smile95 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Something came over me todayand I text the ex and of course he ignored me like always. I feel awful. What is wrong with me? Why am I practically begging him to call me? I really feel lost and hurt that this man I loved for so long can ignore me and not even care that I am so hurt. THis is a pattern for him to ignore me a month and then call me and be sweet. It tears me up and I want to move on. I lay on the floor in a ball crying and make myself sick over this. If this were a friend of mine, i would have told her to leave long ago. He is not even a caring man, but I love him. Really, what is wrong with me? He trets me like dirt and I want more? How will I ever get over this without talking to him? We did not even fight, he just gets stressed out with his life and takes a break w/ out letting me know. All Iwant is to love and be loved. How do I give myself closurew/out him telling me it is over? I feel so hopeless. please help
dgiirl Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Give it time. I know it's hard, but everytime you're about to break NC, remember how he mistreated you. Each time you break NC and he "slaps" you in the face, you eventually get tired of it and you'll move on. Trust me, you dont want closure from him. He will tell you something that will hurt you deeply. You need to find your own closure, whether it's believing he's an idiot or figuring out things you can work on. All of these things come from you, not from him. He'll only tell you things that will hurt you, even if it's wrapped around niceness.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 I'm going through the same thing. I haven't talked to my ex in 9 days now. This is the longest we've ever gone without talking. And don't think you're the only one curling up into a ball and wailing like a child. I've done it several times. Love hurts. But if you don't stick to NC then you show him you are weak. Someone else said it. NC is 75% healing yourself and 25% vindictive. When you feel the urge to call or text him, CALL A FRIEND. Go ride a bike. Swim. Rollerblade. DO SOMETHING! You need to delete all remnants of him from your life. Cell phone numbers, IM addresses, emails, pictures. As long as the reminders are there, you will hurt.
Fallen_Angel Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Don't call yourself hopeless - you're beating yourself up, and you're not going to heal if you don't treat yourself well. Realize that EVERY day of NC is a victory for you. So you made it to 5 - congrats! Now you can challenge yourself to beat your previous total. I used to cry every day. Now I can go a day or so without tears. I like these small victories. I used to talk to my ex once a day, so going without speaking to him has been QUITE a shock, to say the least. But dgiirl is right - you need time. And you deserve better than someone who will ignore you this way.
Author smile95 Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 I am really counting on time to heal me. I have only ever been in 2 relationships -one for 5 yrs- and this one for 3. I hang on until it is way past time to let go and this one hurts...bad. I think that part of it is that I am 28 yrs old and scared I will never find anyone and I thought he was it. I have been crying all night and it seems to keep comin'. He is all I think about and I hate that! I guess I can just work on beating my 5 day total. I went 4 wks before and then he somehow used his charm to get me back. I have been taking nyquil again (I say again becasue anyone who has read my posts before knows I used to and stopped) to sleep and to not think. Iknow that is not good, but if I am up, I am thinking of him and then that means I am upset. I really never knew what people meant when their heart "ached". Now I know. It is not fair that I did nothing wrong and i have to suffer and dount my love becasue he is "stressed" -thanks for letting me vent all the time! Sorry if i ramble and I am glad to know I am not the only one who cries ina ball on the floor! My puppy cheers me up by licking my tears. I cannot help byt smile then.
dgiirl Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by Fallen_Angel I used to cry every day. Now I can go a day or so without tears. I like these small victories. Yeah, these are very big victories for me too! I just talked to my ex on the phone, and i didnt even cry afterwards. w00t Originally posted by beth5201 I think that part of it is that I am 28 yrs old and scared I will never find anyone and I thought he was it. I'm 30, and i'm getting a divorce. I was skimming through a self-help book on the weekend. One thing it said was you have to mourn the non-events. For me it was mourning the loss of not having kids, or atleast postponing it till a later date. For you, maybe it's not getting married right away? These things affect us, and we have to acknowledge them because they were our dreams. Some of our dreams might not get fulfilled, other's will, but at a later date. Just have faith that things will get better. The more you do NC, the more you heal, the more you'll be happy. I have been crying all night and it seems to keep comin'. He is all I think about and I hate that! You are definitely not alone. I went a week without sleeping right when he left. The next week, I'd have dreams that he was home only to wake up in the middle of the night to realize he wasnt. It was pure torture. I still wake up thinking about him. But one night I had a dream where I introduced him to everyone as my exhusband. After that, I started to realize I will heal. Sorry if i ramble and I am glad to know I am not the only one who cries ina ball on the floor! My puppy cheers me up by licking my tears. I cannot help byt smile then. Animals have a way of cheering you up. They know when you're crying, and they do everything in their power to make you feel better. Total unconditional love
kandi13 Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 hunny, I know how you feel, I just broke Nc about 10 mins ago. I have been doing Nc for about a month now, and I was finally getting over the fact, when a friend of mine told me he asked about me, and I broke down and called him. Why I did....I have no idea. Maybe I just didnt want to deal with NC anymore, but I dont consider myself weak, and neither should you! Nc takes alot of practice, I should know. Do I regret breakin it...a little.....but what else could I have done.
