Odinani Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 One of my coworkers has also become a sort of casual friend (I would not class her as a close friend). She is about 25 years older than me and she is considered physically unattractive (she even claims she has been called "ugly" by strangers on multiple occasions). She's also overweight but probably not obese. It's fair to say that women are judged on our looks all the time. This seems to have had the effect of making my coworker very bitter. I guess a lifetime of being told she is ugly, never getting asked on dates etc has made her like this. But she is being really spiteful to me and other young female coworkers. She takes every opportunity to chastise us for making an effort with our appearance ("how sad that you have to have all that crap slathered all over your face to look attractive"). She tries to drag us to her unhappy level ("now that you're getting old like me I bet men ignore you, right?") She feels toxic. She's so reactive to the slightest thing that I'd like to spray an anti-histamine on her. Even a photo of Beyonce in a newspaper caused a jealous spiteful outburst from her today. She is even spiteful to her own niece for being young and pretty. Is it best to just avoid ALL contact with somebody like this? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I would be avoiding her! What a Debbie Downer. I avoid involving people like that in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Is it best to just avoid ALL contact with somebody like this? If all you care about is how she makes you feel, then yea I suppose. You might try a novel approach and make the effort to empathize and understand. Of course that would probably mean you have to give more than you get to be her friend, and some people who've never felt that particular kind of pain believe they're entitled to having it work the other way. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Because she is a work colleague, you probably can't avoid all contact with her, but do limit it to necessary work things only. Try to be charitable in your thoughts. She's doing this as a means of self-preservation because she has been hurt so much in the past 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 That must be pretty horrible to be told you're ugly. However, it's up to her to either learn to shrug it off or do something about it. You could point out that a lot of people get plastic surgery to improve their looks. Of course, that would have to be approached very carefully. You could also point out that a lot of famous people aren't really that good looking if you really look at them. Appearance has a lot tondo with how a person carries themselves. I think she has learned to be obsessive about her looks and has concluded that it's the main thing that matters. However, she seems to have decided that she's not going to make any attempt to look good. Hard to say. The only thing you can do is try to encourage her or point out her good features or qualities. If that doesn't work, then spend less time with her. She'll learn someday that her personality is driving people away. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 You could point out that a lot of people get plastic surgery to improve their looks. Really? Well, problem solved I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Somehow I doubt that as adults, ppl go around telling her she's ugly. If that's true (the lie) then it means she's sort of created her own 'reality' bubble around her that's designed to head off misery by front-loading a lesser version of misery into all her interactions. Ppl like that are really hard to reach, so while a person who's just having a hard time or is unhappy but dignified might be worth trying to help, ppl who are beyond that tend to be lost causes. If she's really just a work colleague, I don't think you have a duty to be a friend to her given the circumstances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 This person needs to learn the fact of life that all women are beautiful, including she. Putting makeup on ..being younger... being skinny is not what makes one attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 In 25 years, revisit this thread. I'm certain you will be more understanding and compassionate. Life knocks us around, so how we deal with those knocks is what shapes us. This could be any young beautiful woman in 25 years. Even you. You aren't in kindergarten, therefore you aren't required to be kind or anyone's friend out of obligation. I've known many grey old dogs like this over the years. I may not have liked them, but I knew enough about life to learn from them and treat them with respect while placing my own boundaries to being treated with respect. Everyone has something to teach us, especially those who make us feel uncomfortable. Grumps 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Myragal Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Somehow I doubt that as adults, ppl go around telling her she's ugly. If that's true (the lie) then it means she's sort of created her own 'reality' bubble around her that's designed to head off misery by front-loading a lesser version of misery into all her interactions. Ppl like that are really hard to reach, so while a person who's just having a hard time or is unhappy but dignified might be worth trying to help, ppl who are beyond that tend to be lost causes. If she's really just a work colleague, I don't think you have a duty to be a friend to her given the circumstances. My thought too. How many here go around telling others they are 'ugly'? Keep any relationship professional. Avoid anyone who is toxic. It's not your role to tell her to improve her appearance, attitude, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Really? Well, problem solved I guess. I only suggested plastic surgery because the OP's friend seems to be bothered by her appearance. When I was younger, I didn't like my nose. It wasn't horrible, I just didn't like it. So I had plastic surgery. Just a small change but it made a huge difference in how I saw myself and how I felt about myself. Maybe the same thing would work for this girl. Of course, suggesting plastic surgery is a touchy thing. It would have to be brought up in the context of the friend bringing up the issue of her looks and that it bothers her. Then I say something like, "You know, if it bothers you that much..." Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Is it best to just avoid ALL contact with somebody like this? Yes. Avoid her as much as possible, but continue to be cordial when you do see her. You can't change the way that she feels about herself. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Try to be charitable in your thoughts. She's doing this as a means of self-preservation because she has been hurt so much in the past This X a million. I wish I remembered to think charitably more often. It takes work but builds character. Link to post Share on other sites
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