Fiance is unsure if she is feeling the chemistry any more...

[accountnat]

I have a very delicate situation that I do not want to screw up. My fiance and I have been together for four years. We have a 2 year old, both work, and live in a house. My fiance went to Vegas for her 21st birthday. When she came back she was a bit distant to me. I felt something may be wrong. We had argued one night after she got back and she told me she was bored with me and didn't know if she felt a connection anymore. The next day I bought her a dozen roses and wrote her a letter talking about how I had been taking our relationshipo for granted and not doing the little things that count, life kind of got in the way. I told her I am going to make a change and show her more often how I feel about her and to try and plan more time for us together to do things. Her telling me that stuff the night before had made me think about why she could be feeling distant.

 

Well after getting the flowers and letter she said she felt guilty because she had hung out with another guy in Vegas and kind of liked him. She said she doesn't feel the chemistry between us anymore and that we need to put our relationship on "pause" for a few months so she can figure it out. I disheartedly agreed and continued to try and make things better. Than I find her talking to this guy every other night at our own house! I was not cool with that and asked her to stop, she stated that she was mearly talking to him and that there was nothing wrong with that. I felt there was a problem with that because she had told me she kind of liked him and it made her think if she really wants to be with me. I was completely heart-broken, scared to lose her, depressed, etc... Well the week goes on and the coming weekend she is going to San Diego to hang out with friends and visit relatives. I think that it is a good thing so we can get some time apart and she can think. Well she gets back and I being the jealous person I am looked over her phone log to see if she had called the guy, which she had spoken to him 3 times and only called me once over the entire weekend. This really upset me and the next day, yesterday, I wrote her a letter telling her I didn't think it was right to put a relationship on pause especially when we have a kid. I also said that if she thinks this relationship is worth saving she needds to try as I am. I guess you could call it an ultimatum in that I told her either we need to try, there is no pause, or we need to split up now. She would not agree with me on the fact that there shouldn't be a pause. Her definition of pause is that we can go out and see other people! I told her that made me feel completely used, in that I feel like her backup plan. I continued to argue with her that it was not right to do this to me and that I didn't deserve it.

 

I told her we can't continue to be on pause because all I can do every minute of every day is worry about losing her. I told her that she needs to leave, which brought on an argument about who is the one to leave. I told her she needs to leave because A. It was her fault that the relationship might end. B. She cannot afford to live there herself. Things got very emotional and I said "I know what it is, you want me to break up with you" after that she would not talk to me and continued to ignore me. She was unsure of why I "Fliiped out" because she is just talking to this guy. I told her its because of what else you said along with it, how do you expect me to feel. So I left the house for a bit to cool off. Now our relationship stands as we are broken up, she will not talk to me and is mad at me for some reason. I really didn't want to break up with her but I also don't want to put our relationship on pause. I felt that she is letting outside influences determine the course of our relationship. Well now that I got everything out I want to continue to try and make things work, but I am afraid it won't because she is bitter from our argument and me telling her to leave. It seems as though she is trying to turn it around on me. I am going to go to relatives for 3 or 4 days so we can get some time apart and think things over. She is very confused and doesn't know if she wants to be with me.

 

Was it wrong of me to give her an ultimatum?

Is a "Pause" a valid thing in a relationship with a child?

Where do I go from here?

 

I really want to make things work, but now I fear it has gone to far, I am hoping some time apart will have some effect. She has told me she misses me when shes not around me, and she'll even call me at work to ask useless questions just to call me. That makes it very confusing and my emotions go up and down with hope and fear.

 

Now she won't talk to me at all and is being spiteful as if I did something terribly wrong by venting how I feel. I probably shouldn't have asked her to leave, but my emotions got caught in the way of my tounge.

 

I want to open the communication back up, but am unsure of how to do so. She will not accept an apology, only ignore me and go into a separate room. I really feel that I screwed up by arguing like that, but I feel that I was disrespecting myself by letting her do this to me and sitting back like nothing ever happened. It is out of my system now and I am ready to move forward.

 

How can I fix things between us?

Should I take the time apart, even though I am sure she will not like that idea and feel that I am abandoning her?

Should I agree to give her the time she needs?

 

It is a very unfortunate situation, especially in the fact that her maturity level gets in the way of moving forward and trying to work things out.

 

Any input would be appreciated, feel like kicking myself in the butt.

