Rorocher Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 How in the world do you even maneuver something like that that would take a tremendous amount of courage? Does anyone have first hand experiences? Especially when kids are involved. After many years together, joint assets, friends, lives, family, etc. How does one person leave all of that behind and essentially "walk out" from a life that they've known for years?. How do you break it to friends, family, co-workers, etc?, How do you navigate the huge fall out and the stigma of being known as the man/woman who left his family for another person? And most importantly, the kids, how do they handle it? that Daddy or Mommy left us? I would love to hear about people's experiences regarding this.
cocorico Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 How in the world do you even maneuver something like that that would take a tremendous amount of courage? Does anyone have first hand experiences? Especially when kids are involved. After many years together, joint assets, friends, lives, family, etc. How does one person leave all of that behind and essentially "walk out" from a life that they've known for years?. How do you break it to friends, family, co-workers, etc?, How do you navigate the huge fall out and the stigma of being known as the man/woman who left his family for another person? And most importantly, the kids, how do they handle it? that Daddy or Mommy left us? I would love to hear about people's experiences regarding this. My fMM (now H) left his xW after around 30 years M. We fell in love and wanted to be together. There had been a previous separation but he took her back when she begged because the kids had taken it so badly. She broke all her promises very quickly but he was reluctant to dump her so soon because of how traumatised the kids had been, so he stuck around but was vulnerable to an A. So they weren't really reconciled, and still lived pretty separate lives. So some time later, we engaged in an A, and over time fell in love. Because of that, we were increasingly present in each other's lives, and we socialised as a couple, so there was no real need to "break it" to friends, family or colleagues, as they all knew. The XW was the only one who didn't. When the kids were more stable, he sat down with them and discussed maybe splitting from the xW, and they were supportive, so he told her he was leaving, and then did. There was no stigma. His family all hated her, as did his friends, so they were all pleased he was finally happy. The kids were teens at the time. They asked for joint custody but in reality lived with us, so no one left them, they had a choice about where they wanted to spend their time. They settled pretty quickly and are now happy, well adjusted young people (having left home some years back). The finances weren't an issue, as they'd separated everything during the previous split, except the house which he bought off her. 1
RecentChange Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 My only experience with such a thing was my mom leaving to go with her "boy friend" - their relationship was always a mess, on and off again etc. As a teenage daughter, the whole thing made me lose a lot of respect for my mom. Eventually the BF dumped her and kicked her out of the house (he was cheating with someone new - surprise!) Through all the drama, she basically lost all of her friends (most were in my dad's or BF's social circles) Now she is in 60's and utterly alone....
chew123 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Rorocher, First of all I have to give you the disclaimer that I am a BS not the one who left. However it has been a while and I believe I know my ww well enough to answer your question. In her case I would not call it courage. I would probably call it more a sense of desperation that she had to leave. That is what gave her the strength to blow up her life to the degree that she did. I have always been a decent guy and she was always decent as well so for her to make this decision she had to be desperate. And rightly or not she is enduring many of the consequences that you mentioned. She lost my whole family and hers is not too pleased either. She has turned into a bit of a recluse with her, the OM and a few friends so she has lost quite a few of our mutual friends as well. She now has to work full time rather then 20 hrs a week. She had to move out of a house that she loved and is renting something not as nice but costs more. Do to careful handling of our son by both of us(well mainly me) her relationship with him is ok at least on the surface. One thing I can't answer for her though is if she is happy with her choice, though I suspect she is. Only she could answer that. All that being said if she really wanted to leave it was the right decision. Even though I would have preferred her to stay I never want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. Not good for either one of us. Back to the courage thing. Courage would be if she met someone, told me immediately before committing adultery, and divorced me. that would have taken real courage. Leaving for an AP? Desperation. 2
minimariah Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 How in the world do you even maneuver something like that that would take a tremendous amount of courage? i don't think it takes courage. i don't think leaving a relationship or a marriage is courageous (kids or not) - it depends on how mature you are & how were you raised. mature people, emotionally stable who were raised to be "free" - have no problems being honest and NOT waiting for the critical moment to leave. to them, it isn't a matter of being courageous. it's a normal life phase. How does one person leave all of that behind and essentially "walk out" from a life that they've known for years? in my experience (my father did leave my mother) - people leave when it becomes too much to play the double life & when it becomes too unbearable to stay at home OR when they have a SUPER strong option #2 waiting for them. in other words - rarely do folks leave all that comes with a marital life on their own. they usually drift from one relationship to another... something like a safety net. no one takes that fall unless they at least THINK they have a soft landing spot. How do you break it to friends, family, co-workers, etc? my father sat me down (with my mother) & both of them told me they were getting a divorce. same for everyone else. i'm of an opinion that if the divorce happens - no one really needs to know about the affair. my father actually lived for almost two years alone before his AP joined him - so nothing was rushed. it is something that stayed between him, me & my mother. i assume my mother seeked comfort with her friends and family, i did with mine, my father did the same... the same way you break up every other relationship. you don't have to air all your dirty laundry to everyone. you say the important things and leave it at that - it didn't work out and we are divorcing. How do you navigate the huge fall out and the stigma of being known as the man/woman who left his family for another person? in my general experience -- other people (friends & not close family, coworkers) usually forget. the successful the postaffair relationship is - the lesser the stigma. when someone leaves their spouse and their relationship with the AP falls apart within 6 months, for example - people WILL say "AHA!!!! what a dumba*s". when that relationship actually lasts, when there is marriage and eventually kids people do mellow down and eventually... they'll say "oh, well it seems like he/she left for the real thing". it really depends on a lot of things. the stigma is not the same in a big city and small village. And most importantly, the kids, how do they handle it? that Daddy or Mommy left us? the way they handle it depends on their age & the way the parents act and on their relationship together. my father left - i was a teen. i later found out about the affair and i felt a way about it. it damaged my relationship with my father but instead of trying to "fix" that little hole... i accepted that change and we created a bigger and better relationship based on that knowledge... the knowledge that my dad is a real human being who made a mistake. my cousin was 2 when their father left them & she doesn't remember anything. he eventually married his AP, they have children together. her mother also remarried and has children with her second husband. so if you were to ask her, she would say it wasn't a big deal at all because it worked fantastic for all involved. i mean... it depends. on the child and age - i think that smaller children adapt better & adult children have a mind of their own so they can pass their own judgement... that can be tricky if the affair is known. when parents divorce - no one leaves or divorces the child. so if the parent who did leave still remains an active participant in the child's life - child won't think that the parent abandones him. good coparenting, parents who have each other's back no matter what, parents who are respective of each other and encourage each other's relationship with the child... all of that is NECESSARY for a good transition. also, partner who had an affair to be with the AP needs to take it slow. moving out with the AP a month after you left your marital home and trying to drag kids into the mess is a huge no, for example.
