itisdanielle Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 It has just hit me that my ex (dumper) is not coming back. And I promptly burst into tears. I've heard nothing from him since the BU, not even the tiniest breadcrumb. I've been trying to get my head around this for so long. I knew that subconsciously I was waiting for the 'oh my God I made a huge mistake please take me back' line from him. I've spent the month since the BU analysing everything he said to me - he gave me so many reasons, each of them contradicting the other. Now I realise that his actions were to end our relationship. No matter what reasons he told me, him breaking up with me shows that he does not want to be with me and has decided that his life will be better without me in it. I have had so many emotions since. Denial, upset, angry, hopeful... but this one feels the worst yet. Why? I'm hoping this means that my healing is almost over? Is anyone else in this stage/been through it that can share experiences? I don't really know where I'm going to go from here. It's as if the hope of him coming back was a comfort, and now that's gone. 2
Silver_star Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 In a way it is a POSITIVE thing that he hasn't contacted you with breadcrumbs. It is such a set back. Today my ex contacted me again with small talk, and im not yet healed from the BU, when they think its cool to talk its just a slap in the face to the relationship you are mourning. As to say it wasn't significant enough to mourn. You need your time away. I think it is the last "nice" thing a guy/girl can do if they are going to dump you, is to let you heal and get away from them and move on. So consider yourself lucky, you are not getting those breadcrumbs from him. Get busy with your own life, and although its tough..every day you will find your life getting too full to think about him as often. Life will get great again for you, just takes time.
Author itisdanielle Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 I know. It does come into my mind a little that I wish he would reach out. But I do know that it's a good thing that he hasn't, and if I'm being honest, I don't really want him to contact me because I know in the long run that is what will help. I know I'm making progress. I contacted him once a week after the BU and that's all which I am proud of. I'm keeping busy and not letting it stop my life. It's just this stage that I'm finding difficult. Before this, I felt I had a bit of a 'security blanket' because in my mind I had convinced myself he would regret it and he would miss me and want me back.. and now I feel that it's final, he won't change his mind and that's it - it's done for good.
Silver_star Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I have had the same feelings as you. That "Security Blanket" wouldn't feel too secure though would it? If he came back? Would you trust him? Maybe a bit, but would you be the same? Probably not. You may always be trying to feel secure in that relationship because of him dumping you to begin with. You may constantly be feeling the need for reassurance. You may always be scared of him leaving, or resentful. That's not the security blanket we should be seeking out. Be thankful you don't HAVE to share your life with him through obligations like work or kids. Go through the emotions, its part of the process. It's better that you move on to someone who realizes what he has when he has it. There are a lot of available men who will feel LUCKY as hell when he is with you.
Author itisdanielle Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 I have had the same feelings as you. That "Security Blanket" wouldn't feel too secure though would it? If he came back? Would you trust him? Maybe a bit, but would you be the same? Probably not. You may always be trying to feel secure in that relationship because of him dumping you to begin with. You may constantly be feeling the need for reassurance. You may always be scared of him leaving, or resentful. That's not the security blanket we should be seeking out. Be thankful you don't HAVE to share your life with him through obligations like work or kids. Go through the emotions, its part of the process. It's better that you move on to someone who realizes what he has when he has it. There are a lot of available men who will feel LUCKY as hell when he is with you. Very true. I actually have this in my notebook (I find it helpful to write my thoughts, and even copy some things I read on here that help me) that if we did get back together I would probably be constantly paranoid that he would leave again. And really, does anyone deserve to be with someone that would break up with them? It's like the dumper saying 'my life would be better without you in it'.. I think it's just difficult because this is the first time I have truly thought 'this is over'. Even though it was over as soon as he dumped me, the hope stopped me realising that. Fingers crossed that this is a giant leap in the healing process.
K2z Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 It's better that you move on to someone who realizes what he has when he has it. There are a lot of available men who will feel LUCKY as hell when he is with you. These words cut close to the bone for me, as a dumpee who failed to commit 100% in a timely way and who feels like an absolute idiot in retrospect. When it's good, stop wondering and dive.
