Need some insight from the ladies

[SoThatHappened]

Spent the last year and a half single, getting over a girl who ripped my heart out. Took it harder than I should've, but oh well.

 

Finally decided to get back into dating, and met a girl online.

 

Went on a first date where we talked for 4 hours and literally finished each others' sentences. At the end of the date, we both blurted out "when can I see you again" basically at the same time.

 

Next day, she's inviting me over her house but I couldn't make it since I had family in town.

 

The following night she comes over for the Sunday night football game. We didn't get to really talk as much since I had other people over, but she still seemed very into me.

 

On Tuesday, we're texting and I'm setting up another date. She says she can do Wednesday (tonight), I said to let me know when she's available to talk and set it up.

 

She responds "Ok I definitely will!" Verbatim.

 

Then... complete silence.

 

I keep thinking I did something she didn't like on Sunday night. Was it the way I showed her my house? The way we didn't talk as much? My other company?

 

We never kissed but hugged at each "hello" and "goodbye." Was it because I didn't make the move? She told me that she wanted to take things slow since she just got divorced about a year ago. She's 28, I'm 35. She said before we met that the age difference didn't bother her at all.

 

Obviously no one can know what she's thinking, but, ladies, have you done this before and why?

 

Trying to figure out what I did wrong so I can avoid it or apply the right things in the future. Not getting any younger and I'm ready to date. Not desperate at all, just finally ready.

[lilmissjava]

Why is your go-to reaction that you did something wrong?

 

Life happens and perhaps she had lots going on. You shouldn't over-analyze, your dating life will go a lot more smoother if you just coast.

 

Continue to talk to/date other women. If multi-dating is something you can do, it's not for everyone. But at least keep your options open.

 

Take your time and try not to over-react. You have expressed your interest and the ball is in her court.

[SoThatHappened]

I don't know why that was my reaction. The only things that make sense are:

 

- Something I said, did, or didn't do made her go from like to dislike.

- An ex came back in the picture

- She got hit by a bus

 

It just went from great dates, texts, and conversations to absolute silence. Even after she said she wanted to hang out tonight.

 

And believe me, I'm all in for dating and dating multiple people right now. Finally moved on and I see dating as a way to get out there. I'm not looking to decide if I'm going to marry every girl I meet. No pressure.

 

I just don't get how it happens and wondering if women have done this and why.

[lilmissjava]

Unfortunately that's the nature of the dating game.

 

You will come across all sorts of people. Flakey people, ghosters, faders, users, cheaters, liars, you will even meet people who don't even exist and people who exist but you will never meet.

 

Don't give up, there are plenty of good ones. You just have to weed through them as best as you know how.

[frus69]

Things like this just happen and there isn't much to analyse.

Just because two people aren't compatible doesn't mean one is at fault.

[lilmissjava]

I don't know why that was my reaction. The only things that make sense are:

 

- Something I said, did, or didn't do made her go from like to dislike.

- An ex came back in the picture

- She got hit by a bus

 

It just went from great dates, texts, and conversations to absolute silence. Even after she said she wanted to hang out tonight.

 

And believe me, I'm all in for dating and dating multiple people right now. Finally moved on and I see dating as a way to get out there. I'm not looking to decide if I'm going to marry every girl I meet. No pressure.

 

I just don't get how it happens and wondering if women have done this and why.

 

I just read your back story and I think you have done a fabulous job getting to where you are at now.

 

Good luck!

[Truth34]

This stuff drives me insane. Seriously, I do not know ONE male friend of mine who is this fickle. But through others and my own experiences, women are like this often. It's scary to me because I know what I want, I dont get all wishy washy especially after talking the talk like im all interested. But women tend to go hot and cold over the slightest things and it sends something good spiraling into the abyss.

 

OP, my money is on the bus.

[joseb]

You have gone on a couple of dates, she forgot to call you to arrange another is that it?

 

Have you called her since?

