Chahy377 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 We had been seeing each other on and off for 3 yrs....he was very hot and cold and it was never very clear how he felt about me or what he wanted. I always felt like I was being used, but was never really clear. I finally asked him how he felt about me, he couldn't give me a clear answer to a simple question. He got annoyed with me for asking and said we should be platonic friends...I agreed. I messaged him a few days later, just a simple hi, he didn't reply. I messaged again asking him what was up later that night, about 10 hours after I had texted initially. I told him that his friendship was important to me and I didn't want to lose it. He replied by saying he already said we can be friendly. I mentioned he ignored my text and asked him if he was absolutely certain he wanted to remain friends...I didn't want to force him into anything. He said yes. I texted him a few days later with an inside joke, he replied with a haha and didn't really forward the conversation. A day later I texted him, just saying how I really enjoyed our insightful conversations from when we had first met and were just friendly, and that I hoped we could get back to that. He never replied, that was yesterday. Did I do something wrong? I feel really bad. He does this all the time...if he didn't want to be friends why didn't he just say so instead of creating the drama of me reaching out and him not responding. I feel like it's incredibly mean.
ravfour4 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 If he's been hot and cold the whole time, the only thing you did wrong was let it last this long. He doesn't care much right now, he's not acting like someone who wants you at all. I'm sure it hurts and I'm sorry for that, but push this chump to the curb and find a real man who will respect you. He's out there, I promise.
quattrob Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 OP, you should learn that in this world actions speak louder than words. Always look at their actions and never just listen to their words. If their actions don't match their words, look at that and go with what their actions are speaking to you.
basil67 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Do you do this much text contact with your other friends? I can't help but think that you're expecting more from him than 'just friends'
Author Chahy377 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 I know you can't force people to think the same way you do....but he really doesn't get this. But no one can be this unaware...He doesn't understand how actions like that are hurtful, or why I would be dissapointed in him or how it might make me re-evaluate how I deal with him. I asked him if he has feelings for me, he doesn't answer in a clear way, and when I asked for clarification he refused to explain saying how I have it all wrong and it's my fault. So I'm left utterly confused, with someone who refuses to explain or simply clarify or talk to me about it. I ask him if he still wants to be friends, he says yes and makes it seem like I'm being extra...he ignores my attempts to be friendly, yet he doesn't see how that can make him look bad, and blames it on me and makes it seem like I am annoying/crazy if I bring it up I feel like I am trapped with no way to express myself or have my concerns heard. It's an awful feeling to not be able to simply speak....I feel incredibly frustrated I don't know why I'm being treated like this, I don't know why he is being so mean
Author Chahy377 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Do you do this much text contact with your other friends? I can't help but think that you're expecting more from him than 'just friends' Yes I really am just wanting that from him. My gut always told me that I was being used so I always approached him as a friend, and was ok with that. He would be the one to push the sexual stuff but then back off when he got what he wanted. I would go back into friend mode, saying things are fine lets just be friendly, and he would then push the sexual again. Repeat. All the while telling me I was irrational for not feeling comfortable about the way he wanted things to be. I never once initiated anything sexual between us. It was always him and he would force it, even when I kept telling him no. I would ultimately give in, and then Be back at square one again. Yet he saw nothing wrong with his behavior and thought I was acting irrationally.
Author Chahy377 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Should I say anything or just let it go? I want him to see how he is acting...it's not my fault, I'm not the one to blame here. He's the one who is ignoring me and creating drama. Not me.
pidgeon1010 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Honey, you should have no expectations. Sometimes I text friends something and get no response (especially if it doesn't warrant a response) or they respond after a few days (or even weeks) and I take no offense to it. I eventually hear from them. Perhaps the kind of friendship you want, isn't what he is willing to offer at this point. You can't hound someone to be a friend or act the way you want them to act. It sounds like you want more and are using the "friend" vehicle to channel your motives. If he wasn't as responsive as you wanted him to be during your on/off relationship, you're not going to get him to be more communicative as friends.
Qboro90 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Yes I really am just wanting that from him. My gut always told me that I was being used so I always approached him as a friend, and was ok with that. He would be the one to push the sexual stuff but then back off when he got what he wanted. I would go back into friend mode, saying things are fine lets just be friendly, and he would then push the sexual again. Repeat. All the while telling me I was irrational for not feeling comfortable about the way he wanted things to be. I never once initiated anything sexual between us. It was always him and he would force it, even when I kept telling him no. I would ultimately give in, and then Be back at square one again. Yet he saw nothing wrong with his behavior and thought I was acting irrationally. Before I discuss anything else.... The most important part is the matter of him forcing himself on you sexually after you told him no multiple times. Are you aware what you're saying here? And if that's the case you need to report it to authorities because that's unacceptable.
