Mauve Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 This is kinda a weird thing, and it's honestly not as mean as it sounds in the title (there's a tl;dr at bottom) I love my boyfriend, we've been together about 4 months now. He's amazing, sweet kind, everything. I'm 18, he's 19. He was my first, while I was his 3rd (which I'm okay with considering there's guys on 20+ girls). Now I'm very insecure, I had an ex, one whom was online who mentally abused me calling me ugly, pathetic, fat (when I was 16, 5 ft 4, weighed 110 pounds) so it destroyed me in terms of confidence. Now present day, like I said this boyfriend is amazing. Honestly the best and I could imagine my whole life with him (despite our age), we've talked about marriage etc. I am 100% comfortable with him, I am obviously insecure during sex and try cover my body and get upset if he makes weird faces but that's my own fault and despite it being my fault he reassures me he loves me and my looks/body. He is actually very good looking aswell, better looking than me for sure, I would say the only thing I don't like about him, and that stopped me from going out with him at first his that he's smaller than me in height. Now it's not an issue at all though. I still find him manly, sexy and I still feel like a girl around him (which was what I was scared I wouldn't feel like dating someone smaller) Now I love couple photos when I see them on facebook they are adorable and I know they aren't that important but the fact I'm too ashamed/scared to take one scares me? I can take selfies and upload them fine, I take photos with my friends (including males) and its completely fine. I have no anxiety doing it. But as soon as my boyfriend brings out his phone and takes a photo I run away and get close to crying from fear, I don't like getting a photo with him and now he's getting hurt thinking I am ashamed to be seen with him. Which IS NOT true!! I love him and he's so much better looking than me it should be an honour to get a photo with him! I was just looking for some advice on why I'm scared to get photos with him, and how to get over it? My personal opinion is that I don't feel pretty or good enough to get a photo with him, like I'm embarrassed for him to upload it and people to think "why's he with someone that's not as good looking as him" "oh wow hes downgraded from his ex". Like I just feel like getting a photo side by side shows how ugly I am compared to him, and I don't know to get over it. I know this is kinda pathetic but it's honestly making me cry at night because almost everything is amazing but this, and I fear I'm truly hurting my boyfriend feelings a lot. (tl;dr after a mental abusive relationship, i think im too insecure to take photos with my boyfriend, and now hes getting hurt by it, what do i do to get over it?)
gaius Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Back when I was a kid and fat as a house my mother used to take pictures of me whether I wanted her to or not and I just remember looking at them afterwards and being totally grossed out. =/ To the point that even though I'm not like that anymore when I get a camera pointed at me I still get some of that sick feeling in my stomach. Stuff like that can take a long time to resolve. All I can suggest is to think about your love for your partner whenever the camera comes out and approach it as a loving act for them. Because that kind of stuff is important for a lot of people. Usually that makes it tolerable for me.
d0nnivain Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 You are not fat! Your EX BF was a jerk. However, I completely understand how his nasty comments effected you. In college I was 5'7 & weighed 110 lbs but my BF called me "fat red hippo". He thought he was being cute because red is my favorite color. The way I finally got over it was to let people take my picture. After a while hearing the compliments I got over the damage done by my EX. Try it. They are digital pictures. Very easy to delete. Also look at yourself through your current BF's eyes. He's far less critical then you are. 3
GunslingerRoland Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I can't say I understand it... if you're comfortable to take selfies, and pictures with your friends, why wouldn't you be comfortable to take pictures with him? I think this may be one of those, just get over it moments... 1
Zippy2000 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I can't say I understand it... if you're comfortable to take selfies, and pictures with your friends, why wouldn't you be comfortable to take pictures with him? I think this may be one of those, just get over it moments... I agree with this. Doesnt make any sense. You can take pictures of everyone else but your boyfriend. I suggest OP you RE-READ entire post. There are some contradictions in what you say. You mention: "I am 100% comfortable with him" You`re not. You can always tell by people by the way of their actions. The very fact you dont like your boyfriend being in pics with you stems from these 2 things in your post: He`s better looking He`s shorter than you. You say you are 100% comofrtable but your actions dont. Let me ask. How many pictures do you own or your boyfriend own of you and him? 1
smackie9 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 The best therapy is to expose yourself to your fear. Force yourself to be in photos. Just remember no one is criticizing the photos but you.
pidgeon1010 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 If you're comfortable taking pics with other people and are only scared of taking pics with him, then I would say you're not 100% comfortable with him. Maybe the height is more of an issue than you're willing to admit.
Author Mauve Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 I agree with this. Doesnt make any sense. You can take pictures of everyone else but your boyfriend. I suggest OP you RE-READ entire post. There are some contradictions in what you say. You mention: "I am 100% comfortable with him" You`re not. You can always tell by people by the way of their actions. The very fact you dont like your boyfriend being in pics with you stems from these 2 things in your post: He`s better looking He`s shorter than you. You say you are 100% comofrtable but your actions dont. Let me ask. How many pictures do you own or your boyfriend own of you and him? I used the '100% comfortable" with him to show that not including the photo thing, I am able to do anything with him without any worries. Of course I'm not actually 100% comfortable with him, I guess I should of worded myself better. Him being shorter than me isn't the reason for the no photos, as it wouldn't even show in photos, I know that as a fact. I mentioned that because I wanted to let anyone who gave me advice know that I'm not bothered by it at all despite worrying about it before we dated. I have tons of photos of my boyfriend, just him. Ones I take of him with my animals (since he's not a big lover of animals so when he holds one of my cats or dogs it warms my heart), and ones of him just smiling or anything really. I'm pretty sure he has quite a few of me, I don't get shy or anxious when he takes photos of just me, it's not him I'm uncomfortable of seeing them. It's more like I know I'm not good enough so I'm scared that when he uploads a photo of me and him, someone might say something to him negatively about it. Sorry if I wasn't clear enough to anyone, I'm a bit stupidly emotional over it, so I just write my emotions, I don't aim to write a A+ Essay for University, so there will be some plotholes, grammar mistakes and obvious just dumb sentences. I'm sorry.