 

It might well be she's not interested. Or got scared after meeting friends on a second date (the opposite of taking things slow. I'd wait at least a month for that) but i wouldn't give up just yet.

Edited November 5, 2015 by joseb

[Buddhist]

The following night she comes over for the Sunday night football game. We didn't get to really talk as much since I had other people over,

 

So your second date you invited her to watch sports with a bunch of other people? Yeah I wouldn't bother with you either. You're dating, she's expecting one on one time with you. Not hey, hang out with me and bunch of my friends so you can feel awkward the whole night.

 

This would send a clear signal to me the guy thinks of me as a friend not a love interest. It would take things back a notch for me and kill the idea of romance.

Edited November 5, 2015 by Buddhist

[ExpatInItaly]

So your second date you invited her to watch sports with a bunch of other people? Yeah I wouldn't bother with you either. You're dating, she's expecting one on one time with you. Not hey, hang out with me and bunch of my friends so you can feel awkward the whole night.

 

I was thinking the same thing. (I'm a woman too)

 

OP, it was a nice gesture to include her but not a great idea for a second date. It would have been better to arrange another date alone together so she can get to you know before being introduced to your friends. Unless she is a big sports fan and was into the game, it wouldn't have pegged very high on my list of second-date ideas.

 

What did you do together on your first date?

Edited November 5, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[burnt]

I was thinking the same thing. (I'm a woman too)

 

OP, it was a nice gesture to include her but not a great idea for a second date. It would have been better to arrange another date alone together so she can get to you know before being introduced to your friends. Unless she is a big sports fan and was into the game, it wouldn't have pegged very high on my list of second-date ideas.

 

What did you do together on your first date?

 

Ditto;

'Taking things slowly' means one doesn't want to get physical right away. From your description, you two had a wonderful fluid spontaneous conversation in your first day and I read the 'when can I see you again' to mean 'when can I see you again to continue this'; it's the feeling that you're making a connection that's more important than anything else for her.

 

Also, if she's one of the many introvert types, being in a crowd would immediately damper her ability to be herself.

[SoThatHappened]

You have gone on a couple of dates, she forgot to call you to arrange another is that it?

 

Have you called her since?

No, she didn't forget. She just went silent. I have not called or texted her since.

[SoThatHappened]

To those saying it wasn't a good idea for a second date, I understand and wouldn't have done it except for:

 

- She's a sports junkie. We were both rooting for KC in game 5 of the Series and the Broncos game against the Pack.

 

- She was all-state in softball, golf, and basketball.

 

- She played Division II basketball (and was pretty darn good).

 

- She coaches Division I basketball

 

Also, she invited me over with her friends the night before. I couldn't make it, but reciprocated the offer. She was all for it.

 

She stayed for over an hour after everyone left. The talk wasn't as fluid as the first date, but we had alone time and her dog fell asleep in my lap.

 

She texted after she got home thanking me for inviting her and for a great time.

 

I don't know. Could've been a bad idea.

 

I just can't help think that something turned her off, but I'm not totally sure what.

 

I appreciate all of the insight, though.

[BC1980]

It's fishy. She might have gotten scared if she felt it was moving too fast. I did the same thing to someone a few years ago. I started talking to someone and completely freaked when he asked for an actual date. I completely ghosted on him. I realized I wasn't over my ex.

 

But yeah, you are right to think something is up because her behavior did a 180.

[Yummm]

Sorry to hear mate - definitely try not to overthink as it will only mindf**k you more.

 

I had something similar happen to me. Spoke to this girl for a while before meeting, when we met the first date went well, she seemed to be alot more into me than I was her. Suddenly she pulled a 180 and went hot and cold. She kept this up for almost 2 weeks and come to the second date there was so much negativity there that it was obvious it wouldn't work anyway.

 

Play it cool, if she gets back to you great, if not, move on to the next

[SoThatHappened]

I'm at the point where I want to text just to ask if she's ok. I don't have anything to lose. I can just say I don't know what happened, if you decided you're not into me it's no big deal. Just a simple "I'm fine" or no response at all and you won't hear from me again.

