Author Silver_star Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 My ex still messages me friendly messages and its been just over 2 months since the break up. (short backstory, he broke up with me kind of suddenly in Sept just saying he was confused about his feelings for me and was feeling confusion about having feelings for other women while we were in a LDR). He is not currently in a relationship, so I don't know why we couldn't just talk about it. It doesn't appear he wanted to leave me for another woman in particular. Right away I indicated I needed time and space from him, but he would last maybe 3-4 days and then message me. I deleted my whatsapp, and then it became a Facebook message instead every week. I don't message him, but it is extremely hard to ignore his messages because I still care deeply for him and he treated me well during our relationship. Mostly his messages are just casual, asking how I am doing. Updating me on some of the little things in his life. Classes he is taking, purchases he has been making (for some reason?), things he is doing to "improve himself". Sometimes he makes comments on how he wishes we could hang out, or how he really enjoys talking with me. Not really sure what to do with that info. I mean I have been doing good things to move forward in my life, and I feel like I have a good life other than my heart is still broken. It's just kind of depressing hearing him talk to me all casual. I know he misses me. I guess its hard to get used to this new way of life without him, because he was my love and my best friend. Reconciling would take a TREMENDOUS amount of effort on both ends due to the fact that we live far away from each other. I am not willing to put in an effort when I got so suddenly rejected. I cant delete him yet from Social media I am not ready for that. I have told him I need space, but I know he is thinking of me as well. Does anyone have any similar experience of your ex (dumper) continuing to contact you weekly after the BU for months? Will there come a time when he stops reaching out? I am unfortunately still wistful. I am not sure what his motives are in staying in touch. Sometimes I wish he would just meet someone, block me from FB and get married so I could close the door on us forever.
marky00 Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 A very good question.... so many of us search for an answer to it.. But... I really don't think there is an answer, its just so case specific. For example, a dumper who never contacts you again might actually do out of respect for the dumpee. I mean they have already hurt you enough, why hurt you anymore. But of course, it might mean they are totally indifferent and really don't care at all. Every case is different. A dumper who contacts/reaches out post BU, may be doing because they truly care and might still be re-thinking their decision. On the other had, they may feel very comfortable with their decision and thus naturally move to the next level where they try to establish a friendship with the dumpee (possibly to give them the comfort that the dumpee is doing ok). As you can see, the reason for an Ex contacting you or not contacting you can be either end of the spectrum. I think this is why NC is the best strategy in all cases. NC eliminates all these weird questions that you wont get answers to. And, if the Ex really did have some feelings buried deep-down, NC is the only thing that will draw those feelings out. With NC, you get peace, you get to try to make yourself happy with the knowledge that there is nothing else you need to do regarding the relationship. At this point it's all on the dumper. People only jump if they have to. If you know what I mean !!! 2
Author Silver_star Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 I think the fact that we were in a LDR changes things a little bit. I cant just forget he existed and walk away...I think that is would seem more like denial. I already am far away from his reach anyways, but emotionally I am still attached. I can move on with my life and phase him out. That's more what I was hoping for is an eventual fade out. More concrete evidence that he doesn't love me. If he just stops talking to me for a month or more at a time. If he really didn't care about me, he will stop contacting me eventually and there will be a fade out right?
Liono84 Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Hey OP, first off, I'm sorry for what you're going thru. It sucks, and there's no words that will make you feel better. I can relate in many ways to your story because my most recent break was also a LDR and I'll share with you some of my insight. I don't know how long you were with your ex, how far away and how frequently you saw each other, but that def plays a big role into the analysis of things. I was in a LDR for a little over a year. My ex also was from the same city I was in, but she left for grad school across coasts. Although distance was a big hurdle, we still managed to talk/text every day and routinely visited one another every 6 weeks on average. We had talked about her returning back home where her family, friends and I reside, but in the end, she said she was unsure of many things including whether or not she would return home or not. I know what you're going through. I've been in a few R/S throughout my life, and I can unequivocally say that LDR are by far the worst!! I will never again waste my time in attempting another one and I can probably say they also are one of the toughest to get over because we keep blaming the end due to the distance rather than our partner or our lack of compatibility with one another as a couple or anything else. Though success stories do happen, they are far and few in between. It's a difficult breakup because I'm sure you are thinking like I was; If it were not for the distance, we would indeed still be together. You must realize, though distance was a factor, it didn't have to be. It ended because he wanted to end it. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't know the reasons behind it are, but LDR's as with any R/S's come down to the same fundamental reasons. He either found someone else, is in process of finding someone else, or simply fell out of love with you. Whether he blames it because of stress, school, work, or the fact that he's unsure, or GIGS, or anything else, it's all the same. If someone really loves you, they WILL find a way to past hurdles and make it work. Now, with your question. What you're doing is the worst thing you can do for your healing, because for one, you keep reminding yourself of the breakup by keeping in contact with him, and two, you are making yourself look bad by diminishing your self worth. You deserve better!!! Go NC and never look bad. You not only need to stop responding when he initiates contact to you over text/phone, but you also have to delete him off all social media, for your own good in healing. He ended it with you, and you didn't want it to end but yet that's what he wished for so you agreed to it, so why are you still agreeing to remain and play on his terms by keeping in contact and being friends?? A reconciliation is usually on the unlikely side with any breakup, but with a LDR it is further unlikely because even if a dumper starts having regret, this distance alone makes them think what's the point if I'm not going to see my ex. It is further unlikely when you keep contact with an ex because they start losing respect for you and you become 'Friend-zoned.' I hope you do better, and I'm sure you will. If u need any advice feel free to message me. Take care and be strong!
marky00 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I think the fact that we were in a LDR changes things a little bit. I cant just forget he existed and walk away...I think that is would seem more like denial. I already am far away from his reach anyways, but emotionally I am still attached. Yeh mine was 9 years LDR, so I know all about that. I think LDR breakup are worse in some ways because even once one break-up, for a long time it kind of feels the same anyway. I mean besides not being able to call and stuff, most LDRs mean long periods of no face-face realtionship, so its tempting to see things as virtually the same post BU. LDR are just so hard to make successful. Me and my Ex really were a dream couple but the personal issues we faced on each end gradually killed the love in the relationship (well from her perspective anyway). Im sure you are thinking like me. "If only we had spent more time together in real, everyting would have been different". I think about that what-if all the time. It sux. But ...... if our Exes felt like we did, they wouldn't have walked. I think we have to be realistic about that fact.
mightycpa Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Yeah, I did. Five years, then LDR, then breakup. She wouldn't leave me alone, and I finally decided she was a selfish little bitch who apparently couldn't take a hint. I decided to get mean with her, and I haven't heard from her since. It's been a relief from that day forward. She brought it on herself, so I never felt bad about it. If you value the peace you can't seem to get, I recommend that. It works when all else fails.
Protec Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 He is just using you as a "buffer". My ex-gf did the same thing for me. She sent me selfies, called me, sent messages etc. Just because she was lonely. She had no interest of coming back or taking me back (i asked, also, she made me feel she would like to have me back. She gave really mixed signals), she just used me as a safety-zone as long as she would find someone new. So i think this is what is going on with your ex.
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