When a break happens, its actually two breaks...

[Confusioncreepsin]

Just something to think about, since I have gone through some of the darkest times lately. In my case, when a breakup happens you are losing not only a relationship, but a friendship. Sometimes the friendship hurts worse than the relationship. I find that to be the case for me.

 

I loved her, would have provided and protected her to the end of time, but she decided to string me along while cheating. After my anger, rage and personal mind movies, I really understood what was eating me the most...losing my best friend. The friend that I call or see when things were going good, bad, etc. The friend that shared many interests, that person I could just sit and talk to at night about anything to any level...never a yawn or boredom.

 

Keep in mind during your pain, that you are a strong person since you handling two relationships being killed at once. They (and you) may find a temporary crutch to supplement, but THEY will never have that deeper emotional connection that you had together. Yes, it will kill you when they move on, but understand that in most cases it is not a continuation of your relationship. It is a crutch. If they can't get that emotional fulfillment from their next supply, they will eventually try to lasso you in as a "friend".

 

My view is straightforward about this, they either accept the entire package of you or can have nothing of you. Why give them the emotional support as a friend while they supplement the physical elsewhere. Nothing but pure heartache. Don't be friends and help THEM...help yourself and offer the entire you to someone else. First, offer yourself to yourself

[foam12]

That's the hardest part for me too and people I've told that too think I'm an idiot and should just miss the sex or whatever else in the relationship. I can't pick up the phone to call or text like I was used to and that part sucks.

[burnt]

you are losing not only a relationship, but a friendship. Sometimes the friendship hurts worse than the relationship.

 

The friend that I call or see when things were going good, bad, etc. The friend that shared many interests, that person I could just sit and talk to at night about anything to any level...never a yawn or boredom.

 

It's the 'sharing' that I miss the most. Sharing of thoughts, every thought, everything thoughtful and everything stupid; that urge to want to engage in a conversation that moved with such natural fluidity. I didn't think--I just expressed and I just experienced that sharing of expressions.

[Confusioncreepsin]

DownTown: Here is a breakdown of my ex gf based on your 18 signs. I speak outside my element, but I believe it is a combination of NPD and BPD

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;

 

>>HIGH RATE: She was like a light switch at times. If one thing happened or was said to her she didn't like everything was all bad for the rest of the day. The only time this did not happen is with her children, she was able to switch back to all good only with her kids, while everyone else impacted by her all bad sat brooding.

 

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

 

>>HIGH RATE: You always, You never, You don't know me, You always have to win, You are never right

 

 

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

 

>>HIGh RATE: A little different circumstances since it was an affair (she was married and also me) but irrational jealousy with my wife and kids. Stalking them online, and making very nasty remarks to push me her way.

 

4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude (e.g., not appreciating all the 3-hour trips you made to see her for two years) and a double standard ;

 

>>HIGH RATE: Example, the last time she expected me to travel 4.5 hours to be with her overnight and then leave. Never any understanding of how much she would ask of me, just expected it and if I couldn't she would RAGE hard with you don't love me, no sacrifice for me, etc

 

 

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;

 

>>LOW RATE/HIGH RATE: She was low in this action during the first 2 years, but I broke up with her in Feb. She came back after 3 months with loving words to get back. The real reason was that she just bought a house and seemed to want validation. We broke up again since her actions did not match her words. She came back 3 months later, and the devaluation was HARSH. Words of love and forever, but she was sleeping with another person while she tried to get me to drop everything in my life and come be with her. It still haunts me the things she did...ripping me to the core.

 

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

 

>>MEDIUM RATE: Fights were actually caused because she would say one thing, then if the topic came back up a day or two later, the story was completely different. I would reminder her of what she said then she would blow, deflect or get mad and pout. Rinse repeat. I thought she had temporary boughts of amnesia.

 

7. Low self esteem;

 

>>>QUESTIONABLE: She appeared to present herself as STRONG and independent. Behind closed doors she was always a victim of something, even a victim of me. She wanted to be held, consoled and babied so she felt loved. Nothing was ever enough. Then she would "light switch" and get angry that she thought that I did not think she was strong. Her outward presentation was hard, business like and of course she was in sales. Internal, she was all over the map. Due to affair, gobs and gobs of texting when we could not be together but nothing ever seemed to help.