[miss fortune]

I am sorry you are dealing with this

 

I saw a couple of red flags in your post. #1, you said she should move out because the relationship being in jeopardy is her fault. I dont agree -- something happened to cause her feelings to stray to begin with, and it could have been at the fault of yourself. She is clearly not telling you exactly what it is that happened to cause her to stray and she may not even know.

 

#2, if she wanted to make things work indefinitely, she would respect the fact that you are uncomfortable with her talking to this other guy and she would stop. You asked her to and she wouldnt. Thats a clear sign that she needs time to figure out what she wants.

 

#3, ultimatums are not always good because sometimes we dont get the answer we want to hear, and then we fold and end up not following thru with our request, and then it makes you look weak and your statement look even weaker. You gave the ultimatum, now live up to it. Tell her either she stops it with him and resumes with you, or you two stop in your tracks for a while and you bother re-evaluate what you both want.

 

#4, you are getting a jealous streak by checking her phone -- that is bad because it shows you do not trust her. Trust is a huge factor in a relationship and while I agree she is putting your relationship on the line by continuing contact with him, she is allowed to do whatever she chooses...shes a big girl (no offense) but likewise, you are an adult and need to treat yourself and her like one as well. Have some respect for yourself, she is obviously not seeing the seriousness of the situation for what its worth.

 

#5, there is no way we can suggest for you to "get her back". We cant know everything about the situation just by one post -- like for example, how old are you both? How much did you date, or sow your oats, before getting engaged? Perhaps you both jumped the gun too soon to get engaged...or maybe just her...

 

#6, concentrate less on "showing" her how you feel simply by flowers and more by your actions. Be more flirty with her, it sounds like the spark has fizzled in your relationship...

 

Good luck..

[accountnat]

Yes, it seems that the spark has fizzled, and her going to Vegas and meeting this guy has made her think. I know she is confused, but I am not sure of the details as she is unwilling to share them with me. I am trying as hard as I can to not be jealous, keep a good mood, and keep things normal.

 

Her actions are very confusing to me in that she has told a few people that we'll probably get back together and resolve this. On the other hand she continues to give me the cold shoulder and rarely speak to me. I know she has problems talking to me because she had problems with her father, she would shut down and not try to resolve things.

 

I have not noticed her talking to this guy while I am around anymore, and I am not going to check her phone again. By her not sharing her feelings with me I am left to produce jealous and paranoid conjectures in my own mind of what she is feeling.

 

I am not quites sure if I can flirt with her because I feel that it will make her uncomfortable. She will not even give me a hug.

 

A little history...

 

We have been together for four years. I am 25 and she has just turned 21. We have had a good relationshhip with the normal ups and down. We do have problems with communication, due to her maturity level, age, and issues with communication, but I am guilty of turning my back as well. I asked her to marry me nearly two years ago, which my not following through may have a lot to do with this. She assumed since we didn't get married that I wasn't in love with her. I have told her that honestly I feel to young to get married and that I am in love with her and it shouldn't take getting married to prove that.

 

I know some of her feelings have to do with each of us taking our relationship for granted. After having our son life seemed to take precedent over our relationship. I just wish she could talk things out with me and let me help her get through this no matter what the result is. I just want her to be happy and if that means we shouldn't be together than thats the way it must be. But I am getting so many conflicting feelings from her I don't know what to beleive.

 

She is again planning a trip to Vegas in a couple of weeks, and of course, me being jealous and paranoid beleives it is so she can go to see this guy. I have asked her if that is why she wants to go back to Vegas and she stated it was because she had fun and it has nothing to do with the guy. I find that hard to beleive after what she told me.

 

I am not the controlling type, but I feel if I just stand back and let her go I am sealing my own fate. Than again this may be the test that she needs to determine if she really wants to be with me.

 

We have had talks before regarding the fact that if we get married she won't ever be able to see what else is out there. If this is merely her wanting to soak her oats before we committ to a lifetime together, than why not tell me.

 

I am overthinking what is going on and allowing it to fill my mind with paranoid conjectures and unreasonable ideas.

 

Why would she be giving me a cold shoulder? I would think that if she wants to see if things will work she would try to act as if things were normal too.

 

We are different people in that I like to talk things out, get it out in the open, and resolve them as soon as possible. She is the kind of person that keeps her feelings to herself and lashes out on those around her, especially me, by being moody and incommunicative.

 

What hurts me the most is the way she is treating me. She is treating me as if I never ment anything to her, a stranger, like I was the one who did something wrong. I know if she would just let her gaurd down and reciprocate the love I am giving her, that things would quickly return to normal. But she seems to be trying very hard not to.