Qboro90 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Should I say anything or just let it go? I want him to see how he is acting...it's not my fault, I'm not the one to blame here. He's the one who is ignoring me and creating drama. Not me. Something you need to understand is that no matter how much you want boyfriends, partners, guys your with, ex's, etc to realize that they're being a dick and how he's the one who should be chasing you..... That's not reality. It's never going to happen. Just the tough nature of the world. And I'm not trying to be rude here or make you feel bad but to be honest, You're a bit naive in some of your actions and some of the things you've said to him and in your Op to be honest. I'm assuming the two of you are still young. Late teens/20's .... Guys who you hook up with, sleep with, or have any romantic feelings for are not going to be your friend regardless of what they tell you. Not all guys are scumbags but quite a few at your age are going to do scumbag things and flat out lie to you because they're not mature enough to be honest with you. It's easier for him to say "yea we can be friends" instead of saying "listen, I'm sorry, I just don't feel the same connection/spark that you feel and I don't want to lead you on by telling you that might change. You deserve someone who can give you the attention and care you should receive but I just can't give that to you. Two reasons - 1. By saying "yea we can be friends" and being vague about his feelings for you, he's setting you up for a late night/drunk/ or future booty call because he knows what to say to you to make you think he's really into you now. 2. You said in your Op that even when you ask him about the nature of your relationship and he told you it'd be best to just stay platonic..... You kept probing deeper and wanting to know why he did this, or why he said that, or how come he slept with you if he didn't feel how you felt. You're just trying to get him to admit to toying with you so he could get laid. Guys like him will never do that. Also... When you say that you had been seeing each other on and off for 3 years. What was that dynamic like? Did he take you on dates? Were you boyfriend/girlfriend? Or were you just someone who hung out with him whenever he wanted to and slept with him as well? Stop contacting this guy. Stop texting him. Stop trying to confront him and ask why? You're better than him. Start realizing that. For future reference.... Anytime you have to ask a guy where you stand in a relationship after 6 months, let alone 3 years, he's not into you and it's never going to become more serious. You were to available and unchallenging for him to ever feel the urgency to move the relationship forward. If you want a BF or you just wanted a friend and didn't want to sleep with him, but he didn't want that.... You need to look out for yourself, make the smart decision and leave, don't ever turn back.
quattrob Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Should I say anything or just let it go? I want him to see how he is acting...it's not my fault, I'm not the one to blame here. He's the one who is ignoring me and creating drama. Not me. Actually you are at fault, you could stop letting him treat you the way he is treating you by stop contacting him. The sooner you realize that you have control over your own actions and this whole situation the better it would be for you. Why are you constantly looking for him to change? If he ignores you the first 2 times why don't you just back off and see what happens? Why are you so insistent on him acting a certain a way to you? You can't control what he does or doesn't do, you can only control what you do. If someone makes you feel like you're being used then stop contacting them and cut them out of your life.. So you are creating this drama by not stopping yourself from reaching out to him. He doesn't really care about your friendship, are you so naive and gullible to believe that just because he said "yes" he wants to be your friend that it means he actually does? Especially how he treated you before that? You can't just believe someone's words especially how he's obviously doesn't care about you. Is this how you act with other people? You believe every word they say?
Author Chahy377 Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 It's has just been hard for me to let go of this over the years....I think it's because I've always thought the way he acted was my fault so I always wanted to keep trying. He's always blames everything on me. I don't know how difficult it is for someone to just say no...no to liking you, no to wanting to be friends. I've done it several times myself to guys who have liked me. Who have pursued me and I just never saw anything there. I gave them clarity when I was asked, I would never deny that to someone. He said we should be platonic friends because I was asking for clarity, and it was my fault/I was being annoying by asking him. He never said he had feelings for me, but said I was wrong when I concluded he didn't. Just confusion all around, and he refused to clarify or speak to me. This is over for me. Against better judgement I texted him and simply said that his actions are hurtful to me. He basically said that he doesn't have to contact me or respond to me all the time, that I can't bully him into texting me, that if he chooses not to respond to me I should just deal with it, and that he has never been hurtful to me. This coming from someone who said we should be friendly and who I had only texted twice this week. He spoke to me with so much disrespect and like i was a stupid child. I didn't respond, and I will never again.
mightycpa Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I know you can't force people to think the same way you do....but he really doesn't get this. But no one can be this unaware...He doesn't understand how actions like that are hurtful, or why I would be dissapointed in him or how it might make me re-evaluate how I deal with him. I asked him if he has feelings for me, he doesn't answer in a clear way, and when I asked for clarification he refused to explain saying how I have it all wrong and it's my fault. So I'm left utterly confused, with someone who refuses to explain or simply clarify or talk to me about it. I ask him if he still wants to be friends, he says yes and makes it seem like I'm being extra...he ignores my attempts to be friendly, yet he doesn't see how that can make him look bad, and blames it on me and makes it seem like I am annoying/crazy if I bring it up I feel like I am trapped with no way to express myself or have my concerns heard. It's an awful feeling to not be able to simply speak....I feel incredibly frustrated I don't know why I'm being treated like this, I don't know why he is being so meanMy guess would be that he doesn't give a **** and as soon as you force the sex to go away, you won't have to worry about him anymore.
Qboro90 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 You're hounding this guy and coming off as out of touch with reality. Let it rest. Not everyone is nice, not everyone is going to act like you would act. You're not going to make them change or feel guilty . Move on. Stop sleeping with guys before you truly know them and their intentions as well.
Author Chahy377 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 You're hounding this guy and coming off as out of touch with reality. Let it rest. Not everyone is nice, not everyone is going to act like you would act. You're not going to make them change or feel guilty . Move on. Stop sleeping with guys before you truly know them and their intentions as well. If someone says they are going to do something, but then doesn't do it...how am I the one out of touch with reality? If he would've followed through on HIS statements he made with HIS mouth then I wouldn't be on here writing this My problem was believing someone who was a liar and becoming attached. But at the end of the day, he deceived me. I'll do better next time, I've learned my lesson.
ScienceGal Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I was with someone for almost 2 years who never told me he loved me; in fact, he never knew how he felt about me, the relationship, or our future. In the end, when I demanded answers, he left me. I was hurt, but now I am truly grateful because I have a chance to meet someone new. Someone who has the same capacity for love and intimacy. You need to realize that the only thing you did wrong was allow yourself to be with an emotionally inept man. You don't deserve that. Think about it and try to not repeat that mistake. And, please stop trying to be friends with him. Do your best to move on.
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