gustia Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Hello dear forum members, I am new here I hope that you will read story and share some insight and advice, as my anxiety is becoming increasingly overwhelming... My boyfriend of three years has many female friendships, but one in particular has been increasingly bothering me. She has been around for a couple if years before we met, and they became really close friends, but discussed that they could never get involved romantically (it would be a religious mismatch, also he only thinks of her as a friend). When I came into his life, she tried to hang out with both of us and was nice to me, we were around each other a lot, although I came to learn that we are quite the character opposites, while she and my partner are similar (she's very quiet with me, but he "gets" her). In her mid twenties, she is still single and likely a virgin. They were spending a lot of time one on one as friends and study partners. Then at one party I noticed her looking at us with tears in her eyes. I warned and told my partner that he should be careful as there is no such thing as best male-female friends, and if you are not the one harbouring romantic feelings, the other definitely is and somebody is bound to get hurt. Also that night he refused to be affectionate to me in front of her which raised a lot of questions, then later he admitted to being wrong. Long story short... she admitted having feelings for him and said that because of that she couldn't be around him. Both were hurt and stopped seeing each other for a while to let it all cool off. A couple months later me and my partner had an unrelated rough patch during which she came to him and begged to be with her and was ready to give up her religious upbringing for him, but was rejected. All this time I was hearing about it but did not get involved, she restricted me on facebook and to this day a year later is avoiding me. But now they are back on track as friends and study partners and even spent a month abroad on an exchange. They are spending time with each other again, and are bound to for another two years because of school. Before he was going on the trip, I asked him multiple times for us all to meet for me to see that it is a normal friendship again, which he did not make happen, saying that it is better to just let the time pass and we will meet naturally without confrontation, otherwise he sees that the only outcome of us meeting prematurely can be him losing her completely, and she is very important to him. I feel like an outsider who was left to deal with my feelings alone while they could talk/write it out (while I understand it should be just between bf and I, I feel I need an open conversation with her to see what she's like now). I explained to him multiple times that I trust him, but not her and that with every passing day it is poisoning me (and our relationship) and I'm starting to really hate her undeservedly (?). As months pass, I feel like raising an ultimatum that I won't see him unless me and his best friend meet again. I don't want to hurt him by making him lose her, but I cannot ignore what happened either, it got to a point where it hurts seeing their pictures together, watching him text her or even hearing the name. He tells me she doesn't think of me as much as I think of her and I should just let it pass. It's driving me crazy and I'm stuck with her around him for at least the next two years, yet we still haven't met or spoken to each other since the things went pear-shaped a year ago. And if we meet, what do I do?.. Please help..
BLND Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I see plenty of red flags.the type of relationship where he s gonna grow into loving her at the end. I had similar experience and they ended up getting married after we broke up.
Author gustia Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Did you break up because of her, however?
BLND Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Did you break up because of her, however? No. We broke up for completely other reasons. He went on to date other girls while I got married to someone else. Then later I found out they ended up getting married. It was ironic though.
Author gustia Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Im actually not surprised that best friends get married. After all, there is a reason for that attraction (mental, at least). He keeps telling me he loves me and that I'm obsessing, that even if we weren't together he still would never get with her. I believe he is honest, but not so wise...
kismetkismet Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 That is very hard.. While I do think that male and female friends can exist (one of my best friends is male and we have no chemistry issues) this is not one of those friendships. She clearly has/had feelings for him and that is crossing a boundary. If I ever found out that my best male friend had feelings for me our relationship would have to change dramatically. I would not hang out with him one on one anymore and I would make sure that he and my boyfriend got along. In fact I think it's very important that the three of you get to be on good terms again. He can't have his relationship with you as a separate entity from his relationship with her... they can't just forget that you exist when they are together.. that is just not fair. I wish I had better advice for you because i think that what you're asking for is perfectly reasonable, and the fact that he will not comply seems totally insensitive and unfair to me. I'm not one to place ultimatums.. but I would question his seriousness about the relationship if your happiness and comfort is not higher on his list that HER happiness and comfort... Maybe he doesn't mean it that way and it is just because he knows that she is sensitive, but that is totally unfair to you. 2
BLND Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I agree. Since the girl seems to have such strong feelings, he should know that it's not healthy for her to be around him or the both of you. Just like it's not healthy for your relationship to have him spend so much time with someone he has feelings for. Most likely he is genuine when he says he has no feelings for her. I was talking in the long run in my previous post.
Author gustia Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Thanks... I don't think that stating "do this, or else..." is a good way, but I am thinking that it got me to a point where I'm reluctant on moving our relationship forward until I figure out what this is. I need to see that I will be okay with the way how we are, he has been really making an effoet to be kind and get closer to me. But this issue will not go away by itself, at least for me. I need to talk things through with her, or just simply hang out. He has been disrgarding my distressed plea for months, telling I should solve it within myself. If it was a reverse situation, I bet the guys would have solved it with a punch very quickly.