 

I appreciate your help in this matter, sometimes I need a fresh perspective, keep it coming.

[tanbark813]

She didn't just "hang out" with the guy in Vegas, something happened. Otherwise she wouldn't be calling him all the time. Numbers don't lie, man, she called him more while away in San Diego than she did you. You feel like a backup plan right now because that's what you are. She wants the "pause" so she can figure out if she can have a relationship with this guy or not.

 

Your mind isn't coming up with jealous, paranoid fantasies. What you're feeling is your gut warning you that something is wrong. I would bet good money she will meet up with this guy in Vegas.

 

Also, why is she going on all these trips without you? The fact that she doesn't invite you along shows pretty clearly that the relationship is of little importance to her. IMHO, your relationship is heading toward an inevitable demise.

 

I'm also guessing she's going to start accusing you of not trusting her so she can guilt you into turning a blind eye to everything.

[accountnat]

I hear you man, and I should know better to trust my gut. It has served me well in the past. Suffice to say, I need to be the better man right now and give her the benefit of the doubt. This involves our child so I have to be careful to handle this situation with extreme caution. If it was just me and her this would be a completely different story. She is not the type to play me purposefuly or with intent to hurt me. I am pretty sure that she is confused, I mean she is human, we do these kind of things, some with more maturity, others selfishly. She is the type of person that is extremely honest so I am very sure she would tell me if she cheats. If she does than we'll go from there, but in the mean time I can't accuse her for her sake and my own. Besides being honest, she would be the type to rub that in my face. The best I can do is wait it out and see what happens.

 

Thanks for looking out for another guy!

[Sal Paradise]

1) She cheated on you in Vegas. Even if she didn't Physically she did Emotionally.

 

2) She is trying to use you. She wanted the pause so she could go back to Vega and see if thats what she wants, knowing if it doesn't work out she come running home to you.

 

3) You were right to issue the ultimatum and to break up with her.

 

She basicallty spat in your face when she said during the pause she wanted to see other people. She is basically telling you she wants to see if anyone out there is better but in case they're not she wants the security of knowing she can come back to you. Its completely and utterly unreasonable.

 

I applaud you for moving out. You shouldn't feel bad at all. This chick has serious problems. She wants her cake and to eat it too. Just watch her reaction when she gets back from Vegas. She most certainly went there to see him. And when she gets back she may contact you, either to say she doesn't want to get back together (she likes new guy more) or that she wants to work things out (she got him out of her system now wants her security blanket back).

 

I strongly urge you to kick this ungrateful, cheating, emotionally immature girl (I say girl because a real woman wouldn't act this way) to the curb for good. Don't take her back, she will never respect you if you do and will end up cheating again.

[miss fortune]

Hey,

 

I know from your perspective, you love her with all your heart and you cant understand why marriage would be the only way to prove your love -- but women are like this...getting married is kinda like the equivalent (times 10) of our prom. We plan for it when we are little and fantasize all the way until it happens. For you to marry her would be the ultimate proof that you only want her and for always. She clearly didnt take you seriously because since you didnt follow thru with the wedding (not that its all your fault but it takes two to tango) she saw that as a red flag that you may say you love her but youre not showing it to her in the way she thought you would.

 

It actually might help if you pick up that men are from mars/women from venus book, it explains very simply and accurately how we think about marriage and a bunch of other issues. We truly are from other planets because we think SO differently. I dont like to be all "yeah read this book for advice" but I truly think it'll help shed some light on her thoughts right now even tho she wont talk about it.

 

Good luck, I suggest asking her if you can take a vacation with her to get away. Or maybe go with her to vegas?

[accountnat]

Ok, now that I have had some time out of the house I have been able to think from a different perspective. I know now that this may have more to do with this guy than I think. The only problem I have now is this trip to Vegas. I have know her to be very honest and I would never expect her to lie. She says she is going to Vegas to have fun, she is going with her girl friend. I suspect that she is going to see this guy and have some fun. Is there someway I can figure out if that is the case?

 

I can ask her all I want and think all I want about why shes really going there, but I won't truly know till she returns. In the mean time I can't just assume thats whats going to happen because it will only make things worse for me and her. I feel that if I end things completely now because I feel she is going there to meet up with this guy I may make matters worse. I know if I ask her if it has anything to do with this guy she will treat me as if I am being rediculous and crazy.

