation as a need to see her. My advice would be pray for serenity at night, for the things you cannot control, and the courage for the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

WWL

 

WWL, well put and I understand.

 

Thank you.

[whirlwindlove]

Well i just experienced a few things in this world. I believe when you are confused, and doubting yourself; to understand, look objectively from their shoes. I mean don't just glance and think you know, because you don't. All that will do is cause you to fill in the blanks with YOUR FEARS. What we do as humans, we ask for everyone's opinion, until we find the one that will agree with our hypothesis, because that just fools us even more. It is hard, because we turn off our senses to reality when we our hurt. So it is up to you to decide, to want to hear something to sugarcoat our worries, or to want to rip off the bandaide and move on?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by whirlwindlove

Well i just experienced a few things in this world. I believe when you are confused, and doubting yourself; to understand, look objectively from their shoes. I mean don't just glance and think you know, because you don't. All that will do is cause you to fill in the blanks with YOUR FEARS. What we do as humans, we ask for everyone's opinion, until we find the one that will agree with our hypothesis, because that just fools us even more. It is hard, because we turn off our senses to reality when we our hurt. So it is up to you to decide, to want to hear something to sugarcoat our worries, or to want to rip off the bandaide and move on?

 

I'll tell you when my head is screwed back on straight.

[Angeleyez2583]

Do you have any mutual friends? You could always have one of them go and pick up your book for you. Just a suggestion so you don't have to break NC.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Angeleyez2583

Do you have any mutual friends? You could always have one of them go and pick up your book for you. Just a suggestion so you don't have to break NC.

 

That has been suggested several times. The ex is an introvert and would not want to be around other people. We had only ONE mutual friend and she lives farther away than I do. That wasn't an option.

 

My ex lives 150 miles away, round trip.