MaggieJean Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 A very shy guy has liked me for a year - we are in the same judo class. At first, I thought he hated me as he used to say nothing to me, or give one-word answers to my questions (I am a friendly person and chat with everyone). Gradually, he started to trust me and chat to me a little, then he started giving me intense looks. We both freaked out at this and ran away from one another for months. But a few months ago, we started being friends again, nervously. We got to the point at which we started chatting on Whatsapp - it grew quite intense and we were chatting every few days for a couple of hours. He was usually online in the evenings, waiting for me - he is *much* too shy to ever make a move and has always left everything up to me, giving me very strong signals of attraction (grinning, laughing loudly at my jokes, blushing, hands shaking, gazing deeply into my eyes, remembering everything I've ever told him, asking about every detail in my life, etc.). I've heard that he's never had a girlfriend because of his shyness. Last Friday, I plucked up the courage to ask him to join me on a hike as I know he likes hiking and we've talked about various trails. He said he would love to, it would be awesome, I must just let him know when. But since then, he is *not* going online in the evenings to chat and in fact seems to be online less in general (yes, we used to stalk each other a little bit online, haha). I hadn't contacted him since Friday but last night dropped him a short message to ask him how his computer expo went. He replied an hour later to say it had gone well and he'd even had some job offers. I replied, "That's great, well done," but he didn't even go online to check my message. I feel like he's maybe freaked out or something. Did I come on too strong? It's taken us a year to get to this point...would be a shame if we had to stop now! I really care about him (and I have been very careful to refer to him as a friend in my texts, e.g. "You're so good at judo - my dangerous friend John!"). Advice? My feeling is to back off and give him breathing space. But should I still invite him on the hike, as I think he's kinda expecting it this weekend? Not sure what to do about that.
Rosh Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I see where you are coming from and to where you both right is the most interesting part of dating (although no formal courting is expressed). Well, you give him a little space first for him to think on what is that he really wants. and to give him time to miss you too . If he is really serious of getting you, he will really find a way - no matter how shy he may seem. And I don't find you being too aggressive. I mean, as you said you are chatty and friendly - so I guess, that just goes to show that how you treated him is not too much. :love: Let me know how it goes.. 1
LilaMarie Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 You are really patient OP. Good luck with that. 3
Glitters Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Its tough to date shy people. You might have to do most of the work in the beginning but eventually it will smoothen out. 1
Zippy2000 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Its ONLY last Friday. lol. Give him a bit more time. Besides he has his owm life and becuase you are speaking to him now, He doesnt have to stalk you as much. Im shy too and I ve been talking to a girl for the last year and have met up twice, during that time and had one date. Theres time I dont hear from her about a week. Hes either, really shy, just wants to be friends or gay. Asking going for hike isnt the same as going out for a couple of drinks on a date. Ask him again but as a date. 1
Author MaggieJean Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 Thanks, that's totally sensible! He is excruciatingly shy - goes to social events with his brother in case he has to do any talking. He's actually pathologically shy. But you're right, I'm over-reacting because I want action. LOL A shy guy friend of mine says that he'd freak out at the idea of a date, so I'm trying to keep it light... But yeah, I have a very full and busy life, so I'll get on with it, and just play it cool. The last thing I want to do is pressure him, actually. I just thought he was really into the whole chatting thing...well, he was...but maybe he got scared/nervous. I think I'll just postpone the hike for a while...give him time to realise I'm not chasing him. Because I don't want to chase him. Actually I've never asked a guy out, it's very weird to me to have to do that anyway... *sweating*
Glitters Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Do what you are comfortable with. Not chasing him is fine. Most likely it wont go anywhere and fizzle out.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 You will probably have to initiate with him a bit
Zippy2000 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Do what you are comfortable with. Not chasing him is fine. Most likely it wont go anywhere and fizzle out. Whats wrong with you people? Not chasing is not fine. I wouldnt use the term chase but maybe ask someone out. Im 41 now. I look back at the silly times I didnt chase and someone else got the girl. It happened to me twice. If we want a car we work for it. If we want a good job or promotion we work for it. Same goes for the person you like. You work for it. Do you want to end up 70 years old with 124 cats in your living room? Do you want to lay on your death bed saying I wish I asked that person out? No! Just do it! You want to win the lottery and win the big jackpot........I ll not buy a ticket. It doesnt make sense. Now CHASE!
thecrucible Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Whats wrong with you people? Not chasing is not fine. I wouldnt use the term chase but maybe ask someone out. Im 41 now. I look back at the silly times I didnt chase and someone else got the girl. It happened to me twice. If we want a car we work for it. If we want a good job or promotion we work for it. Same goes for the person you like. You work for it. Do you want to end up 70 years old with 124 cats in your living room? Do you want to lay on your death bed saying I wish I asked that person out? No! Just do it! You want to win the lottery and win the big jackpot........I ll not buy a ticket. It doesnt make sense. Now CHASE! Yeah but you're a man. Sorry I know I'll get slated for this, but surely the onus is more on the guy to do the chasing? If she has talked to him as intensely as she mentions, surely he'll feel comfortable enough to hang out in person? especially if she gives him a slight nudge in the right direction, most men would take the bait, no? She could ask to meet up with him to grab a coffee catch up before judo class or maybe straight after the class...'cause that's the kind of thing where it's obviously to get to know the person more but it couldn't be seen as too intense. If she tries stuff like that, and he doesn't budge, then what do you do?
