karori Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Thanks for taking a look at this post. I'm in need of some guidance/advice/pick-me-ups about how to handle taking a break while in an LDR. I'll try and keep it as concise as possible. Background: Me and my SO met while I had an internship abroad in New Zealand over the summer. I was there for around seven weeks, and spent six out of the seven weeks with him. After meeting each other, we immediately hit it off and were absolutely inseparable. I've never been so happy and connected with someone in my entire life. When the time came for me to leave to continue my studies in the US at the beginning of August, we both mutually decided to try long distance. As a commitment phobe it was a big leap of faith for me, but I couldn't imagine not having him be a part of my life. I've made plans to return to New Zealand after completing my studies in May. I've applied to grad school, gone job hunting, began poking my nose around flatting situations etc. We had also both decided to try and visit each other twice before I make the move out to NZ, once in January and once mid-March to kind of break up the time apart. My family is incredibly supportive of the decision, and all looks really promising for funding. He was incredibly supportive too, helping me find flatting situations, offering a place to move in, planning on coming and visiting me in the states. All looked so so promising. Fast forward to the present, and we've encountered a couple of very rough patches in our relationship. The beginning of LDR was great - we Skyped, communicated well, sent each other care packages etc and although lonely I felt very happy that he was trying to be so present in my life. However, about a month into it, our communication really began to fall off (on his end). I made several attempts to reach out to him and reassure him that I was present and faithful to him, but he began contacting me less and less and wasn't eager at all to communicate over FaceTime etc. The most communication we'd normally see over the past couple of months was a few Facebook messages a day and some snapchats. I began to feel unhappy and insecure about this and pressed him to try and communicate more, but he never really stepped up to the plate. Last night he asked for a break from the relationship. He told me that he was feeling the pressure of being in a relationship and that he couldn't be sure of his feelings anymore since we haven't seen each other for so long in person. It's both our first LDR, so we knew it was going to be difficult. He said he wants to see if some time apart will clear his head, as he said he's really been struggling with the separation and has found it really hard to connect because of the time difference etc. I've agreed to give him his space although it's really devastating to me, as I ultimately want what's best for him and don't want our relationship to be stressful to him anymore. He told me that he really doesn't want me to view this break as the end of things, but I can't help but being really paranoid that it's the beginning of a break-up. We've already gotten so far and are on the homestretch in terms of seeing each other again in January. I've been super proud of us although at times distance has really taken its toll and been stressful. I really love this guy and want to work things through. Hands down believe he is incredibly worth the effort and have told him so, but it sounds like he's really unsure on his end of how to proceed. Does anyone have any advice as to how to approach this situation? I fully respect his need for space and will give him what he needs, but I feel like I'm going to go insane thinking about what the end result of the break will be. Does anyone have similar stories? Situations? Anything would be so appreciated.
PegNosePete Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 He said he wants to see if some time apart will clear his head I am sorry but this is simply bogus. Time apart does not clear one's head. It will only cause feelings to fade. I have never heard of one single case where time apart has solved a relationship issue, especially an LDR. Time apart simply does not solve closeness and disconnection issues. It creates or exacerbates them. And I think he knows that deep down. He is hoping that your feelings will also fade, softening the blow when he finally decides to tell you that he is moving on. I would bet my bottom dollar that, when he ends the "break", he says he's decided the relationship is not what he wants any more. Did he tell you how long the break will be? Or is he simply leaving you in limbo? I would not give him more than a couple of days, at most. It's not fair on you to mess you around while he "clears his head". But yeah I would prepare for the worst because a "break" is usually just short-hand for "break up".
Author karori Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Thanks for responding. I'm worried about it for the exact reasons you delineated, and was really hesitant to take up the break because it constitutes the first part of "break-up." He kind of laughed at me when I said that and reassured me a couple of times that he doesn't want me to view our break as the "end" or the beginning of the end, but that didn't really help things too much. He didn't give me a time table for the break. I didn't want to put pressure on him, so I guess we're leaving it in limbo for a little bit. He told me that he's going through a lot at home (just graduated from university, about to get a job and a new apartment, sick grandparents etc) and that in the short term he can't afford to think about our long distance relationship.
mightycpa Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 One of two things is true... he's either met a nice Kiwi woman that he can poke with some regularity, or the distance is getting in the way of the relationship. If so, I'd guess that his request to "clear his head" is well-intentioned, but will also be unproductive. That doesn't help. The real question is this: given that you're not going to be together, would you go to NZ anyway? If not, I'd say cut your losses now. Statistics are not on your side. But if you're going there anyway, then just tell him you want to take a break until you arrive in person, and then you can meet up and either start over or break up for good, in person. You can put off that decision until you see each other.
Author karori Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 To the question if I'm going to New Zealand even if we do break-up - yes. I've already made my plans and I know I'd be very happy in the country regardless of whether or not he is a part of my life there. That's the frustrating thing - that I'll be moving there soon to start a new life there. I asked him if he found someone in NZ and he said that it wasn't it, and I really do trust him with this. I really do think it's the distance that is causing all of the issues, but I think it's something that I myself can work through. It's up to him whether it's worth it on his end.
PegNosePete Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 He told me that he's going through a lot at home (just graduated from university, about to get a job and a new apartment, sick grandparents etc) and that in the short term he can't afford to think about our long distance relationship. That is very strange behaviour. When someone has life problems such as graduating, finding a job, moving home and having sick grandparents, they like to have a partner to lean on. Someone to support them, to listen to them, to give them advice and who cares about them. But no, he has chosen to throw all that away. Is that what you think a loving partner would do? After your first post I thought this "break" would probably turn into a "break up" shortly. Now after your second post I am sure of it. Sorry, but this break is already a break-up in all but name.
mightycpa Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I'm going to stick with my advice. Just make a date for when you arrive and leave it alone until then. No discussion, no pressure, no questions, just do whatever you would do, as if you are broken up. Then, after you meet, just let nature take its course.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Sorry you're going through this, OP. I know this must hurt a lot. Having said, you and your SO had very little foundation to build on. I don't mean to downplay or degrade your feelings, but you barely knew each other before you committed to a very long-distance relationship. Six weeks is a very short period. You were in the infatuation stage when you were there and he's seeing it just doesn't have much to hold it together. I'd assume you're splitting up and follow mightycpa's advice. Go about your own life and don't make any plans to see each other for now. Once you arrive in NZ again, you could possibly reconnect.
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