How do I get over a breakup that ended without solid reason?

[savvy2008]

I have posted here before with problems, in case anyone is curious. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. The conversation started out with him saying that me telling him "your phone went off" or when seeing a random number pop up with a weird area code he would tell me to dismiss the call and after I would I would be like where was that area code from? Not pointed at him just honestly curious. He said maybe he was over thinking it but it made him feel like he was being watched by me. I don't understand that as he did the same thing to me and I wasn't bothered.

 

 

The conversation then went to why we broke up for a very short time before, he says he is passive aggressive and doesn't know how to do relationships. My opinion on that is you just do. Nobody knows what they're doing but they love the person and make it work even if they're scared. I told him this and he swore it wasn't because he didn't want to be with me, that he honestly felt he needed to be alone to work on himself. I made it clear he knew I wouldn't be waiting for him and stated that I believe what I wrote above about relationships.

 

 

Changing my facebook status last night I see that he is already liking posts and pictures of girls that he never would before, when we were together. If he's that heartbroken he seems to be okay enough to like and comment things all over the place that I can see on my feed.

 

 

I love him but I desperately want to stop loving him. I don't want my brain to continue trying to move on while my heart is still confused. I know it's going to be difficult. We had so many things planned together (trip to another country, weekend trip to his friends town, etc) and those days are going to be incredibly painful for me, and for my son (he is almost 8 and my ex is not his bio father). Even this Sunday and Wednesday will be crushing because we had plans. How do I move on from this as quickly as possible? What can I do to completely forget him and remove him from my heart?

 

 

The 3 closest friends I have aren't so close anymore for various reasons. One moved out of state, one works basically opposite schedules as me, and one just got engaged and is always doing something with her fiance. I know I'm not but I feel so alone and I just want to erase him from my memory.

Edited November 6, 2015 by savvy2008

[louxor]

I think my most recent relationship has similar reasons (or lack thereof) for ending, so I will try and share with you how I have been coping.

 

Just so you can see the similarity, my ex broke up with me on very similar terms to yours, saying she didn't know why but she felt it buy she needed to do some searching, despite wishing that she didn't feel this way etc etc.

 

Essentially, I narrowed this down to the fact that she is young, still has lots of learning to do and wanted the freedom to be able to do that, whatever it may be, and this may well be the same for your ex.

 

You did the right thing by stating that you were not going to wait around, so good on you for that - He can't have his cake and eat it too.

 

As for social media, you need to cut him off in that regards ASAP. If you don't want to unfriend him, unfollow him so you don't see his activity in your newsfeed. I can't stress how important this is. In the first few days of my breakup I didn't do this, and every time something to do with her came up in my newsfeed I was sent straight back to square 1. This is essential to your recovery as the less you know about what he is doing, the easier it will be to move on.

 

I haven't been in contact with my ex since the break up, both direct contact and indirect (such as social media updates), and I can say with 100% certainty that I would not have progressed as far as I have if this was not the case. I don't know what she's up to, so what I don't know can't hurt me. Ignorance is bliss in this case.

 

Moving on takes time, and for the first while, your brain and your heart will want 2 different things - It will be difficult, but it does get easier! Allow yourself to be upset, get it out. There is no magic pill that will make you just forget about him and stop loving him - Time is the only cure for that.

 

For the time being, I suggest you focus on yourself. Keep yourself busy as much as you can and treat yourself to the things that make you happy. A big part of the recovery process is rediscovering your self-happiness. You will have good days and you will have bad, but as time goes on, you will see less of the bad days.

 

It's been about 6 weeks since my break up, and although I still think about her every day, these thoughts don't control me like they did to start. They might get me down for a little bit, but then I remember that my life has still been fun since we broke up and I move along with my day from there. I also know that 6 weeks on from now, these thoughts will control me even less.

 

All you can do is give it time. It will be difficult to start but I assure you with every week that passes, you will notice how it starts to get easier and easier.

