Silver_star Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 I'm having a really hard time understanding if I got broken up with because of his grief over a loved one, or someone else in the picture, or both, and its really hard to find closure when I don't know the answer... I met a guy in February this year online because I was going on a trip to Europe in the Fall and wanted to meet some fun people to hang out with. We ended up hitting it off extremely well for being 6000km away, and things escalated quickly to the point we were texting and talking everyday, and he came to visit me in May. We hit it off in person as well. We went on road trips, and had a great time together, never ran out of things to talk about and had great sex. It happened fast (in the span of 4 months) but I really hadn't felt this way in a long time, and I fell in love with him. We both told each other we loved each other (he said it first within 2 months). Basically long story short(er), we planned to go on the europe trip together and one of us make a HUGE move across the world by next year. In August his grandpa passed away and he was grieving. He started to withdraw from me the week after the funeral. I did what I could in offering my support, and care. I felt the withdraw from him, and brought it up. He said he was feeling less connected to me in the past weeks but it would be okay when I got there. When I got there and we settled in and were making out and about to have sex (not yet naked) he said it didn't feel right to him. He said that it felt "off". That pretty well ended things romantically and I was rejected and devastated. We still decided to go on the trip and I asked him several times what was really up with him, why he let me go...he said he was confused because he was attracted to some other girls all of a sudden and that it surprised him because his feelings for me were there too, but he felt it means that he must not love me anymore :S Since I left he says he misses me a lot, and said he just confused about his feelings, that he thinks I am amazing and wants to be in my life, but is needing some time to figure some things out. What does that mean? What does he have to figure out? I don't get it. I am heart broken. I literally had the visa application already filled out and was going to move there to build a life with him. Does grief make you break up with your loved one? What is that about? Did he really love me at all? Maybe he has feelings for someone else? Was I a rebound? All these doubts and questions now. How do you go from being 100% ALL IN and 1 month later, not want a future with that person, not even want to cuddle with them after 3 months apart? He said that he wants to come visit me again someday...I really feel like he is trying to leave the door open a crack to come back into my life when he is emotionally available, but I hurt so badly I am not able to heal in the mean time unless I completely shut out that possibility, and once I do I wont be able to love him the same way again and that makes me sad. I love him SO SO much, but waiting around for someone who isn't sure if they really love you or not, is just a horrible existence. Any advice on this appreciated. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 2, 2015 Posted November 2, 2015 Grieve over the death of a loved one affects people differently. He's taking it pretty hard but it can make somebody feel disconnected from the whole world.
Author Silver_star Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 Thanks for your reply. yes I understand that grief affects everyone differently. I don't blame him from withdrawing, and I could forgive him for seeking out the comfort of others in my absence, but I was there with him in September and we had a chance and a small window of opportunity to be together...and he turned away from me? Why would it be weird to get close to me but not strangers?
Author Silver_star Posted November 2, 2015 Author Posted November 2, 2015 Should I hold onto hope that he will get over what ever he is confused about and come back to me? Since he says he definitely wants to come visit me in the future ( 10 hour flight away). If it was his way of coping with his loss...I could understand and start new with him... but how long do I wait for him to come around?
Author Silver_star Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 It's just been 4 days NC, and before that it was just small talk here and there. He broke up with me at the end of September. The relationship seemed fine (to me). We never fought. We were super long distance and planning to close the distance next year. He had a death in the family and then lost feelings for me, and said he feels things for other women, like attraction, but I'm not sure if it goes deeper than that. He said he needed to figure things out, and he misses me so much and wants to talk here and there to me. I allowed it for a while, and then I told him not to text me because its hard for me to be happy and move on when I keep getting little texts from him about his life (mostly about his going out activities, and his pets, and so on), and it messes with my head, and I wont get over him if I am still so connected and attached. He said he get's that, and is sad but understands my view. Now it's been 4 days since we chatted and I miss him so much it makes me physically sick. I've never loved somebody so much, and I don't know what to do. I know he misses me too, and that he is confused. I know I need to let him go, and figure his stuff out, but its hard to let go, and so hard to give up especially under these circumstances. It's not really his fault, because he is grieving.