 

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;

 

>>HIGH RATE: Verbal abuse such as calling me a user, making fun of my clothes, **** yous, your such an idiot. Over simple things like I did not clean her apartment before she got home? I never offered, but it was assumed that I would.

 

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;

 

>>HIGH RATE: ALWAYS. She could never be Alone. She would go crazy if she had to. Tried to even teach her medication, and could not focus and be with herself. Always on phone texting, calling, had to have someone every min of every day.

 

10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

 

>>HIGH RATE (see above)

 

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);

 

>>>HIGH RATE: shopping and online sales gimmicks to get rich quick

 

12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;

 

>>HIGH RATE: We met basically due to her being a victim in her marriage. He was abusive, made her do things she didn't want to do, he was horrible, he never wanted to be with children, he was a raging alcoholic. Plus, all other boyfriends in past were *******s and verbally abused her. I was her savior and protector. We were soulmates and I was her knight in shining armor.

 

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

 

>>HIGH RATE: EVERYTHING AT FIRST

 

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;

>>HIGH RATE: Always wanted me included in her business to help make the right decisions. Even redlining her separation agreement cause she could not concentrate.

 

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

 

>>HIGH RATE: But always ended by her getting mad or RAGING because I treated her like a weak female?

 

16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);

 

>>>HIGH RATE: Friends were just acquaintances, few high school friends, and many many many male friends

 

17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and

 

>>LOW RATE

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

 

>>>HIGH RATE: Always used her own feelings to justify her position. Talked about herself in 3rd person sometimes while talking with me. Use to validate her stance with very questionable sources, but asked for my opinion always but never used it. Always seemed like someone else was better in guidance.

[Confusioncreepsin]

Backstory

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/550821-silent-plea-gf-possibly-cheating

[7121157]

Just something to think about, since I have gone through some of the darkest times lately. In my case, when a breakup happens you are losing not only a relationship, but a friendship. Sometimes the friendship hurts worse than the relationship. I find that to be the case for me.

 

I loved her, would have provided and protected her to the end of time, but she decided to string me along while cheating. After my anger, rage and personal mind movies, I really understood what was eating me the most...losing my best friend. The friend that I call or see when things were going good, bad, etc. The friend that shared many interests, that person I could just sit and talk to at night about anything to any level...never a yawn or boredom.

 

Keep in mind during your pain, that you are a strong person since you handling two relationships being killed at once. They (and you) may find a temporary crutch to supplement, but THEY will never have that deeper emotional connection that you had together. Yes, it will kill you when they move on, but understand that in most cases it is not a continuation of your relationship. It is a crutch. If they can't get that emotional fulfillment from their next supply, they will eventually try to lasso you in as a "friend".

 

My view is straightforward about this, they either accept the entire package of you or can have nothing of you. Why give them the emotional support as a friend while they supplement the physical elsewhere. Nothing but pure heartache. Don't be friends and help THEM...help yourself and offer the entire you to someone else. First, offer yourself to yourself

 

I feel you on this one. I was in the position of being strung along. It actually is losing your love and a best friend at the same time. This is true, dont be friends with your ex. They seek emotional comfort, and yes it makes you feel good... BUT, when youre done talking to them, who is there for you? Got to love yourself. I'm with you on that, its either all or nothing. The person is being too selfish at that point. Let her go...

[Confusioncreepsin]

FYI

 

Unfortunately, or fortunately, I went full bore and followed a scorched earth process. Not a tree of hope to remain.

 

She was cheating (caught) many times, while stringing me along saying I was the only one, wanted to be with me forever, etc. When I caught her red handed no less than 4 times (because I could not believe my own eyes) compared to her WORDS...I basically snapped. Yes, not pretty, but damn felt good.

 

I determined that just saying how I felt to her was not enough, and decided to share her dark side with everyone. She always tried to appear honest, faithful, etc and she broke me. I burned her ass in front of her friends, family and major drama ensued. Later, my actions caused her to encounter ripple effects that were outside my control. She was STILL married (yeah, lied to me) so her separated husband found out she was seeing a felon convicted of murder with his kids being there overnight. He also found out that she bought a house with martial assets and didn't tell him...shew....He attacked and got kids and half the value of the house.

