He doesn't wish to commit ... I am still not over us

[Mari-gold]

Hey everyone,

 

I have been going through the threads reading and reading these past two days trying to find a way out of the way I am feeling. I woke up today, second morning since he broke up with me, and feel even worse than yesterday. Yes, I know I don't expect miracles after such a short time and to just get up and not think about him, but I wanted progress in feeling better.

 

I felt a bit silly wanting to write here since I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months and 4 dates, so I couldn't understand why I felt so heartbroken. I have now realised its not the time that affects your heartbreak, but the connection with the person and the way it ended. Meeting this guy I was astonished to meet someone so like myself and I absolutely loved our time together. I could however sense we weren't looking for the same things and he was very honest with me and told me that he was not looking for anything serious. I, in turn, was honest and told him I wasn't looking for anything casual. Regardless, we still had a great day together and went our separate ways. He gets in touch to meet up the same week again and we have a great day out again. He tries to kiss me in the end, but I pulled away worried about what we had talked about. Then we didn't see each other for two weeks. He constantly texted me and I initiated some days as well. I wasn't sure what was going on, so I asked him what he wanted now and why he kept texting when we didn't want the same things. To be honest, at this point I was hoping he had changed his mind.

 

We then met up again, spent the whole day together and he told me he really liked me and he didn't want something as casual any more. Then we kissed and talked a whole lot more. I was really happy and surprised. He is about 6 years older than me and I am 21. I haven't had experience with men and I shared this with him and he was totally understanding and acted exactly in the opposite way to running. He never pushed me and was just there.

 

This is where it all went downhill. He was busy at work and I didn't push to meet. Then he changed his work a bit making his free over weekend. Once I felt he was a bit freer and not so stressed (and I knew this since we texted almost every day) I again asked him what he thought of actually meeting up. It took him a while to find time to my frustration and I felt very unwanted. It was so confusing, since I had texts from him and he was so considerate of me and very kind, but this didn't match up with not wanting to see me. He isn't the type of guy to be dating many girls and I could sense there was something else there, but I couldn't place it. I met with him once again at his home and we watched a movie and had lunch only. At times I felt like i was exactly what he wanted and he really wanted me there and at times I felt like I was intruding in his space. This made me feel uneasy. I decided to call later that day, but he was working in the evening, so I texted him saying I wanted to set up some sort of arrangement of meeting more regularly. He didn't reply.

 

This was in the evening and he replied the following evening really late. He told me a few things. Firstly he apologised for getting back so late and said that he had realised he was uneasy with me spending a couple of hours travelling to see him (we live in different towns, but they are close) and that he had ignored this until now. Secondly, he said he thought I was a "great girl", but for a few reasons he couldn't now or wasn't sure if ever he could give me the sort of commitment I want and that it wasn't fair to ask me to go out as we have until now. He then said he had thought about this a lot and thought it better to go back to being friends, if it was still an option. He apologised for not calling, thought a text was a better option at first instance and that we could talk about it on the phone when I wanted. And he finished with an "x"

 

I was devastated as I thought I had met someone amazing, who was so tender with me and so close, when he wanted. And that is the sticking point, when he wanted! Meeting only happened when he wanted and I hated that. Now I am going through being annoyed I pushed him, then feeling glad he was honest. Then I keep thinking maybe he texted to try and get a conversation going where we can sort it out and then go back to thinking that if he wanted that he would have called. Anyway, I haven't replied. But this morning I really wanted to kindled by false hope. I really don't know what to do. The worst is that if I cant me with him, I want to be friends. I have realised this is only possible when I no longer have feelings for him, which will take time and I will let it take time for as long as it takes if at all. He obviously has commitment issues and I don;t want to fix him or push him, but I also feel like I am giving up and leaving the decisions in his hands. He ended up hurting me without even giving us a fair chance and that hurts the most. If we had tried out a proper relationship and it ended here, because we just didn't fit I would feel better. But we didn't and I hate that.

 

I am really lost and I feel physically sick. I don't want to eat and there is an empty feeling and a feeling like a stone in my stomach. I just wanted to pour this out here and get some opinions.

 

Thank you for any insight or any comment at all.

Edited November 6, 2015 by Mari-gold
A few extra things

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're feelng so bad, OP. I know it sucks.

 

My first observation is that you got attached too quickly to someone who was giving you mixed messages. You only went out 4 times, which isn't that much considering you'd been communicating for 2 months. I say this because it's important to be objective and look at someone's actions. His actions indicate he didn't want something more serious, despite the words coming out of his mouth. Keep an eye out for this in the future. Talk is cheap.

 

My second comment is that you need to protect yourself and your heart a little more. Feeling this devastated over someone you saw 4 times is in an indication you got too invested and perhaps projected your desires for a boyfriend onto him when it wasn't backed up by his desires. Feeling hurt is one thing; feeling heartbroken and physically ill is concerning in proportion to the time you actually spent together.

 

He didn't give it a chance because he knew he didn't want a relationship. It was crappy of him to say he maybe wanted something more serious and then turn around and tell you he doesn't want that anymore, but he did do the right thing in letting you know now. He didn't want you to become more attached when he knew he didn't feel the same way. You are not giving up anything and leaving the decision in his hands -he already made a choice and decided it wasn't right.

 

You will be okay, I promise! Give yourself more time. Be kind to yourself. And the next time someone tells you they don't want anything serious, believe him.