Got it Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 We were both married when we started our affair. For myself, I had been at the point where I was acknowledging I needed to divorce, had tried everything I could in my marriage, and was putting together the pieces to make the decision. Once the affair started, I left a few weeks later. I did not have kids with my ex and we ended amicably. I was pretty open about the affair, I had family and friends that knew he was married and while some may not have agreed, they did support me. He always planned on leaving since he had found out about his wife's affair but was waiting until the kids grew up when our affair started and ultimately changed his timeline. Once he decided to leave, I focused on living my life, and allowing him to figure out his situation. For myself, once we had the dday (he had started talking divorce when dday happened) for me, the line in the sand was his wife knowing. So we ended things while he dealt with the issues at home. A few months later he separated and we started dating again, divorced a year later based on state laws, and then were dating. We went very slowly with the kids, didn't meet them until well after the divorce, and allowed him to build his relationship with them. We are happily married now and expecting our first child and I have a great relationship with all the kids. There were a lot of hurdles to get through and a lot of communication on all ends. The one thing that I would say that REALLY stood out for my about my husband was his willingness to communicate, to be transparent, and to actively work on our relationship. I strongly suggest this is vital for any relationship after the affair (actually within the affair as well) and couples counseling as well as IC was key for us. I am not sure about the stigma, not sure how much it has impacted things/us. It is what it is but, at least in our case, you work through/beyond it. I will also say that we did not divorce for each other. While of course there was some factor at play we were both very conscious of making sure that ending the previous marriage was the best decision regardless of the affair and outcome from it. I have never regretted my divorce and know it was the absolutely right decision for my ex and I. I strongly discourage divorcing FOR someone.
No Limit Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I was the child stuck between arguing parents; it did mess me up a bit back then, but I managed. Thankfully the divorce battle was short, my father has no role in my life at all and I hope it stays that way (unreliable, cheating, bad temper - what to do with a person like this?). My mom's pattern for "bad boys" or "forbidden fruits" never vanished though, old habits die hard - while I'm always polite to her and appreciate the financial aid which allows me to work on a good career, I have no respect left for her.
2.50 a gallon Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 My best friend married my sister, we had known each other since forever, even went to school and graduated together. Later we ended up working together. Their two girls were still in school when I moved out of state after getting married. My marriage lasted a whole 6 months, and about a year later I found out that my sister had just caught my BIL cheating with a co-worker. They divorced, and he quickly remarried the OW. I found out later that my nieces were totally upset with their dad, and after they were old enough, quit going on visitations. I was also to learn that the OW's kids felt the same way about their mother. Several years later, after I moved back home, my oldest niece married and had two kids. I saw my ExBIL at the christening of the two kids. And figured that those wounds had healed. I just did not ask about it. My youngest niece waited until her 30's to marry and then her future husband insisted that she invite her father At the wedding I had to introduce my ExBIL to his grand kids. He had not seen them since that day in church almost two a decades before. My ExBIL was a 4 year letterman in high school. He had no idea that his grandson had walked in his footsteps and was also a four year letterman in football. He never got to see him play. In talking to my ex best friend I found out that he and the OW now owed a small ranchete on the out skirts of town, with horse privileges. They each had horses, and also had one older very tame horse that they bought purposely for the day when their grand kids came over to visit. It never happened
Httm Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Divorce first. Don't be a coward. Having an affair is the exact opposite of courageous.
Giggle Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Honestly I don't think it had anything to do with courage. My ex wanted her. He did spend awhile waffling because of our life and how comfortable it was. It just wasn't high chemistry like he wanted and she was kid free to do fun stuff with him. Not having his kids with him anymore? I really don't think that bothered him. He got lonely after since she wasn't able to love with him for awhile. And he'd call me missing me after they fought. He had her so how scary was that? Scary as **** for me with 3 little kids and pregnant.
phineas Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Well, when I caught my wife cheating & kicked her out she really didn't have much of a choice but to go with the guy she was cheating on me with. 6 yrs later she is with him & still miserable so....LOL!
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