left me for him?

[Buckeyeguy]

I am going to vent a little here as it helps with relieving some stress and frustration. Ill try and keep it short, and I already know what to do with my sitution, but would like your opinion on the matter just to make sure i'm doing the right thing here based off what I know throughout our relationship, and any advice you may have to help and if you have been through something similar would be greatly appreciated.

 

Well to start off I was dating a woman for 9 months, and it was long distance, but we were planning on moving to the same city together here very shortly to work on our relationship to see how it would be when we are close together. To start from the begging, its your usual relationship, there are fireworks and butterflies and everyone is having fun being happy. The first 4 months were great, we took trips to visit each other and took spontaneous trips to other places as well, and like everyone usually says, we just had this connection emotionally and physically, and I truly believed it because I truly have not felt this was about someone before, and at first I wanted to make sure it wasn't just lust because this girl was gorgeous! I mean 12/10!!.

 

We had a great time together and I did everything a good BF is supposed to do, by treating her right. In my past I used to be a pushover, I used to be needy and clingy and treat women like I was their maid and that was a big turnoff for all women lol.. But I learned over the years of dating how not to be and how to be with women. I didn't act needy with her, didn't act clingy, gave her space and allowed her to come to me at her own pace and didnt pressure her and eventually she brought up the label of BG/GF which is what is supposed to happen.

 

So we became official now, and with being distant its tough, so me being a good BF i would create dates via skype because we were long distance, and she even loved it that I was doing all kinds of things different to try and get to know her personally and overall get to know her and not act like I didnt care, cause I dont play games. everything was going great until she came out to see me where I was at, and she had told me her and her friend went on a dating site to see if a guy would give them free food, at first I was kinda jealous and insecure just because my old feelings from the past were popping up but I didnt want to be that way again, so I had to trust her in doing the right thing so I said for them to have fun and we jokingly talked about it.

 

Well when she comes to see where im at, and she tells me about it and how she found an ex on there and they just talked, and that he asked to meet for coffee or what have you and catch up. She said she didnt want to because she felt that its wrong to do so and just didnt know. Well were driving the next day and shes on her phone texting non-stop, back and forth, smiling, laughing, as soon as she got a text, boom!! she replied instantly, so I asked who she was talking to and she said some other guy from this dating site she met, and I was kind of pissed because she didnt tell me, and I asked her how come she didnt tell me she was talking to this guy or got his number and her response was she felt she didnt have to tell me. Well I was pretty pissed off, and to me im not dumb, she hid him until I asked, and im betting would have kept it that way until I brought it up, and she kept texting all the time and it bugged me until we fought about it and she said I was too jealous and insecure and that he was just a friend.

 

Im not sure after talking on a dating website you constitute someone being a friend that quick. Well looking back I was naive and delusional because she was hot and we had amazing chemistry and sex, so I said I need to trust her I guess. Well as the months go on we were still in long distance and she was about to take a trip, and I get a call from her one day expressing how she has so much going on in her life, with now starting her life in a sense because she started kind of late. Short story about that, is that when she was in her teens her mom died and its affected her ever since so she has depression about that and uses that alot when we talk. Well she says she has alot going on right now, and that we should break-up until we move to the same city together, and not be on a break because its a grey area and she didnt want that limbo feeling, and I wasnt about the break or breakup and told her I dont do those, Its either your in or your out, and we didnt even really specify what is was we were doing after we got off the phone, and I was pissed, like wtf?!? Why does she wants to break-up when shes going on a trip. She used the lines of that she has alot going on in her life, her family has some problems, and all that jazz, and it made me incredibly suspicious as too why we need to breakup? because she doesnt want the stress of a relationship while shes gone? it made no sense to me and I was confused, my mind was clouded and couldnt think straight. She said she loves and me and wants to live in the same area and then start back up dating, and that she wouldnt be mad if i was with another girl but that when it came time to move that I had to dump the girl if i was ever with one. I told her I dont want another girl, I want to work on us. But she goes on her trip, being very lovey dovey with me everyday, says she misses me and loves me and cant wait to be with me and sending me pictures of where shes at all that. I loved it because I thought she was truly missing me and couldnt wait to be with me. Sometimes we would skype if she had time, and we both were infatuated with one another and just the love was so strong between us. It was an amazing feeling to have at that time, but I couldt get the nagging feeling and this feeling in my gut to go away. Like something was wrong, something didnt seem right. I just started having this gut feeling after the dating site crap and that guy.

