ayeshau Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Over the summer I met a guy that is an engineer in the navy and he was extremely unlike any of I've dated before. I've been cheated on multiple times and tend to gravitate towards douchebags, and this guy was so sweet and nice and has an amazing heart, we spent all summer together and started dating seriously, he wen't back to RMC this september which is 4 hours away so its long distance. I am his first girlfriend and he's extremely attached, and he would always tell me I'm the purpose of his life, which was sweet, but I've constantly felt like he is starting to lose his identity and have his own life apart from our relationship. I've always wanted a man who will have his own life and though he loves me, he doesnt NEED me and his happiness is not dependent on me. I have felt this way towards him more and more and we've been dating for about 4 months now but I just don't feel i can keep it going. I really dont like that about him and the fact that its long distance makes it even worse because I've never been a fan of long distance. I've actually tried multiple times these four months to break up but he would cry or beg to me take him back, calling a hundred times, and I'd feel guilty and go back, which I know was wrong but he really is a good person and I hate to see him hurt. But yesterday I told him how I feel and that I don't want to be in the relationship, that I just need to be single and he started puking and crying, I'm not sure how he was actually vomitting, but he cried and begged and kept trying to talk me out of it. This morning he called again asking to give him another chance, saying he can change and whatnot, and I told him he shouldnt change, that a lot of women will appreciate him, but he's not the one for me, and i told him I'm still choosing to be single, and he started drinking body wash in front of me and telling me he doesnt need to live life anymore. It kills me to see a really good man like this, I'm almost trying to convince myself to suck it up and stay with him so he doesnt hurt himself, but then I'm not doing either of us a favour. Can someone please offer some insight? Or maybe just tell me what I need to hear. I cant tell anyone about this because I dont want to tell anyone he attempted this.
LoveRefreshed Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 You've made the fatal mistake of giving into someone's pleading and begging to keep you. Don't feel responsible for anyone's happiness, it's too much pressure. Don't feel guilty for their response to you breaking up with them. Heart ache sucks, but it's not the end of the world and it's not your responsibility. Break up with him, give him avenues of support (numbers to therapists, information on coping) if you want, and then go NC. Block him from all social media and his phone number. It's for his own good. 1
kismetkismet Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Do not go back to him based on suicidal threats.. you are not helping EITHER of you by doing this. He needs serious help, not just a bandaid to cover over his pain or something to fixate on to distract him (you). If anything enabling that behaviour would be preventing him from actually healing. Unfortunately as his ex girlfriend you can't really provide too much personal support. However I would try to get a support system going around him if you can. Let his family and friends know what's going on, and do your best to make sure that he gets into therapy. I know that it's hard to tell people about that, and he may not appreciate it at first, but in this situation sometimes it just has to happen. One of my ex-boyfriends started teetering on the edge of sanity like this a while back. He was threatening his life, saying i was the ONLY person he could talk to (this is very manipulative behaviour by the way, even if they don't realize that they are doing it), that he couldn't go on without me etc. He also would hang around outside my apartment sometimes and follow my friends and I. I ended up calling the police and telling them and they went and checked on him.. at first he was furious with me and I felt terrible about it.. But it shocked his dad and friends into realizing how serious the situation was. a couple of months later they noticed warning signs and called the police themselves, who found him in his apartment with a gun pointed at his head.. Now a few years later he has moved back to a small town and has a wife and baby. We are not in contact at all, but he seems better. What I'm trying to say is that.. don't be afraid to tell his 'secret' to people that can actually help him. As his ex girlfriend and one of the sources of his pain, and the thing that he has decided to project all of his energy/purpose/pain onto, you can't really productively help him. He may be upset initially, but in the long run it's the only way to help him.. he needs professional help. 1
BC1980 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 He is wrong to guilt you into staying with him. He is wrong to threaten suicide if you leave. You have the right to leave the relationship. Does he have any family that can help him? If he is going to these lengths to get you to stay, he needs help. But you can't be the one to help him. 1
oberkeat Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 There's nothing that can kill a woman's attraction faster than that kind of obsession. He sounds extremely pathetic and selfish. End the relationship, and don't let any amount of crying and whining talk you out of it. 2
Ic1 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 He is NOT a good man anymore. It was his choice to do these things to get you to stay with him, and he cannot love you anymore. This is because his intentions aren't for your happiness, but him wanting a girlfriend. (His benefit, not yours). He does need help, but not from you. You only have to inform those that can help him that he needs it. His family. If he tries to pulls this card on you again, call 911 on the spot. 2
Ami1uwant Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 With him being suicidal could cost his career. When did this clingy thing start? Why do you date military? They get deployed all the time...his creating long distance. What did you say yo him about this before the break up? Did you tell him the problems he was causing? 1
mystikmind2005 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Unfortunately suicide is a serious problem, he needs to speak to a professional, and there are usually plenty of suicide hotlines. nothing stopping you calling one of them and asking for advice! 2
Satu Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 He's trying to make you feel responsible for him, when you're not, and shouldn't be. What do you get when you put someone who tends to be irresponsible, together with someone who tends to be overly responsible? Problems... Thats what you get...
