Firestarter1069 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 So it's been awhile since I've been on here, but alas I'm back with some advice that I received on here that I should have heeded to. DON'T REMAIN FRIENDS WITH AN EX!!! My situation is too much to explain so I will just say the following. After my ex broke up with me we went through a period of NC. Well after that we ended up staying friends. Hung out a few times, went on a few day trips together, and pretty much communicate on a daily basis. Well recently I found out that she is back to dating the guy she dated 4-5 years ago before she met me. Unfortunately for me we have a trip planned for this weekend, a day trip, which involved a pretty big chunk of change to plan and it's too late to cancel. She told me if I wanted to take someone else she would understand. Well it's too late for me to find a replacement and she still wants to go. With that being said we are still going. Even though I still have some feelings for her I was not trying to reconcile our relationship by remaining friends however like EVERYONE on here told me remaining friends with an ex is the WRONG thing to do. Especially when you find out the news I did just a few days ago. So I will go on this trip, have a good time, then pretty much tell her that even though I thought I could do it remaining friends might be too much for me to comprehend right now.
Silver_star Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 How long was your period of NC before you decided to be friends and communicate on a daily basis? I have BEST friends that I don't communicate with on a daily basis. That was not a good idea, and definitely is obvious that at least ONE of you have feelings or think you will get back together.
Silver_star Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I went on a trip after my ex broke up with me and the only reason I was able to have a good time is because I was in denial. I felt alone even in his company sometimes. I brought up my frustrations with him on the trip a few time and he could not be swayed, and did not feel the same as me. It was just a sad reality. It makes it hard to enjoy yourself fully. I hope you are able to have a good time on a trip with your ex who you have feelings for, power to you, but word of warning...its going to hurt you building these new memories with her that afterwards you need to try to bury again with NC so you can heal.
Author Firestarter1069 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 How long was your period of NC before you decided to be friends and communicate on a daily basis? I have BEST friends that I don't communicate with on a daily basis. That was not a good idea, and definitely is obvious that at least ONE of you have feelings or think you will get back together. It was about 4-5 months until we hung out again. There was very limited contact during that time as we work in the same building so all out NC was pretty much unavoidable.
Author Firestarter1069 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 I went on a trip after my ex broke up with me and the only reason I was able to have a good time is because I was in denial. I felt alone even in his company sometimes. I brought up my frustrations with him on the trip a few time and he could not be swayed, and did not feel the same as me. It was just a sad reality. It makes it hard to enjoy yourself fully. I hope you are able to have a good time on a trip with your ex who you have feelings for, power to you, but word of warning...its going to hurt you building these new memories with her that afterwards you need to try to bury again with NC so you can heal. I understand that fully. As I type this we are talking to each other now via text which I'm fine with. Keeping the lines of communication open before the trip may help with any awkwardness that may happen during the 3 hour ride to the destination and back.
Shock148 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Definitely was a bad move on your part to remain friends after breakup. I went NC with my ex for about a year until I decided to stop the NC and contact her. I told her we can be friends and I wished her well, but when she brought up the idea of hanging out with her I said maybe one day we will. I didn't say no, but I didnt say yes because she is in a relationship right now. Nothing good can happen if you still have feelings for your ex. What if a conversation about her boyfriend comes up and shes telling you all the things he has done for her or the trips they went on together? Or what if he calls her and tells you to give her a second and answers the phone saying I love you and Hi baby and all of this stuff while you are just there listening? No thanks, I can be cordial with my exes, but if they have a boyfriend I would never be a friend in a sense of hanging out with them. Only if they are single would I do that. Anyway, just try to have fun and try to flirt with other females you find attractive on your trip. Do something to make you have a good time.
mightycpa Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 My advice would be to hook up with a girl, any girl, the moment you get there. Enlist her help if you need to. Once you've secured a girl, ask your ex not to be a 3rd wheel. Maybe you'll have some fun after all. It's either that, or see if you can bang her for the duration of the trip, and send her back to her ex fully sullied while you go cry in your beer and start purging her from your system all over again. Or Door #3, which is to be her gay friend equivalent while you sightsee and enjoy the local sights. First idea sounds a lot better than the rest, right?
Author Firestarter1069 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Did she tell you she is dating her ex? Not directly. How she worded it was her current situation disapproves of her going with me. I do know however over the past 2-3 months she's been spending a lot more time with him.
Author Firestarter1069 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 I guess what irks me most about this situation is back in July we were at a wedding, not together, it was a mutual friends wedding so we were both invited. We did however end up hanging out with each other the whole night. I even ended up crashing at her place....nothing happened. Before we went to bed we discussed "us" for the first time since we went back to being friends and she told me 2 things. 1. Some people can't be alone, but she is one person that can be. 2. A lot of her is telling her we should be together but she doesn't want to end up hurting me again if something happens with her mindset again. I guess my thinking on this is apparently these 2 things meant....I will be back with my ex in 3-4 months.
makemineamac Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I have to ask: Why is it too late to find a replacement? Is there actually nobody who could go on this trip with you? I bet there is. And I think you need to ask that person to go, and then let her know. I just can't see this as being a healthy exercise for either one of you. She's looking after her needs, you need to look after yours. Find someone else to go. Really.
Author Firestarter1069 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 I have to ask: Why is it too late to find a replacement? Is there actually nobody who could go on this trip with you? I bet there is. And I think you need to ask that person to go, and then let her know. I just can't see this as being a healthy exercise for either one of you. She's looking after her needs, you need to look after yours. Find someone else to go. Really. I just realized I had a typo. Original post should have said day trip AFTER this weekend. Monday to be exact. I don't know anybody else who is off or can take off on such short notice.