Inaa Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Why would you like to date a shy guy? Maybe I'm out of date but I still think it's a man's thing to persue the girl not the other way around. And he goes out with his brother so he doesn't have to talk? He's not just shy, he's anti-social and I have no idea what you've like about this guy. You could ask him out on a date ONCE and if he refuses, just forget about him and stop texting him and losing your time on a guy who's too shy or scared, or whatever.
Mystique01 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I don't mean to sound rude OP,but I don't really see the problem here. Am I missing something lol? From what you've described, he actually does seem into you, albeit VERY shy. You've already invited him to go hiking, which he said "that would be awesome",but now you're thinking of "backing off"? Backing off from what exactly lol? I think what's going on here is that you're taking his infrequent responses to your messages as a negative sign, and you're conjuring up all of these negative thoughts about what that might mean. Trust me, that's a baaad habit to get into. Just relax! Since you already invited him and he said yes, I don't think it would be right to uninvite him. If you hadn't invited him then maybe you would be right in second guessing. But if you've already invited him and he's said he would love to go, I think it would be foolish to just change your mind now based on what you THINK he might be thinking based off of message response time. My advice? Just go with the plans as usual. Tell him where to meet you, and you two go hiking together. If anything you two will get to know each other a little better to see if there's any chance at a relationship. Now if he cancels out and doesn't make a counter offer, or he completely ignores your future messages THEN I would say scratch him off. But from what you've described I don't really see where he's done anything wrong? It sounds like your interaction with him has PROGRESSED over the year, NOT decreased. If it were the other way around I would say forget about him. He's a little too shy for my taste, but from what you've described I think he kinda likes you and is just shy. 1
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Why would you like to date a shy guy? Maybe I'm out of date but I still think it's a man's thing to persue the girl not the other way around. And he goes out with his brother so he doesn't have to talk? He's not just shy, he's anti-social and I have no idea what you've like about this guy. You could ask him out on a date ONCE and if he refuses, just forget about him and stop texting him and losing your time on a guy who's too shy or scared, or whatever. Why do you feel it is the man's role to pursue and initiate?
ZA Dater Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Whats wrong with you people? Not chasing is not fine. I wouldnt use the term chase but maybe ask someone out. Im 41 now. I look back at the silly times I didnt chase and someone else got the girl. It happened to me twice. If we want a car we work for it. If we want a good job or promotion we work for it. Same goes for the person you like. You work for it. Do you want to end up 70 years old with 124 cats in your living room? Do you want to lay on your death bed saying I wish I asked that person out? No! Just do it! You want to win the lottery and win the big jackpot........I ll not buy a ticket. It doesnt make sense. Now CHASE! Lots of like in this post for me. However its like in a perfect world and this isn't one. Eventually people get tired of chasing and getting nothing tangible from it. In the case of the OP I reckon she should give him time, go on the hike and see how it goes. I commend her for taking an interest in this guy because most people don't seem interested in shy people at all. 1
Glitters Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I commend her for taking an interest in this guy because most people don't seem interested in shy people at all. Shy people are usually very nice people. The best thing , if the relationship develops is, you will be their closest later even though it's an uphill battle in the beginning 1
ZA Dater Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Shy people are usually very nice people. The best thing , if the relationship develops is, you will be their closest later even though it's an uphill battle in the beginning As a shy guy myself I think most of us shy people tend to really wan to succeed and when we find someone we do like its a case of really giving everything we can to try and woo that person which pushes us way out of comfort zone and just makes any rejection harder to bear.
Inaa Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Why do you feel it is the man's role to pursue and initiate? Because he has to work a little bit for the reward it seems to me that nowadays some men have forgotten how to behave like men.
ZA Dater Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Because he has to work a little bit for the reward it seems to me that nowadays some men have forgotten how to behave like men. Ladies clearly haven't forgotten the dismissive hand of rejection. Seriously though some guys simply wont work if they get rejected often enough, that doesn't make them less of me, perhaps its makes them very smart for simply backing away from something that doesn't bring any happiness.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Because he has to work a little bit for the reward it seems to me that nowadays some men have forgotten how to behave like men. I don't see the logic behind why its masculine to work a little bit for the reward, that going for what you want is a masculine thing
katiegrl Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Why do you feel it is the man's role to pursue and initiate? Popcorn anyone? :bunny: 2
StBreton Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Popcorn anyone? :bunny: Meanwhile...on 2 other threads discussing men pursuing or not... Yep, it's popcorn time...I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the show:laugh: 2
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Popcorn anyone? :bunny: That's why I believe women are born, men are made
StBreton Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 That's why I believe women are born, men are made Men are made ... like popcorn... they have to bravely spend some time in the hot oil before they burst open ... then they are a delicious crunchy morsel ... some men...no matter how much time they spend in that hot oil...never burst open ... those are the stubborn kernels ... and they never get chosen to be enjoyed. They remain hardened. 2
kilgore Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Men are made ... like popcorn... they have to bravely spend some time in the hot oil before they burst open ... then they are a delicious crunchy morsel ... some men...no matter how much time they spend in that hot oil...never burst open ... those are the stubborn kernels ... and they never get chosen to be enjoyed. They remain hardened. I am not sure this analogy totally works but I like it
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Men are made ... like popcorn... they have to bravely spend some time in the hot oil before they burst open ... then they are a delicious crunchy morsel ... some men...no matter how much time they spend in that hot oil...never burst open ... those are the stubborn kernels ... and they never get chosen to be enjoyed. They remain hardened. Well because all women have to do is just go out and show up, but men have to behave and act a certain way in order to be masculine and deemed a real Man
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