d0nnivain Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 You have to take some stock. Being physically sick isn't helping anyone, especially you. the loss of a love is hard thing. But you have to breathe. It's nothing you can fix. He's despondent over a death. All you can do is let him go. Sit down & make a plan for some self care. Surround yourself with positive & supportive people. Take a walk. Take a hot bath. Indulge in your favorite food. You will get through this, as much as it sucks. 4
Samuel_22 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 It's just been 4 days NC, and before that it was just small talk here and there. He broke up with me at the end of September. The relationship seemed fine (to me). We never fought. We were super long distance and planning to close the distance next year. He had a death in the family and then lost feelings for me, and said he feels things for other women, like attraction, but I'm not sure if it goes deeper than that. He said he needed to figure things out, and he misses me so much and wants to talk here and there to me. I allowed it for a while, and then I told him not to text me because its hard for me to be happy and move on when I keep getting little texts from him about his life (mostly about his going out activities, and his pets, and so on), and it messes with my head, and I wont get over him if I am still so connected and attached. He said he get's that, and is sad but understands my view. Now it's been 4 days since we chatted and I miss him so much it makes me physically sick. I've never loved somebody so much, and I don't know what to do. I know he misses me too, and that he is confused. I know I need to let him go, and figure his stuff out, but its hard to let go, and so hard to give up especially under these circumstances. It's not really his fault, because he is grieving. Hello, I would like you to push the back button and see how many threads and posts are here on this website alone, now how many websites like this one exists out there on the internet? the point? it is always hard, when you have feelings for someone and that person is either confused or is acting as if he/she is confused or simply put, no longer wants you. I am not alienated from this pain either, like other people here, I am heartbroken too, the difference between you and me? I am 3 months ahead of you. Only God knows what I have been through in these 3 months. One ,outside this website, can only imagine, the grief and sadness we are experiencing. My RS only lasted for 7 months, she was not over her ex and went back to him, seemingly as soon as she saw the bridge lowered, she ran as fast as she could to be with him. She used to say she was confused and things as such, I never knew why she was confused, because she had not told me she about her RS. She had lied to me about this one. The hardest part for me was that, I always treated her like a princess. We never had a fight, never argued about anything. I kept asking myself ''why?'' and I couldn't find any answers. I can't find any answers to be honest. There is just this one quote, from a video game I used to play when I was only 7/8,''Thank you Mario! But our princess is another castle'' What can we do? The answer is not my favorite one, I am a stubborn person, and I never take ''No'' as an answer, but this time the answer is ''Nothing''. It takes two people to make a RS work and, well if they don't want us for whatever the reason they have, so what can we do? I am not going to lie to you, it is not easy, after 3 months, still there are some awful days, there are some great ones too. Don't break NC, under any circumstance, I have broken NC twice and I have already paid the price, had I not broken NC, I would have progressed faster and better. 5
Author Silver_star Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 Thank you. I appreciate your replies and stories of similar pain. It makes me feel less like I am going to die of heartbreak, or be alone forever. haha. I don't really believe in random confusion either. If you are your true self to yourself and others, you wont have confusion about your wants. It should be clear. I feel it would have been easier for him to just tell me he was going back to an ex for comfort or because he liked her better...then I wouldn't feel like he is just sad and fell out of love with me because he is depressed. I am trying to understand, but its true like you said, we don't always get the answers we seek. Just looking forward to getting through the week, and not feeling sick all the time and welling up at the thought of never seeing him again. 1
pidgeon1010 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Sorry you are going through this. You can do it! It gets much better as time passes. I went through such a horrendous time. The pain was excruciating and I didn't think I would ever recover. I am 5 months NC and doing much better than I was when I was still in contact with my ex and hoping he would snap out of his depression regarding his career (or lack thereof) and tell me he made a mistake about us. I stuck around for one solid month responding to his daily emails and providing him support as he want through the "woe is me" phase and he put talking about our relationship on the back-burner. He said it would take him time to think and apologized for not focusing on us. I finally snapped after one month of no progress about reconciliation and quit responding to his emails. I just had enough. I let him go for my own sanity and emotional well-being. Why was waiting on him to pick me?!!! This is not to say I don't miss him (and I do have setbacks in my recovery) but I committed to moving forward with my life and I look forward to what the future holds. Best wishes to you! 2
K2z Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Physicality and emotions are linked during a time like this. Hydrate, eat small amounts of simple comfort food, and get some movement like walking and basic stretches. The body, and the heart, are in a state of emergency. Go through the motions for the moment, as if you were actually down with a flu or something. 2
bmajor Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 I am so thankful for all of these responses. It's only been two and a half weeks since my breakup well the final break up. And only three days of no contact. All I can think to do is breathe in and breathe out and keep doing that and hopefully it will get easier. I'm told that it does. It truly is like detoxing from a drug. I did so well in the beginning. I blocked his number and he kept emailing me and I was able to ignore it until Halloween night and then I responded. It didn't make me feel better it just set me back 10 paces. Breathe in and breathe out and know that we are here for you. And even if you don't pray or believe in god try it I promise you just try it!
