theabsurd Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 [title is misleading. It should be: 2 months post breakup with low-to-no contact] Hello. It's my first time here. Last September my girlfriend broke up with me. The day before we met up to discuss problems in our relationship. I wanted to talk with her, because she started being sarcastic the 2 days or so before. Weeks before she was being more silent and less lively than usual. We had a very difficult month behind us, as we were looking for a flat to move together, I had exams, she finished school and was mentally preparing herself for university. We had a couple of differences, but no fights per se. It was a very harmonic, calm relationship of 2,5 years. It was the first relationship for the both of us. I met her when I was 23 and she 16. We were very much in love. I'd even say she loved me more for long phases. Well, as I sensed that she wasn't used to the stress and unhappy, I tried to talk things out with her. We already had a small break up the month before for only 3 days. I gave her her stuff and invited her out of my flat the day after she didn't accept my engagement proposal. I think the proposal has been made too early, but she dropped many hints and so on - let's just cut it short. it was a mistake. I threw her out and said i had to think. When I called her 3 days later I realized she basically dumped me in my absence. The next day we met up and I did what an unexperienced man in love would do: I begged. I got her back and we fell right back into routine, mostly because I was having exams and had not much time for her. There were a couple of symptoms we discussed, but i felt we didn't get at the core of the issues. She slept over at my place and we even had sex, so I felt I might have defused a bomb and we might start to work on the relationship and repair what we had. Considering we had no fights before (except a small one last winter that involved her crying because i didn't call her for a while -> again because of my exams (why didn't she call me, though? if she wanted to talk to me?)), I thought that our relationship was rather good. In fact I was happy overall. Unfortunately she didn't feel this way. The next day We watched a movie and took a walk. During that walk she said "Don't we just want to break up?". I didn't expect it. I think I remained as calm as I could. Said "Why would I want to break up with you? I love you! What is wrong?". She wanted space and be single again. I offered her space without a breakup (I'm naive); but she said she wouldn't come back. She said she won't destroy our pictures (after the micro-breakup before she told me that she contemplated to destroy the pictures; which I didn't take well). We parted ways on a bridge. Quite dramatic. But I didn't say much. I initiated NC immediately. However only for 2 weeks. That was the day when she had her university introduction day. I saw her there and we spoke a bit. She told me she was happy and that I should find closure and a new girl. That it was over. She said she didn't love me. Then she said that she wants to go back to the lecture hall and meet new people, to which I replied that I wanted to speak some things out, so I might get my closure. "Okay 5 minutes." To which I said that I deserved more than 5 minutes after 2,5 years of relationship and went home. For some comedic relief I admit that I only walked some 30 metres before returning for my 5 minutes :') However she was already gone. I kept NC for 4 weeks. I spent the time finding new friends, removing our stuff in a box, went on 2 dates, reconnected with my family and got involved with a philosophy journal publisher (I'm a philosophy graduate, now studying computer science). I also started playing the guitar. My timetable is packed, I had little time to think. I then tried to text her casually, but it went rather bad. She said the "boys" in her class were cute and that she was having fun. Now I think you don't say that to your freshly baked ex, so I assume she wants to make me jealous; maybe as a defensive reaction to my sudden spike of facebook activity. I tell myself: if she says painful things on purpose, perhaps she isn't indifferent to me. And indifference is the true enemy. I talked a bit about some people I met and an electrotechnology project on which I tinker, but then she said she was drunk. At that point I said "alright" and just stopped texting. What's the point, right? All new contacts on her facebook are female. I have additional reasonable doubt to believe she already has a new guy. She'd rub it under my nose if she had. This was 2 weeks ago. I deleted her from facebook a week ago, for no particular reason. Total time passed since breakup: 8. During that time I analyzed the whole thing in-depth. I think the fundamental error was that I began to love her more than she loved me and while I was never the clingy type, the power certainly shifted to her in the last ~3 months. While there were many actions I did that I regret, the fundamentally wrong one was my proposal to her. I think I can attract her again if I present myself to be more dominant again. I somehow always felt that she needed that. I still love her, although I got a stoic slant in my thinking and more-or-less accepted my fate. However I'm not willing to give her up. Hypothetic assumption: I want her back Question: through which method? What should I do? Only 3 months before the breakup we were the cutest couple having a great holiday. We were with friends who commented lately how surprised they were when we broke up, because we seemed so close. From my perspective I see 2 options: try casual texting again and move from there; or wait half a year or whatever it takes for her to call me, or if she doesn't, to meet her "by accident" in a couple of months to catch up. Incidentally I know of an event where she'll be in May. I'd really appreciate help and/or input. "Let her go, find a new girlfriend." Sure, this would be the easy way. Indeed I have another date tomorrow. But I rationally deem her to be just right for me. And I love her. It's a powerful emotion and not something one can simply ignore.