Silver_star Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Why did the two of you break up to begin with? Rehashing the past relationship between the two of you when there is still pain about the past, will do nothing. It is an vicious hurt cycle. I've been there before. It seems like she has trouble letting go of her past (you) and the memories and life she built with you because its an investment and its hard to let go of that , but has committed to having someone else in her future besides you. If someone is not HELL YES about the relationship happening...they are HELL NO. Their motivation to not be with you, is stronger than their motivation to get back together.
Author Firestarter1069 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Why did the two of you break up to begin with? Rehashing the past relationship between the two of you when there is still pain about the past, will do nothing. It is an vicious hurt cycle. I've been there before. It seems like she has trouble letting go of her past (you) and the memories and life she built with you because its an investment and its hard to let go of that , but has committed to having someone else in her future besides you. If someone is not HELL YES about the relationship happening...they are HELL NO. Their motivation to not be with you, is stronger than their motivation to get back together. I will be as brief as possible. We only dated for 8-9 months but we were best friends for almost 2 years before we started dating. We were very good together, no fights at all. She brought up us moving in together and when the month of the moving date began that's when she sorta freaked out in her head. Her past 2 relationships before me ended with her being cheated on and I'm certain this was the reason for her cutting the relationship off. She told me we can't live together and that she wasn't sure what was going on in her head. I believe she was worried we would end up in the same boat as her 2 previous long term relationships. I still don't get why she went back to this guy. When I asked her a few months into our relationship what went wrong with them she said he cheated on me, twice, and there is no way she would ever end up back with him...oh well such is life I guess.
Shock148 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I guess what irks me most about this situation is back in July we were at a wedding, not together, it was a mutual friends wedding so we were both invited. We did however end up hanging out with each other the whole night. I even ended up crashing at her place....nothing happened. Before we went to bed we discussed "us" for the first time since we went back to being friends and she told me 2 things. 1. Some people can't be alone, but she is one person that can be. 2. A lot of her is telling her we should be together but she doesn't want to end up hurting me again if something happens with her mindset again. I guess my thinking on this is apparently these 2 things meant....I will be back with my ex in 3-4 months. With my experience, when an ex tells you that she doesnt want to end up hurting you again if you got back together, that means that most likely you guys wont be together. She knows in her mind and heart that if she got back together she will do things to hurt you like either getting bored and wanting to leave again or doing things that will hurt you like flirt or even cheat with other guys. I am not saying your thinking is wrong, but I wouldnt think that you will eventually get back to her. Also, she flat out says that her current situation disapproves of her going. That means she is thinking about the other guy and his feelings and most likely is comforting him saying that nothing will happen between myself and my ex (if she even mentions to him that you are an ex) and that you too are just friends. She just wants to go on a trip because its a trip and people love traveling and going on trips to have fun. She has already pegged you into the friend zone and will treat you like a good friend but nothing more. I would try my best to find a replacement and tell her she cant go. Invite a friend, a sibling, someone but not her.
Shock148 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 On top of that she chooses the cheating ex boyfriend over you. She chose another man over you that caused her pain but she still forgave him again and wants to be with him. Do you know what that means? That means she is still in love with her ex and is not in love with you. She sees you as a friend honestly and someone she cares for, but not someone she sees herself with.
Silver_star Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I would say if its just a day trip...go by yourself. Now might be the perfect time to get away. Go on Tinder and meet some locals if you are there over night or just have some time to yourself. Inviting her along was a mistake. It is also weird she is going with her now ex (you) while dating someone else. If I were her current bf I wouldn't be cool with that either. She doesn't seem to have regard for anyone elses feelings but her own. Must be nice.
greenleaves54 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Well that sounds like a horrible trip to be honest. I would go with someone else. Ask your mum maybe? Going with ANYONE sounds better than with your ex. Being friends was a mistake. I would just end that farce right now and not wait until after the trip.
dumbass2 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Do not go. Stop doing things with her and stop being her friend. This is not what you want. Spending time with her now, especially a little trip, will cause you nothing but heart ache and pain and it will not go well. You need to stop being her friend because this is all SHE wants with you. Don't make excuses as to why she has to go with you. No she doesn't. 1
BC1980 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I would not go on the trip unless she agrees not to come or you can find someone else. I went on a trip with my ex after we broke up because plane tickets had already been purchased. We ended up staying in different places, but it wasn't a great trip. It was just sad and depressing when it should have been a great time. Being friends is a bad idea. I tried that as well, and I later found out he had started dating someone else at some point. 1
Author Firestarter1069 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 So I went on the trip after all. To my shock we had an excellent time. Turns out I was misinformed about her "being with" this guy. Not so much misinformed but misread the information I received. On our way home she mentioned to me that her and this guy hang out, which I knew, and that he had expressed interest in them getting back together. In fact she told me he was 100% against her going on this trip. She also mentioned that in the days leading up to the trip her current situation is no longer a situation. When I asked what that meant she asked me if I remember what her biggest turn off is to which I said jealousy. Her response was, "Exactly." As we were nearing her house she asked me if I wanted to come in and crash since it was late and she didn't want me driving home since I drove all day. So we go to her place but stopped for some late night take out at a place down the street from her. After we ate we decided we weren't that tired so she put a movie in and we sat and talked during it. She begins making future plans for us to go back to where we at in the upcoming weeks/months. During the movie we both ended up passing out. After waking up in the early afternoon I decided that it was time for me to leave. As I'm leaving she grabs me and gives me a huge hug and tells me she had a great time and said something interesting. She tells me she had no doubt it would be a great time because it was with me. About an hour later she begins texting me all the little things about our trip all day. While I'm not reading anything into this, the trip was definitely different than what I expected.
Silver_star Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 Best of luck. I hope you get what you are looking to get out of the relationship. Looks like the rollercoaster ride with her is not over for you.
Recommended Posts