Samuel_22 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Thank you. I appreciate your replies and stories of similar pain. It makes me feel less like I am going to die of heartbreak, or be alone forever. haha. I don't really believe in random confusion either. If you are your true self to yourself and others, you wont have confusion about your wants. It should be clear. I feel it would have been easier for him to just tell me he was going back to an ex for comfort or because he liked her better...then I wouldn't feel like he is just sad and fell out of love with me because he is depressed. I am trying to understand, but its true like you said, we don't always get the answers we seek. Just looking forward to getting through the week, and not feeling sick all the time and welling up at the thought of never seeing him again. You will make it, we will all make it.... we are all here to help each other, as long as we are not alone, we can do all the impossible. the wisdom of people on this website helped me survive. Survival is the best world I can use for my case. There is this one episode, and like all episodes in TV series and real life, this episode will soon end. I am not a religious person, but I like this sentence from Bible, '' Maybe there was pain in the night, joy came in the mornings.'' we are going to be fine, just make sure to post here, when you feel you need someone to talk to, or when you get the urge to contact him. Good luck
ExpatInItaly Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 You have to take some stock. Being physically sick isn't helping anyone, especially you. the loss of a love is hard thing. But you have to breathe. It's nothing you can fix. He's despondent over a death. All you can do is let him go. Sit down & make a plan for some self care. Surround yourself with positive & supportive people. Take a walk. Take a hot bath. Indulge in your favorite food. You will get through this, as much as it sucks. Read this advice again and again, OP. It's hard, but anyone who's been through a sudden break-up knows what you're feeling and it really does get better. Just take it a day at a time and stay NC. Out of curiosity, had you met him in-person? Your post said you were very long-distance but I didn't see if you know him offline/in-person or not.
Author Silver_star Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Thank you. Mornings are the worst. I reach for my phone out of habit. We would usually talk the most in the mornings due to the time difference. I had met him back in May. He had come to see me. Booked his flight (10hours) and we were both taking a risk at that point that it may not work out in person. But we had the same connection in person instantly. We had sex and connected in every way. We told each other we loved each other in person too, and it was real at the time. He didn't want to leave the airport. Then I get there 3 months later and his romantic feelings for me are gone. I can tell he cares about me on some level, but it wasn't the same. Where does the love go?
Author Silver_star Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 I still have him on my facebook...it feels like the last lifeline out to him. I don't login to my Skype anymore, or any other way we used to communicate where I can see his presence online. I am trying to keep off facebook because when I do go on and I see he is online. I feel so much pain and longing to talk to him or for him to reach out to me and tell me how much he misses me and that he is going through the same pain and is coming to be with me. haha delusional I know. But he never used to be on Facebook as much as he is now. All his close friends are on his whatsapp if he wants to chat, and he is not a crazy FB status poster. I just wonder what he is doing on there all the time, or if he is doing what I am doing and seeing if i'm online and will talk to him???
ExpatInItaly Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Sadly, a lot of people are just not cut out for long-distance. A lot us need regular physical contact and closer proximity to maintain a connection; I am one of those people. I simply cannot fully enjoy or commit to a long-distance relationship, my interest wanes. I know that it's not for me. I know it hurts, but he's done the right thing here, especially if he told you he's having some feelings for other women. You will overcome this. Time really is your best friend, along with No Contact. I really don't believe it's anything personal. The circumstances just don't lend themselves to a relationship for him.
Author Silver_star Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 I wish I could believe that was the reason...because we were both willing to close the distance by the end of this year and see if it could work when we are together all the time. I was willing to come to him, so his life wouldn't have had to change that much except I would have been in it more. So he didn't want that to happen I guess. But he misses me, and I know he loved me. I felt his love with every part of my being...until one day I didn't as much anymore...and that is what scares me...how does it go away?
