Was i flirting?!

[love1336x]

Here the background with me and my girl. Quick back story. I cheated. She took me back, reluctantly. She looks into my phone, Facebook, journals, every now and then. We live together. I have not cheated on her since. I have not talked to my ex. I have not done anything with any man. But hear my tale.

 

It was about four o'clock in the morning. My younger brother was having a party, I wasn't sleepy. I got going to text the kid who was the party. (I've known him since he was around 12 years old. He's 21 now.) Apparently, this was cheating according to my beloved. I ask him what college he went too, and did he party often? He said he didn't party much since he was a commuter, but asked me, "Why do you want to a party? I can take you to one. Do you want to come??"

 

I pronounced, "No, I am too old, and busy with school."

 

Then we talked some more, and he was like, "remember when I used to flirt with you when i was younger?" I stated, "OOOO yeah"

"I am getting sleepy Good night"

 

I deleted this conversation. I always deleted everything I hate struggling with her. I hate how she slices and dice everything I say and act. And delivering a chat with this dude at four in the morning didn't make me look so great. All the same, she did ask about it today, and I texted him to screenshot the conversation and I showed it to her. She's all ANGRY AS HELL AT ME.

 

I don't want her breaking up with me, however I don't feel I did anything wrong to her. How do I fixed this?! Was I flirting? Should i have said more? was I being too selfish? it was harmless chat. Nothing was going to happened or ever!!!!

Edited November 5, 2015 by love1336x

[MidwestUSA]

It's not like you texted another woman!

 

While I agree she has you walking on eggshells, I'll take a guess that your prior cheating is the reason for her heightened suspicion.

 

You guys need to hash this out, it's gone on too long.

[love1336x]

It's not like you texted another woman!

 

While I agree she has you walking on eggshells, I'll take a guess that your prior cheating is the reason for her heightened suspicion.

 

You guys need to hash this out, it's gone on too long.

 

Thank you.

I'm Bisexual BTW.

[BetrayedH]

Deleting a 4am text with some dude that was asking you to party and clearly flirting with you was a bad idea. You cheated on this girl and she has perfectly reasonable questions about trusting you. She's given you another chance (which is far more than she owes you). The least you could do is embrace transparency and see it as a gift and a chance to prove yourself.

 

Instead, you're doing the opposite and deleting sketchy texts. What message do you think that sends her? Is that respecful of the second chance she's offered you?

 

It sounds like you don't appreciate the second chance you've been given. The consequences of your cheating are that you have to rebuild trust. Quit seeing it as a hassle. You're pouring gasoline on the fires left from the nuke you dropped on your relationship. And then you're looking at her saying, "What's the problem?"

 

She didn't ask to be paranoid about you. You created that scenario. So take the opportunity she's given you to fix it.

 

My $.02

[jen1447]

It's not like you texted another woman!

 

While I agree she has you walking on eggshells, I'll take a guess that your prior cheating is the reason for her heightened suspicion.

 

You guys need to hash this out, it's gone on too long.

 

Yes, t's your history. When you cheat, you bscly give up the presumption of innocence for a very long time, maybe forever. If you don't like that it's understandable, but you can't really blame her for being suspicious. You have a track record that speaks for itself.

 

If it makes you really unhappy ultimately, you might want to re-evaluate the relationship.

[love1336x]

Yes, t's your history. When you cheat, you bscly give up the presumption of innocence for a very long time, maybe forever. If you don't like that it's understandable, but you can't really blame her for being suspicious. You have a track record that speaks for itself.

 

If it makes you really unhappy ultimately, you might want to re-evaluate the relationship.

 

It doesnt make me unhappy.

When I'm guilty! Sure. Beat me down and throw away the key.

When I'm innocent tho to a certain degree because I understand deleting and hiding is a BIG RED SIGN. Don't try to make it more than what it is.

She's trying to become best friend with an ex again. I haven't said anything to her about it. I am not jumping and assuming crap. And her and this ex had long passionate history together.

If she can talk to an ex that took her almost two years to get over, I can talk to some kid who I don't have any feelings for! When I was simply bored because I couldn't sleep.

[BetrayedH]

It doesnt make me unhappy.

When I'm guilty! Sure. Beat me down and throw away the key.

When I'm innocent tho to a certain degree because I understand deleting and hiding is a BIG RED SIGN. Don't try to make it more than what it is.

She's trying to become best friend with an ex again. I haven't said anything to her about it. I am not jumping and assuming crap. And her and this ex had long passionate history together.

If she can talk to an ex that took her almost two years to get over, I can talk to some kid who I don't have any feelings for! When I was simply bored because I couldn't sleep.

 

"Innocent to a certain extent" doesn't pass the smell test. Personally, I think you should wholeheartedly apologize for deleting the text, express your complete understanding as to why she would be upset over it, and still maintain that the interaction itself was innocent. The fact is that the guy tried to get somewhere, got nowhere, and you ended the conversation. What you did wrong here was in the deletion of it. Instead, your best bet would have been to proactively share it with her. "I was bored last night and texting with a guy I used to know. He got flirty and I ended the conversation. But I want you to know that I shut it down and won't ever hide this kind of stuff from you. We're a team." That could have completely diffused the situation and built trust.