Author smile95 Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 at least your exes will speak to you? I hate this! Today is back to day1. I think that what you said hit home. i am not having a problem letting go of him , but the dream of being married and having a family. I have so much hate for him and love at the same time and it makes me crazy. I should know by now that he will call ONE day from his history, but I plan on moving on by the time he does. He has to call one day right? This is the 6th time he has ignored me for a long time and all the other times he calls and I go back and here we go again with being miserable. So I am going to do my best to move on before he does call. My eyes will hardly open today from crying all night.
dgiirl Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 at least your exes will speak to you? Mine's only speaking to me because we still have to settle legal matters. And he's being so nice and caring, because he doesnt want to piss me off that I'll take him to the cleaners. It's a selfish act on his side. After this, I'll be content with never speaking to him for the rest of my life. I know it sounds harsh, and I'm saying it in anger. But in reality, we have no kids, no connection, no mutual friends, not even the same city, so there really is no need for us to stay in contact. If i ever got married again, why would I hurt my future husband by keeping a relationship with my ex husband. I know I wouldnt be comfortable with an ex wife in the picture (unless there was a need for it). This is the 6th time he has ignored me for a long time and all the other times he calls and I go back and here we go again with being miserable. I know it's hard to hear this right now, but he's doing you a favour. Imagine having a family with him, and then he ups and goes for the 7th/8th/9th time. My ex is doing me a favour by leaving b4 we had kids. Atleast it's an experience I can share with a future husband who really cares about me. And trust me, we're both young. There is still time for us to get hitched I have a few friends who have been divorced, and got remarried then had kids in their mid 30's. Sure, it might not be on our timetable, but it will happen.
Cutie_face Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Can i ask a question?I'm on a break with my boyfriend after 7 months, and i know we are going to discuss getting back together after we have finished our exams (we're in college). However, im finding it really difficult to just let him be, and not talk to him, and not talk to him about us and sorting everything out, which he really does not want to talk about. For the time being, he wants us to just be friends, but i dont feel like i can do that, i just want to be with him and sort everything out, and its crushing that he doesn't and can wait. Is he just stronger than me emotionally?I dunno how to keep up my hope that everything will sort itself out though, i just want everything to be better and its taking such a major toll on me, i can't sleep, i'm a mess, ive lost half a stone because my appetite has gone. Does anyone have advice about how to keep hopeful cos im finding it difficult right now? thanks x
dgiirl Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by Cutie_face Can i ask a question?I'm on a break with my boyfriend after 7 months, and i know we are going to discuss getting back together after we have finished our exams (we're in college). How long will you guys be on break for? For the time being, he wants us to just be friends, but i dont feel like i can do that, If he's telling you he just wants you two to be friends, then that means he wants the door open to see other people. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, as long as you both agree to it. It gives him freedom, but it also gives you freedom to see other people. Unfortunately, you seem to have very strong feelings for him, and you want more than friendship. You cannot be friends with someone when you have these feelings. It just leaves you dangling with hope, while he gets all the benifits of your friendship, and other people. From my experience, if your break was purely because of exams, then he wouldnt say he wants to be friends. He'd tell you that he is still with you, but he needs to take some time to study. He'd still be communicating with you about his feelings, and you wouldnt have any doubt what's going on. Does anyone have advice about how to keep hopeful cos im finding it difficult right now? Just play things by ear. Take a good look at all the advantages you have with this new freedom. Things might not be so bad. If he's leaving, there's not much you can do to make him stay. Take a time out, and let HIM contact you next. Get busy with your friends/school/hobbies. If he's not leaving, then this is a perfect time for you to enjoy things you like to do that he doesnt. It'll also give you the confidence that you can be apart, and still be together. These are _very_ important skills to have to make any relationship work long term.