lilmissjava Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I am a suicide survivor and believe me, the years after had everyone questioning "why?" And we will never ever know. The fact is, his tendencies do not have anything to do with you and have everything to do with him. No one can be blamed or at fault for someone else acting upon their own free will. The other posters here are right in you offering him the support by way of information and mental health networks and it will be up to him to seek that assistance. Some men, do not freely talk about intense emotions which are creating this bottleneck in his life. With the right avenues presented to him, he may be able to get the treatment he needs. As an aside to my post, my ex did this several times to me. Threatened to end his life if I left. Since I lived through this previouslly with someone else, I approached someone in his family and brought forth my genuine concern because they all knew that I had experienced this before. When his family had talked to him, he then told me he would never do that and he had too much to live for. He found someone else ane is no longer a concern for me. 1
Myragal Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Huh? If there is a suicidal male...unless your son, don't go anywhere near him! Leading cause of murder ...males killing themselves AFTER killing girlfriend, wife, ex spouse, etc. Tell him not to contact you again. If he does, call the military college and ask speak to his commanding officer.
mystikmind2005 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Huh? If there is a suicidal male...unless your son, don't go anywhere near him! Leading cause of murder ...males killing themselves AFTER killing girlfriend, wife, ex spouse, etc. Tell him not to contact you again. If he does, call the military college and ask speak to his commanding officer. I don't know where you get your information? Wikipedia mentions only 5% of homicides result in suicide afterward. The vast majority of people who commit suicide do not murder anyone.
Myragal Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 (edited) I don't know where you get your information? Wikipedia mentions only 5% of homicides result in suicide afterward. The vast majority of people who commit suicide do not murder anyone. I don't know where you learned literacy. Reread what I wrote. I didn't say the vast majority of suicides murder anyone or that most killers commit suicide. Again, I repeat. Have nothing to do with a mentally disturbed partner or ex partner that is suicidal. Edited November 5, 2015 by Myragal
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 If you honestly think he's going to kill himself, keep him on the phone with you & use another phone to call 9-11. Get somebody to put him in a psych hold. He won't be happy but he'll be alive. If you know his parents or have a way to contact them, let them know about his threats. Suicidal threats should be taken seriously in that you need to get professionals involved. They should not be blackmail to get you to stay. If you can do the tough love thing, tell him that he needs help. Tell him you wish him well but all of his dramatics mean you need get away from him. You do wish him well but you can't help him & needs to seek a professional because he appears to be a danger to himself. 1
Omei Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Op sometimes when people are made upset and hear such depressing news it can make us sick, when my ex broke up with me I remember crying so hard I would vomit my heart dropped into my gut and I was nauseous with his choice like your ex prob is with yours. Anyway sometimes people do crazy things out of desperation to stay with someone I remember pulling the suicide card on a boyfriend back when I was a young teen, like your ex first relationship. Op cut contact he will be okay he needs you to cut contact to move on he really does love you of course your his first he doesnt want that to end since hes at this level of desperation its the kindest thing you could do because hes going to search for hope from you until you stop talking to him. Once he has time and is over you he will look back on his threat with embarrassment trust me, I did, he will learn that it doesn't do anything good. Cut contact. Now if he ever was to harm himself none of that would be your fault you have a right to the choice you made any self harm would be because he was unstable to begin with and has a whole set of problems that have got nothing to do with you.
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