itsallamystery Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 So this is part II of my original post when I asked about some mixed signals I was getting from a girl I was talking to from class... Well, the thread kinda died and our dates seemed to pick up a bit so I wasn't too worried about it. Since I chalked up the mixed signals I was getting from her (mainly getting cheeked) despite her showing definite signs of interest non-verbally to shyness, I went on a third date with her. My intention was to ask her outright, what the deal was and what she was looking for in this. Instead, we had a great dinner, some drinks, and shared a great kiss in my car. She was a bit hesitant at first, but I grabbed her and she didn't protest at all (confirming what I believed to be just shyness). In fact, she was much more aggressive than I and I was the one to pull away. (typically like to do that on first/second type kisses). That week I made a joke about being bribed by home cooking and how far in advance I'd have to make plans with her to get her to come over...she said a day and was thinking sometime next weekend. Things continued well... We talked a bit more during the week, and though we both had plans for Halloween she asked if I wanted to see her on Sunday if I wasn't busy. I was still recovering from the weekend so I declined. I had class again with her yesterday, went out with her again...had a great time and made out in my car again though this time it was much smoother. No hesitation, lasted much longer, very into it. I did forget my wallet and she paid for the date but I think that was a non-issue. (as I paid for about 80% of the other dates) Made a comment about her coming to my area this weekend to casually confirm plans we made and she hit me with something to the extent of "been thinking a lot about where i see you and i heading, i really enjoy your company and I think your funny and handsome and all that good stuff but i see this developing as a friendship more than anything else" So. I'm baffled. Here are the hypothesis': 1. She questioned if I was even single at one point, so maybe she thinks this is a bootycall for me. 2. Variation of 1, but some type of s.h.i.t-test (even though I really dont even believe in those) 3. She's wacked. I'd bet dollars to pesos its #3.
lilmissjava Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 (edited) Is it not possible that she is seeing other people? Or could be a lot of other things. She felt she didn't click with you etc. and so forth. One doesn't have to be "wacked" to have a good date and then make heads or tails of it afterwards. She could have faded or ghosted you but she put her big girl pants on and told you straight up how she felt. Good communication in my book. Edited November 5, 2015 by lilmissjava Typo
LoveRefreshed Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 And that's when I respond with 'I have enough friends. Good luck'.... then crickets. Mice in and don't waste your time contemplating it.
MightyQuinn Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Sounds like you ended things, but she could really mean what she says, and like the second poster said, might have been dating other people. I went on more than a few dates earlier this year. A few there was no chemistry off the bat so it was easy/mutual to break it off after one date. But there were two guys that I really had a great time with, great conversation, lots of laughs and two dates each that ended with kissing. With one, there was insane physical chemistry when we kissed and now we've been dating for 7 months The other guy - the kisses were hot but absolutely no spark, and when I told him as such and I wanted to stay friends, he just stopped talking to me.
Empyrea Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I don't think there needs to be a "reason", although I do understand your need to try and find one. Frankly, she just wasn't feeling it. Maybe she's got her eye on someone else or maybe she just doesn't feel the chemistry. It's commendable that she said it outright instead of stringing you along or fading you out. No need to overanalyze here, take what she said at face value and move on. Unless you want to develop a friendship with her..?
Author itsallamystery Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 Thank you for the replies and most of it is spot on. However, I am by no means boasting (would defeat the purpose here) when I say she was fawning over me every time we hung out. I have no problem with women not being into me...no problem not being into women I'm not into...but usually it reflects in the way I am towards them when I'm actually with them. I guess I formulate opinions on people quicker in that sense. And good dates, good chemistry, and good kisses usually equate to me wanting to see a person more...I could be wrong though...I didnt ask her to marry me either, so I'm unsure why seeing other people would come into play? I'm more confused than mad.
Author itsallamystery Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 I did tell her I had enough friends already...but said it was unfortunate because I believe the best relationships are rooted in friendship. She persisted with friendship, saying ball was in my court, I basically replied "thanks but no thanks i have no interest in pursuing this if it isnt going anywhere but I enjoyed spending time with you." because I have not known this girl for that long, and honestly dont need anymore friends. Either way I'm satisfied because if it was genuine, I'm not interested in being friends and if it was a test, i'm not interested in dating women like that.