[lana-banana]

I would ignore everything he said and focus on the facts: he did not want to date you anymore, which is as valid a reason as can be. However, it's very hard to tell someone you don't want to be with them, especially someone you care for---even if you're ready to break up, you don't want to hurt their feelings. I know I've said some ridiculous things while trying to break up simply because I was so stressed and at the last minute I qcouldn't remember the speech I'd rehearsed. And if the guy started crying or trying to convince me not to, well, all bets were off.

 

It will take a while for your heart to catch up to what your head already knows; that's just the nature of things. Accept your hurt and be patient with yourself while you grieve. Practice good self-care. Resist the urge to romanticize your relationship or turn it into some grand sweeping statement about yourself. It was just one relationship, one moment in time, one of many. Think about all the other wonderful things life still has in store for you.

[basil67]

Sometimes the reasons for ending a relations are many and varied. Sometimes it's a gut feeling which we can't articulate. While it would be great to have a concrete reason, the reasons for ending are rarely so.

 

I strongly agree that you should unfriendly on Facebook. And look at getting yourself out there meeting new people. And if you run into an old friend and they ask you how they are, tell them you're feeling a bit isolated lately - it's very likely that they will ask you to join with them.

[savvy2008]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am counting the days going NC, is this good? My goal is to eventually forget what day I'm on and then forget that I'm doing it period. I had so much with him that everything reminds me of him. I'm not so much in a horribly depressed state but I have a constant, dull feeling of emptiness. I know it would help to join a group of some kind and I've looked but haven't found much of anything around here. I have no plans for my day off tomorrow that was originally planned to be with him. How do I get through this? I feel he I having an easier time (even though he may not be) because he has so many friends. He has probably kept himself extremely busy the past couple days and I can't fill my day up with friends I don't have. What can I do?

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you are hurting. But remember a few things: this too shall pass & closure comes from within.

 

 

Don't underestimate the power of tears. It's OK to have a good cry about this. You suffered an unexpected loss. Do allow yourself to grieve. It is part of the process.

 

 

Call your old friends. It will be a reason to catch up & stay connected even though circumstances have changed. Perhaps your engaged friend's enthusiasm will remind you of what good love looks like.

 

 

Make some new friends. What about the other moms of your son's friends?

 

 

Keep yourself busy. Do stuff with your son. Take him to a museum, or an arcade, the movies, on a hike. Some special play time with mom will be good for you both. Start prepping your Thanksgiving menu. Make a list of the Christmas / holiday gifts you need. Rearrange your living space so it doesn't remind you of your EX. Exercise.

 

 

Hang in there.

[foam12]

But remember a few things: this too shall pass & closure comes from within.

 

I agree with this. While my break up is really recent (about two weeks ago), I didn't start moving on or getting closure until I gave the relationship closure in my own mind. Nothing will ever make sense and you may think they are lying, hiding, or sugar coating their reasoning for breaking up with you. Then there is the mixed emotions that further complicate things. I can say that about 3 days ago I began to give the relationship closure in my mind and it has helped a lot. Talking to them may or may not help, and their explanations may or may not help. I spoke to my ex earlier this week about the breakup and talking peacefully helped a lot, but the reasoning did not make sense to me still. It wasn't until I spent some time with family and spoke to friends that I realized closure can only come from within and maybe their reasoning was justified in their mind and a good reason, but won't make since until you are able to start giving the relationship closure. The dumper has a head start on you... So, now I focus on me and finding the person I was before the relationship, but making myself better than before by learning from my mistakes and even hers. Best of luck!

[savvy2008]

Thank you both. I got through my work day today joking and laughing like my old self again. I do of course have moments of horrible sadness so I let myself go to the bathroom a couple times to have a quick cry, then told myself to let it go and move on. I have had a surprisingly good day for it being day 2 or NC. I know every day will be difficult and I am so thankful for this site. I feel that I'll never find someone quite like him but I hope that I'll one day find someone even better.

[savvy2008]

And I have realized that closure comes from within. I can't understand the reason so I need to know and accept that he didn't want to be with me anymore. No matter how nicely he put it or how it left a glimmer of hope, he didn't want the relationship enough to stay and fight for it. I want someone who wants me and will fight for it. I deserve that.