TheBathWater Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I think I posted something about this a week or two ago. A woman who I am friends with but am not close to hooked up with me a couple of weekends ago. She used to date my buddy way back. He moved far away, but we stayed in touch and met up once in a while. We met up to get a couple of drinks and when I went to drop her off, she was giving me the eyes and put the moves on me. Instead of her going inside to sleep as planned, I asked her if she wanted to instead grab some clothes and come with me. The rest is history. The next morning, I said "I don't know if this is a one-time thing for you or whatever, but if you want to do it again, I'm free on these nights..." and she said "my heart's not open right now". When I asked what made her want to hook up the night prior, she shrugged and said "I don't know". She did give me a nice kiss goodbye, but that was where we left off. I let things settle for a week and contacted her making usual chit-chat through text. I asked if she wanted to do something fun on the town this weekend, and she won't respond now. I am starting to feel more upset than I thought I would. I feel like this person who I thought was my friend is ghosting me now and getting weird on me because we hooked up. I would like to keep her as a friend, if nothing else, and if it turns into more then great...but I don't expect anything if she's "not open". But I am starting to feel bitter now about her stand-offish behavior. Any advice on how to proceed? I was thinking of simply not contacting her again at this point. I feel I've been pretty cool about the whole thing, respectful and honest. I thought she had better character than to act this way toward me and am really disappointed.
mrs rubble Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I think she's worried about what your buddy she used to date might think.
Stillits Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Sounds similar to a situation I was in with a friend (although he had no prior history with another friend). We hooked up one night and after that he just kinda stopped talking to me. Would respond sparsely to my texts, I wouldn't get invited to parties and get-togethers he'd throw for our mutual friends anymore etc. This despite us agreeing the day after the hookup that neither of us wanted anything else out of it. I also felt disrespected and couldn't understand why he couldn't be more mature about it. A few weeks after we met up and had a real talk in which he said that he recognized he treated me badly and he apologized... however, he kept on pretending to be too busy to ever meet me and still avoided inviting me to things with our mutual friend group. I guess she regrets the incident and is now 'scared off' that you want more than she is ready to give, and instead of handling it in a mature way and having a conversation about it to resolve it, she chooses to ignore you. I'm not sure there's much you can do about it, but I understand that you feel disrespected. I guess hooking up with a friend might not be the best idea. 1
gaius Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 You can't really have it both ways Tuna. You keep calling her your friend, talking about how disappointed you are that she's behaving like this, but you had sex with her. You're not friends anymore. You were perfectly willing to take it to the sexual realm and people generally don't go back to being friend's once that's over. And now it is for you two. Instead of getting mad at her get mad at yourself. =/ If the outcome of your choices wasn't what you wanted. 1
Author TheBathWater Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 You can't really have it both ways Tuna. You keep calling her your friend, talking about how disappointed you are that she's behaving like this, but you had sex with her. You're not friends anymore. You were perfectly willing to take it to the sexual realm and people generally don't go back to being friend's once that's over. And now it is for you two. Instead of getting mad at her get mad at yourself. =/ If the outcome of your choices wasn't what you wanted. Excuse me, gaius, while I give myself permission to feel my feelings and be disappointed that I'm probably losing a friend. 1
RedRobin Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 It doesn't sound like you were good friends. You two were acquaintances. You hooked up. She doesn't want a FWB or relationship. I am not into casual sex, but if I were, this is exactly how I would be. ONS or relationship, but nothing in between. 4
Author TheBathWater Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 I decided to email her tonight and lay it on the line. I told her that I enjoyed our night together, that I enjoyed our friendship/acquaintanceship of two years, and that I am disappointed she disappeared following my last invite text. I get that sleeping together change things, but I'm idealistic and thought we would be better than that. Maybe I'm wrong. I am still shocked I never heard from her but hope she will respond to this email. What a letdown.
RedRobin Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 (edited) See, that's the thing. You are now an 'ex', whether it was for one night or one decade. There are plenty of men and women who don't keep exes around. Lots of women won't do an eff buddy or FWB. I won't. I'd do a ONS over that. I'd do 100 ONS over being any man's eff buddy or so called FWB... And I'd ditch any man who'd even suggest it or try to weasel me into one. To me, it shows a lack of respect. Think about that next time you turn a friendship into something sexual. I am sorry you were hurt. Edited November 15, 2015 by RedRobin
Tayla Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Its troublesome to lose a friend. The redflag was the statement of: not sure if you want to do this again but i am free on such and such. That basically invited her for further fwb moments. She's declining. So how do you clean that up and reset the friendship? Easy, you become forthright, invite her out for ice cream or some public place that can ease the discussion. Be clear that your intentions are to clean up any misunderstandings. Even if she tries to play you... be insistent that you value friendship. Let your actions speak . 1
loveweary11 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 It's a girl, man. You're over thinking it. She's unsure still. Give her feelings time to settle. Don't be overly fast or aggressive. You'll scare her away, friend or more. Give her space. She'll come back around.