BLND Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 This isn't your issue to resolve. You don't need to start hanging out with her either. He has to fix this and the only way is to clearly explain to the girl that his relationship is with you. And she should respect his choice and his relationship. 1
Maggie4 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I just wouldn't stand for it. I can't say what others might do, it's a personal choice. I don't care if people call me possessive or whatever, I simply won't accept it. I would just make my choice and walk away. For you, like I said it's a personal choice. You want to make it ok, you want to try and tolerate it if he'll make some effort to reassure you. I dunno... I think they will end up together. 2
Author gustia Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 This isn't your issue to resolve. You don't need to start hanging out with her either. He has to fix this and the only way is to clearly explain to the girl that his relationship is with you. And she should respect his choice and his relationship. That's right. I think that he made up his mind to have his future with me. He loves her as a friend, although given the right circumstances like any m-f close interaction I think it could turn into something else if I weren't with him. I would even want for him to be with her if I werent with him. I think she realizes I am here to stay and won't try anything, but clearly she cannot stand me because she's still in love and seeing me causes her pain. I need to understand why I cant just play it cool anymore, let it go and to simply focus on the bf, which I should be doing. Why it's so crucial for me to meet, observe and have a conversation with her, to tell her how this makes me feel, if I dont see her as my friend anymore. Can talking about it have a positive outcome if they are trying to forget this? Ignoring it feels like so not an option for me...
Glitters Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 It's his job to keep female friends in the place -- the friend's place that is. Even if he has new female friends and you are not yet introduced, he needs to maintain a certain distance that is close enough only for you two and not them. If you see he is but she is not , then he is crossing the boundary when you are not there ! A guy with too many female friends , stay away 3
blueskyday Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 (edited) No no no! Do not accept this crap. Ever. You are dead on correct with your feelings and thoughts. Time for an ultimatum. She must go, or you will. It's actually an enforcement of a much needed boundary line. But really, I think he should be doing everything possible to make you priority number one. I question HIS judgement. Bad judgement? That's a deal breaker for me. I was in a similar situation. I put my foot down. Her or me. I had no problem walking if he was going to be an idiot. Some may say I was possessive, too, like the other poster said, but I don't care. I know my worth, and it's front burner, not back. As I've gotten older, I've gotten much better at saying, "Nope. That doesn't work for me." I won't be in a situation where I have to worry and figure out things. Going away on a trip with another female while we're in a relationship? Have a best female friend that's not me? Bye bye. Talk to him. Let him know your boundaries. You have every right to them! They protect you, and your relationship. You shouldn't have to explain that for very long to him...He will either respond with words and actions that pick you, or he will give a million excuses so he can continue hanging out with her. That will tell you all you need to know to decide which road to take. Edited November 4, 2015 by blueskyday
bettermistakes Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Your boyfriend is stringing along two women and that's not okay. if she didn't have feelings for him anymore there wouldn't be any issue with the two of you seeing each other. What he is doing is wrong. He shouldn't be able to have his cake and eat it, too. at least ONE of the three of you needs to make a decision. No one should be okay with being part of a love triangle.
smackie9 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 He has obviously made his choice to keep her close so that should tell you the importance of your relationship to him. He isn't oblivious to how you feel about it, he would just rather ignore it and hope you get over it. So now you are in a position to either put up with it, or dump him. There is no other choice IMO. TIP: never date guys that have a lot of female friends.
Author gustia Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 I'm trying to make peace with it since there is no threat considering the bf's behaviour. But eventually it looks like it is not going to end well because I am not okay with her being around. How do I become okay? I don't have a clue.
Glitters Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 It will seep in your relationship and destroy it. I promise.