Myragal Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 A tough one. As a woman I expect a man to want me. Be nuts about me. If I don't sense his yearning for be with me then I don't want to keep investing emotion into the new relationship. I've never had a man, especially when first seeing each other, to say he is too tired to be with me. My boyfriend once drove over two hours just to have a cup of coffee with me on my evening shift break...then drove back. I'll never forget that. It made me feel so confident and secure...a thing a lot of us women need before we commit completely. The wallet thing might also be some negative icing on the cake. Not her paying but your reliability and dependability. I'm not judging you but we really, really want an 'all together' man we can depend on. Anyways...good that you are reflecting on everything.
Author itsallamystery Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 I've never had a man, especially when first seeing each other, to say he is too tired to be with me. I never said that The wallet thing might also be some negative icing on the cake. Not her paying but your reliability and dependability. I'm not judging you but we really, really want an 'all together' man we can depend on. Point taken, however when it comes down to brass tax I was in for 300 whereas she may have spend 75. I never have a problem with paying but if I happen to forget my wallet its also a good show of character on the woman's part to step up instead of wasting the night. Plus, I've heard complaints when a man pays for all of the meals. Seems like a lose-lose in that respect.
Empyrea Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Point taken, however when it comes down to brass tax I was in for 300 whereas she may have spend 75. I never have a problem with paying but if I happen to forget my wallet its also a good show of character on the woman's part to step up instead of wasting the night. Plus, I've heard complaints when a man pays for all of the meals. Seems like a lose-lose in that respect. Mmm you really shouldn't be taking score. As much as the times have progressed, it's never cool to see anyone splitting hairs or, rather, taking the pocket calculator out when splitting a bill - man or woman. It just comes across as uptight and stingy. I get that you didn't express that to her, but still, something to remember. Also, it's polite to offer to pay in the beginning, but be open when she reaches for her wallet or offers to split the bill. Super easy cue to follow. Some girls are still stuck in the middle ages and assume you will cover all the bills and that's fine. It's your choice whether or not you want to date someone like that. Most of the time, however, a girl will offer to pay or split the bill at least some of the times. It doesn't mean, though, that you get to demand that hey, I paid last time, so this time it's your turn - and not express that until the end. I normally pay for half the dates or go dutch or whatever, but I would also be miffed if I discovered at the end of the date that I had the pay the entire bill - maybe I don't have that much cash on me! Again, I get that you didn't plan to forget your wallet and that it could happen to anyone, just explaining why that might not be the best impression to make at the beginning of a relationship. But probably it had nothing to do with her losing interest in you, so that's a bit moot.
Myragal Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I never said that Point taken, however when it comes down to brass tax I was in for 300 whereas she may have spend 75. I never have a problem with paying but if I happen to forget my wallet its also a good show of character on the woman's part to step up instead of wasting the night. Plus, I've heard complaints when a man pays for all of the meals. Seems like a lose-lose in that respect. You are doomed to repeat. Again, not about the money. I personally do not want to date a 'boy'...one who is too tired the day after Hallowe'en to go for a nice walk...or forgets his wallet (or keys). Women like responsible males. So what is 'your' assessment other than your false bravado? She liked you then what? Found out what you were really like?
