Ending things on bad vs good terms with ex? Which is more common?

[OK_computer]

Last night I had to go finally go NC with this girl I was into, for good. I was thinking of all my exes through the years, and how I was never able to end on good terms with any of them, not even with the ability to be polite or cordial. Is there something wrong with me? Where I can't even talk to these people or keep in touch with them? Or is that rather normal and frequent after relationships run out their course?

 

What breaks me down is the idea that I could never maintain contact with these people post BU, or even keep in touch, or even just be cordial with them.

[Ordinaryday]

I have always ended things on bad terms. Fact is, when you get dumped your ex often tries to give you a list of reasons explaining why they are dumping you. They usually don't do this to be nasty, they do it for.closure or whatever you call it but I nevertheless find it very hard not to take it personally when I am told "you don't have enough ambition" or "I think you live a destructive lifestyle " or whatever.

 

So I say nasty things back, we have a huge argument and never speak again.

 

In some ways I prefer this way because it makes it more final, you don't need to worry about breadcrumbs.

 

I believe that if they are dumping you and you have no joint ties anymore then end it how you like. If ending it nasties helps make it more final to you then do it that way.

 

I once ended it nicely with a girl and she told me she wanted to stay friends. I never ever heard a word from her again! Some friend!

[LostOnes05]

I've never done the friend thing afterward and here's why. My philosophy is that if I was your boyfriend, then I was also your friend. In one case, I was cheated on and then she had the nerve to ask me to be friends after she ended a 5 year relationship...so that was a no go. Then this last one said she loved me up and down every day, wanted a family with me, etc. then she said I just don't feel it (the day after agreeing to going on a weekend getaway with me and saying she loved me hours before). And then things she said after the breakup began to come together and I realized she had lied about things we talked about. She played the friend card as well, but that's a card I leave out of the deck. I'm a good man with a lot to offer in a relationship. Now, I've gotten discouraged with dating because it seems to be one big game, and casual sex "relationships" and one night stands are out of the question for me.

 

But most of all, post relationship I don't maintain the friendship because I love completely when I'm in the relationship. Once the person breaks it off they are telling me they no longer want me in their life. Since I don't do anything half-heartedly, why would I put effort into a new relationship role that is being forced upon me and that I don't accept? I could not be a true friend to someone who has taken steps to hurt me or make a fool of me with games. If I were to have a child with someone, of course I would do my due diligence to maintain a friendship with the child's mother. Other than that, I view the let's just be friends after a relationship as an emotional crutch for the dumper and the dumpee.

[Wewon]

Last night I had to go finally go NC with this girl I was into, for good. I was thinking of all my exes through the years, and how I was never able to end on good terms with any of them, not even with the ability to be polite or cordial. Is there something wrong with me? Where I can't even talk to these people or keep in touch with them? Or is that rather normal and frequent after relationships run out their course?

 

What breaks me down is the idea that I could never maintain contact with these people post BU, or even keep in touch, or even just be cordial with them.

 

This is an interesting question, I can't wait to hear more replies.

 

My guess is that it depends on a few things, obviously, how it ended, a nasty ending is a good way to be on bad terms. The nature of the relationship itself; if one of the people are high maintenance or demands a ton of compromises then ends it, it will usually stay on bad terms. Last, the length of time together. This isn't hard and fast in my observation, but I rarely see people that were together for years seem to really be friends.

 

These are my observations/thoughts, I'm sure other people have varying thoughts.

[didithappen]

To be honest I really wish that me and my most recent ex could have been friends. We were together and in love for 2 years. She broke it off because her heart began to not be in it. During the whole thing I never did anything wrong and was pretty much a perfect boyfriend.

 

We had minimal contact afterwards, mostly about leftover stuff. Than I noticed that she was preventing me from seeing new posts on her fb. I texted her telling her that I was deleting her from fb because I wanted to move on but that I hope we could still be friends and she never responded.

 

Oh well I guess, in the end it's for the best.

[Simon Phoenix]

Why do you want to keep in touch with them exactly? What would exactly be the point of that? The relationship is dead, let it die.

 

As for down the road, usually time and distance does the trick. Unless there was clearly despicable behavior (cheating, emotional and/or physical abuse, etc.) wounds close and heal with time.

[foam12]

I have ended every relationship on bad terms except for the one that ended a week ago. Ending things on bad terms regardless of what side I was on seemed easier because it enabled me to say f it altogether and move on since I either disliked or learned to dislike my ex. This helped me move on and never look back. This past relationship for me ended for completely different reasons as total chaos entered her life all at once and it was a lot for one person even if I was there to support her. There's no way she could've given me 100% as she'd like to with everything since she had to focus on her family, so for once in my life I understood and ended it on good terms since there may (or may not) be hope in the future given the circumstances. With that said, I say ending on bad terms is far more common from what I've seen since its just easier to move on and never look back.