 

So when she gets back we meet up, she tells me about the ex she told me about earlier that wanted to meet up for coffee and catch up and how he said some things about how he thought she was beautiful and how she didn't want to meet up now with him at all because of that, and I asked about the other guy and she said he hasn't really talked to her nor her to him.

 

Well later on were in our room where we are staying, and he text her again, saying "hey you", and she ignored him the previous day, but she saw it, showed me, then threw her phone on the bed and said to me "make love to me".. It was weird, we weren't even in the mood or trying to get in the mood per say, and her actions of doing that threw me off, like why do that after this dude texted you?. Threw me off but I just pushed it aside. Well after were done she gets really excited and ancey to want her phone, she says I really want my phone and this was because I told her that we should leave our phones for the night and be with each other and she tried to say all kinds of things to want to get her phone and then I agreed and she gave me mine and then went for hers quickly!! It just made me think she wanted it because she ignored this guy for two days and really wanted to text him in my opinion.

 

Well im pissed , so its what ever. Were having amazing sex, and im being really delusional. Fast forward a month, were long distance again, she tells me a text he sent her jokingly saying "when are you gonna dump your BF and come be with me?". and in my head im wondering why the hell is she still talking to this dude, I told her straight up and stood up for myself that this dude is disrespecting me and our relationship by saying that, you are enabling him to keep texting you and saying all kinds of things to you without any repercussions and you are sending the wrong kind of signals to him because one you met him on a dating site, two, you keep texting him when hes talking to you about god knows what and I brought it to her attention how I felt uncomfortable about it and talked to her like an adult and not fight, because to me fighting does not solve anything and its pointless. Well she was like, yea ok I wont talk to him anymore, hes not really being that great of a friend anyway..and in my head I want to yell and say hes only befriending you to get in your pants!!! and then she ask what made me bring this up because we fought about this guy before and I told her I didnt want to jump the gun and start fighting with you and thought I needed some time to think about this situation and how I would react because I didnt want to react harshly and say things to her that could be the end of us, so I brought it up now to talk after sometime to think.

 

Well she proceeds to get real mad at me and all this and threatens to end us because im so jealous and insecure about some guy. But to me its not some guy, its a guy that she is letting into her life and our relationship and he is wiggling his way in to try and get her, and I guess when she said to him that she cant speak to him anymore he got really mad at her. Well I told her why, and thats because he wanted to try and get in your pants and because you said no my BF doesnt like it and he took offense cause you were giving him the wrong signals. So shes mad and really pissed at me for bringing it up again, but I have the right to as the fact that this guy is not a friend, and she said she gets along better with guys than girls and thats ok, im not one to say who you can and cant hang out with. I told her before its cool you got guy friends, but when you start making new guy friends, especially from a dating site and your naive to believe them and not stand up for our relationship, than thats an issue. When you cross boundaries thats when I have a problem, and she has crossed them, only to tell me I have nothing to worry about.

 

So during our time together she also starts saying things about what she wants to do for a certain day and where she wants to go, and im listening going ok, thats cool, im on board with it, but the places she wants to go, are the places where this dude has lived. I looked him up on facebook and saw the places he lived and what he does, well she doesnt know this and she says she wants to go this state and this place within the state and all that, and its the exact same state, and i just asked questions, not interrogation questions, but questions to prod more and she finally opens up that she was going to use this guys cabin and basically "use" him just for that and he wouldnt be there, just her... ya fu$#(@! right.. total BS in my opinion. I start to feel the jealousy and anger and all that build up and ask her again, why she didnt bring this to my attention, and her response was that she didnt feel like she needed to and didnt need to tell me everything she does or talks about with people. Well im ok with her not telling me everything she does cause then thats controlling. When im in a committed relationship, and lets say I start talking to a girl and get her number, Ill let my GF know that way she knows im trustworthy, and let her know who she is and what were talking about so my GF feels like im trustworthy and loyal and she has nothing to worry about. My GF never really told me all of what they were talking about, only gross things she says, potty humor and probably sexual stuff too. Im not that dumb.