Redhead14 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 So this is part II of my original post when I asked about some mixed signals I was getting from a girl I was talking to from class... Well, the thread kinda died and our dates seemed to pick up a bit so I wasn't too worried about it. Since I chalked up the mixed signals I was getting from her (mainly getting cheeked) despite her showing definite signs of interest non-verbally to shyness, I went on a third date with her. My intention was to ask her outright, what the deal was and what she was looking for in this. Instead, we had a great dinner, some drinks, and shared a great kiss in my car. She was a bit hesitant at first, but I grabbed her and she didn't protest at all (confirming what I believed to be just shyness). In fact, she was much more aggressive than I and I was the one to pull away. (typically like to do that on first/second type kisses). That week I made a joke about being bribed by home cooking and how far in advance I'd have to make plans with her to get her to come over...she said a day and was thinking sometime next weekend. Things continued well... We talked a bit more during the week, and though we both had plans for Halloween she asked if I wanted to see her on Sunday if I wasn't busy. I was still recovering from the weekend so I declined. I had class again with her yesterday, went out with her again...had a great time and made out in my car again though this time it was much smoother. No hesitation, lasted much longer, very into it. I did forget my wallet and she paid for the date but I think that was a non-issue. (as I paid for about 80% of the other dates) Made a comment about her coming to my area this weekend to casually confirm plans we made and she hit me with something to the extent of "been thinking a lot about where i see you and i heading, i really enjoy your company and I think your funny and handsome and all that good stuff but i see this developing as a friendship more than anything else" So. I'm baffled. Here are the hypothesis': 1. She questioned if I was even single at one point, so maybe she thinks this is a bootycall for me. 2. Variation of 1, but some type of s.h.i.t-test (even though I really dont even believe in those) 3. She's wacked. I'd bet dollars to pesos its #3. I'd bet dollars to pesos its #3 -- so if a girl makes out with you and enjoyed spending time with you but decided she didn't want to continue dating you and just be friends -- she's wacked? What if it were the other way around? -- You liked her, had a nice time, made out with her, but just wasn't that interested and didn't want to move forward with her for dating . . . Why can't it just be that you each aren't the ones for each other? Why does it have to be about "issues". She was honest and upfront with you. That doesn't indicated being "wacked". It indicates that she is mature enough to be upfront and respectful of a dating partner that she's not really feeling attracted to. She could have "ghosted" on you, she could have stopped answering your calls, she could have strung you along for a bunch of free meals and maybe sex and then ghosted on you. She could have stood you up, she could have ranted on you for forgetting your wallet . . . ad infinitum. You were getting mixed signals anyway which says she wasn't too sure about you but was willing to give it a couple of dates. What's wrong with that?
Author itsallamystery Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 You are doomed to repeat. Again, not about the money. I personally do not want to date a 'boy'...one who is too tired the day after Hallowe'en to go for a nice walk...or forgets his wallet (or keys). Women like responsible males. So what is 'your' assessment other than your false bravado? She liked you then what? Found out what you were really like? I was addressing the comment somebody made about being tired...which now I see where I said that after halloween...whats wrong with being too tired to hang out with somebody? I agree, maybe if this is a pattern there may be cause to be upset but one time? Regarding my wallet, I go to school with this girl, and live 30 minutes away (with a toll). We both have busy work/school schedules so I would've gone back to get it, but figured it would have been pointless...I'm sure if I went home to get the wallet one of you would be saying "well you looked desperate so I cant blame her for not wanting to date you" Same goes for being too tired to hang out... I'm not sure what you mean by false bravado as I never attempted to impress her monetarily or with material items. I was taking inventory in this thread to point out that I didn't think it would be an issue for her to pay. Especially since she attempted to pay multiple times and I wouldn't take her card. No sense of entitlement here, just mean to say I didnt think it would be a big deal. I think its interesting you would qualify somebody as a "boy" or at the very least "irresponsible" for forgetting their wallet. Personally, I'd examine this over time or pick a more serious action. I guess that was a good thing, because if one instance like that is enough to throw a person off that conveys instability to me. Also, to say she found out what I'm really like shows a bit of superficiality as forgetting a wallet one time shows just that - that I forgot my wallet one time. I'd bet dollars to pesos its #3 -- so if a girl makes out with you and enjoyed spending time with you but decided she didn't want to continue dating you and just be friends -- she's wacked? What if it were the other way around? -- You liked her, had a nice time, made out with her, but just wasn't that interested and didn't want to move forward with her for dating . . . Why can't it just be that you each aren't the ones for each other? Why does it have to be about "issues". She was honest and upfront with you. That doesn't indicated being "wacked". It indicates that she is mature enough to be upfront and respectful of a dating partner that she's not really feeling attracted to. She could have "ghosted" on you, she could have stopped answering your calls, she could have strung you along for a bunch of free meals and maybe sex and then ghosted on you. She could have stood you up, she could have ranted on you for forgetting your wallet . . . ad infinitum. You were getting mixed signals anyway which says she wasn't too sure about you but was willing to give it a couple of dates. What's wrong with that? Agreed, however when Im not interested in somebody I may see them a few more times, but I wont escalate. And certainly not more than once. The timing is what really threw me off and caused me to think she was wacked. Had this been said earlier, it would've made more sense. And it was the other way around for me with another girl...that same day actually. When I was unsure about whether I wanted to be involved with her, I didnt ghost her but I didn't make plans to see her again and I certainly didn't up the ante by kissing her...Twice. To me, thats sending the wrong message. I also didnt say "lets be friends" I said I didnt want a relationship. Harsh, but saying lets be friends puts the ownness on the person being friended. If they accept it, the dynamic in the relationship (platonic or not) shifts greatly and if they reject it suddenly they're the ones at fault.