 

Its not as big an issue to me that I am not going, we have a child and someone needs to stay home with him. I think it may be that this guy charmed her, made her feel good, maybe turned her on, and she wants to go there to have some good times with him. If she wants to get with this guy why not simply tell me the truth? Atleast I could respect her for telling me the truth instead of playing me like some gullable fool. I mean if this is all because she is young and just wants to experiment sexually before she committs to me, than just tell me, that is somewhat understandable. Not a nice thing to do, but we are human. I too feel that she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Can anbody think of anyway to drag the truth out of her?

 

Is there any chance she really is just going out there to have fun?

 

Should I completely end things now and have her move out based on my thoughts and conjectures?

 

Thanks for your help

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by accountnat

Ok, now that I have had some time out of the house I have been able to think from a different perspective. I know now that this may have more to do with this guy than I think. The only problem I have now is this trip to Vegas. I have know her to be very honest and I would never expect her to lie. She says she is going to Vegas to have fun, she is going with her girl friend. I suspect that she is going to see this guy and have some fun. Is there someway I can figure out if that is the case?

 

I can ask her all I want and think all I want about why shes really going there, but I won't truly know till she returns. In the mean time I can't just assume thats whats going to happen because it will only make things worse for me and her. I feel that if I end things completely now because I feel she is going there to meet up with this guy I may make matters worse. I know if I ask her if it has anything to do with this guy she will treat me as if I am being rediculous and crazy.

 

Its not as big an issue to me that I am not going, we have a child and someone needs to stay home with him. I think it may be that this guy charmed her, made her feel good, maybe turned her on, and she wants to go there to have some good times with him. If she wants to get with this guy why not simply tell me the truth? Atleast I could respect her for telling me the truth instead of playing me like some gullable fool. I mean if this is all because she is young and just wants to experiment sexually before she committs to me, than just tell me, that is somewhat understandable. Not a nice thing to do, but we are human. I too feel that she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Can anbody think of anyway to drag the truth out of her?

 

Is there any chance she really is just going out there to have fun?

 

Should I completely end things now and have her move out based on my thoughts and conjectures?

 

Thanks for your help

 

The chances of her going there for fun that doesn't involve this guy or another guy are slim to none.

 

I think you should completely end things because think of it this way.....

 

Let's say best case scenerio she comes running home after her trip from Vegas and says what a terrible mistake she made. You're always going to know in the back of your mind that she settled for you. That she went there hoping to find something better. She has basically told you this when she said the pause was so she could see other people. She is using you. She isn't even hiding her intentions really. She has laid the cards on the table "I want to see whats out there but in case it sucks I want to come home to you, but if I find something better tough crap for you."

 

Leave her now and never look back. She doesn't respect you and she never will. She puts her feelings and wants ahead of everything else.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

1. She cheated on you while in vegas. My guess would be only emotionally, and that she did not sleep with the other guy (which is just as bad or worse if you think about it). Whether she had sex with him then, you will never know, but I doubt it.

 

2. She is going there to see the other man, and she does plan on hooking up with him this time, or is at minimum, giggling with her friend about it, and not ruling out the possibility. And she is giving you literal honesty, even if there are lies of omission involved, and is not being completely candid. She is "going to vegas with her girl friend and is going to have fun". I don't doubt that either of those things are quite true, in that the girl friend is also going, and she plans to have LOTS of fun with this other guy. But we both know that isn't real honesty if that is the case, but she could still say "I told you I was going to have fun, I didn't say with whom" - ugh. Intellectually, you know this already, even if your heart will not let you beleive it completely, as it is the truth. If she really needed just a gambling trip, had no plans to see the guy, but cared enough about your relationship not to throw a massive wrench into it, she could find some place less destructive to your relationship to go than Vegas, but she is going to Vegas, because he is there. 95% chance, it is for a hookup with him. Sorry man, but it is the truth.

 

3. She is acting obtuse (acting like she fails to grasp the gravity of her actions and what they will do to your relationship) because she really wants to see this other guy, and does not want to face up to the fact that while your relationship definately had real problems some of which were probably your fault (or this would not have happened in the first place), that she is the one who is destroying it to the point where there may not be enough to put back together by taking this trip. She may not actually have slept with him yet, but now she is acting pissed at you, and you had an argument, so "what the hell - time to go to Vegas again." Not wanting to look at you, talk to you, or be in the same room with you, is a pretty good indicator she may have promised herself sexually to the other guy when she gets there, or at least plans to "see where it goes" when she meets him, pretty much knowing where that "where it goes" will eventually be someone's hotel room. She has some guilt about that, but perhaps not enough to actually remain faithful to her Fiance. The whole "put our relationship on pause" thing is another way she has contrived to excuse herself from some of the guilt associated with what she plans to probably do when she goes to Vegas. "I didn't betray you. I never slept with him while we were together for real. I told you we were "taking a pause", and I explained what that meant". You know what the problems with that statement are, of course, and so does she, but expect to hear something dippy like that when she gets back to justify what she did if she goes, and to help her lessen her guilt about the very awful thing she is comtemplating doing.

