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My new girl friend is still talking to an old lover..

dandyrandy

By dandyrandy
in General Relationship Discussion

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dandyrandy Established Member

dandyrandy

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I need some advice on something. I have a new girl friend of about one month. Recently I saw her text messages and she started talking to one of her old lovers again. I think she has not let this guy go. She has talked to me about him before and said they used to be lovers until the guy decided to get married. They had to break off there ties but they are still friends. I am thinking the worst now because the guy is trying to see her at the cafe she works at. I know guys like this always have the worst intentions. I know this is bad. I am pretty sure this guy would try to cheat on his wife with my girl friend. My question is how do I go about this?? Should I tell her straight up that I saw her private messages and she should not do this or should I be subtle??

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I'd be straight with her. You only have a few weeks into this. There is no need to invest more if she's still hung up on somebody else.

 

 

For her to meet with a married former lover is just a bad choice & shows poor boundaries IMO

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Should I tell her straight up that I saw her private messages and she should not do this or should I be subtle??

Is she an adult or a child? I am sure she is perfectly capable of knowing whether she wants to meet up with him or not. You can't tell her she shouldn't do something that she wants to do. She is an adult and makes her own decisions.

 

However, actions have consequences. Personally if I found out my gf of one month was meeting up with an ex lover then I would not see her again.

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dandyrandy Established Member

dandyrandy

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My only problem is how she will feel about me looking through her phone... I dont think that will go very well. Any advice on that?

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dandyrandy Established Member

dandyrandy

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Also we have a pretty open relationship right now and there is no rules established yet. With that being said she is also super understanding and I think very willing to listen to me about something that is bothering me. She would not do something that she knows is bothering me or I would not like.

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dandyrandy Established Member

dandyrandy

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I'd be straight with her. You only have a few weeks into this. There is no need to invest more if she's still hung up on somebody else.

 

 

For her to meet with a married former lover is just a bad choice & shows poor boundaries IMO

 

Thanks for the info! I also found out more about this guy. He is just recently married and I found the guy on a website for men trying to cheat on there wives. You think I should inform his wife of this?? She is on my facebook as one of my friends.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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How come your one-month-gf's ex's wife is your facebook friend?

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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You can never be sure whether there is attempted cheating going on in situations like this or not. I speak from experience because I am one who stays in contact at least to some degree with ex bfs from even decades ago and there's no cheating going on. We are able to be friends.

 

Nonetheless, since this situation, I presume, is fresh, like within the last year, she's probably not moved on and you probably should just keep dating other people as well. But if this is from 5 years ago, it very well may be nothing -- unless you're seeing sexy texts.

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dandyrandy Established Member

dandyrandy

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You can never be sure whether there is attempted cheating going on in situations like this or not. I speak from experience because I am one who stays in contact at least to some degree with ex bfs from even decades ago and there's no cheating going on. We are able to be friends.

 

Nonetheless, since this situation, I presume, is fresh, like within the last year, she's probably not moved on and you probably should just keep dating other people as well. But if this is from 5 years ago, it very well may be nothing -- unless you're seeing sexy texts.

 

I dont see any sexy text. Just how she remembers him being a great guy. She used to see this guy about a year ago and they broke it off because he got married. Now the guy is trying to see her again. Given the background of this guy being on a wife cheaters website and how they used to have a fling before this does not look good for me.

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dandyrandy Established Member

dandyrandy

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I dont see any sexy text. Just how she remembers him being a great guy. She used to see this guy about a year ago and they broke it off because he got married. Now the guy is trying to see her again. Given the background of this guy being on a wife cheaters website and how they used to have a fling before this does not look good for me.

 

 

I also see what your saying. I think most women stay in some kind of contact with there past lovers in some way or form. Its mostly in reality not just a friend relationship but a way to keep them as possible options again for them though most women wont admit it. I think most women do this and men too even the married ones. I have to add though it is one thing to occasionally drop a line and check in with your supposed friend its another thing entirely to actually meet them and hang out with them.

SpiralOut Established Member

SpiralOut

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I don't know what you mean when you say they broke it off "because he got married." Does this mean that she was seeing him while he was engaged? While he was in a relationship with someone else? Nobody is single one day then suddenly becomes married the next.

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dandyrandy Established Member

dandyrandy

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I don't know what you mean when you say they broke it off "because he got married." Does this mean that she was seeing him while he was engaged? While he was in a relationship with someone else? Nobody is single one day then suddenly becomes married the next.

 

Yes! He was seeing my gf before I met her and he never told my gf about the engagement with this girl he married until he married the girl. Than he told her he cant see her because he got married. She was like wtf?? Now he is trying to see her again. Should I tell his wife about his scum bag ways?? What should I do??

casey.lives Established Member

casey.lives

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Ex lovers have history and it's a stronger bond than yours... there's nothing to work with.. it's a losing road for you. The relationship has already been devalued by her... I'd stop talking with this person period. People who really want to move on.. don't bring this confusion with them.

almond Established Member

almond

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Four weeks in and you're already violating her privacy and snooping through her texts?

 

 

If a guy pulled that crap on me only a few weeks in, I'd kick him to the curb before he even knew what hit him.

 

 

You say your relationship is still open, and that there are no established rules. Why on Earth were you snooping through her stuff? You need to sort that insecurity out asap - it's creepy and very off-putting.

SpiralOut Established Member

SpiralOut

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Yes! He was seeing my gf before I met her and he never told my gf about the engagement with this girl he married until he married the girl. Than he told her he cant see her because he got married. She was like wtf?? Now he is trying to see her again. Should I tell his wife about his scum bag ways?? What should I do??

 

I don't think you should get involved. Its up to your gf to handle it.

dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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Here is an idea, if you really think this girlfriend of one month is someone you could really get serious about soon, why not tell her you could see things getting more serious, but you have some expectations of what a serious relationship means to you. This could include "Seeing or communicating with ex's, behind my back or without me involved".

 

If your not serious yet with this GF - then its none of your business.

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ASG Established Member

ASG

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I know I'm in the minority, but I don't necessarily have any objections with keeping in touch with exes. I do it as well, to some degree. I know other people who do as well.

 

But I do agree HE might be trying to rekindle their fling. However, she might be interested only in actual friendship. In any case, if you are not comfortable with it you should talk to her.

 

Why you would be looking through her phone though... that is another issue completely...

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oregon0011 Established Member

oregon0011

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Yes! He was seeing my gf before I met her and he never told my gf about the engagement with this girl he married until he married the girl. Than he told her he cant see her because he got married. She was like wtf?? Now he is trying to see her again. Should I tell his wife about his scum bag ways?? What should I do??

 

Lol. Maaaan. Settle down.

 

How are you even finding all of this out? Must be spending way too much time on this girl you just met.

loverage21 Established Member

loverage21

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Let me guess, this is a guy she loved in her teen years or is her first love

phineas Established Member

phineas

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This is why I don't get serious with women who still talk to men that had their penis inside them.

However, almost every woman I know thinks it's ok to talk to guys they have a past with while dating someone.

 

Strangely though, I have yet to meet a woman with self respect that would tolerate a man they were dating to do the same thing.

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