katiegrl Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 You have gone on a couple of dates, she forgot to call you to arrange another is that it? Have you called her since? Was wondering this myself.... OP you said she's gone silent. Do you mean she never got back to you advising when she would be available? OR .... have YOU texted or called HER since and she is ignoring you? If it's the former, then call her! If it's the latter, then yah she's a flake, and move on.
Mystique01 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Left a voicemail with exactly that. We'll see what happens. Good! Now the ball is squarely in her court. Even if she never responds back, at least you can just move on and you won't be ruminating over it thinking, I shoulda coulda woulda.... I'm hoping she's not a flake and just got busy or possibly weirded out with the game night "date". Now there's NO doubt in her mind that you like her as MORE than a friend. Good for you for taking the bull by the horns! 2
Truth34 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Every single guy I've attempted to date via online dating has done this to me. It's not just a woman thing. I think it's an online thing. People don't view others as actual human beings. Just disposable "things" that are interchangeable. Big reason why I dumped the online dating and refuse to go back. Cannot really argue with the disposable part. It's like the bus to some people, there is another one every 15 minutes.
Buddhist Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I think it's an online thing. People don't view others as actual human beings. Just disposable "things" that are interchangeable. Welcome to modern life where people basically have no value beyond what they can do for you. People are so busy getting their 'needs met' that they no longer have time for actual relationships which is just about the only thing that would meet their need....for companionship, affection and love. FOMO, FWB, texting, social media, multi-dating all killing individuals desire for real relationship with people they might actually like if they spent more than 5mins in their company. 2
lana-banana Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) Sports junkie or not, she may have been pretty uncomfortable at the group outing in lieu of a second date. I know I would have been; meeting one new person is hard enough. How do you think she introduced herself to other people there? "I'm a, um, friend of SoThatHappened." "Really? Me too! How did you meet?" "Uhhh, OKCupid?" "Oh, but you stayed friends? That's cool." "I, see..." More to the point: all of us, male and female, have stories about someone promising to call and then disappearing off the face of the earth. I had at least five dates that went amazingly well where I never heard from the guy again, even if they included kisses and promises to call. It happens. Edited November 7, 2015 by lana-banana 1
Author SoThatHappened Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) Honestly, those having a problem with being around a potential suitor's friends are really bugging me at this point. It wouldn't work if she couldn't hang out with my friends and it says a lot about people not being able to socialize anymore. If you like someone, a setting like that shouldn't send you running. What's wrong with you people? And, by the way, she responded... 4 hours later... via text of course: "Hey! Just finished our game!" That means she just finished her first exhibition game as an assistant coach for Div I. But why the silence before? I don't even know if I want to continue at this point. Edited November 7, 2015 by SoThatHappened
lilmissjava Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 The message doesn't sound like it prompts a response from you. Is it possible that she might have thought you wanted her to be "one of the guys" even if that wasn't your intention? That kind of setting should be reserved for much later on. You could have had sports night alone with her, at a sports bar or pub, something the both of you could do together instead of rushing her in to square off with the bro's, and still have a good time. What you do from here on in is up to you, regardless of all the assumptions and constructive advice we are giving you here. if you feel like pursuing this further, just keep your options open. It really isn't worth the ambiguity she is constantly leaving you with. Her last text doesn't sound too inviting, you know? 2
Lansing Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 One thing I always try to do when dating is keep my word. If I tell someone I will call them, I will. If I tell someone I will send them information about that cool place we were talking about I will. Did you respond to her text or did she text your further? Maybe she just saw you called and texted you instead of listening to her voicemail. I agree with others that for future dates at the early stage it is better on on one. Maybe she invited you to hang with her friends because she wasn't sure about romantic interest. Regardless, I think you are better inviting a girl out one on one if you really dig her so you can see how she acts when the two of you are alone. It is more likely something will escalate (both physically and emotionally) when one on one. 2