 

4. You are most assuredly the backup plan. She has not ruled out being with you, but she definately wants to see "where it goes" with the other guy first (or at least have the experience at the expense of your relationship). I know it hurts to hear that, but it is the truth. She percieves the other guy as fun and exciting. You, on the other hand, are "kid's dad", the nice guy who will do the right thing. Some of that may in fact be your fault, but you already know that. Still, she wants the bad boy right now, and may not fully appreciate what she is doing to your relationship. That is probably the only reason she didn't just cut you loose, and pursue a long-distance relationship with this other guy to begin with (well, she did that, behind your back as evidenced by her calling him three times as often as she called you, but it is the reason she didn't cut you loose completly).

 

5. I think you need to tell her you love her, but that you cannot take the disrespect of her going to Vegas to screw the other guy. I would tell you to insist on going, but even if you did, somebody needs to watch the kid, and if she really wants to find 3 hours to hook up with the other guy, she will anyway, so that is really not a solution. I would tell you to tell her you want to marry her and throw out a date about one year in the future to increase the chances she might rethink things and not go, but I'm not sure you really still want to marry her after all of this, certainly not enough probably to set a definate date. I do think that if she does consent to break it off and do no contract with the other guy, and not go to vegas to screw him (what she would need to do before the two of you would have a real shot at saving the relationship), that you should start thinking about marriage, or ending it. It is obviously something she wants very badly.

 

I'm sorry to have to tell you these things, but they are things you need to realize. If you think she might do something other than just go ballistic and do the whole "you just don't trust me so we're through" drama-filled tirade (only you know if she is the type of person who would do that or not), and if you think it might actually get through to her, consider showing her this thread. It makes some good points, has replies from both men and women, and nobody here has any stake in whether the two of you work out or not. Perhaps it would at least make her understand how what she is doing quite understandbly is making you feel, from a more objective perspective.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

As for what you can do, I think that you need to tell her how much you love her, and that you cannot "share her" with another man while playing at working on the relationship. As long as she has regular contact with the other man, that is basically what is happening (emotionally, even if he is currently in vegas and she is not sleeping with him at the moment). Ask her what you can do to be for her, what he is for her. If she says he is just a friend she can talk to, tell her you want to be that for her, and you want her to be that for you. Tell her you want to work on the relationship for real, and do whatever it takes to make it right even if it is hard because you feel like your relationship is worth it, and that you hope she has enough love for you to feel the same way, and do the same. Tell her that for you this is not about obligation, or just about your son, and that you truly love her. You want to try, and you hope she will try too, by not continuing the emotional affair with the other man. Tell her that based on what she has said about this "pause" meaning the ability to see other people, and based on what she told you about the other man in Vegas, that you feel that she is going there to meet him, and that even if it isn't the case, it makes you very uncomfortable. As her how she would feel in a similar situation, where you were going to a town without her, after not talking to her for a while and after having fights, and where a woman you really liked and felt guilt about getting too close to lived. She may come back with "I would trust you and wouldn't make such a big deal about it" as a defense mechanism, but the point will be made. Tell her that it is her decision whether to give up on your relationship and that you know you cannot control what she does nor would you want to try. Tell her that you do want her, love her, and need her with all of your heart, but that you only want her if she wants you too. Tell her that while you do not believe in ultimatums, that you feel like this trip to Vegas in light of what she has already told you, is a very serious turning point, and that it would mean a lot to you and tell you a lot of things about how she feels about you if she did not go to Vegas, and that maybe you could all plan a vacation together to get closer instead of further apart (having a son is not a good reason to not take vacations together - you either take him with you, or get someone responsible to watch him).

 

If she goes anyway, it is probably over, unless you want to go through the whole trying to get past her affair thing, knowing that if she did it even after you told her all of the above, it was because she didn't care about you enough not to. Good luck. I hope both of you figure out a way to work it out.