Jadey Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Im sorry hun Sorry you are feeling so bad. I know how it is. Trust me! But dont be so hard on yourself ok?! Im sure weve all gave in with NC before. I cant really do NC just yet cos i have to see him everyday. But i leave school very soon and plan on doing NC, Or atleast very little contact. Its gonna be very hard, and im sure i probably will give in sometimes and text him, with a lame excuse when really i just want to hear his voice. Noone can blame you. Ive sat there and had the urge to text him so bad and do, after telling myself i realllly shouldnt. And i know its best not to. But im human, when im having a bad day and want to hear him i may call him, or text him, but i try not to beat myself up over it. Which oyu shouldnt either! at least your exes will speak to you? Sometimes. At first he wouldnt. Id be texting him and he wouldnt text back and id feel like a RIGHT prat, my ego wos non existant lol. But lately if i text him he does normally text back. But when i see him at school its all sorts of mixed signals, which is even worse really. When you feel the need to talk to him just do something else instead. The best thing ive found is to write a text youd wanna send him, but dot actually send it. That mifhr sound weird but it actually helps. Youve got ya feeling out without the cocenquecies. Or call or text a friend or family member Good luck you
greenhorn Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 at least your exes will speak to you? I hate this! Actually it is good that your ex is not calling to you or talking to you, that will only prolong the pain and give you a false hope of getting back. Breaking NC is human and now you know why not to break NC for the second time. You will start moving on from the day you tell to yourself that the relationship is over but you are not over. There still is the whole new world waiting for you, you are down but not out. You need to tell that there is someone who will love you as much as you love him. Don't be hopeless or call you hopeless, you feel despondent cause you are grieving now, in a way it is good. The best way to come out of pain is to go through it. Convince yourself that it is over and then you grieve and then you willl come out. But during the whole process just do these two things 1. Don't break NC again 2. Don't think that for you,the world is over.
Author smile95 Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 actaully had a better day today? so far. I am starting to see that he will call me one day, but I should NOT want him to. I want someopne to care for me and love me the way i love them. He is going thru a divorce and has a kid, so he prob is stressed, but no need to cut me off and then think i will be there when he is not so stressed. I do have to start telling myself it is over and believe it. and move on. I guess all my friends who are getting divorced in their late 20's and 30's are in the same boat I am in . single, i just skipped the first marriage part.lol. The sad part is i love him and know that he loves me. our timing was bad and i knew i should have waited until his div was final. i waited 3 yrs and nothing was getting better, so maybe one day i will look back and see this as a blessing(him not calling). the only reason i had hope was becasue he always does this and calls a month later. I still get urges to call, but last night i felt so low that I never want to feel that agian. At least before i just missed him and last night i felt rejected by his ignorance. thanks everyone you have really reeally helped me
ConfusedInOC Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 actaully had a better day today? so far. I am starting to see that he will call me one day, but I should NOT want him to. I want someopne to care for me and love me the way i love them. He is going thru a divorce and has a kid, so he prob is stressed, but no need to cut me off and then think i will be there when he is not so stressed. I do have to start telling myself it is over and believe it. and move on. I guess all my friends who are getting divorced in their late 20's and 30's are in the same boat I am in . single, i just skipped the first marriage part.lol. The sad part is i love him and know that he loves me. our timing was bad and i knew i should have waited until his div was final. i waited 3 yrs and nothing was getting better, so maybe one day i will look back and see this as a blessing(him not calling). the only reason i had hope was becasue he always does this and calls a month later. I still get urges to call, but last night i felt so low that I never want to feel that agian. At least before i just missed him and last night i felt rejected by his ignorance. thanks everyone you have really reeally helped me Beth, I think you're starting to get a handle on things. If he loves you, give him the space he needs to figure out what he's losing. I know that in my situation, she doesn't love me so the odds of coming back are slim at best. Please read "Love Must Be Tough." A lot of the answers you seek are in there.
Author smile95 Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 it is so weird. Days like today I am fine. Usually after a lot of crying the day before for some reason??? But then i can have days where i feel like I could just die of a broken heart. Today was day 1 NC. I have to beat 5! I went 4 wks last time and then the ^%$%*er called. I have figured out that he calls when he is ready(after him doing this so much). So, Iwill move on as if it is over and if he calls, i will see how i feel then and if he agrees to compromise. If he does not call, then I will be hurt, but maybe not so much at that point. I tried to see what in my life is diff now and since we were LDR, not much is? I just no longer wait for the phone to ring to hear him talk about himself and never ask about me and get an i love you! I also made a list today to read when i get sad. i hope tomorrow is good too!I just wonder if he thinks of me? He has to? I know that he loves me very much , but last time he did this he said he could not drag me thru this any longer(ie the div) and no one would love me as much as he did but he thinks he is hurting me. i told him i waited this long and would continue. maybe he thinks that again. Maybe after time, he will see that i loved him and he may miss me, but i have to give him a chance to miss me.
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