 

So, moral of the story, tell em how you feel and let it all out. Try to stay away from what I did, because there repercussions can quickly get out of control. Yeah it felt great cause I felt she deserved it, PLUS bonus I never have to worry about her coming back (she is BPD) for supply. Just tell them and walk away...never look back and certainly don't start something that will keep the drama full throttle while you are trying to be NC.

[Confusioncreepsin]

My never sent letter to this demon. The pain in this is so deep, even now 3 weeks away in NC. DOWNTOWN, just adding this since some of the elements of you list are within it.

 

 

XXXX,

 

You have to have the following three components. They are a must.

Without one of them, the other two cannot sustain the relationship, so they all need care and nurturing, all the time.

 

Trust

Communication

Respect.

 

Just so you know, which you don’t give a **** anyway, I GAVE YOU MY EVERYTHING. My entire body, soul and mind. I love you more than life…in fact life means little without you in it to share. Yes, you reached out and so did I and met on Friday night. We met and it was sooooo good to see you, smell you and hear your voice of pure beauty. The voice that makes me melt away. The voice I could never get to call me back. The voice that use to tell me that she loved me. That special sound of hearing that you wanted to be with me, no matter where it was or what time it was. As I sat in the parking lot waiting on you, no more than 10 min from your house, I wondered why I could not go to your house. I wondered why that voice could not say to me “i love you” anymore. After you had to leave, I cried that night to god above to answer my one request and show me what the hell was wrong. I knew that you had a problem with a guy that was 20 yrs older that you chasing you (supposedly) since your phone blew up the entire time, but you shared that with me OPENLY and it only concerned me from the perspective of your safety.

 

You never want to revisit the past but you have to understand that your past with me included lying and trickle truth. You covered it up, hid it from me, deleted what was bad and flat out lied to my face until I had to basically show you the proof. Ironically, at the same time, you were very open about the windshield guy asking you out ….hell we even joked about it. At that time, I could not believe you would lie to me with no remorse. You would risk US for some secret squirrel meeting with your “GAY” friend. It wasn’t about him!!! it was that you took the liberty to LIE to me - face to face, your supposed "soulmate". Yes, in the past we have had to maneuver around our situations with white lies in order to be together BUT you elected, you chose to LIE to me in order to HIDE a meeting with another GUY . We vowed never to do that….lie to each other. We swore, both of us, that we would always be there for each other.

 

So while I pumped gas after our meeting in the parking lot on Friday, I ask the heavens to help me understand what was happening. The sky smiled upon me and I received your beautiful text at that moment and knew that things were going to be good. I decided to swing by your house after running a few errands since you were just going to do laundry and try to visit you after the text you sent. I stopped by around 11:00pm and saw a white car was there and decided not to just pop in since it might be a relative or guest. I went home.

 

Saturday night, after our discussion, I asked you to text me in the morning so I could come by….BUT NEVER A TEXT or CALL. NOTHING…no response.

 

Flash to Sunday morning…I sank to the lowest of lows, you put me in a very dark place. Yes, you invited me to a friend’s wedding when we talked on Tuesday. Yes, I wanted to go but could not due to kids schedule. You said you understood. When I came over at 6am, my intent was to come over and be with you until you had to go. I was soooo excited and nervous. I could not wait to hold you in private and to offer you the best life I could going forward. I had flowers, I had a gift to remind you of my promise to you……but there was the same white car? Was it a relative? Was it a car you took home from work? I did not assume anything but told myself to wait for a bit. I left and came back every once in a while…the last time I did, I parked and was getting our of my jeep. I stood near the end of your driveway, watched him leave from inside your house and leave in his white car. I sat there and tried not to assume anything, so I called you. You were still in your PJ’s and just getting ready to go. Then I saw your sister arrive 15 min after the white car left, so I couldn’t come up to your house then. You said it was the lawn guy…asking about leaves…..from 6am -ish to 10am. A LAWN GUY ON SUNDAY MORNING IN YOUR HOUSE FROM 6am - 10am. Yes, I was hurt, sad, upset but I asked you to tell me about this person. You said it was the lawn guy….and I should have RANG THE BELL.. Fine. Again, it’s not about the guy, but the premise that he could be there and I could not? A lawn guy (supposedly a worker) gets to spend time with you, be invited into your home and I don’t get to have that.