lana-banana Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) Honestly, those having a problem with being around a potential suitor's friends are really bugging me at this point. It wouldn't work if she couldn't hang out with my friends and it says a lot about people not being able to socialize anymore. No, it really doesn't. It's a matter of propriety and respect, and it doesn't speak well of you that you're unable to recognize this. The first few dates, or even months if you prefer to take it slow, should be spent getting to know each other. You had one date! She doesn't even know if she likes you yet, much less your friends. She's essentially a stranger, but obviously interested in spending time with you---not your buddies, not your colleagues, but YOU, and you dropped her in the middle of a party and basically ignored her. Even if you're fairly extroverted that's a huge turn-off. I agree that if I liked the guy, it certainly wouldn't send me running. But if I wasn't sure yet (and how sure can anyone be after one date?!) it would make me think he wasn't particularly interested. Edited November 7, 2015 by lana-banana 3
Author SoThatHappened Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 I didn't "drop" her in the middle of a social setting, Lana. She was all for it! And if that's what set her off, GREAT! People who would run because of a few hours in a social setting like that are not worth my time. And all these "guidelines" about first dates and what you should do early on are just that: guidelines. If she liked me, hanging out with a group of people on the second meeting shouldn't change that. Remember, she wanted to hang out with others and asked me to do the same the night before. She was fine after everyone left and we spent another hour+ together alone afterwards. If she didn't think I was interested after every time I spent making plans, contacting her, talking to her, and taking the initiative, then that's on her. If she thought I wasn't "particularly interested" because I invited her around friends, that's great! She just saved me time and effort. I was interested, which is why I invited her. I replied to the text. I'll let you know if it was me or if it was the social setting that turned her off... or if it was something else. 2
Mystique01 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Hmmm....interesting.... That's not quite the response back I would have expected, but since you've already texted her back then the only thing we can all do is wait. I know one thing, if a guy I was interested in had called me and left me a VOICE MAIL, one of the FIRST things I would have done would be listen to his vm.....even if I couldn't respond back right away. And if he was calling me to set up a date, I would have called HIM back. Him calling me would have signified to me that it's okay to call HIM. I don't think I would have just texted back if I really liked him. Something sounds fishy with this one. Either she's REALLY playing it cool or close to the vest (who knows, maybe she's been hurt before and is being EXTRA cautious),or she's flaky and not really all that interested. You'll know soon enough. But if she sounds halfhearted in her response back to your latest text, then I say drop back for sure and see what she does within a week or so. If she does nothing then just forget about her. I wouldn't contact her again though unless she sounds excited/happy about getting together again. I'm hoping it's the latter, but if it's not, then at least you didn't waste too much time on her. See, that's why I like calling ppl instead of silly texting when I'm trying to get to the bottom of something. People can hide so well behind texting and keep you at arms length distance for months if they want to. They can even be texting you and a bunch of others at the same time if it suits them! But with calling, eventually the person is either going to have to call back, or they will not. To me, phone calls separate the fakes from the ones who are genuinely interested. A person who is genuinely interested will eventually call back. 1
BC1980 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I would just call her and ask her out. If she says no, there is your answer. When dating, texting can be a way to keep someone on a string but at arm's length. She might be doing that to you.
Author SoThatHappened Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 After I responded today, it took her another 4 hours to respond that she was at the local college football game. Pretty sure I'm chalking this up to she's not ready or not into me. If a girl isn't into you, why keep up with texting? Just ghost me and I'd understand. Something fishy, and I don't need to waste the time trying to figure it out. Thanks for the insight ladies. 1
lilmissjava Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 So that's what happened.. Move on, no biggie. The plus to this is that you weren't emotionally invested. Just go with the flow next time and you will be fine.
Author SoThatHappened Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 I don't know if the football game is "what happened." I don't know anything she's thinking at this point. She seemed pretty into me, and then silence. That's why I started this whole thread. Couldn't figure that out. I appreciate the insight. Yes, at least I wasn't emotionally invested. And, at least she didn't get hit by a bus :/
lilmissjava Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 She seemed pretty into me, and then silence. That's why I started this whole thread. Couldn't figure that out. This happens ohhhh so more than you think. Good luck!
