Mindy6803 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I've been dating a guy for about a month. He made a joke today about I must be talking to my "other boyfriend". When I asked if he really thought I was messing around he said no. That it was ok if they wined and dined me long as he got the pleasure afterwards. But was laughing. He knows my last bf was controlling and said he doesn't want to be that way. I should be able to do what I want to, but the comment came off pretty douchey and hurt my feelings. Am I overreacting to the comment or am I right to feel a little hurt?
LoveRefreshed Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Usually sarcasm betrays truth. Also, it would mean he feels vulnerable to you hurting him. He doesn't care if you have guy friends but that was his insecurity leaking out. Why you're mad, I am at a loss. Maybe you found the lack of trust hurting but then again, maybe he needs more affection from you to inspire trust... or to at least feel more love. At any rate, if that is it.. then have a candid adult convo about it with him and ask him if he trusts you. Then go from there.
Author Mindy6803 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 Not mad. Just a little hurt feelings because while I wouldn't mind him hanging with a female friend. Someone "wining and dining" him as he put it would hurt.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Usually sarcasm betrays truth. Also, it would mean he feels vulnerable to you hurting him. He doesn't care if you have guy friends but that was his insecurity leaking out. Why you're mad, I am at a loss. Maybe you found the lack of trust hurting but then again, maybe he needs more affection from you to inspire trust... or to at least feel more love. At any rate, if that is it.. then have a candid adult convo about it with him and ask him if he trusts you. Then go from there. That makes two of us. I think he was probably trying to suss out if you are in fact only seeing him, but his attempt to do so was misguided. My assumption is that he hoped by cloaking it as a joke you'd reassure him there isn't anyone else. I don't think it's something to be upset over. 1
LoveRefreshed Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 One thing you should understand is any emotion you ever get is completely legitimate. It's how you react and express them when the problem starts. You're hurt and you totally can be. Just don't yell or bottle it in! Tall tonhim. Are you exclusive? If yes then tell him wining and dining is your boundary! Then tell him that you only want to be wined and dined and intimate with him and vice versa. Talking is the only way to get through this stuff!
GemmaUK Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 You yourself know that it takes more than just one sign for someone to potentially be controlling/abusive. Just be aware of any further signs cropping up. 1
joseb Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 That makes two of us. I think he was probably trying to suss out if you are in fact only seeing him, but his attempt to do so was misguided. My assumption is that he hoped by cloaking it as a joke you'd reassure him there isn't anyone else. I don't think it's something to be upset over. Yip he was basicialy trying to see are you multi dating, but maybe was a little awkward in how he asked it. Not sure why you are hurt. Are you dating others? Seems like that's what most people seem to be doing these days, so it's reasonable he thinks you might be.
Author Mindy6803 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 I've asked if he thought I was messing with someone else. He said no. This is a constant joke with him. If I send a text he doesn't understand he says it was meant for the other guy. Said something about his clothes being at my house. He said he didn't mean to cock block my other guy. Etc etc. it's getting a little annoying. He even made a joke about me sleeping with my hairdresser who is a woman.
frus69 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I've asked if he thought I was messing with someone else. He said no. This is a constant joke with him. If I send a text he doesn't understand he says it was meant for the other guy. Said something about his clothes being at my house. He said he didn't mean to cock block my other guy. Etc etc. it's getting a little annoying. He even made a joke about me sleeping with my hairdresser who is a woman. Well are you exclusive with him then?? If not I can sort of see why he keeps teasing you on this.
Versacehottie Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 That makes two of us. I think he was probably trying to suss out if you are in fact only seeing him, but his attempt to do so was misguided. My assumption is that he hoped by cloaking it as a joke you'd reassure him there isn't anyone else. I don't think it's something to be upset over. Expat said it perfectly. In my experience, this is 100% what's going on. He's trying not to sound vulnerable in doing so---so he overcorrected and to you, it came off douchey. I don't think it's controlling at all or a sign that he will become controlling. It IS a sign that at current time (and status with you), he is more comfortable asking indirectly and through other means like joking to find out what your feelings for him are. Some guys will be this way the whole relationship which has another set of problems in that they do not easily open up. But lots of guys are like this (about opening up and communication). It wouldn't bother me. Keep an eye out for ego things with him. That's usually why they cloak in a joke--because the ego is waaaaayyyyy more fragile than they let on, ie these are usually guys that act the opposite!! I would take it as a sign that he really likes you. 1
Riptide91 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I make the "your other boyfriend" and "my other girlfriend" joke all the time to my girlfriend. She knows I am kidding and that I'm completely faithful to her. Just as I know she is to me. He is teasing you and if you get upset about something as small as that you should rethinking dating anyone with a sense of humor. 3
katiegrl Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I've asked if he thought I was messing with someone else. He said no. This is a constant joke with him. If I send a text he doesn't understand he says it was meant for the other guy. Said something about his clothes being at my house. He said he didn't mean to cock block my other guy. Etc etc. it's getting a little annoying. He even made a joke about me sleeping with my hairdresser who is a woman. Exactly! He was JOKING. Why don't you joke back? If it were me I would be like "oops, sorry, got your names mixed up lol," or "sorry should've been more careful to get his clothes out of way before you got here...lol" You are way too serious... many guys love to banter....so banter back! Or just learn to know when a guy is joking, being sarcastic, teasing, playing, bantering with you.... To me it's obvious that is what he is doing. Try to lighten up! 2
meeji Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I think he was trying to tell you without being too vulnerable that he really likes you and is interested in being more than just friends. He said it jokingly as to not make an awkward conversation. I don't think this guy seems controling. I think he's hinting to you that he wants to get more serious and if you're still dating other men he wouldn't get invested in you futher. I think it's kind of flattering. Guys dont care about what other guys you're seeing or what you're doing with them when they don't care much about you. If I had to guess, I'd say this guy is developing feelings for you and was trying to avoid having that "What are we talk," by lightening the mood. Don't be mad. He's trying to feel you out to see if you like him too. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 You are over reacting. It's banter. If he actually thought you were cheating he would not joke about it. He'd pick a fight or just leave. It struck a nerve with you b/c of the baggage you carry from your controlling EX. 1
ravfour4 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 That was his insecure and awkward way of saying he wants you to be his, but he wants it to come off as not caring about other guys hitting on you even though he does - hence his "they can do whatever they want as long as you come back to me" comment. His real thoughts: "omg I hope she isn't seeing someone else, compose yourself sir, act confident, say something witty" You're just mad because you think this means he sincerely doesn't care if you see others, you're wrong. He likes you, tell him you like him back and he'll appreciate it.
oregon0011 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 That was his insecure and awkward way of saying he wants you to be his, but he wants it to come off as not caring about other guys hitting on you even though he does - hence his "they can do whatever they want as long as you come back to me" comment. His real thoughts: "omg I hope she isn't seeing someone else, compose yourself sir, act confident, say something witty" You're just mad because you think this means he sincerely doesn't care if you see others, you're wrong. He likes you, tell him you like him back and he'll appreciate it. I have made jokes like this all the time... The girl usually laughs and plays along.. Or she does the same to me... It's called having fun.. In no way was I ever joking to try and see if she is exclusive.. 1
ravfour4 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 She's worried that him saying that implies he doesn't care and that he'd sincerely be okay with other men wining and dining her, that's not true. He likes her and he's just trying to play it cool by writing it off and saying he's be cool with other guys wining and dining her. Either she's a FWB and he's telling the truth or he secretly would really care if other guys were wining and dining her
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