Frazzle Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 (edited) I recently moved to a new area and met this guy at a meetup. Since he was also new to the area, we started hanging out and exploring places. He began to give off red flags though like being overly familiar and not respecting boundaries. For example, he would look over my shoulder while I'm texting and asked me if I was texting my girlfriend. He would also ask me stuff like "do you really know what I mean" in a condescending tone. Fast forward to last weekend when we were supposed to hang out at his apartment (which I've never been to) and watch the World Series. About 2 hours before we were supposed to hang out, it started to rain so I told him I had to cancel because I didn't feel comfortable driving 40 minutes in the rain to get to his place. He kept trying to persuade me to come saying it wasn't raining where he's at. I told him next time and he told me that was frustrated with me. That already ticked me off but I let it go. I knew it was wrong of me to cancel with such short notice and I felt bad. On Monday, I texted him to make small talk and gauge his reaction. At first, he engaged me in a friendly conversation. Then, he brought that up again that he was still "mad at me, frustrated, disappointed, and not happy." That was the last straw and I let him have it. I took the high road and basically told him he had no right to tell me whether my reason for not going was legitimate or not because it was my prerogative and safety to consider. He said he was "already ok with it but my attitude pissed me off." He had the audacity to say I had an attitude. This guy really pissed me off because I've only known him for 2 months and who was he to say this stuff to me. Even my closest friends don't act this way. So I think this effectively terminated our friendship and good riddance I say. I didn't act out of line did I? Was I in the wrong here? I know it was my fault for canceling so late but I still feel he had no right to tell me that he was "not happy with me." What are your opinions? Edited November 3, 2015 by Frazzle
DrReplyInRhymes Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I recently moved to a new area and met this guy at a meetup. Since he was also new to the area, we started hanging out and exploring places. He began to give off red flags though like being overly familiar and not respecting boundaries. For example, he would look over my shoulder while I'm texting and asked me if I was texting my girlfriend. He would also ask me stuff like "do you really know what I mean" in a condescending tone. Irrelevant. Trying to qualify the bashing that's about to take place to establish credibility. Not needed. Fast forward to last weekend when we were supposed to hang out at his apartment (which I've never been to) and watch the World Series. About 2 hours before we were supposed to hang out, it started to rain so I told him I had to cancel because I didn't feel comfortable driving 40 minutes in the rain to get to his place. He kept trying to persuade me to come saying it wasn't raining where he's at. I told him next time and he told me that was frustrated with me. That already ticked me off but I let it go. I knew it was wrong of me to cancel with such short notice and I felt bad. By your own words, you admit it was rather rude to cancel with such short notice, especially with a reason of "it's raining". I agree, that's a weak excuse. Nevertheless, you have your reasons for cancelling, and he doesn't believe them. On Monday, I texted him to make small talk and gauge his reaction. At first, he engaged me in a friendly conversation. Then, he brought that up again that he was still "mad at me, frustrated, disappointed, and not happy." That was the last straw and I let him have it. I took the high road and basically told him he had no right to tell me whether my reason for not going was legitimate or not because it was my prerogative and safety to consider. He said he was "already ok with it but my attitude pissed me off." He had the audacity to say I had an attitude. This guy really pissed me off because I've only known him for 2 months and who was he to say this stuff to me. Even my closest friends don't act this way. So I think this effectively terminated our friendship and good riddance I say. I didn't act out of line did I? Was I in the wrong here? I know it was my fault for canceling so late but I still feel he had no right to tell me that he was "not happy with me." What are your opinions? So, he didn't buy your "it's raining" excuse and has expressed his displeasure in ways that really disgusted you. You have cut ties because