Simon Phoenix Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 There's no such thing as semi-No Contact. Either you are in No Contact or you aren't.
Shock148 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Didnt even bother to read the post. You want her back because you never went NC and are not over her. There is no such thing as a semi NC. You cannot talk to a person for a week and then talk to the person just to go back to another week and then another conversation. Try FULL NC for 2 months to heal.
dumbass2 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 "Let her go, find a new girlfriend." Yep, this is #1. You both are young and her especially. You've tried a few times and it just doesn't work. You both should go out and explore and see what's out there. If you're meant to be together and bump into each other down the road, then so be it.
Erik30 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 She's still young and doesn't want to settle down with anyone right now. You're' probably right in thinking that your proposal scared her off. She's not even 20 and you were ready to get married. Yeah it was a mistake but it doesn't really matter because people change their mind at her age all the time. I think at this point she just wants to have fun with her new life being single in college, dating different guys. Already been said, but you should do no contact for a longer period to get over her. She has to be completely out of your life, almost like she never existed. There is nothing you can do to get her back. There is no method. Maybe she'll come back one day, but anything you'll try will just push her away even more.
PegNosePete Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 "Let her go, find a new girlfriend." Yes, but you need to let her go properly first. Proper NC will help you with that. There's no such thing a semi NC. That is simply, not NC.
Author theabsurd Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 She's still young and doesn't want to settle down with anyone right now. You're' probably right in thinking that your proposal scared her off. She's not even 20 and you were ready to get married. Yeah it was a mistake but it doesn't really matter because people change their mind at her age all the time. I think at this point she just wants to have fun with her new life being single in college, dating different guys. Already been said, but you should do no contact for a longer period to get over her. She has to be completely out of your life, almost like she never existed. There is nothing you can do to get her back. There is no method. Maybe she'll come back one day, but anything you'll try will just push her away even more. Well, with the aim to get her back it's difficult to do. I know of an event where she'll be in May. If she didn't contact me, should I go there and say "hi" when i see her and try to initiate some talk? I think there's communication involved in getting back together. I agree that it is too early now, but is it inherently hopeless for the dumpee to initiate contact, given i actually went a full 30 day NC?
dumbass2 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 "She told me she was happy and that I should find closure and a new girl. That it was over. She said she didn't love me." When a woman tells you this, believe her. You are grasping at straws. Her actions back up her words and she's not leading you on in any way. You are looking for for any signs that you can use to hold out hope with. You are trying to think for her and tell yourself that this is what this means and this is what that means. YOU are the one trying to give you hope, she is doing nothing. Yeah, keep solid NC until May. No social media. No "accidentally" bumping into her to say hi. No snooping around the internet. Nothing.
didithappen Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Hey OP I'm sorry for your loss. Take a second and try to put yourself in her shoes though. She's just getting into college and doesn't want to be tied down by someone who isn't around her or in school with her. The painful thing to hear is that she will have a lot of opportunities in college and probably wanted to be single for those options and to make new friends. Unfortunately in your case I think it's over. The best thing to do is start a real no contact so you can move on. I'm not trying to sound harsh, but I get where she is coming from. Also no contact is hard. My ex gf of over 2 years broke up with me over two months ago. I broke no contact several times....and even today sent her a fb friend request (I unfriended her) but deleted it after I came to my senses. It won't help me move on and talking to her won't help you move on. This isn't an easy process, trust me. But it will work it's way through your system in time.
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