Author SoThatHappened Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 This happens ohhhh so more than you think. Good luck! Makes absolutely no sense but good to know!
Zapbasket Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I'll admit, I've done this. A bunch of times. I'll have enjoyed the first date; the conversation flowed, etc.; but then when I get home and in the hours/days afterward, I'll realize that I'm just not ready to pursue a relationship with that person for whatever reason, or while the person seems nice and fun I don't feel like I want it to go further, etc. I might have a spidey sense about this during the actual date, but I need time to process my impressions. After one recent date, I strung together things he said and had a strong impression that the guy had a drinking problem. I wasn't sure so I agreed that evening to a second date after I returned from a trip out of state, but during that time I shared my impressions with a couple of friends and they all said, "Yup, definite drinking problem; next him." So, when I returned from my trip and he texted me to set up a date, I just never replied. I realize that it is probably the more courteous thing to respond and say, "No, thank you" and leave it at that. But in this most recent and many other cases, I have just let the silence do the talking. After all, I rationalize, how invested can he possibly be after one date? And do I really owe him anything? Isn't the "no, thank you" writ large in my silence? I figure I'm disappointing him either way, whether I say thanks, but no thanks or whether I go ghost. I realize this is not ideal and I'm probably going to get lambasted for admitting this :eek: 1
BC1980 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I don't know if the football game is "what happened." I don't know anything she's thinking at this point. She seemed pretty into me, and then silence. That's why I started this whole thread. Couldn't figure that out. I appreciate the insight. Yes, at least I wasn't emotionally invested. And, at least she didn't get hit by a bus :/ Sometimes, things can seem good in the moment. Then, when you start really thinking, your feelings change. That's the best way I can describe it. It's not worth thinking about too much because you won't get a straight answer. For all we know, she might be hung up on an ex or dating multiple guys.
Author SoThatHappened Posted December 10, 2015 Author Posted December 10, 2015 So, after over a month of radio silence, I was logged into the dating website and she was also online. So... I instant-messaged her. I thought, "What the heck. What do I have to lose." I said "Hey, don't know what happened but I hope you're having some luck on the site." Immediately she logged off. Whether it was a coincidence or not, I don't know. But, you're able to send IM's whether they're online or not. It just goes into your IM history. She responded 2 hours later with: "Hi! Sorry, nothing happened I just haven't had any time..." (I haven't responded) But, why the eff is she on a dating website? Oh, I know, to find a date. I know she hardly has any time (as a Div I coach), but why lie to me? Just tell me you didn't feel it wasn't a match and wish me the best. Why drag it on with silence, then random texts, then silence. So she went from; - Being totally into me on the first date, slipping that I would meet her mother soon enough - To a second date where she stayed after everyone left the get-together and sending me a big thank you text when she got home - To setting up a date with me within the next few days - To... silence I'd like to reply to keep the possibility of a friendship (or even more) open, because I really don't have anything invested and why lose it? We had more in common than most. If I shouldn't reply at all, I get that. But, if I were to reply hoping to keep things light and open for friendship or more, what would someone recommend? Gracias
Versacehottie Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 i don't think you should answer. She didn't even have the courtesy to handle the IM conversation well. I think she is either uncomfortable telling you what is really going on OR was treating you as an option and just left it a little too long. If she is NOT going to date or be friends in the future, there's nothing you can say to change that, so don't feel the need to play nice. IF there is still a chance to date or be friends in the future, the only way to show that you respect yourself more than she is showing you is by not answering--which may spark renewed interest in you. She is treating you like you are "down there" and she is "up here" so you show her you are not and roll the dice for what happens next. You've handled EVERYTHING respectfully so not answering will not make her think you are an unworthy jerk--if anything your self-respect will be motivating. Good luck
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