you feel his behavior is (understandably) toxic. Personally, I find it incredibly rude to have plans cancelled on me, especially within hours of said plans. You can't pretend to know what plans he had to change / break / adjust in order to accommodate these plans. Now, if your reasoning had something to do with an actual emergency, or something unavoidable came up, then I could understand. But to be told it's because of the rain? Did you act out of line? No. But if you wanted to get rid of a guy really fast, then you succeeded perfectly. Most would advise this guy to make dates with other women since you are cancelling plans due to ....rain. Conversely, his reaction is bit rude and you should not be subjected to his rudeness. 1
Wewon Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I recently moved to a new area and met this guy at a meetup. Since he was also new to the area, we started hanging out and exploring places. He began to give off red flags though like being overly familiar and not respecting boundaries. For example, he would look over my shoulder while I'm texting and asked me if I was texting my girlfriend. He would also ask me stuff like "do you really know what I mean" in a condescending tone. Fast forward to last weekend when we were supposed to hang out at his apartment (which I've never been to) and watch the World Series. About 2 hours before we were supposed to hang out, it started to rain so I told him I had to cancel because I didn't feel comfortable driving 40 minutes in the rain to get to his place. He kept trying to persuade me to come saying it wasn't raining where he's at. I told him next time and he told me that was frustrated with me. That already ticked me off but I let it go. I knew it was wrong of me to cancel with such short notice and I felt bad. On Monday, I texted him to make small talk and gauge his reaction. At first, he engaged me in a friendly conversation. Then, he brought that up again that he was still "mad at me, frustrated, disappointed, and not happy." That was the last straw and I let him have it. I took the high road and basically told him he had no right to tell me whether my reason for not going was legitimate or not because it was my prerogative and safety to consider. He said he was "already ok with it but my attitude pissed me off." He had the audacity to say I had an attitude. This guy really pissed me off because I've only known him for 2 months and who was he to say this stuff to me. Even my closest friends don't act this way. So I think this effectively terminated our friendship and good riddance I say. I didn't act out of line did I? Was I in the wrong here? I know it was my fault for canceling so late but I still feel he had no right to tell me that he was "not happy with me." What are your opinions? He sounds a little strange. LOL! I hate when people cancel, but I wouldn't have had a fight over it. I also think that he did several other things that was off-putting outside of that situation. You two wouldn't have stayed friends for long, he sounds like the kind of guy that would answer you phone or ask to use your toothbrush.
Author Frazzle Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Irrelevant. Trying to qualify the bashing that's about to take place to establish credibility. Not needed. By your own words, you admit it was rather rude to cancel with such short notice, especially with a reason of "it's raining". I agree, that's a weak excuse. Nevertheless, you have your reasons for cancelling, and he doesn't believe them. So, he didn't buy your "it's raining" excuse and has expressed his displeasure in ways that really disgusted you. You have cut ties because you feel his behavior is (understandably) toxic. Personally, I find it incredibly rude to have plans cancelled on me, especially within hours of said plans. You can't pretend to know what plans he had to change / break / adjust in order to accommodate these plans. Now, if your reasoning had something to do with an actual emergency, or something unavoidable came up, then I could understand. But to be told it's because of the rain? Did you act out of line? No. But if you wanted to get rid of a guy really fast, then you succeeded perfectly. Most would advise this guy to make dates with other women since you are cancelling plans due to ....rain. Conversely, his reaction is bit rude and you should not be subjected to his rudeness. It's not that unreasonable of an excuse because like I said, I am new to the area and didn't feel comfortable driving 40 minutes in the rain to get to an unfamiliar place. The weather was freezing as well and conditions just did not feel safe to me.
