Ohman007 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Hello Everyone, *warning, long post! But I need help* I recently broke up with a girl that I had been dating for about 7 months. In the beginning, we were just being casual and having fun with each other; I would be leaving in a few months after graduation, and she wasn't really interested in a relationship. However, as time went on, feelings for each other grew, to the point where we decided to try long distance after I left. Now, this was a big thing for her, because she was still heartbroken over breaking up with her previous ex. But I guess I helped her get over him, and she really fell for me. I fell for her too, but more on that in a moment... This girl and I really clicked; we have the same ideals, we both like to just relax and have a night in, and we both make each other laugh. However, it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine; she did some things to me towards he beginning of when we stared to get serious (before the LD) that really hurt me, and made me insecure about our relationship. I was on my toes constantly, waiting for the next bomb to be dropped that would end our relationship. A few weeks ago. I got this weird feeling of anxiety when I was with her, and couldn't shake that feeling. I visited her twice during that time, and tried my hardest to forget the feeling, and just be with her, but I just couldn't. I don't know how to explain the feeling other than I just started to doubt everything, wether or not I wanted to do this. She is obviously heart broken, she said that she was "honored" to be dating me, because I was such a good guy. And now I'm breaking her heart, and I'm really scared as to why. I'm scared that maybe I just got bored of her, or that I didn't love her as much as I thought I did? Or that maybe I have commitment issues, and am doomed to do this over and over. I'm honestly considering never dating again, I'm hurting her so bad and I never wanted to do this to her. Please, any comments, thoughts, etc. are welcomed and desperately needed.
Wewon Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 she did some things to me towards he beginning of when we stared to get serious (before the LD) that really hurt me, and made me insecure about our relationship. I was on my toes constantly, waiting for the next bomb to be dropped that would end our relationship. Sounds like something happened that you couldn't quite shake, it permeated the relationship and it eventually ended. Unless the "thing" was petty or trivial, why would you assume that this is some chronic problem with your ability to commit?
Author Ohman007 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 Definitely wasn't something trivial, and it was also something that has occurred in the past. I am worried that I have commitment issues because I have been reading around about what may have happened, and situations that sound like mine have been linked with people getting 'bored" of the relationship, or not being able to reconcile coming out of the "honeymoon phase". Idk, maybe I am just overthinking this. I just really wish that I didn't hurt her, and that I could be what she thought I was. But such is life, I guess.
mightycpa Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 I'm curious why that would worry you. What exactly are you worried about and why? That you're incapable of committing to a woman? If that's the case, there has to be more to it than you've just started to figure out she's not the girl for you. And this anxiety thing? What's that about? You think she's going to hurt you somehow? You sound like you don't trust this girl. There are one of three causes for that: 1) She's given you reason not to trust her. 2) She's given you no reason not to trust her, but you hear things. 3) You're a whack job who projects his own lack of trustworthiness on other people (people you date) Which is it? You sound like you're difficult to be with because of all your anxiety and worry.
Meli22 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 I think whatever happened that caused you not to trust her may have eaten away at you and eventually built up some kind of resentment towards her? Did she cheat? It's hard to say without details. If it was something trivial, you could have anxiety about something else.
Author Ohman007 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 Geez, I don't even like posting about it here because I know she's not a bad person, just made a bad mistake... She hooked up with another guy when we were going out (before we were totally serious and committed to one another). She told me about it, knew that it would hurt me (we both obviously had feelings for each other). I was able to forgive her, and was really concerned about how it made her feel. She would hang out with the guy after she told me, and knew it bothered the hell out of me. But i would always tell her it was okay, because she's "independent" and doesn't like people to tell her what to do (I know how this sounds...). After I left, we decided that we wanted to try and "date" in long distance; we would be honest with each other and tell each other if we found someone else that we liked, and we would visit each other. Then a few days later she kissed another dude. I forgave her again, because I really wanted to be with her (I know how this sounds too... lol). Things were fine after that, but i did always have in the back of my mind thoughts of her "cheating" on me again... and then as time went on I ended up having that feeling of anxiety. I know how this all sounds, that I should just cut my losses and be happy that I got away from that, but I really truly believe that she was done with things like that. She told me she loved me a few weeks ago (before the breakup and stuff) and really seemed like I was the one for her. Idk, I just feel really messed up because I did this after she told me that she loves me, and after she had such a bad breakup with her previous boyfriend. Also, I haven't been able to give her a straight reason as to why I broke up with her. As for the commitment thing, I'm just worried because I really liked this girl, really wanted to be with her, and then at some point my feelings just changed.
mightycpa Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Geez, I don't even like posting about it here because I know she's not a bad person, just made a bad mistake... She hooked up with another guy when we were going out (before we were totally serious and committed to one another). She told me about it, knew that it would hurt me (we both obviously had feelings for each other). I was able to forgive herHer feelings at the time are not so obvious to me, and forgive her for what? You weren't totally serious, and you weren't committed., and was really concerned about how it made her feel. She would hang out with the guy after she told me, and knew it bothered the hell out of me. But i would always tell her it was okay, because she's "independent" and doesn't like people to tell her what to do (I know how this sounds...). That's really your fault. If you didn't think it was ok, you should have said something else. After I left, we decided that we wanted to try and "date" in long distance; we would be honest with each other and tell each other if we found someone else that we liked, and we would visit each other. Then a few days later she kissed another dude. I forgave her again "Date" meaning exclusively? It seems like she lived up to her end of your bargain, so what exactly did you forgive her for?, because I really wanted to be with her (I know how this sounds too... lol). Things were fine after that, but i did always have in the back of my mind thoughts of her "cheating" on me again... and then as time went on I ended up having that feeling of anxiety. "cheating" being in double quotes for a reason that you seem to be very aware of.... ie, that she didn't cheat. She was just a little loosey-goosey. I know how this all sounds, that I should just cut my losses and be happy that I got away from that, but I really truly believe that she was done with things like that. She told me she loved me a few weeks ago (before the breakup and stuff) and really seemed like I was the one for her. Idk, I just feel really messed up because I did this after she told me that she loves me, and after she had such a bad breakup with her previous boyfriend. Also, I haven't been able to give her a straight reason as to why I broke up with her. As for the commitment thing, I'm just worried because I really liked this girl, really wanted to be with her, and then at some point my feelings just changed. You know, it strikes me that you want to date her when she's not all that into you, but you're too chicken to demand commitment, and now that she wants commitment, you're out. I don't think that has anything to do with being a commitmentphobe, but you really need to self-advocate a lot better than you do. You're very unfair to yourself, and your partners being the way you are. Listen, it happens. A lot. You really like somebody, then for no good reason, you don't. This forum is littered with stories about that. It happens all the time.
Meli22 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 OP how old are you? Could it be the thought of settling now is making you feel anxious because you're young, at university (?) and want to have the full experience? Just a thought.
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