ntz Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we both feel that we're each other's soulmate. Yet, there is a crucial issue we're facing: children. I want children whether he's not sure whether he wants to have any at all. I'm 33 and he's almost 40. We're both aware that although "the clock" isn't already ticking, it won't be long before it will. I believe that he's my soulmate and the person I would love to be able to grow old with. Yet I am not sure whether my wish for a family is something I need to realize so much, that it would jeopardize our relationship, should we never have children. I also somehow believe that loving me should mean wanting to have a family with me. I don't fully understand how this can be possible. Although I must accept that there is this possibility. Now, we've discussed the problem a few times without being able to bring a final answer to it. We've agreed on trying to find one in the near future. What I fear now is that his answer will be NO, he doesn't want to have children, not now, not ever. What should I do, should he come back to me with such a reply? I believe that it's already difficult enough to find someone who matches so well but how will I really be able to cope with such a decision? Has anyone experienced a similar situation? Or knows of someone who has? What happened?
FolderWife Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 maybe you aren't soul mates after all? My husband and I...though I would NEVER call us soul mates...really love each other. We made sure that we had the same goals before we got married. Neither of us wanted kids. So...I wouldn't risk bringing a child into a home where BOTH parents didn't want it However, I do know of a woman who's husband abused her through her entire pregnancy...he didn't want the baby. She stuck it out with him, and as soon as he held that little girl, he was a changed man. I know within myself that if I end up pregnant, I WILL have the baby, and I will love it with everything in me. My husband says if I get pregnant, I will have to have an abortion....NO WAY. I told my husband that if I get pregnant, then I'll divorce him, so he won't be stuck with a child he doesn't want. If I get pregnant, the baby will come first. I'll find any way to raise it that I have to...and no husband will stand between me and my child.
Author ntz Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 Thank you for your honest reply Monday. I really appreciate it although. However, let me explain my situation and my thoughts better... I am not considering to have a child on my own/in his back. I am a true believer that a family is made of 2 parents and that it wouldn't be fair to "force" a child onto our Planet just to satisfy my wish to become a mother. My thought is actually more towards what should we, as a couple, do if we truly determine that we have such opposite wishes? Should we adjust to one another, making concessions, to make the other one happy? I am not sure that he should accept that I want children and therefore build a family with me. Nor am I certain that I should give up my wish and settle because he doesn't want any. I am really trying to understand whether having found each other is already such great luck that with or without children we should strong and united enough? I do believe that we're soulmates and I cannot imagine losing him. Neither can he. We've been able to discuss this quite openly. What I don't know - or don't have the courage to find out - is in which direction having or not having a family can be devastating?
blind_otter Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 That's really up to YOU to determine. How important is this to you? All encompassing, a lifelong goal? It's so important to me, to be a mother, than I ask any guy I start dating seriously if they want children and how many they want. It's part of the getting-to-know-you process. Have you known this for a long time, that he didn't necessarily want children?
Author ntz Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 We both knew about each other's wish, although we haven't discussed it seriously until recently. I knew that he's not too fond of children. I knew from what he said that he would rather enjoy friend's children than having his own. Yet, these were things one can also say when you see kids that are particularly lively or who lack in manners. You see, althoug I know that one should not expect the other person to change, I did believe that those where thoughts he was expressing just because he was such an old-time bachelor. I have thought/hoped that our love would also make him wish for more at some stage. On the other side, I have never denied the fact that I would like to have a family of my own some day. Whenever he would say something "aginst" kids, I would remind him that I wanted to have them. So, I think that we've tried to postpone the TALK for as long as possible and that now we have to face it. Certainly we must know what we want and stick to the decision we're going to take. I just seems to me that if it's not a natural thing, to be aligned with long-term wishes and plans, then there's something wrong and that it's best not to force it? In a way, I do already have my own answer... But the thought of losing him makes me really sad and I don't want to lose him.
blind_otter Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 ntz, denial has to be the most popular defense mechanism. You have those lovey feelings for someone but their beliefs really don't align with yours, but you turn your face away from the issue, or dance around it for months/years, until it's grown so big you run into it like a wall over and over again. Obviously this is important to you. Hopefully the two of you can come up with a creative solution. But honestly, asking someone who doesn't want kids to have them so you can be happy - is the recipie for a bad parent-child relationship, and underlying resentment that will kill a child's self-esteem.
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