 

As for her reengaging with an old boyfriend, you should separately establish that as an unacceptable boundary to cross. Neither of you should have close relationships with people of the opposite sex, particularly exes. For you, that means clearly defined "friendship" boundaries with people of both sexes. But don't make it a comparison or competition with her. She owns her crap and you own yours. Poor behavior on your part does not justify or cause poor behavior on her part. And the same goes with you.

 

I'd suggest reading the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass to get a better understanding of appropriate boundaries. And I'd ask her to read it, too. Then you proceed to come to agreements as a team, rather than trying to one-up each other.

[angel.eyes]

A good rule of thumb: if you feel compelled to hide what you're doing from your partner, then it's flirting/wrong.

 

Your relationship sounds incredibly unhealthy. I haven't read all the posts in the thread or your back story, so apologies if this has already been addressed. You're going to get more and more resentful of what you perceive as her restrictive and "unreasonable" suspiciousness. You're both making each other unhappy.

 

Break up and start fresh with someone else. Stop peeling the Band-aid off one hair at a time. Accept the inevitable, and get it over with.

[MidwestUSA]

Thank you.

I'm Bisexual BTW.

 

I know. I had somehow assumed that, as of late, you were more into women. That's why a text to a guy wouldn't concern me as much. Did you date men just before getting with your current? Is her ex a guy or a girl?

[jen1447]

If she can talk to an ex that took her almost two years to get over, I can talk to some kid who I don't have any feelings for! When I was simply bored because I couldn't sleep.

 

Actually no, you can't.

 

The 'rules' here are that you're on probation and she's not, so there's no level playing field. She hasn't shown you she's liable to cheat, so her talking with anyone isn't a red flag. But you have, so now you talking with anyone is automatically suspicious. You really just have to wear this inequity or get out of the relationship. You stepped in the poop so now it's on you.

[love1336x]

I know. I had somehow assumed that, as of late, you were more into women. That's why a text to a guy wouldn't concern me as much. Did you date men just before getting with your current? Is her ex a guy or a girl?

 

I've only ever dated men, she's my first and last female I will ever date.

[love1336x]

"Innocent to a certain extent" doesn't pass the smell test. Personally, I think you should wholeheartedly apologize for deleting the text, express your complete understanding as to why she would be upset over it, and still maintain that the interaction itself was innocent. The fact is that the guy tried to get somewhere, got nowhere, and you ended the conversation. What you did wrong here was in the deletion of it. Instead, your best bet would have been to proactively share it with her. "I was bored last night and texting with a guy I used to know. He got flirty and I ended the conversation. But I want you to know that I shut it down and won't ever hide this kind of stuff from you. We're a team." That could have completely diffused the situation and built trust.

 

As for her reengaging with an old boyfriend, you should separately establish that as an unacceptable boundary to cross. Neither of you should have close relationships with people of the opposite sex, particularly exes. For you, that means clearly defined "friendship" boundaries with people of both sexes. But don't make it a comparison or competition with her. She owns her crap and you own yours. Poor behavior on your part does not justify or cause poor behavior on her part. And the same goes with you.

 

I'd suggest reading the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass to get a better understanding of appropriate boundaries. And I'd ask her to read it, too. Then you proceed to come to agreements as a team, rather than trying to one-up each other.

 

I am trying to betray the conversation as innocent, but that's not really getting me anywhere. the fact I hid it, is a big problem. I hid it because I was trying to save my butt from being chewed out. It's chewed and its raw now.

[BetrayedH]

I am trying to betray the conversation as innocent, but that's not really getting me anywhere. the fact I hid it, is a big problem. I hid it because I was trying to save my butt from being chewed out. It's chewed and its raw now.

 

I would simply continue to focus on the deletion being wrong and that it's something you swear is not going to continue. Commit to making your life an open book. Embrace the transparency. Try to be proactive at times you anticipate that she'll be anxious. Take ownership of rebuilding trust instead of trying to avoid it. Accept that you've created this paranoia.

 

And really, get that book. It's a pretty cheap investment. And it'll show her an action that demonstrates you're changing.

 

If you're not willing to do these basic things, I'd say to cut the girl loose.

[love1336x]

I brought the book. Thanks.

[BetrayedH]

I brought the book. Thanks.

 

Smart move. I think that's an action that will speak louder than words. And the book is actually worth reading.

 

Would love to hear how it goes. Good luck.

[gaius]

It's a little weird to be talking to a guy at 4am about whether he parties or not. Who cares if he parties or not? He's not your boyfriend. To the point that even he kind of got the vibe you were being sexual with him, and then started inviting you to one, talking about how he used to flirt with you, etc etc. Even though you cut it off after that you weren't being innocent really. You laid the groundwork for that semi-sexual exchange.

 

I would guess you should probably decide whether you can actually fully devote yourself to this woman, to the point you don't need attention like that from other people, and can start to make her feel genuinely comfortable that you won't do that again. Either that or accept that she's just going to keep getting mad at you occasionally. For good reason.