[makemineamac]

I'm kind of maintaining a relationship with a very 'cold' ex, due to our dog which we are sharing responsibilities for currently.

 

It's very odd, we don;t talk on the phone anymore, just text and email, and even though she never was emotional in her emails or texts, it's even more bereft now when we are communicating about who is picking the dog up from daycare.

 

I'm doing fine thankfully, fortunate to be out of the poisonous relationship I was in, and astonished at how quickly she moved on. But I was the one that suggested the breakup and we both agreed it was time.

 

For now, it's working, but I don;t know what it;s going to look like longterm.

 

Seeing her in the morning couple of times a week when I pick the dog up is odd. It really is. But I love our dog, don't really want to lose her....

[Meli22]

I've never had a relationship end on good terms. My first ex left me because he wanted to be single. I was crushed, he tried to come crawling back for years but I was totally over it by this point. He was a cheat and not someone id want to be friends with anyway.

 

My recent ex, it was a very messy break up. I don't want to be friends with him for the simple fact that he put me through hell whilst we were together, and he became very wishy washy towards the end and refused to give me any closure. Again, no desire to be friends with him. I was civil when he contacted me not so long ago but I wouldn't become friends with him. I have enough of my own and the way he treated me especially towards the end wasn't fair. I do miss his friendship sometimes because we were best friends but sometimes you see people differently after they treat you in a certain way.

[basil67]

what about neutral terms? This is how I would mostly categorise where I ended up with exes.

[basil67]

I have always ended things on bad terms. Fact is, when you get dumped your ex often tries to give you a list of reasons explaining why they are dumping you. They usually don't do this to be nasty, they do it for.closure or whatever you call it but I nevertheless find it very hard not to take it personally when I am told "you don't have enough ambition" or "I think you live a destructive lifestyle ".....!

 

I think this is a case of damned if you do and damned if you don't. People so often want to know the real reason a relationship ends. So in the spirit of treating others as they wish to be treated, they are very honest about it all.

 

Unfortunately, we don't all want to be treated the same way as everyone else...

[salparadise]

Other than my ex-wife, all of my relationships have ended on a good to neutral note. I don't argue or fuss. We can agree to disagree, and sometimes it's a deal breaker, in which case we quit dating. I have had only one what I'd call serious relationship post divorce, and we sort of stay in touch but we don't pretend to be actual friends. For a long time we'd talk once a month, then once every three months, and now I think it has been over six months. The other four I am not in contact with at all and haven't been since we quit dating. There is no animosity, just indifference.

 

The friendship that exists within romantic relationships is real, but almost entirely dependent upon the romantic relationship. At least that's how I see it. Staying involved emotionally is detrimental to being emotionally available for a new relationship, and usually complicates future relationships for those who try to do it. I strongly prefer to date people who see it the same way––I find it distasteful to try and invest with someone who is still communicating frequently with ex's, and if they're assertive about their right to spend time with ex's I write them off as incompatible as best, and kooky with no boundaries at the worst. It hasn't been a problem because if a woman is on the same frequency with me in other ways, she probably will be on this as well.

[PegNosePete]

Most of my relationships ended on reasonably good terms. Am I in contact with any of them? No, why would I want to be?? That doesn't mean I hate them or that they ended on bad terms. It just means I have moved on with my life.

[Dondon]

My last relationship ended with me in tears, talking and fighting for her and my ex without much to say. There was no fighting (well i fought FOR her), no screaming and no insulting during break up. And there was no angry texts, calls and cryptic messages on social networks (at least not from my side, don't know about her).

 

So it wasn't on bad terms. But i don't want to be her friend, i don't want to talk and see her. I want nothing to do with her. After BU i felt betrayed, i was angry with her and so on. I guess it wasn't good either.

 

I fought for her and when i saw that she won't change her mind i accepted that, said goodbye and walked away. I didn't want any drama or some other immature bull****. But i can say that this BU was the toughest moment in my life, by far.

[PegNosePete]

(well i fought FOR her)

Sorry to go off topic but I've always wondered. What does this actually mean? What did you actually do to "fight" for her?

[erklat]

I ended badly with all my exes. The last ex that actually brought me here being

the worst. Lots of bad blood and insults thrown around. I regretted it deeply

back then hoping once she might come back, but now over two years since

then I'm no longer sorry. As they say: 'sorry for all mean, hurtful and accurate things

I said to you'.

 

She was all that without pink glasses on.

 

I don't think it matters how you ended. You will never speak again anyway.

[Zapbasket]

I think the idea of "good terms" in a breakup is fantasy. Someone in the equation is being rejected in the most profound way you can be rejected; how can that possibly balance out to "good terms"? I think the ideal exists because people want not to have to face how severe a breakup really is.

