Brokenhearted94 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I split up with my girlfriend of 4 years and 5 months very very recently, it is extremely fresh in my mind and my heart, so much so I have been trawling through the Internet to simply try to find something I can relate to which might slightly improve my mood. We first came into contact just after we finished secondary school, we were in the same year but never spoke at all until we left school. We entered the relationship both aged 16, this was my first and only love so everything was new and exciting. During the first few months of our relationship I seen texts on her phone from her ex boyfriend who she was with for a few years before she met me, the text's stated that she loved him and just general chat. This really angered me at the time but I was young and foolish so I didn't take to much notice of it, it made me very paranoid and there was a lot of distrust towards her but the feelings soon passed. After say 1-3 years I completely trusted her and things were going so well, she was studying I was studying, both of use were in good places and happier then ever. I was completely in love with her, would do anything for her, and we spent every day together without fail unless on the rare occasion it wasent possible to see each other. We would wit up together all night watching TV, playing video games, we even started smoking weed together, we didn't care what we were doing as long as it was together. When year 3-4 kicked in the cracks started to form, I started a new job which meant I came into contact with a lot of girls, I was always tired after finishing work and slowly I stopped making the effort when we spent time together. I am an avid gamer and any free time I got I would go home and have some time to myself, while she sat at her home waiting for me. Last summer I attended a music festival, my first ever and I enjoyed it so much, so when I came back to reality I had this overwhelming feeling of being miserable, It was the most fun I had had in years so I felt that being in my relationship was no longer happy for me. I decided to break it off with her a couple of days after I got back, which I did, I packed some of my things and left, I still remember pain in her voice and eyes when I said this fateful words, even as I am writing this now tears are rolling down my face just thinking about how I shattered her world. The next day I felt overwhelmingly sad, so much so that I was crying in work I couldent concentrate on anything all I could think of was her and how I wanted her back. So I called her and I begged her, told her I made a huge mistake and that all's I wanted was to be with her, being to amazing person that she is she took me back the next day even though I was the person who broke her heart. Things went really well for a while, but I started to slip into my old self, not making an effort, being lazy, we were only intimate maybe once a month if that. She started to become tired of my ways but didn't show it, she made all the effort, put so much in but I just couldent change the way I felt, I wasent happy, like I knew things wouldn't work out in the long run. So then, I made the decision to break up for good this time and no matter how much it hurt I had to keep my distance and not let myself be sucked back just because I missed her. This was my first time dealing with a break up and even though it was me who made the decision, I had this gut wrenching feeling I had made another mistake, crying everyday, constantly pining for her, wishing she was by my side, just wanting to hear her voice in my ear, I was a broken man. After around 2 months or so apart of pretty much no contact, we started talking again, the texts became longer and more intimate, we arranged to meet up, we had both missed each other like crazy and it felt so good just to be in her presence. Before you know it we are in bed together, this happened a few times then one night I said to her I'm not ready to let her go which really I wasent, she still meant absolutely everything to me, I thought about her until I forced myself to sleep at night, and the moment I wake up. She decided she would give me one more chance, I thought I had changed and so did she. I never deserved that chance and to be honest now I wish she never gave me it. As you can probably all tell she is completely enfatuated with me as i felt I was with her. Things became better, more intimacy, more fun and in a really good place for a few months, then the dreaded feelings came back again, how do these feelings arise if I love this girl unconditionally, she means everything to me, she was my whole life. So here we are now, she went to visit a friend for a couple of days and on the day of her return I got a text saying "we need to talk". Deep down I knew what this text meant, the beginning of the end, it wasent something she would normally say. On her return I greet her as she exits her taxi, a cold distracted look is on her face, I knew what was coming. She takes me inside and pleasantries aside we begin the talk we have both been dreading, she starts to tell me how she feels about us and about me, I realise how selfish and unthoughtful I have been, how she isint happy anymore and she thinks she would be happier without me. I knew this day would come, I just didn't want it to even though I know deep down its the best thing for us. She is such a wonderful person and deserves so much better than me, I can handle the rejection because I have no case to argue, she hasent been unreasonable or selfish, she just said what we were both thinking. We fast forward to today and she has been texting me a few times saying she misses me and just wants to see me, as I'm writing this now she is messaging me saying "I really want you to be my boyfriend even if we do t see each other as much". It just makes me even more upset, because the weird thing is I want nothing more than for her to just run into my arms, I miss her so much it's unbelievable, I just want her back. She said she wants to see me but I have to be strong and say it's just going to make things harder, it breaks my heart to know when she reads the texts she is just going to be crying and crying like I am. I genuinely from the bottom of my heart love her and only want what is best for her, I just feeleverything i do just hurts her even more. More than anything I want to be able to still be friends with her in the future and be able to talk and stuff, I cannot even imagine her with another man, I think that would destroy me with the way I am feeling now. I don't even know what replays to expect, I know some will say I have been horrible, and they are right, she is such a beautiful person and will go so much further without me. Can we be friends?
mightycpa Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 It sounds like nothing really makes you happy, doesn't it? You're not happy when you're with her, you're not happy when both of you miss each other, and you won't be happy if she finds somebody else. I'm almost betting that if you find someone else, you won't be happy with that either, but I'm not sure what other options you have.
PegNosePete Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 The other option - and the only sensible one - is to cut contact with her. When you've got over her you will be happier. But it will take time and determination. It is a rollercoaster. But it's the only way to a better, happier life for yourself.