 

Over the next day I asked you, tried to reason with you then BEGGED YOU to tell me who it was or why I could not have been invited over. If there was no other man or situation going on in your life, then what is the big deal? Why can’t you tell me his company? Why couldn’t you tell me his name or just let me meet him??? If there was nothing and it/he was not an issue, then I NEEDED YOU to be OPEN and just tell me. Why? Because when you are OPEN your are HONEST. When details are hidden or you are silent when I ask, you are being DISHONEST. I get NOTHING from you. You DON’T EVEN CARE THAT YOUR SILENCE WAS HURTING ME. IF YOU CARED, you would have at least done something, no matter how small the effort, you would have wanted me NOT TO HURT. I GET NOTHING!!!!!! except the pain in my heart.

 

Flash to Tuesday night, I have a meeting over near your work and texted you, called you to see if you would like to take a late lunch or if you were there so I could stop by. No response. I tried to call again, left voicemail. No response. Nothing ALL ****ING DAY. I get home, and my stomach starts to hurt REALLY REALLY BAD. The same feeling I use to get when you were in the old house with husband alone. I decide to silence it by coming to see you again, picking a time where I knew your kids would be asleep. I drive up at 11:30pm and there is the SAME WHITE CAR and YOUR CAR. I decide to pull up and RING YOUR ****ING DOORBELL. I RANG IT THREE TIMES. I SAT IN THE DRIVEWAY SHAKING and CALLED YOU REPEATEDLY. I sat there for at least 10 min. YOU DID NOT ANSWER THE PHONE OR THE DOOR. All the lights were off in the house. I leave THEN you decide to text me to say you are doing a car deal???and talking about your cousin being there too. You said the guy that works with your cousin and EVEN YOU COUSIN is there!!!! BUT NOBODY ANSWERS THE DOOR???? AT 11:30pm at night??? You can’t even pick up the phone to talk to me when I called like 5 times? I did what you asked of me on SUNDAY….I came by and RANG THE DOORBELL this night. YOU COULD HAVE THIS GUY OVER AT 11:30 AT NIGHT, LIGHTS OFF, “doing a truck deal”, could not text me, call me, ZERO CONTACT….but yet can text me when you thought I left???? Most deals I know about require lights and functioning people that can walk or answer a ****ing door. I’m not stupid even though you believe I am an IDIOT (your word)

 

STILL, to this moment, you will not be truthful with me….OR…you will not even make an offer to talk about this openly and try for US. You just want to call me names, blame me for assuming things, ignore my attempts at talking or trying to discuss things. If there is nothing going on, then me asking to meet the guy or have you introduce me to him is being insecure???? I WILL ANSWER….NO!!! It’s called having respect for me, US and you WANTING and HELPING US TO KEEP US TOGETHER. The ONLY TIME I get defensive is when you are not honest or hide ****, no matter if it was a woman, man or animal. YOU HIDE BEHIND TRUST…Nothing can ever be questioned unless I don’t trust you. YOU LIED To me about your "gay friend" and swore you would never hide **** again. You promised we would be open, honest and share. YOU HAVE OFFERED NOTHING TO MAKE THIS BETTER. NOTHING AT ALL!!!!!! I wrongly halfway expected that you would want to meet, discuss to EASILY PUT THIS ISSUE TO REST by offering me the opportunity to meet him, or both of you or at least communicate about your current lifestyle so I would know what NORMAL is about guests coming over at ODD times, that you would want to reassure me that what my eyes have seen and my ears have heard was mistaken. BUT INSTEAD, you project and make your issues mine calling me defensive, insecure and that I don’t trust you. I did not stop trusting you, you are stopping me from trusting you.

 

The problem is that IF YOU BELIEVED IN ME, I wouldn’t have to prove that you can trust me with whatever comes our way. The REAL reason we will never be able to be together (as you put it) is that you can’t be OPEN and HONEST with me. It’s IRONIC that you could share everything with me so freely when you were in at your old house, even when you knew it was going to hurt me deeply, but now you are not forthright and hide things which HURTS WORSE THAN ANY PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT. You have been distracted and not involved in US, either due to someone else you are involved with or other matters that you have not discussed with me. Either way, all you have to do is COMMUNICATE with me and we can work out the best thing for US. A relationship takes two people working together to overcome obstacles…I am and have been here waiting at the halfway mark for the other side to show up!!!!!!!! Where is that other side?????