 

Anyway, it is true: what does it really matter in the end, because you probably won't be in each other's lives again, anyway. I think that's the truth that people don't want to face, and so they strive to break up on "good terms" as a way of leaving doors open...even if they are doors no one intends to walk through again.

[Meli22]

I think the idea of "good terms" in a breakup is fantasy. Someone in the equation is being rejected in the most profound way you can be rejected; how can that possibly balance out to "good terms"? I think the ideal exists because people want not to have to face how severe a breakup really is.

 

Anyway, it is true: what does it really matter in the end, because you probably won't be in each other's lives again, anyway. I think that's the truth that people don't want to face, and so they strive to break up on "good terms" as a way of leaving doors open...even if they are doors no one intends to walk through again.

 

That's spot on. I think the only way people can end on decent terms is if they are both exactly on the same page, along the lines of "were better off as friends, you're a great person" and things like that are rarely ever mutual. And yes, I do think people try to remain friends or on "good terms" because they don't want to face the fact that they'll probably never be in each others lives again.

 

Break ups are bitter pills to swallow. You go from being in someone's life 100% and seeing them pretty much everyday, to absolutely zero contact whatsoever. Add to that the feelings that still linger. It's all very painful when you think about it. But as I've said, if someone hurts me that much I don't want them in my life at all. And if I'm to break up with someone it's because I don't want them in my life at all. No friendship, nada.

[BikerAccnt]

Most of mine have ended on good terms. Hell, even my divorce ended amiably and on reasonably good terms.

 

I am in contact with a couple of my ex's (not my ex wife though) and though I wouldn't call us good friends, I certainly wouldn't rule out helping them out with a problem.

 

I've never understood getting upset with someone because they break up with you. I mean, being hurt, yes, but upset with them? If someone feels you aren't right for them, that's how they feel. Nothing they or you can do about it. After all, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?

 

Even if they list out why they are breaking up with me, as long as it's not done in a mean way, it's not reason to get upset. I'd rather know, and maybe be able to work on things for future relationships.

 

Have i had bad breakups, sure. But's that's usually when then dumper was just being nasty because they couldn't handle a civil breakup. Or if I was done some incredible wrong Some people can't handle a civil discussion that involves negative feedback/commens, and that's their choice too.

[BikerAccnt]

Oh, and there seems to be a misunderstanding in this thread that ending on good terms means you want them in your life, or expect them to be. That's a misreading.

 

Ending on good terms just means you walk away with no ill feeling towards the other. They don't' need to still be in your life.

[Meli22]

Oh, and there seems to be a misunderstanding in this thread that ending on good terms means you want them in your life, or expect them to be. That's a misreading.

 

Ending on good terms just means you walk away with no ill feeling towards the other. They don't' need to still be in your life.

 

I think it's different strokes for different folks. Some people can't walk away without feeling upset towards the dumper or feeling negative, I mean they were hurt so that's only natural. Some can walk away and just say "oh well they didn't like me, I wish them well." Everybody is different.

[BC1980]

Is there something wrong with me?

 

This question jumped out at me. I've noticed that a lot of people seem to want to claim they are on "good terms" with an ex or that they had a good breakup, and I've wondered why. I think that people feel there must be something wrong with them if they can't get everyone to like them or be on cordial terms with everyone. Extend that idea to a breakup, and you start to equate being cordial with an ex to mean that you are a good, likable person.

 

I would say that I'm not on any terms with my exes. They are not part of my life in any way, so we are on neither good nor bad terms. Most people don't end a breakup on good terms. That doesn't mean that you burn their house down or scream and curse at them. It just means that there are hurt feelings. My ex and I never exchanged particularly mean words to one another, and I basically accepted the breakup and moved out immediately. But it wasn't on good terms.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've been fortunate enough not to have ended on bad terms with anyone I dated seriously.

[Zapbasket]

I've been fortunate enough not to have ended on bad terms with anyone I dated seriously.

 

Michelle, to what do you attribute that?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Michelle, to what do you attribute that?

 

I'm not sure. I suppose it helps that there wasn't ever any kind of cheating or betrayal. That seems to be huge catalyst for some really horrible endings.

 

Perhaps some of it has to do with the fact that I'm pretty discerning about who I enter relationships with.

 

It might also help that I've never been a drama queen. I don't see the point in it. It takes up far too much time and energy being so angry and bitter and resentful. I have better things to do.

 

Looking back, most of my relationships were built on a foundation of friendship first. Eventually, things change, people change and in almost all cases, my relationships ended because we just grew apart for one reason or another.

 

Apart from my marriage which took years of convincing, they all seemed to expire at a time when we both knew it was over.