Author gustia Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) Only if I allow it. I'm starting to realize now that the reason why it was so important that I meet her and we talk it out is because I wanted to put it behind and save their friendship in the light of our relationship. Without this, I'm on the path of hating her and the strain in our relationship will put an end to their friendship. I don't care if me and her are not friends because of our character differences; but it's a whole different story if that is because of her feelings towards my man. Edited November 6, 2015 by gustia
kismetkismet Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I don't think you should have to make peace with it. He's being totally selfish. He's not being very fair to her either by stringing her along. The fact that they do school together does make it complicated, but he's disregarding your feelings even though he knows you're totally miserable! He won't even hang out with the three of you! He is making YOU make all of the sacrifices and compromises her, and not placing any on her or on himself. Totally unfair. He's putting her feelings above yours. It's my experience that bad gut feelings are there for a reason. I tried to make myself ok with my ex and his relationship with his ex and a female friend that he used to have feelings for because *logically* he wasn't doing anything wrong. But I could not control my feelings and it ate away at me, making both of us unhappy. As it turned out things were worse than he let on when we were together, but even if it wasnt, i was still uncomfortable and unhappy with the situation. Either way, whether he is WRONG or not, can you be happy in this relationship? I left that ex and it was extremely difficult because we still loved and respected and liked one another.. but he couldn't make me happy. Now only like 6 months later I am with someone who makes me feel like i'm exploding with happiness every day and always does his best to make sure that I feel secure and comfortable, and I do the same for him. I'm just saying.. you shouldn't be the only one making sacrifices.. he's not the only man in the world even if it feels that way right now. If he disregards your needs and happiness on this issue, what else will he disregard your feelings on? 1
Glitters Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Only if I allow it ? You cant be serious ! If he and her are having a study date and you are at your home ,work, whatever , who is to tell what they are doing,given when you are there, your presence is disregarded ? He is expecting you to trust him without doing anything from his side. Talking to her is end of your relationship with him. She is going to make every covert effort to ' help' the break up and make him single. Its better if he is single , for her. She is going to do what many do - co*k block. She knows him better because they have been friends and very likely he has shared stuff about himself which he hasnt with you.This is THE time for her to use it but very covertly. Consider your relationship over, sorry.
kismetkismet Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Oh and for the record I am not against men having female friends in general. My ex had lots of other female friends that I didn't have a problem with, and one of my best friends is male. I'm not saying their relationship is problematic strictly because of their opposing genders, I'm saying it because he is disregarding your feelings and not trying to set parameters that help you to feel comfortable. And because a) she 100% has feelings for him, and b) he refuses to include you in their relationship. Her feelings aren't just going to disappear while they continue having this close relationship - a relationship that he keeps completely separate from you.. a relationship where she can happily ignore your existence and continue to harbour those feelings. He is getting to have his cake and eat it too, hurting both of you, all while pretending that he's doing it to be the 'nice guy'. He is doing what is easiest for HIM, not what is best for you, and not what is best for her either.
Glitters Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Oh and for the record I am not against men having female friends in general. My ex had lots of other female friends that I didn't have a problem with, and one of my best friends is male. I'm not saying their relationship is problematic strictly because of their opposing genders, I'm saying it because he is disregarding your feelings and not trying to set parameters that help you to feel comfortable. And because a) she 100% has feelings for him, and b) he refuses to include you in their relationship. Her feelings aren't just going to disappear while they continue having this close relationship - a relationship that he keeps completely separate from you.. a relationship where she can happily ignore your existence and continue to harbour those feelings. He is getting to have his cake and eat it too, hurting both of you, all while pretending that he's doing it to be the 'nice guy'. He is doing what is easiest for HIM, not what is best for you, and not what is best for her either. I again agree except that it is actually a good situation for his ' friend'. She will cause the break up and make it look like that OP is the one who is not being able to accept the innocent friendship and label her insecure,pscho, low self esteem etc . I dont blame her when the guy himself 'loves her as a friend ' and has a ' mental connection'. I have to wonder where OP fits in ? If the guy has everything with the 'friend' then where does OP stand?Pointless. OP, you are getting sucked in to this guy's nonsense.You are naive.
Glitters Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I have a feeling to warn you, OP, you are going to get hurt very bad by this guy.Start distancing yourself , get ready for a break up. Tighten your seat belt.I re read your 1st post. Nothing is right. You are being conditioned by him to accept everything and be fine. In a way, suck it up ! He has a lot of female friends ? RUN Cry,break glasses, whatever.But RUN
kitty12345 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 All the people here have given you excellent advice. I was that guy and learnt the hard way.If I want to have a serious girlfriend, the girl friends take a hike.Period. No decent girlfriend will stick around with a guy who is surrounded by females or runs to them for advice on his relationship. Many times those ' friends' know more about your relationship than you do and most likely the advice will not be good and rather make things worse and there will always be an elephant in the room. You should not even accept the BS he is feeding you.I have said the same words, many times and in the end I was left with no girls but many friends, who were happy for me, cheered for me, I 'got' them, she was here before you came, she is innocent, she is not jealous, she is excited about you , thats how she is, we have always been like this,its all playful teasing, the list is pretty long. Its his choice to make, to dump the existing female friends.Yes dump,completely , if he ever wants a stable good relationship.then start slowly again where the girlfriend is the best friend and lover and knows more about him than the female friends.It will not happen in a day. It will have to be a choice that he has to make , for himself , not for anyone and then hold a gun over the girlfriend that he dumped his best female friend ever for you kinda thing. Its not wrong to have friends of opposite sex but the dynamics are always different and some women have a good eye to catch it in one glance ! So yeah, this guy is no good news. He needs a lot of growing up. ( It feels good to take it off my chest on an anon board ! )
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