ChuckDee33 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Ok, so I moved an hour away from her because it's something I had to do. She left me 9 months ago and the friends thing just wasn't working. I started NC for real over a month ago and I want to stick to it. I told her if she felt like saying something to me then she could email me...so she did yesterday. It read: Sorry I haven't written you sooner...I've been visiting my parents for a couple of weeks and I haven't really had much time at a computer. Well, I just wanted to say hey and hope everything is going well. I'm not even sure if you have moved yet or not, but I hope that goes good. Not much is going on here...just trying to find a babysitting job or something, anything other than retail crap again. So we'll see how that goes. How is your job search going? Found anything in ***** yet? Let me know what's going on with you a little, I miss talking to you. Well I'm not sure what else to say so give (our cat) a kiss and a hug for me and tell her I miss her a lot. Hope to hear from you soon... Sounds like she isn't letting go of me all the way, I dunno. Thing is she came crying to me the first time I did NC, telling me how she wanted to let me know she still loves me (whatever that may mean) and how she got all scared about her current relationship with some schlong. She told me she didn't want a serious relationship ie labeling it bf and gf. Well, I know they have been together now for like 6 months...they are only seeing each other I'm almost positive of that....so that pretty much means bf and gf to me, right? So that makes me upset that I fell into the trap again, letting myself believe that I was able to be just friends with her. No way! I told her specifically that I can't be her friend with all that has happened since she left me. Frankly, I saw pictures of them on his online photo album and that just makes me want to stick to NC even more. (I guessed her AIM password just fooling around one day and found his screen name on her buddy list because I knew his first name and it was part of the screen name. I kind of wish I didn't find it but at the same time seeing his posted pics, even one of her that I took a while back! makes me find even more resolve). I know she would just love it if she got one peep out of me. I still love her and I care for her but damn. I spent long enough mopping over her, I tried my best to get her back. I really don't think we could ever be anything less than bf/gf...that makes me sad because I miss her in my life. But not like this. If she really loved me she wouldn't have let me leave, she wouldn't be with some other guy now. She knows how I feel about her, she knows I'm trying to look out for myself first and foremost right now. But I don't think she realizes I moved away and am doing NC to help us go our separate ways. I won't settle for less than what we were together and I shouldn't have to. If she wants to be with me she will do everything in her power to do so. But I think she just expects me to like 'become' her friend over time from this or something. I'm really unsure if I can do that, even with the passing of time. It was the hardest thing ever to accept that we are over, it was even harder leaving someone I love behind. She was crying when I told her I was leaving. But at the end of the day, we're both just doing what makes us the happiest, or least unhappy. I don't know anything for certain but I'm guessing she is happy. What I don't understand is why she still wants to talk to me, keep me in her life. I really think she is holding on to a part of me that I'm not willing to give her, just like I was holding on to what she couldn't give me. I'm certain she misses me but as what? A lover, a companion, a friend? I miss her, but not who she is now, I miss US. Should I just brush it off my shoulder and not respond or should I tell her how I am truly feeling about all this? I'm afraid to talk to her because I know it would be awkward and I've come to hate those kinds of things. I'm also afraid it would set me back in my emotional progress that I've made with this. I mean, I've come a loooong way from how I used to be, trust me. Besides, I moved an hour away...shouldn't that send a message to her that I'm trying to put the whole thing behind me and move on? It's very difficult ignoring someone you love...I sometimes almost agree with the opponents of NC on here. To each his/her own I guess. Email her back in like a week or so?...or continue NC and let her think whatever she wants to? I know most of you guys/gals will tell me keep up NC...but I want to explore both options. I'm not holding on to anything anymore...but that doesn't mean I can just stop thinking about her altogether. Thanks for any advice.
prisoner Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 a. for as far as you have moved on, you have a long way to go b. it is poissible that the person you aredealinmg with is having a lot of issues (abandonment, fear of exclusion) that you may have to deal with if you contact her. c. The thing is: she is crying out for help and hoping you will respond anhd that may be for more than a relationship. it may be that you were a conduit to suppressing a problem and now without you the feeling isfron and center and she thinks you are the only way to get rid of it. neither of you are going to get very far until you each resolve (independently) what ever you were dealing with that ended things in the first place. and truthfully, NC might be a defense mechanism. It is a tough call. I think she needs to lean on you. My first instinct is a co-dependence that borders on sycophantism. Stay away unless you are willing to really help. If you have a mutual friend, show concern that way. It will get back to her.
Author ChuckDee33 Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 I think you are right concerning her having certain issues...but then again who doesn't have issues? I also think she has been so used to me being there for her in some way, shape or form in the past that it has kind of been a shock to her and she is in fact looking for some comfort which I cannot give her. NC is probably 75% defense mechanism and 25% ''hey look, i'm stronger than you thought I was". I would love to help her but definately not at the expense of my own emotional stability. If she wants to know what is going on in my life then she needs to be with me, end of discussion.
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