[accountnat]

its really not even about losing her anymore. If thats the way things have to go than that is the way it goes. What is so horrible is the way she is treating me, like I did something wrong. Barely talks to me, stays in her room, cold shoulder, treats me like a stranger. I have already asked her to move out and she refuses. I cannot move out because I have a financial obligation to the lease of which she could not afford. She sends me completely mixed messages, telling others that we'll probably get back together, talking to me about future events together, as if things will end up fine. I feel like I'm in High School again, dating some girl playing games, except this is no time to play games, we have a child and many responsabilities. If she could just be honest with me I would have so much more respect for her.

 

She treats me as if I am being rediculous thinking she is going out there to meet with this guy. I feel almost as if she is trying to push me into leaving and ending everything all the way. I mean how dumb does she think I am, it makes me feel like a gullable fool. Makes me second guess my feelings and thought process. Because I will never truly know until she either tells me or I find out someway.

 

As far as telling her I love her and don't want to lose her, these things have been said many times. She knows I am hurt and I want to be with her.

 

This would be so much eaiser if she could simply act like a responsile adult.

 

I drove down to my parents house in San Jose on thursday and am still here, I told her we need some time apart. I needed some time away from her negative attitude too. I know things will be no different when I get back and I am so afraid to go back and restir my emotions. To add gas to the fire she isn't going to Vegas till the weekend of the 18th June. So in the mean time I have to try and live around this nasty attitude, the cold shoulder, etc...

 

I have said everything I can to this girl and she just gets angrier and more distant the more I try to talk with her. I just want closure to this situation, I have been an emotional wreck, anxious, up and down, for the past few weeks and I can't take it anymore. This is really strange I just don't know what to do, I feel sometimes that I am just going to break down. I feel like the lonely housewife being cheated on by her husband. That'll do a lot for a guy's confidence.

[Marshbear]

Her cold shoulder, leaving the room, not talking is just guilt and anger. She is emotionally immature and does this because she feels it will upset you. I had an ex that got mad at me for breaking off our relationship and she did and still does these exact things. Until she grows up and decides that this other guy is not the great, exciting time she is looking for in her life your life will be pain and heartache. She doesn't respect you enough to think you will actually break off your relationship and that is why she is still going to Vegas. She knows you are responsible and she is using that so she can do what she wants to do. She can be the kid and not think about the consequences.

 

I would say that you need to let her know that if she goes to Vegas that the relationship is over and you will do everything in your power to get your child. You need to stick up for you and your child because she is willing to throw away your relationship for some time of excitement with the other guy. Be strong and don't let her guilt influence you. You know what's going on.

 

 

Peace...

[Sal Paradise]

You're not married and the house belongs to you (in a legal sense), have the cops come remove her from the property. Or wait till she goes to Vegas (or leaves the house for any reason) and have all the locks changed and have all her stuff thrown out on the front lawn. Either way works.

 

Also contact a lawyer and pursue custody of the child. She is not responsible enough to raise a child at this time. Thats what happens when babies have babies.

 

Do not however propose marriage to her. Do not reward her misbehavior. Do not get yourself legally bound to this woman. She has to earn that trust.

[Suzmot]

I know this is old and I'm just a guest, however I wanted to draw attention to one thing.

 

She's 21 and you've been together for 4 years.

 

This happens with a fairly large chunk of young couples in this situation. The younger person who's probably never had a serious relationship before this one crosses into adult-hood, gets a brief look into a world they realise they're "never" going to experience and they panic.

 

She wants out, she wants to taste of all the things she thinks she will never get to experience.

 

There's no way to "resolve" this, she's going to do what she thinks she needs to do... it's horrible, but you must let her go for your own sake.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by accountnat

1. Can anbody think of anyway to drag the truth out of her?

 

2. Is there any chance she really is just going out there to have fun?

 

3. Should I completely end things now and have her move out based on my thoughts and conjectures?

 

Thanks for your help

 

1. She won't give you the truth right now. Any 'truths' she has told you thus far have probably only been the tip of the iceberg. She's only going to tell you the amount that she can get away with and not have to lose this guy on the side. You want to pry out the truth? Hire a PI to go out there and get some solid proof. Only when faced with that will she be forthcoming, but be forewarned: she will still try to downplay it or somehow put a 'victim' spin on it.

 

 

2. She is going out there to have fun, and I would bet a large sum of money this guy will be there to share that fun with her.

 

3. Get solid proof first before you do anything. Your thoughts and conjectures are probably spot on, but... thoughts and conjectures can be second-guessed in times of doubt. Get solid proof. Hire that PI. Get pictures, etc. You can't second guess the solid proof if it is in hand.