[Confusioncreepsin]

WHAT I FOUND OUT......

 

 

Very quick read....

 

Ex gf (mother of 2 small kids) and I broke up some time ago. During the stage of breaking, she was seeing someone else that was spending night, etc. Basically cheating on me with this dude, but it is over with us now. Back during the breaking, I was inclined to find out more about this guy since I was mad, hurt etc. Turns out he is a recent 2013 felon that served for homicide/murder and attempted burglary. I loved the kids (3 & 5) to death, but I am really concerned about this guy being there at night with them. I know the ex dad informally. Should I tell him what I know ONLY for the safety of the kids, or butt out and stay out. I don't want anything to do with her, but she obviously has a bad picker and truly scared for the kids..

 

SHE "AFFAIRED DOWN". She is still married "separated more than a year" but the blow to the ego was going for this bottom feeder and love bombing him and watching her mirror his interests. She almost strategically did this to make me devalue my self knowing I would compare myself to him. How would you like knowing that this beautiful woman, capable of extreme love bombing and mirroring, thought that her 27 yr felon of murder was a much better selection than you? EGO crushed

[Downtown]

Confusion, your earlier posts above (e.g., your very first post on Oct 1) describe a 2-year relationship where "things were great until 6 months ago." For 18 months you apparently saw no signs of emotional instability, which is the key hallmark for having strong BPD traits. That is, you report having a great time for a year and a half and mention nothing about her flipping back and forth between adoration and devaluation -- as an unstable person would do.

 

Similarly, you did not describe any behavior indicating that your exGF has a great fear of abandonment -- which is another other key hallmark of BPD. But you describe many instances in which she exhibited warning signs for narcissism (e.g., the frequent lying, consistent lack of empathy, and cheating).

 

Moreover, your Oct 3 post describes her as exhibiting the characteristics and "mindset of a narcissist /sociopath." This is significant because narcissists and sociopaths are emotionally stable and unable to love. In contrast, BPDers are the opposite: unstable and able to love (albeit in a very immature fashion). Hence, your earlier posts seem to point to red flags for narcissism and perhaps sociopathic traits as well.

 

I therefore am surprised to see that your post today (#4 above) describes your exGF as exhibiting the vast majority of the 18 BPD Warning Signs I listed. Importantly, I am not saying that your descriptions above are inaccurate. Rather, I'm only saying that your perception of her behaviors seems to changed over the past six weeks.

 

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- LOW RATE/HIGH RATE: She was low in this action during the first 2 years, but I broke up with her in Feb. She came back after 3 months with loving words to get back. The real reason was that she just bought a house and seemed to want validation.

If your exGF really is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), it is hard to believe she successfully hid her emotional instability from you for two years. Granted, it is possible. Anything is possible. A more likely explanation, however, is that you are describing a stable woman exhibiting narcissistic behavior -- who used you for two years and then, when she no longer valued your opinion, looked for another man to "validate" her false self image of always being "nearly perfect."

 

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later -- MEDIUM RATE: Fights were actually caused because she would say one thing, then if the topic came back up a day or two later, the story was completely different. I would remind her of what she said then she would blow, deflect or get mad and pout.

This behavior is a red flag for narcissistic traits. People having strong NPD traits typically start fights and exhibit anger whenever you disagree with them, i.e., whenever you stop validating their false self image of being "nearly perfect."

 

Granted, it is common for BPDers to exhibit the behavior you describe here -- i.e., denying they said something only a few days after having said it. With BPDers, however, the reason for this "rewriting of history" is not that you have caught them in a lie. The narcissists are the ones who quickly resort to lies when convenient and they sometimes get caught. In contrast, BPDers usually are not lying but, rather, are sincerely convinced they never said what you claim they said. The reason is that, being unable to regulate their emotions, they experience such intense feelings that their perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations is distorted. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought distortion."

 

More important, if your exGF were a BPDer, you would have seen her starting fights for a wide variety of reasons, e.g., to push you away when she feels engulfed by intimacy, to abandon you before you have a chance to do it to her, and to express her anger over perceived injustices. Because a BPDer's perception of your motivations is frequently distorted, she likely will start fights frequently when misperceiving slights and insults that actually never occurred. Hence, if she were a BPDer, it seems unlikely that the fights would usually start because you "would remind her of what she said" -- thus catching her in a lie.