 

Well im more pissed now, cause shes hiding things from me, saying she cant tell me things because of how insecure I get...well im acting this way by what shes doing.. There was a time we went out one night and had dinner, we were sitting drinking, and she is watching this guy hit on all these girls and she looks at a girl and says to me, "shes got nice legs and body, but thank god shes got an ugly face or id be jealous"?!?.. like wtf? why would say something like that.. and then proceeds to tell me "hey go to the bathroom real quick to see if he hits on me". well my drunk butt did it not thinking cause I had been drinking, and when I got to the bathroom I looked at myself and wondered why I did that.. it hurt, and I felt disrespected..but because shes hot and I wanted her to love me and brushed it off.

 

well after that and the next few months I noticed her slowly distancing herself, becoming hot and cold, and i knew something was up and I talked to her about it, asking whats going on, I want to talk and understand what shes going through because im supportive of her and encourage her. She says shes going through a really rough time right now, missing her mom, and that she hasnt even had a career and starting late because she stopped going to school after her mom died then picked back up a few years later. When ever things get rough or what have you, she said she pushes people away, she shuts them out..and she did that alot to me, I was there for her, took care of her and wanted to help even from a distance, and she said she doesnt like talking on the phone about her problems because its not in person, and I understand that, I give her the space she needs, I dont chase after her, I tell her im there for her and want to be there for her because thats what a good BF does, but she wasnt having it. She would always shut me out, not want to talk about things, and it made me mad, like I know were in long Distance but you got to make an effort on this relatinship, and she said sorry, she will..blah blah blah... I knew she was drifting away, I didnt chase or keep asking questions, just saw the train coming and step to the side and hoped she would understand what shes doing.

 

And how I knew she was distancing herself and knew something big was coming was the fact that she stopped saying I love you, or any terms of endearment, wouldnt say anything about "us" or "we", only selfish things about her and what she wants. She stopped talking about our plans we had to move, she would go silent for a few days then reach out to me like a friend and I knew it, I knew what was going on, but was hoping she would change or something would smack her and say wake up. She kept wavering back and forth, deceiving, lying, manipulating me and saying what I wanted to hear. She started to pick fights for no reason, and I knew what was up, it was her was of justifying her guilt of something, to find flaws in me or us. I would talk to her about anything, and boom, she would flip out on me and eventually i flipped out on her and couldnt take it, I asked what is the plan, what do you want?. She said shes going through a rough time right now, doesnt know what she wants, if she wants to stay on the career path she is on or be a vet, and she never brought up the idea of being a vet to me, adn when she said that, the other guy she supposedly stopped talking to came up in my head because he used to work at vat clinic. but she said that she wants to date me when we move, that she just needs to focus on her right now, because shes going to be moving from family and friends and she has sick deathly ill family, so I understand it a little, its a big transition in her life. Ive done it and I know the feeling. But my gut kept saying, that doesnt seem like its everything or the whole truth. So we got off the phone, but I felt like she was talking to this guy again, but I didnt bring it up because it was only pushing her away more and I didnt want to seem insecure.

 

It wasnt until one day a week later, I get "the call". She supposedly went up to visit her friends a few hours away, but wouldnt have service where she was at and would contact me in two days when she was on her way back. I said cool, tty then. Well the next day was "the call". I couldnt answer since I was busy and said I would call her later tonight when im home, she said ok.

 

I get home and say lets talk, but she said later shes with her family, ok. Well she text me saying shes tired because she had to leave early from her friends place cause they had to leave, i cant say the exact reasons because its personal but I felt like she was lying. Almost like she didnt want to talk because maye she went to the guys place, and it would have been the first time they met and hung out, or maybe they have hung out before and i just dont know, but she said we will talk tomorrow about it, and im like ok whatever.

