Ending things on bad vs good terms with ex? Which is more common?

[Zapbasket]

I'm not sure. I suppose it helps that there wasn't ever any kind of cheating or betrayal. That seems to be huge catalyst for some really horrible endings.

 

Perhaps some of it has to do with the fact that I'm pretty discerning about who I enter relationships with.

 

It might also help that I've never been a drama queen. I don't see the point in it. It takes up far too much time and energy being so angry and bitter and resentful. I have better things to do.

 

Looking back, most of my relationships were built on a foundation of friendship first. Eventually, things change, people change and in almost all cases, my relationships ended because we just grew apart for one reason or another.

 

Apart from my marriage which took years of convincing, they all seemed to expire at a time when we both knew it was over.

 

Thanks. I had to ask because I figured I could learn something from your response. It really weighs on me that all of my relationships ended horribly. There was no cheating or other kind of betrayal on my end, yet all three guys I had relationships with were absolutely awful to me in the ending. Your response highlights two things I'm working on changing in myself: 1) being more savvy about who I choose as a relationship partner, and 2) not wasting time on drama. My "drama" indulgence was pleading with, explaining to, etc. the guys to make some effort to meet my needs for respect and communication, to no effect other than making them resent me and therefore treat me with even less respect and communicate even less, until I'd then be furious at them and then they'd end the relationship in what felt like a retaliatory rage. I have learned that when someone doesn't meet your needs, don't waste endless time trying to get them to change; just leave. Thanks for showing me I'm on the right track.

 

I'm probably not alone in being curious for an example or two of how some of your relationships ended on "good terms." Do you still communicate with some of your exes? Were the terms good regardless of whether it was you initiating the breakup, or the other person?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks. I had to ask because I figured I could learn something from your response. It really weighs on me that all of my relationships ended horribly. There was no cheating or other kind of betrayal on my end, yet all three guys I had relationships with were absolutely awful to me in the ending. Your response highlights two things I'm working on changing in myself: 1) being more savvy about who I choose as a relationship partner, and 2) not wasting time on drama. My "drama" indulgence was pleading with, explaining to, etc. the guys to make some effort to meet my needs for respect and communication, to no effect other than making them resent me and therefore treat me with even less respect and communicate even less, until I'd then be furious at them and then they'd end the relationship in what felt like a retaliatory rage. I have learned that when someone doesn't meet your needs, don't waste endless time trying to get them to change; just leave. Thanks for showing me I'm on the right track.

 

I'm probably not alone in being curious for an example or two of how some of your relationships ended on "good terms." Do you still communicate with some of your exes? Were the terms good regardless of whether it was you initiating the breakup, or the other person?

 

I'm thrilled to hear you got something out of this and that you recognize the part you played in some of your bad break-ups. That's incredibly mature of you and will go a long way in changing how you navigate your relationships moving forward.

 

I don't want to give you the impression that I haven't ever had a melt down or hung on to an argument longer than I needed or pleaded for some kind of reciprocation etc., because I have. I'm no angel But there comes a point where even I get sick and tired of hearing myself. And that's usually my wake up call.

 

I'm friendly with pretty much all my exes regardless if I'm the one that initiated the break-up or not. That's not to say there wasn't a cooling off period after we parted ways nor does it mean that we hang out anymore either.

 

Some of them move in the same social circle as I do so we will run into each other from time to time. It helps to be on friendly terms if only not to have it taint our other friendships. A couple of others remain FB friends because they live out of town and we'll use it to catch up online sometimes. And others just are - there is no real ongoing or deliberate attempt to contact each other but if/when we run into each other, neither of us is avoiding the other. It's often quite the opposite. One of my boyfriends is a successful realtor who I enlisted to sell my condo. I knew him well and trusted him so why the hell not?

 

Taking some responsibility for how things ended in your relationships is the first step. Choosing better partners is the next and knowing when to let go is another. Save your drama for your mama as they say and you're half way there.

 

Good luck.

[OK_computer]

This question jumped out at me. I've noticed that a lot of people seem to want to claim they are on "good terms" with an ex or that they had a good breakup, and I've wondered why. I think that people feel there must be something wrong with them if they can't get everyone to like them or be on cordial terms with everyone. Extend that idea to a breakup, and you start to equate being cordial with an ex to mean that you are a good, likable person.

 

I would say that I'm not on any terms with my exes. They are not part of my life in any way, so we are on neither good nor bad terms. Most people don't end a breakup on good terms. That doesn't mean that you burn their house down or scream and curse at them. It just means that there are hurt feelings. My ex and I never exchanged particularly mean words to one another, and I basically accepted the breakup and moved out immediately. But it wasn't on good terms.

 

I get what you're saying, and I know my wording of 'good terms' is vague. What I'm trying to say is, I can't even say 'HI' to my last 4 exes even if we were the last 2 people on this Earth. I could understand if it was just 1 of them I couldn't be cordial with, but it is ALL of them, years later things would still be awkward. So it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with my approach or my behavior in a break up, though i've always had control.

 

I would think that after a BU, if we encounter a person that we were once in love with or in an RS with, the least we could do is extend each other courtesy and acknowledge each other. But I've never been able to do that, it's just avoid eye contact and leave the scene like the plague. Maybe the others are right in that unless the BU is mutual, there's no ending things on 'good' or even 'cordial' terms. My friends always tell me to 'just be nice to your ex,' or 'just break the ice' and act like nothing happened. It makes me cringe, the idea of that.