bathtub-row Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 (edited) I agree with the others that it's a little frustrating when someone cancels on you but most people just accept it and find something else to do. He had no right to decide for you whether it was ok to drive or not. He sounds overly needy and possessive, in general. Aside from that, I think you would've been taking a risk going to his place alone. You don't really know this guy very well. Since you're new in town, try to make friends with women instead of men. Most men are going to want or expect a relationship after awhile. They don't typically like to be in the friend zone, which makes these relatiionships somewhat unstable. Also, if you do meet a guy that becomes your bf, then you risk limiting your ties to him, his friends, etc. That's not a good move. You would be better off establishing your own ties. Edited November 4, 2015 by bathtub-row
Survivor12 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Inasmuch as you had the right to cancel for what you consider to be justifiable reasons, he had the right to voice his displeasure. As for the texting, personally, I find it to be rude and very annoying when I'm trying to have a conversation or spend time with someone and they are texting &/or checking social media. Perhaps his "interest" in what you were doing was his way of reminding you that he was there and that he wanted you to be "present". Passive-aggressive? Sure, but would you have preferred that he called you out on it directly? My guess is that you have been hanging out with him because you don't know a lot of people in your new city and don't want to be alone. You have no interest in him and it shows. He, on the other hand, is responding to your aloofness and disregard for him because he's frustrated by it. Remember, he's new to the area, too, and may be feeling lonely. It's a viscous circle. Do yourself--and him--a favor and move on and find people who you are interested in spending time with. 1
Author Frazzle Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 I agree with the others that it's a little frustrating when someone cancels on you but most people just accept it and find something else to do. He had no right to decide for you whether it was ok to drive or not. He sounds overly needy and possessive, in general. Aside from that, I think you would've been taking a risk going to his place alone. You don't really know this guy very well. Since you're new in town, try to make friends with women instead of men. Most men are going to want or expect a relationship after awhile. They don't typically like to be in the friend zone, which makes these relatiionships somewhat unstable. Also, if you do meet a guy that becomes your bf, then you risk limiting your ties to him, his friends, etc. That's not a good move. You would be better off establishing your own ties. I'm a guy.
Author Frazzle Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Inasmuch as you had the right to cancel for what you consider to be justifiable reasons, he had the right to voice his displeasure. As for the texting, personally, I find it to be rude and very annoying when I'm trying to have a conversation or spend time with someone and they are texting &/or checking social media. Perhaps his "interest" in what you were doing was his way of reminding you that he was there and that he wanted you to be "present". Passive-aggressive? Sure, but would you have preferred that he called you out on it directly? My guess is that you have been hanging out with him because you don't know a lot of people in your new city and don't want to be alone. You have no interest in him and it shows. He, on the other hand, is responding to your aloofness and disregard for him because he's frustrated by it. Remember, he's new to the area, too, and may be feeling lonely. It's a viscous circle. Do yourself--and him--a favor and move on and find people who you are interested in spending time with. It's definitely not because I was on the phone because he was also on his phone as well. We were at a baseball game.
bathtub-row Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I'm a guy. Oh! Sorry! I didn't know that. I'm not sure why I assumed you were a female. Well, I still think the guy is overly possessive. You may want to cool it with him.
nescafe1982 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Oh! Sorry! I didn't know that. I'm not sure why I assumed you were a female. Well, I still think the guy is overly possessive. You may want to cool it with him. You aren't the only one. When I read the OP my first reaction is "if this poster a man or a woman? Because if female, the friend sounds a little controlling in a way that could be dangerous." But really... I guess my reaction is the same for a male OP. This friend sounds possessive, and a bit controlling. It does suck to be bailed out on, but one instance isn't enough for a blow up like this one. The friend had reason to be annoyed but he sounds a bit confrontational.
preraph Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 No, you weren't at all out of line. I mean, it's okay to acknowledge his disappointment and okay he expressed it, but not in that way, like he gets the final say. You were right to straighten him out. Good for you.
CC12 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I told him next time and he told me that was frustrated with me. That already ticked me off but I let it go. I knew it was wrong of me to cancel with such short notice and I felt bad. He had the audacity to say I had an attitude. Maybe you did kind of have an attitude? Why were you ticked off that he was frustrated with you, when you admit that it was wrong of you to cancel with such short notice? When you do wrong to someone, you can expect that they'll at least be frustrated with you, or worse. I think a better response to frustration you've caused someone is to be regretful and to say you're sorry. Not sure why he brought it up again instead of letting it go. Maybe he wanted an apology. Did you ever apologize?
Author Frazzle Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 Maybe you did kind of have an attitude? Why were you ticked off that he was frustrated with you, when you admit that it was wrong of you to cancel with such short notice? When you do wrong to someone, you can expect that they'll at least be frustrated with you, or worse. I think a better response to frustration you've caused someone is to be regretful and to say you're sorry. Not sure why he brought it up again instead of letting it go. Maybe he wanted an apology. Did you ever apologize? I apologized to him multiple times and told him I felt really bad. But he kept bringing it up again and it pissed me off. The way he worded it sounded like he had the last say in things.
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