 

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- HIGH RATE: ALWAYS. She could never be Alone. She would go crazy if she had to.

Well, you certainly have nailed the "hating to be alone," which is a BPDer trait. But it also is a narcissistic trait because narcissists have a strong need to have people around continually to provide "narcissistic supply," i.e., to keep validating their false self image of being nearly perfect.

 

At issue, then, is whether you actually witnessed a strong fear of abandonment -- which is a key trait for BPD but not for narcissism. On this issue, you have very little to say. Specifically, you do recall her exhibiting "irrational jealousy with my wife and kids." Yet, if she really does have a strong fear of abandonment, you should have seen many other signs -- e.g., being furious when you would glance at another woman for a full second instead of a half second, and exhibiting irrational jealousy when you talked with other women or watched attractive women in a movie. In addition, she would be administering $h!t tests every week or so to test whether your loyalty and devotion would hold up under stress.

 

10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune -- HIGH RATE .

Whereas a BPDer seeks frequent validation of always being "The Victim," an NPDer seeks frequent validation of always being nearly perfect. At issue here, then, is whether her frequent blaming of you was to establish her role as the "Victim" -- as a BPDer would do -- or, rather, to establish her role of being "nearly perfect," as an NPDer would do. If her objective is to be the victim, this trait is a red flag for BPD.

 

17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people -- LOW RATE.

If she really does have strong BPD traits, you likely are mistaken about this one. Because BPDers have little sense of who they are, they tend to emulate the person who is important in their life at the moment. This is not done to be manipulative but, rather, to be loved and accepted. Having a weak sense of self identity, a BPDer looks for a partner who will supply that missing identity.

 

Moreover, a wide variety of different personality types will suffice as long as they have a strong self identity. This is why it is so common, after the BPDer relationship ends, for the abused ex-partner to complain that the BPDer is dating someone who bears no resemblance whatsoever to him. Ex-partners find it painful to realize that, after the BPDer had extolled their virtues for years and claimed to be soulmates, she is now sleeping with a man having NONE of those virtues. It is common, for example, for a business executive or college professor to be shocked that his "soulmate" BPDer is now riding around the country on a Harley with a biker dude.

 

SHE "AFFAIRED DOWN".... the blow to the ego was going for this bottom feeder and love bombing him and watching her mirror his interests. She almost strategically did this to make me devalue my self knowing I would compare myself to him.

No, if she is a BPDer as you suspect, it is highly unlikely she picked him to devalue you. Instead, she searched for a man having a strong self identity and he was the first to come along. Although a BPDer is capable of loving you, she will do it in the same immature fashion that young children do. This means, among other things, that she is more in love with the "relationship" (that supplies her missing identity) than she is with your unique characteristics as an individual.

 

That said, I nonetheless see why you are so upset, Confusion. It would have been bad enough to see yourself replaced by the Harley biker. Being replaced by a convicted murderer/ex-felon must feel even worse.

[Confusioncreepsin]

Thank you very much!!!! This is by far greater than I could have ever imagined. You insight again has raised the bar for me in my healing process.

 

Even though I may have summarized a great deal to provide a high level understanding, there were traits of this during the first year, but I was in a fog due to the lovebombing and mirroring she provided. She included herself in everything I was doing. I thought it was beyond wonderful, but now I see what she was doing.

 

I have one question which may sound off color, but I hope you can shed some light on it. What causes them the most pain in terms of my behavior now? Will no contact even phase her? Will regaining my identity drive her crazy? What can I do or not do to reduce her recycling me again?

 

I have been no contact since Oct 25. Yes she is still with the murderer, but her normal time back is 3 months. I don't want to be triangulated against a convicted con.

 

Lastly, I need to get this shred of hope out if my head that she will return so I can regain control and ignore her. I feel that I'm missing the ego boost more than I ever did the relationship.

 

Thank you so much.

[Confusioncreepsin]

Please see above DownTown...just curious about the reverse dynamics of what those type of people feel when a break occurs. Are they cold and with no feelings, memories, etc? Do they recycle based on feelings or just knowing that a worn shoe fits well and takes less energy than a new source.