 

So strange. I'm not contacting an ex so I have no emotional ties. Just curiosity at this point.

[Sunlight72]

Quit texting.

For shi'ts sake, call her.

 

Why did you text her to call you to talk about a time to plan a date? Holy Crap.

 

Just call her. Don't ask her to explain anything. Tell her you're doing xxyyzz Friday night, or Saturday, and would like her to come.

 

If she answers, or replies to your message in the next day or two, she's interested. If not, then her answer is "Thought I was ready to date, but I'm not". Don't ask for a further explanation.

 

If you'd called her before (when you texted and told her to call you to talk about a date), this would be done already.

 

Please quit texting about Anything You Find Important. Texting is for inconsequential chatter only.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. thinking about it a bit further, she could have meant to call, wanted to figure out her schedule or got distracted, not called right away, then felt funny (oh jeez, I forgot to call him an hour ago - now he might think I don't want to go out? Should I call now? It's been too long since I meant to call....). Or a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g could have happened. Talking on the phone gives so much more information so immediately that it should be your only choice for things you care about.

 

But it's not a big deal. She's met you. She likes you, you like her. That is what you do know. The rest is all just fuzz, so don't wonder about it. Keep it simple.

Edited November 5, 2015 by Sunlight72

[SoThatHappened]

Sunlight,

 

We are kindred spirits man. I couldn't agree more, honestly. I hate this texting bullsh't, but it's the way the world works these days. I've dated 22 year-olds and 35 year-olds... they have all preferred answering on their own terms, as I've learned.

 

To be clear, I texted her to let me know when she'd be off of work and available for ME to call. Not the other way around.

 

Most times, she would only answer her phone if she KNEW I was going to call. Other times, I'd get no answer. Then a text 2 minutes later saying, "Sorry I was walking my dog and just missed you. Can I call you in 20 minutes?"

 

That's when the good 'ol genius intuition kicks in and realizes that she prefers the world's new form of communication. Fine. I can roll with the punches, and I did.

 

I have absolutely no emotion involved with this. At this point, it's just a mission to find out why and hopefully have some insight to offer to others that have helped me so much here.

 

I've dealt with some sh't the last couple years and am just learning and applying at this point. She could tell me anything and it wouldn't phase me after what I've been through, so I'll just ask her. We'll see how it goes.

[Mystique01]

I'm at the point where I want to text just to ask if she's ok. I don't have anything to lose. I can just say I don't know what happened, if you decided you're not into me it's no big deal. Just a simple "I'm fine" or no response at all and you won't hear from me again.

 

So strange. I'm not contacting an ex so I have no emotional ties. Just curiosity at this point.

 

Whatever you do, PLEASE don't say this.... It would kill the attraction for me (no offense).

 

I agree with calling her. What else do you have to lose? You can ask her if she's free Friday/Saturday night for going out to x,y,z and see what she says. If she's vague, dances around the question, or flat out declines, then I'd say move on. But right now it's too early to tell.

 

I just can't see myself having such a great time on a date (finishing each other's sentences and stuff) if I'm not actually into the guy. If I'm not into a guy and I'm not wanting to be mean/rude about it, I'll be cordial, but I won't be excited, laughing at his jokes, or finishing his sentences. There's a different type of energy when two people are clicking and have good chemistry. If she didn't like you a little bit she wouldn't have been acting the way she was. I don't see how interest could have changed that quickly.

 

I say just call her. I mean aren't we all adults here after all?

[Ruby Slippers]

CALL HER. If she keeps playing these little games about not answering and calling you back on her schedule, just move on, because she's not that interested in you, and it's just going to be a PITA.

[SoThatHappened]

Alright. Mystique I get how that would kill attraction. Thank you for the insight.

 

So, the consensus is that I should call. What do I say if she answers or if I likely get her voicemail?