 

Well the next day comes, dont hear from her all day, I text her that night to say hey whats up lets talk. She says im not gonna like what she has to say blah blah blah.. and she calls and says she doesnt want to work on us anymore, has so much going on and doesnt know what she wants anymore, saying she sees a future with me and loves me and is devastated to lose me from her life , and in my mind, its like, if you see a future with me then why are you breaking up with me?. She says we were already technically broken up since we took " a break" a few weeks prior so she could concentrate on herself and her family and friends. I ask her if there was another guy and to be truthful and she says no, and that her dad even told her thats what I would say, and she says i can believe her or not but its thr truth and she goes on to say she doesnt even want to work on things in the new city with me in case she wants to come back home or wherever cause if she fails she wants fail alone and not use me as a crutch there, and wants to be able to hangout with friends there and not spend every minute with me, and that living with me is scary. She brought up living together and I said lets wait and live separately and move in when we feel its right to do and not just because of our circumstances and make sure its what we feel. And i never pressured her for anything, never asked for anything, only being loving and supportive and only wanting to work on us and progress and she says sorry for doing this to you, I love you and I just dont know what I want and I dont want to string you along when I dont know what I want and not be able to give me her all to the relationship and the cliche line "its not you its me", and she said it really is her, and i said your a commitment phobe and she said has issues with commitment and commit to anything, or maybe thats the excuse cause her she wanted commitment from her ex BF but he cheated on her. Shes been cheated on in the past, so I dont know if her past relationships and her mom dying have anything to do with this, maybe a little, but in my mind it seems like this dude re-appeared again and she said she doesnt know what to do with these feelings shes feeling and that we cant work on us, and that she wants to be friends, and remain friends in the future too which i declined, and said I only want you romantically and as your lover and man and to give me a call if you change your mind, then I walked away.

 

She didint think I was serious because she texted me two weeks later seeing that i removed her from social media and all that, and said she didnt know that were never going to speak again and asked if i wanted to speak to her again and i responded by what I said the first time, I only want you romantically not friendship, and being friends and talking is not good for me and I dont want that and I want to heal. She respected that and we havnt talked since. Its been 5 weeks no contact, and in my mind im doing indefinite contact. I have a huge gut feeling she left me for ol dude because she was going hot a cold with me and then to say she didnt want to work on us anymore because she doesnt know what she wants? its bananas...and could only mean there was a guy waiting in the wings even if she declined it. I know she has issues, my mind is still clouded to see what else is there and looking here to see if you see anything else, I see that she may have some form of commitment issues, a little narcissistic traits, BPD, and her just being outright selfish to not commit to me and have her cake and eat it too while having the benefits of a relationship and acting single at the same time. Its always tough when you love someone and think they feel the same way and you start to see all these signs and red flags, I should have ended it with her sooner, but because I loved her and wanted things to be different i stayed and look where im at. but im not dewlling, in strong enough to move on from someone like this. She said I was the best BF shes ever had, and the longest relationship shes had, and I could onlyl imagine why? she said she did cheat one, but that was because him and her stopped talking..and in my mind i was like.. oh you mean how you stopped talking to me and became distant?.. ya thats probably what happened, and she wonders why guys get the way they get with her, by acting jealous, insecure and controlling. I dont act like that anymore, but even alpha males can feel that when a woman is crossing boundaries, a real alpha male stands up for himself, doesnt allow people or their S/O to walk all over them, and thats what I did to her, i stood up for myself told her how it is, and im moving on and walking away.

 

Sorry for the long rant, there were alot of red flags in this relationship, and im not going back, dont want to, too much stress on me and my gut hurt all the time with her, and I knew for a reason it did. Shes not the one, and she has taught me what to look for and not be with. I love her dearly, and want her to be happy, im not a person who wishes harm or bad karma on someone, just want her to be happy with or without me and have a good fulfilling life.

 

let me know what you guys see or if you have ever been through something like this before.

[casey.lives]

say what you have to say... and get out of the way. MOVE ON!!!!