 

Thank you

[Downtown]

What causes them the most pain in terms of my behavior now? Will no contact even phase her? Will regaining my identity drive her crazy? What can I do or not do to reduce her recycling me again?

Confusion, if you're asking what you can do to hasten the process of her losing interest in you -- so she will leave you alone -- the best approach is to remain steadfastly NC. Yet, if you cannot avoid encountering her at work or school, the most useful approach is to behave in a very very BORING way and minimize contact to the extent possible. For additional tips, I recommend two BPDfamily articles: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10). While you are at the BPDfamily forum, I suggest you take a look at the "Leaving" board.

 

As to your concern that she will "recycle" you again, keep in mind that she has no power over you. At this point, she is not your problem. Rather, your problem is your strong desire to find a woman who so desperately needs you that she will place you on a pedestal and worship you as her "rescuer."

 

Of course, you know all too well that this "knight on a white horse" treatment will end when her infatuation evaporates and her fears return. But, until that happens, the relationship will be so ecstatic and passionate that it has an addictive quality which is hard to resist. I've been there and done that, so I understand how tempting it is. I mention this only to underscore the importance of realizing your exGF is not the problem. You are. Until you learn how to be satisfied with an emotionally available woman, you will be at great risk of taking back your exGF or jumping into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

Just curious about the reverse dynamics of what those type of people feel when a break occurs. Are they cold and with no feelings, memories, etc? Do they recycle based on feelings or just knowing that a worn shoe fits well and takes less energy than a new source.

If your exGF is a BPDer as you seem to suspect, she has the same set of feelings that the rest of us have. Yet, because she is too immature to handle strong conflicting feelings, she is conscious of one set of feelings at a time. She accomplishes this, at a subconscious level, by temporarily placing the conflicting feeling out of reach of her conscious mind.

 

This is why a BPDer will split the ex-partner black and view him as Hitler incarnate. And this is why a BPDer typically will show little sign of missing the ex-partner immediately following the breakup. The chances are very good, however, that a BPDer eventually will be back in touch with those loving feelings after her anger has died down. If that happens, she would start splitting him white again. Hence, to avoid being caught up in this recurring cycle, it is important you remain NC.

[Confusioncreepsin]

Words of wisdom. Thank you so very much!! Curious why they tend to "affair down". Is it because the targets are easier?

Edited November 19, 2015 by Confusioncreepsin

[Confusioncreepsin]

DownTown

 

Curious why they tend to "affair down". Is it because the targets are easier?

[Downtown]

Curious why they tend to "affair down". Is it because the targets are easier?

Just because you have a low opinion of her new partner does not mean she went out looking for someone having less to offer. Like other people, BPDers seek out partners who best meet their needs. Hence, if she somehow did manage to "affair down," I doubt it was intentional. Indeed, if she is a BPDer as you suppose, she tends to idealize partners at the beginning, making it very difficult for her to see him objectively. While this is true for all of us, it is far more a problem for BPDers.

[SoThatHappened]

BPDers seek out partners who best meet their needs.

Yep. Right there. My ex with BPD traits was an opportunist.

 

I didn't live near where she worked. I was an hour away.

 

Guess what? She found the coworker who she could shack up with and have a quick drive to work. The dude is no winner. 12 years her senior, divorced, two kids much older than her daughter. Overweight. Riding daddy's coattails.

 

He best meet her "needs."

 

Don't beat yourself up. Be thankful you got out when you did.

[Confusioncreepsin]

Agreed. I *was* just hard to cope when it was fresh. I had low self esteem due to all the lies then BAM...here is this dude that was a 27 yr felon for murder and he was all of sudden much much better than me. I don't know what this guy can offer, probably mutual mooching but anyway, I know now that I can't compare myself to him any longer.

[Protec]

It's the 'sharing' that I miss the most. Sharing of thoughts, every thought, everything thoughtful and everything stupid; that urge to want to engage in a conversation that moved with such natural fluidity. I didn't think--I just expressed and I just experienced that sharing of expressions.

 

 

This is what i miss too. Of course i miss the closeness of other human being. What what i miss most is the talking...sharing thoughts, doing things together etc. We talked for hours sometimes. And the conversation was always natural.

That's what i miss .