Author Brokenhearted94 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 It sounds like nothing really makes you happy, doesn't it? You're not happy when you're with her, you're not happy when both of you miss each other, and you won't be happy if she finds somebody else. I'm almost betting that if you find someone else, you won't be happy with that either, but I'm not sure what other options you have. What you said is right, I just think I am not boyfriend material at the moment, I'm definitely not looking for Relationship anytime soon either. I will be happy if she finds somebody else who makes her happy, was leaning more towards it will hurt me, I would never stand in the way.
Author Brokenhearted94 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 The other option - and the only sensible one - is to cut contact with her. When you've got over her you will be happier. But it will take time and determination. It is a rollercoaster. But it's the only way to a better, happier life for yourself. I have said to her it's never going to work if we speak, haven't spoke for a couple of days now, As much as I want to I know it's for the best. Thank you guys for the replys.
mightycpa Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 What you said is right, I just think I am not boyfriend material at the moment, I'm definitely not looking for Relationship anytime soon either. I will be happy if she finds somebody else who makes her happy, was leaning more towards it will hurt me, I would never stand in the way. Bull****. You may never stand in the way, but make you happy? I don't think so. I cannot even imagine her with another man, I think that would destroy me with the way I am feeling now.
sandylee1 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Perhaps therapy will help you understand it. Could it be you are finding the relationship too intense and fear that there will be an expectation of commitment ? Or do you feel you want to experience being with other girls because you haven't had that opportunity to play the field ? Or you may not be mature enough for this kind of relationship. ..... I really don't know what it is....but something is happening inside you to cause this behaviour. Did you grow up in a two parent home? Do you have friends that have been hurt by women and fear the same...so you get in there first and end it? You should commit to a long period of NC and stick to it for both your sakes. If a guy kept dumping me, I'd find it very hard to believe he loved me in the way that you profess.
Author Brokenhearted94 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Bull****. You may never stand in the way, but make you happy? I don't think so. Be happy for her* of course I personally wouldn't be happy, misunderstanding.
Author Brokenhearted94 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Perhaps therapy will help you understand it. Could it be you are finding the relationship too intense and fear that there will be an expectation of commitment. Did you grow up in a two parent home? Do you have friends that have been hurt by women and fear the same...so you get in there first and end it? You should commit to a long period of NC and stick to it for both your sakes. If a guy kept dumping me, I'd find it very hard to believe he loved me in the way that you profess. When I split up with her I definitely felt that commitment was a necessity seeing as I had committed so much time with her. It did scare me and I thought I would rather do now than in x years. I grew up in a one parent household with 2 girls, mum and sister. My father was around and I seen a lot of him so I don't think this is so much of an issue. You are right if somebody dumps you over and over then why even say they love you in the first place, this is what I don't understand, maybe it's not love and I just care very deeply for her and am blinded by enfatuation. I plan on not speaking for as long as I can, but I want nothing more than to be friends with her, she means so much to me.
mightycpa Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Be happy for her* of course I personally wouldn't be happy, misunderstanding. Bull**** again. You will not be "happy" for her. I know this altruistic **** sounds very civilized and enlightened of you, but there is no way in the world you will be happy for her, or for yourself. The sooner you start honing in on and being able to name your actual feelings, the sooner you're going to find peace with this situation. Happy is the wrong word, I'm sure of it, so stop using these expressions that diminish your actual feelings. Find a way, find the words to express your true feelings about it. At best, what you probably feel is resigned to the reality of her finding the love of her life that isn't you, and that you don't feel any ill will against her, even if it disappoints you. But happy for her? I seriously doubt that. You might even feel cheated or robbed. Maybe pissed off about it. But not happy. 1
Meli22 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 How old are you OP? I'm guessing around 21 with the 94 in your username. None of us can tell you what you're experiencing, but the word commitment stood out to me and I think, deep down, this could play a larger part than you think. Perhaps you got scared, perhaps you are just confused. Only time will tell. But this girl doesn't deserve your hot and cold behaviour, so let her go at least until you figure out what it is you want. Some time apart with zero contact, and enough time to get past the stage of missing her so that you can think with your head and not your heart.
Author Brokenhearted94 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Thank you guys so much for the replys, I think I need to get into touch with my true feelings, by the sounds of things I am just as clueless as you guys.
loveiswar101 Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I wouldn't say your clueless, just lost. Walk away from this one for a while, breaking up and getting back together several times is usually a good indication of it not going to work. Take a 6 month break from it all. Work, keep busy and revisited it then. It will be hard but hopefully your have a better understanding of where your at and what you want out of life.
slater93 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Sounds asif you have been threw alot, but is it really what you want not to be with her?, i think you need to grow a pair and go get her instead of being selfish. Dont you think?
xera Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I have had the similar situation with my ex. I have also been hot and cold towards her because I am afraid of not getting a normal family life with my ex. It explains why I had to go through many break ups with my ex. i also care for my ex and wish we could be friends.. Or be together for real in the future. But we cant because my parents disapproves. I understand what you feel about caring for someone and loving them to the extent that you'd take all the pain just to see them happy and have a better life. Even if it means not having you in theirs. Its really painful. I am fighting anxiety and depression right now. I hope you'll be fine. Just stay strong and love yourself more. LET HER GO, COMPLETELY.
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