 

I'm about 50/50 now on either calling or doing nothing at all. I have nothing invested but in my mind shes worth giving a shot. She really is a great girl and i haven't come across many lately.

[Mystique01]

Alright. Mystique I get how that would kill attraction. Thank you for the insight.

 

So, the consensus is that I should call. What do I say if she answers or if I likely get her voicemail?

 

I'm about 50/50 now on either calling or doing nothing at all. I have nothing invested but in my mind shes worth giving a shot. She really is a great girl and i haven't come across many lately.

 

How about saying what Sunlight told you to say (upthread)? Whether you get her live or her vm, just say : "hey, hope you're doing well. Just wanted to let you know that that I'm going to x,y,z on Saturday night and wanted to know if you'd like to join me...I'd like to take you out again"

 

It's simple really. I like this approach because it's simple, you're not asking her why she didn't call or wondering about that (the guilt trip will put anyone on edge), you're not ASSUMING she's lost interest in you (which is a major attraction killer btw,and will make you look like you're not confident in what you have to offer her) and you're being confident in stating that you're basically doing x,y,z on Saturday night, but that you would enjoy her company. It shows a lot of confidence.

 

I swear, I feel like sometimes men don't realize just how attractive they can be and how much power they can have over a woman when he is confident, sure of himself, and has a plan. A woman loves a man with a plan! Especially in the beginning. Most women like to know that a guy can lead, can protect, can provide. These are all extremely attractive to a woman. Even if I was on the fence about a guy, if he called me up, took the initiative, and said he'd like to take me out Saturday night to go have fun....I'd be open to his offer, SIMPLY because he seemed so sure of himself! We women realize that it takes guts for a man to risk rejection and ask a woman out, so if a man is doing that, he is automatically going to look more attractive than a man who's just letting things up to chance, or a man who's just waiting for me to chase him. My respect immediately goes up for a man who takes the initiative, as opposed to one who is too afraid to go for it. My interest would honestly start to wane on a guy (even one I REALLY liked and was crushing on! )if he never made a move on me, as opposed to one who I'm lukewarm about who actually makes the move. Guys don't realize that just the very act of you making the move alone makes you more attractive!

 

I could see if you've been calling and texting her and she's been giving you the brush off. Then I would say just forget her. But right now it's too difficult to tell what's going on here. Put an end to the ambiguity and just go for it lol! Even if she rejects you, at least she would have respect for you.

 

Let the ball be in her court. I mean, just judging from the date you two had (if you're explaining it truthfully) she must have had some interest in you if you both blurted out at the same time "we should do this again! ".....or whatever it was that got blurted out lol.

 

At least if you call you have a definite answer, and she will know that you don't just view her as a "friend".

 

 

But seriously guys, confidence (not cockiness or arrogance) is highly attractive. I'm so flabbergasted at how many men take themselves out of the running by not even trying with a woman. Like I said, if she's flaky, then forget her. She wasn't worth it anyway. And it usually has nothing to do with you personally.

 

Just go for it.

[SoThatHappened]

hey, hope you're doing well. Just wanted to let you know that that I'm going to x,y,z on Saturday night and wanted to know if you'd like to join me...I'd like to take you out again

 

Left a voicemail with exactly that. We'll see what happens.

[KatZee]

This stuff drives me insane. Seriously, I do not know ONE male friend of mine who is this fickle. But through others and my own experiences, women are like this often. It's scary to me because I know what I want, I dont get all wishy washy especially after talking the talk like im all interested. But women tend to go hot and cold over the slightest things and it sends something good spiraling into the abyss.

 

OP, my money is on the bus.

 

Every single guy I've attempted to date via online dating has done this to me. It's not just a woman thing.

 

I think it's an online thing. People don't view others as actual human beings. Just disposable "things" that are interchangeable.

 

Big reason why I dumped the online dating and refuse to go back.

[lilmissjava]

Curiosity killed the cat.