Meli22 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 OP you've probably heard this too many times but time really is a healer. I really felt for you as I read your story. I can remember feeling exactly like you when I first broke up with my ex. My entire body ached and I couldn't eat for ages. I used to wake up shaking with anxiety and I felt lows I didn't know existed! That was 7 months ago and I can tell you that after around one month, I slowly started to experience a few happier moments. Gradually, the happier moments overtake the dark times and your life suddenly gets back on track. Without you noticing. one piece of advice my mum gave to me was to do one thing each day that makes you feel some element of joy. Even something as small as having a coffee, or taking a bath, a walk, or gazing at birds in the trees. If you promise to do something each day that is positive, then you're on the right track. Exercising is also great. Whenever I felt depressed, working out helped because it released endorphins that would take over the sadness. Plus, you get fitter = win win I can't promise this will be easy but you're on the right track now. Keep telling yourself that you deserve SO much better. And as hard as it is to see it know, just know that one thing is for certain; you WILL get over this. 1
Author Silver_star Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Thank you for your kind advice. Time heals all for sure...I am just so not there yet. My distractions have been work, LS, friends, Netflix, writing, and reading a new book. But to say my thoughts aren't 95% with my ex throughout the day would be a lie at this point. It's hard to have faith that I'll find that kind of connection we shared again. That scares the hell out of me.
Author Silver_star Posted November 5, 2015 Author Posted November 5, 2015 he messaged me today. Telling me he cant believe its been a month since he has seen me, and asked how I was. Like, come on, WHY???
Author Silver_star Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 One day you will get away from the pain of your break up. I'm not going to lie and say I am completely over my BU situation (2 months ago) but on Tuesday I went to work, still sad...still trolling FB to see if he would come online and talk to me, and then something happened. I had been trying to remember what my dreams and goals were before I met my Ex and while I was still with my ex that I never fully pursued. Any time anyone mentioned TRAVEL, or work advancement, or professional development courses that interested me my ears perked up and I talked about it. I pursued, like I have never pursued before. I made that my goal. Get hungry to achieve those dreams you put on hold. What it did was lead to a great opportunity to travel abroad and further my career. I haven't been so excited since before the BU, and its completely about ME, not about him. I think about him still of course, but I am not full of sadness during my day and tying my happiness to being with him, or him realizing what a mistake he made and coming back. Eventually my feelings for him will be completely neutral. He let me go, and now its up to me to move on with my life and make it as awesome as possible. His loss. So fill up your life and "the void" you are feeling with things that excite you, and interest you and eventually you will get an opportunity to act, and it will shift your focus back onto yourself. It's just a matter of time, and putting your energy in the right place. 3
Gmuck Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I must say I'm jealous that you are able to move on within 2 months of bu. Plus while you are looking at social media. What are the ages? How long did you date? Did you live together? Does he have a gf or dating now? I wish I could move online you. It's been 4 months and I'm half way there. Far from over though
Author Silver_star Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 Like I said, I am aware that I am not completely over it, because I still get pangs every now and then of missing him when I see his pics or what not (I try to just stay away from looking at those things), but I am not hurting anymore for the last 2 days because I am so invested in creating a new future for myself, and I am super excited about it. It has breathed a new life into me. I realize that everyone's relationship is going to be different and will impact the amount of time it takes to heal, but I am 29 and he is mid thirties. I thought he was "the one". We dated for 8 months, we both talked about moving in together and getting married. We spoke everyday. Skyped, and saw each other in that time. Had good sex, and good conversation. Little to no arguments. He broke it off, and said he didn't feel the same anymore, somewhat out of the blue, but he had been going through some stuff. He did not wish to reconcile in the three weeks post break up when there was ample opportunity. At this point the relationship is long past dead. He is on his own doing his thing, and I am on my own doing my thing. It's a consequence of his choices and I am making the best out of it by going after good things in my life. Forgetting about men for a while. Ironically, that is when they seem to come out of the woodwork.
burnt Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I had been trying to remember what my dreams and goals were before I met my Ex and while I was still with my ex that I never fully pursued. Isn't it funny that you have to try to remember what you used to love before the BU. I have been going for long walks, as I always used to, except now I do that in an attempt to try to remember how I used to feel. I'm so fully aware of my own inner dialogue, saying to myself, "remember…you used to love the trees…the nature…the flowers…Try to recapture that feeling..." It's like I'm trying to remember the person I used to be. It feels like writing my own eulogy for myself. So fill up your life and "the void" you are feeling with things that excite you, and interest you and eventually you will get an opportunity to act, and it will shift your focus back onto yourself. It's just a matter of time, and putting your energy in the right place. I have been thinking of the same thing for a while now. But I feel like running a comedy show in my head; I gather all my energy to think of a project, and then … Give Up. damn it. back to curl up in ball and wallow in misery. So glad to hear you've overcome; hope I am able to use your inspiration.
Author Silver_star Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 It doesn't have to be a big project...maybe you just decide you are going to do a little hike one weekend with a friend. To be with nature and a friend. Unplugged from the rest of the world. After that, maybe you plan a trip...somewhere you always wanted to go that would inspire you?
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