Myragal Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I can't say I understand it... if you're comfortable to take selfies, and pictures with your friends, why wouldn't you be comfortable to take pictures with him? I think this may be one of those, just get over it moments... I agree. If it more than this, there is a psychological issue. Perhaps best you talk this over with your doctor. An 18 year old is an adult and should have developed reasonable coping skills. If an issue like this is causing such anxiety then you are not prepared to cope in an adult world.
Author Mauve Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Also quite note, thank you everyone for replying! I have read every single response and thank you for the advice so far, I obviously can't reply to each one individually but I think the main thing to do is just suck it up and let him take a photo, it's almost like an instinct to run away and cry but I gotta get over it
Author Mauve Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 I agree. If it more than this, there is a psychological issue. Perhaps best you talk this over with your doctor. An 18 year old is an adult and should have developed reasonable coping skills. If an issue like this is causing such anxiety then you are not prepared to cope in an adult world. I did previously have counseling for cognitive behavioral therapy, but I was let go as she believed I no longer needed it, maybe it's best to look into getting it again, or a didn't form of therapy.
Redhead14 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 This is kinda a weird thing, and it's honestly not as mean as it sounds in the title (there's a tl;dr at bottom) I love my boyfriend, we've been together about 4 months now. He's amazing, sweet kind, everything. I'm 18, he's 19. He was my first, while I was his 3rd (which I'm okay with considering there's guys on 20+ girls). Now I'm very insecure, I had an ex, one whom was online who mentally abused me calling me ugly, pathetic, fat (when I was 16, 5 ft 4, weighed 110 pounds) so it destroyed me in terms of confidence. Now present day, like I said this boyfriend is amazing. Honestly the best and I could imagine my whole life with him (despite our age), we've talked about marriage etc. I am 100% comfortable with him, I am obviously insecure during sex and try cover my body and get upset if he makes weird faces but that's my own fault and despite it being my fault he reassures me he loves me and my looks/body. He is actually very good looking aswell, better looking than me for sure, I would say the only thing I don't like about him, and that stopped me from going out with him at first his that he's smaller than me in height. Now it's not an issue at all though. I still find him manly, sexy and I still feel like a girl around him (which was what I was scared I wouldn't feel like dating someone smaller) Now I love couple photos when I see them on facebook they are adorable and I know they aren't that important but the fact I'm too ashamed/scared to take one scares me? I can take selfies and upload them fine, I take photos with my friends (including males) and its completely fine. I have no anxiety doing it. But as soon as my boyfriend brings out his phone and takes a photo I run away and get close to crying from fear, I don't like getting a photo with him and now he's getting hurt thinking I am ashamed to be seen with him. Which IS NOT true!! I love him and he's so much better looking than me it should be an honour to get a photo with him! I was just looking for some advice on why I'm scared to get photos with him, and how to get over it? My personal opinion is that I don't feel pretty or good enough to get a photo with him, like I'm embarrassed for him to upload it and people to think "why's he with someone that's not as good looking as him" "oh wow hes downgraded from his ex". Like I just feel like getting a photo side by side shows how ugly I am compared to him, and I don't know to get over it. I know this is kinda pathetic but it's honestly making me cry at night because almost everything is amazing but this, and I fear I'm truly hurting my boyfriend feelings a lot. (tl;dr after a mental abusive relationship, i think im too insecure to take photos with my boyfriend, and now hes getting hurt by it, what do i do to get over it?) You think about how it's affecting your boyfriend and if that is important enough to you, you simply just GET OVER IT. Get out of your head which is filled with negative self-talk and out of everyone else's head too. Your boyfriend apparently thinks you're attractive and is proud to be seen with you. What does anything anyone else thinks have to do with you and your boyfriend? My grandmother used to say this to me when I was young and feeling self-conscious -- "People don't think about you as much as you think they do".
Myragal Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 My grandmother used to say this to me when I was young and feeling self-conscious -- "People don't think about you as much as you think they do". So true. We get a pimple or bad hair day and believe the whole world is focused on our issue. Reality...they are obsessed with their own pimple. CNN headline. 'World leaders hold crisis meeting to discuss hysteria over pimple on Mary's nose'. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I was a little self-conscious about having my picture taken with my boyfriend from a couple of years ago because he was very dreamy-looking. I'm all right, but he's soooo cute. Women threw themselves at him! But I just smiled genuinely for the pictures, and when I look back on those pictures now, I don't think he's really that much cuter than me. I think we looked good together. We are always our own worst critic. Try to relax and enjoy. Easier said than done, I know 1
itsallamystery Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Systematic desensitization. In this case, for whatever reason, you are afraid or unwilling to take pictures with your ex. This might some dumb, but you could simply start by taking pictures and not posting them. Gradually as you see that whatever perceived "fears" you think are going to arise dont your comfortable level will increase. Post a picture, but put in on private. If you are still feeling good chances are you'll be able to post pictures publicly now knowing that these fears are not going to be experienced. Thats me speaking from my professional (behavior analyst) hat. Personally, I'd like to add there are some things about your relationship that are a bit conflicting. Whose slept with more people, who is taller shorter, prettier or uglier. Stop taking inventories of whose "better" and just enjoy being. At 18 or 19 you are overthinking this WAY too much. I recognize, relativity speaking you might think these are issues but I assure you they are not. If you guys are in a relationship there is a mutation attraction towards each other for whatever reason. Doesnt matter why. 2
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