Bleepx6 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 He broke up with me for the second/third time two months ago. I know I’m only 19, and the world is my oyster. But a year ago, I dropped out of a major I thought was for me, transferred from university to community college and now I’m back in university. I didn’t know who my friends were from constantly switching schools, dealt and still dealing with anxiety and depression caused from struggling and failing school, and my parents looking like they hated me. Every day I contemplated and once a month attempted suicide but was unsuccessful because my thoughts would go back to my sister. She saw me struggle school and still thought I was her superhero sister. I wasn’t. Additionally, my ex was there for every struggle I had that ultimately I felt like I couldn’t live without him since he was there for everything. However, every time I was with him became a constant reminder of my failures because the first time we broke up—he left when he found out I failed my major but quickly changed his mind. The second time was when I became insecure of the girl friends he had (my fault I know) because I didn’t know how to deal with what I was going through. Now the third time was two months ago. We also go to the same university and I haven't seen him since our last interaction about 2 weeks ago. Basically forced me to listen to him on the phone and yelled at me to never call, text, send letters, or look at him again because I sent him several text messages of how poorly he treated me (this was after 23 or so days of NC), the hatred and blame I got for going through the abortion alone, and how disrespectful he was to end our relationship again via phone call after a year of dating. Every Sunday when I go to church with my family (they don’t know) I can’t fathom the idea of attending when I made a sin. About three weeks ago, I made a mistake and sent a mailed apology--not expecting a reply. But he did reply through drunk text messages that he loved me so much, that my guy friend (who had a crush on me) stole me away from me (not true) is a faggot, how he hates me for going through the abortion alone, etc., which set me aback. I expected no reply. But I also did not expect that his reply would be through silly, drunken text messages. Because of that I got angry, sad, and anxious and sent several text messages of how toxic and weak I was being with him. In the end he called several times to yell at me to never call, text, send letters, or look at him again. I haven’t contacted him since two weeks ago when he proclaimed that request. No one has ever, ever in my life yelled at me (aside from my dad during my childhood whom has improved) as much as my ex did. To him being controlling and jealous and the yelling was his way of projecting his love for me. I thought so. I really thought he was my world… but I realized there’s a ****ing universe out there. I currently go to individual counseling and attend weekly anxiety group therapy... Sigh. I'm 5 feet away and just trying to breathe. I want to cry so badly.
d0nnivain Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I'm sorry for your struggles. Stay in therapy. Suicide is not the answer. The stuff that feels overwhelming now is more manageable then you currently understand. I, myself, am slowly emerging from a 4 year period of blackness. Your parents do not hate you. They may be disappointed but more probably they are hurting when they see you struggle. Parents want the best for their children & hate it when those kids have a hard time. If you need to cry, let it out. tears are cathartic. Hang in there.
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