Redhead14 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I was addressing the comment somebody made about being tired...which now I see where I said that after halloween...whats wrong with being too tired to hang out with somebody? I agree, maybe if this is a pattern there may be cause to be upset but one time? Regarding my wallet, I go to school with this girl, and live 30 minutes away (with a toll). We both have busy work/school schedules so I would've gone back to get it, but figured it would have been pointless...I'm sure if I went home to get the wallet one of you would be saying "well you looked desperate so I cant blame her for not wanting to date you" Same goes for being too tired to hang out... I'm not sure what you mean by false bravado as I never attempted to impress her monetarily or with material items. I was taking inventory in this thread to point out that I didn't think it would be an issue for her to pay. Especially since she attempted to pay multiple times and I wouldn't take her card. No sense of entitlement here, just mean to say I didnt think it would be a big deal. I think its interesting you would qualify somebody as a "boy" or at the very least "irresponsible" for forgetting their wallet. Personally, I'd examine this over time or pick a more serious action. I guess that was a good thing, because if one instance like that is enough to throw a person off that conveys instability to me. Also, to say she found out what I'm really like shows a bit of superficiality as forgetting a wallet one time shows just that - that I forgot my wallet one time. Agreed, however when Im not interested in somebody I may see them a few more times, but I wont escalate. And certainly not more than once. The timing is what really threw me off and caused me to think she was wacked. Had this been said earlier, it would've made more sense. And it was the other way around for me with another girl...that same day actually. When I was unsure about whether I wanted to be involved with her, I didnt ghost her but I didn't make plans to see her again and I certainly didn't up the ante by kissing her...Twice. To me, thats sending the wrong message. I also didnt say "lets be friends" I said I didnt want a relationship. Harsh, but saying lets be friends puts the ownness on the person being friended. If they accept it, the dynamic in the relationship (platonic or not) shifts greatly and if they reject it suddenly they're the ones at fault. Oh, come on. Just because she kissed you it should mean that she's all in? It's not like she slept with you. So, it took her 3 dates to figure things out for herself. She kissed you to see if there would be any sparks for her. I'd say there weren't any for her or enough and so she's moving on. It doesn't mean she's wacked. Agreed, however when Im not interested in somebody I may see them a few more times, but I wont escalate. And certainly not more than once. -- This doesn't make any sense. If you're not interested, why see them a few more times. You would see them a few more times maybe because you're unsure -- which is probably what she did . . .
Author itsallamystery Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 (edited) Oh, come on. Just because she kissed you it should mean that she's all in? It's not like she slept with you. So, it took her 3 dates to figure things out for herself. She kissed you to see if there would be any sparks for her. I'd say there weren't any for her or enough and so she's moving on. It doesn't mean she's wacked. Agreed, however when Im not interested in somebody I may see them a few more times, but I wont escalate. And certainly not more than once. -- This doesn't make any sense. If you're not interested, why see them a few more times. You would see them a few more times maybe because you're unsure -- which is probably what she did . . . Obviously this is a moot topic because I've already answered her but its more for my own sake of understanding. My mistake when I said I would see people who I'm not interested in, I really meant unsure as well. Maybe my non-verbal behavior is a bit more readable if I'm not feeling the date. I guess thats what threw me for a loop...after leaving her smitten, there was obviously a lacking spark...I guess my mistake is trying to spend time figuring out what was lacking. She did actually say "maybe I'm just too focused on work and school right now" before saying "she'd love to continue a friendship with me" I just dont really ever see those things working out... Edited November 5, 2015 by itsallamystery
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