Snix0805 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I feel you. I'm still at the point where I think he's going to come walkbing back that door, regret every thing he said to me. Don't we all, as dumpees, hope for the same thing? I think dumpers always have the upper hand. My ex is happier without me and does not miss me at all, true words from him. OUCH but that's the truth but why do i still keep thinking he'll come back to me after giving him the space he wanted? I think you're in a good place compared to me. I have been very depressed and really find it hard to do things on my own. I wish you luck in finding scceptance. I, too, wish for that for myself 1
Zapbasket Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I really feel for you because what you're experiencing now is one of the hardest parts. When my ex and I broke up in August of 2013, I was CERTAIN that I would hear from him that he made a mistake and wanted at least to talk. I was so sure this was what would happen that it took me a solid year of his silence to begin to break my hope. The realization that I was wrong and that he could throw our three and a half year relationship out just like that was truly crushing. It took me another year to overcome it. And now, there is almost comfort in accepting more and more that he just didn't love me enough and that he doesn't care. It hurts, but at least I'm no longer caught in the web of waiting for him to step up. I did it during the relationship, and I did it after it was over. Now, I truly feel that I owe him nothing, certainly not any more of my life waiting for him or expecting from him. I still hurt over it; it always hurts to be coldly rejected by someone you thought at one time was your best friend; but finally I am free to truly move on. You'll get there, too. From what I hear, being contacted by an ex isn't at all what it's cracked up to be. As my best friend said, "I know how much it would mean to hear from him, but even knowing that, I hope he NEVER contacts you." She always felt strongly that I could do much better...and now I think so, too. Hang in there. There will be days when you're more able to accept the breakup than other days. Just ride it all through and eventually you'll get where you want to be emotionally with this. 1
foam12 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I have had so many emotions since. Denial, upset, angry, hopeful... but this one feels the worst yet. Why? I felt all those same emotions and still do. Also, feel the same and it hit me the day she dumped me. Anything I did, heard, or saw that day reminded me of something about her and us, so I believe it is the memories of what was and the harsh reality that it may never happen again that caused me to hurt so much. We left actually on really good terms (which is a first for me), and I believe she made the best decision for her and her family at this point in her life, which helps me understand it more and be at peace with it. Best of luck!
Truth34 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 A lot of nice and well written replies here. I'm four months removed from initial heartbreak, and I'm doing pretty good now. But reading through this reminds me of how I felt so recently. It is really a crushing reality to know that the person is no longer who you knew. They don't miss like we miss. It turned so one sided.. It does get better. 1
Author itisdanielle Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) Hello everyone! Thanks for all of these replies - the support on this forum is pretty incredible. And it makes me happy reading fellow dumpees accepting the situation and making progress I also find helping other people (well, attempting - I'm no expert!) is helpful. Since the break up I've taken to journalling. I find it really helps me to write down my thoughts, if I want to speak to him it goes into the book instead, and I have so many cheesy, motivational quotes it's untrue.. Anyway. Today I wrote: 'I think this breakup was necessary and has allowed me to see a perspective of the relationship that I otherwise wouldn't have. It's made me realise how I want to be in the future. I was not a bad girlfriend, being dumped is not a reflection of my actions. But I do realise I was definitely not perfect, and I can recall situations where I should have acted differently. [i won't go into details on that here - it would become a novel so I will spare you all.] I feel I DO want him to contact me with the intent to reconcile. However, I know that if he does not, I will still be okay. Eventually I will end up in a happy and loving relationship, whether it is with him or someone I haven't even met yet.' What are your thoughts on this? Is it unhealthy to still have the 'I do want him to want to reconcile', even though I know if it doesn't happen, that's fine too? I feel that I have been trying to force myself to think 'I don't want him, I don't want him to want to reconcile' because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to be thinking. This past month my thoughts have been all over the place. I have learnt a lot about myself and my relationship that I wouldn't have realised without the break up. So I am oddly kind of thankful for what happened.. Edited November 7, 2015 by itisdanielle
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