Author TheBathWater Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 (edited) See, that's the thing. You are now an 'ex', whether it was for one night or one decade. There are plenty of men and women who don't keep exes around. Lots of women won't do an eff buddy or FWB. I won't. I'd do a ONS over that. I'd do 100 ONS over being any man's eff buddy or so called FWB... And I'd ditch any man who'd even suggest it or try to weasel me into one. To me, it shows a lack of respect. Think about that next time you turn a friendship into something sexual. I am sorry you were hurt. Yeah, the thing that sucks also is I would have been happy with more than a ONS too. I knew her for two years and always had a thing for her, and would have been happy to develop the connection. Maybe I would have settled for FWB for a time because I DO like her and would be open to something, but she was clear that her "heart is not open" in our morning after conversation. Okay, fine, thank you for that, but I wish we could still be friends. As if I already have enough people in my life, this one who I start to feel more comfortable with and enjoy, sleeps with me and then vanishes. Yeah, that does hurt. No one likes to feel used, but that's exactly how I feel. Moreover, I thought very highly of her character. Her sleeping with me didn't change that, but her vanishing on me with no response or courtesy does. I thought we were both better people than that. Edited November 15, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Try not to feel used and to take that personally. I bet she was in the moment and felt like you were as well, then when you showed that you would like to take things further she withdrew. I mean she might have kind of used you for a night of fun sex but the chances are good that she thought you were doing the exact same thing. I do think that not responding to you when she is supposed to be your friend is a dick move though. 1
Author TheBathWater Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 Try not to feel used and to take that personally. I bet she was in the moment and felt like you were as well, then when you showed that you would like to take things further she withdrew. I mean she might have kind of used you for a night of fun sex but the chances are good that she thought you were doing the exact same thing. I do think that not responding to you when she is supposed to be your friend is a dick move though. My thoughts exactly. I'd expect that kind of behavior more from someone who I met at closing time at a bar or something. I know her well enough to say too that if she were on the receiving end of this, she would be livid. Nonsense. 1
RedRobin Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Friend or no friend, this is what casual sex looks like a lot of the time. Meh, not a fan. maybe she knows you well enough to know that you have ghosted women you have slept with before? And thinks this is part of your value system, so no harm no foul? So, what happens if she responds... You get to get revenge? Na, just leave it.
Author TheBathWater Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 Friend or no friend, this is what casual sex looks like a lot of the time. Meh, not a fan. maybe she knows you well enough to know that you have ghosted women you have slept with before? And thinks this is part of your value system, so no harm no foul? So, what happens if she responds... You get to get revenge? Na, just leave it. Yeah, this has been a real reawakening of sorts for me and helped me realign with my values for more enduring connections. I hoped our connection would endure, platonically or romantically, but I guess sex signaled the end of both options on her end. I still want to find something real with someone who can be authentic, whether that lasts three works or thirty years. I definitely don't ghost women I've slept with. Not my style. I let people know when I don't see things moving forward and offer closure, because that's what I would want. I have been on the receiving end of ghosting after sex increasingly in the past year or so though, never before that in my life. I just never thought this particular woman would vanish like this. I cannot imagine why she would see me as a ghoster and respond that way in kind. I doubt that was her angle. Knowing her, I think she has hangups around emotional communication and is avoiding her own discomfort of 'the talk'. It's not about me; it's about her. No revenge needed on my end. She suffers enough emotionally as it is. Honesty and closure though, that would be nice. I think it would be good for her too, if she could tolerate it and use it as a growth opportunity. So, I am bitter, yes, but mature enough to own those feelings and know they are mine.
RedRobin Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Knowing her, I think she has hangups around emotional communication and is avoiding her own discomfort of 'the talk'. It's not about me; it's about her. It almost always is. I'm really sorry this happened. A lot of people, at some point in their lives, cross a line where they make a decision about what they want their relationships to look like and what their preferred dating style is. Now you do. You can feel thankful about moving forward with more clarity... and yes... with more peace and focus since you know what that style is.
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