He's threatening to kill himself

[vukame]

Hi, I'm a long time lurker and I need some advice. My fiancé' and I are supposed to be married next month -

 

1) My family doesn't approve of this wedding (mostly for religious purposes) also because my fiance and I had intense fights while dating and I had confided in my Mom. She didn't like how he was treating me and she has refused to meet him. Because of her -- NO ONE will go to my wedding. Not a single family member on my side.

 

2) My fiance is telling me that he can't wait to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me...on most days. But, during a horrible fight the other night he told me he didn't think I could handle the stress of my family and he was also angry I spent part of my own paycheck. He said that he was in charge of the finances and since I don't listen -- he wants a prenup. He says he can't marry someone like me.

 

I was SO angry that he would say this...he said "well, look at you... you are acting insane!"

 

3) The whole fight began because I was very upset that he talks to his family in a different language. They are cuban and they all speak perfect english. But, my fiance was talking on the phone to his mother and I only understand a few words...but I knew they were talking about me. He refuses to talk in English.

 

I told him that it bothered me that he does that...and he does that with others too. I'll be having a conversation in English with someone and he will walk in...start speaking spanish and then completely leave me standing there not knowing wtf they said. I have asked him not to do this! He says "you just like being the center of attention and when you aren't...this is what you do....set me up."

 

So this fight actually ended to me going into the other bedroom. He came up and said he was leaving me. I freaked out and said OMG! How dare you? I ran downstairs and started getting a few of my belongings (it's his house) so I threw them in a bag and said I WILL LEAVE. He said he was going to let the lawyers sort it all out! I said LAWYERS? He said yes -- we obvioulsy need property division.

 

This ended with him begging me (eventually) not to leave. Telling me to stop causing problems and the next morning he was incapable of going to work. He was curled up in a ball crying like a baby. I hugged him and tried to calm him. He said no one loves him etc. I told him I DO! But, I deserve respect!

 

He said he was probably going to end his life. I eventually got him to go to work and then last night things were much better. But, he was walking around the grocery store saying he was so depressed and while he wouldn't shoot himself...he would like to swallow a bottle of pills and be done with it.

 

I didn't react. He said "I won't do that....but it sure sounds like a good thing right now."

 

He says he feels every area of his life is a disaster right now. I just listened. Then this morning he was back to normal and telling me he didn't want to get out of bed because he loves laying with me and being with me...always.

 

I'm very worried. I asked for therapy, he said no.

[Httm]

This is a disaster on so many levels. Run far, far away and be thankful that you found out NOW before you were married to this guy!

[PegNosePete]

Yes run away from this guy as fast as you can. Do not marry him unless you enjoy living your life like this! It will not get better once you are married, it will only get worse!!!

 

If he's serious about his suicide threats then you should call someone to get help. That doesn't mean you should be the one to help him. You should call someone to help him, then leave.

[Art_Critic]

I know you are looking for advice on what to do to save this but honestly I can't give any advice on that, why on earth would you want to be tied to him ?

 

Super Controlling, Abusive, Self Harms and you guys aren't even married...

Many Domestic Violence situations start out with Financial control.. don't give that up ever...

 

geez...please don't marry this guy.. listen to your Mom and get away from him..

[Satu]

Eject, eject, eject.

[Gloria25]

Call 911. They will probably hospitalize him for a day or so to check his mental health. If he's ok, they'll send him home....if not, he'll get the mental help he needs.

 

I just wonder why are you trying to marry someone when all these problems exist? Did you two ever do 6 months of premarital counseling?

 

If your parents and others don't care for him, no one wants to come to your marriage, etc., don't you think that's a bad sign?

[Gloria25]

BTW, you know when it's a manipulation and control game? When like him, people refuse to seek treatment, cuz they know doctors are gonna catch them in their lies and games/control is over.

 

That's another reason why I recommend calling 911. He can't tell the paramedics to leave if they deem he's suicidal and/or mentally ill.

[vukame]

Is it wrong of me to ask for my fiance to talk in English around me? Is that a difficult request? That's what set off my of this....

 

And while we were dating...he threatened to kill himself ...and I was out of town. I called 911 and he was very angry. Apparently he was drunk and fell asleep and that's why he wouldn't answer any of my follow up calls.

 

He told me that he was taking pictures with the EMS crew that came in and joking with them....and that he asked them to stay for a drink. Then he sent the pcitures to his best friend and they thought it was SO FUNNY!

[PegNosePete]

BTW, you know when it's a manipulation and control game? When like him, people refuse to seek treatment

Er, people who are genuinely suicidal also refuse treatment for a great many reasons. I don't think that is a very good litmus test.

[d0nnivain]

When one person you are close to does not like your SO, it's a personality conflict. When everybody doesn't like your SO, you are missing something & you would be wise to consider their opinions.

 

Your FI has a lot of issues. This drama will only get worse not better. A prenup does nothing about how money is spent during the marriage. If you are not married you don't need lawyers to split up. This guy seems a bit histrionic. If he won't get therapy you need to seriously consider walking away.

 

If you genuinely think he's serious about killing himself, call 9-11 & have him involuntarily committed to a 72 hour psych hold.

[vukame]

Is it wrong of me to ask for my fiance to talk in English around me? Is that a difficult request? That's what set off all of this.... I just think it is weird that his family (and friends) speak English just fine and I will sit and dinner and listen to them talk in Spanish. Every once in awhile they will ask me something in English -- but the majority is leaving me out.

 

And he calls to tell his mom something (with me in the car) and he won't talk in English. I recorded the call and I am going to have it translated. I want to know what he's saying about me.

 

And while we were dating...he threatened to kill himself ...and I was out of town. I called 911 and he was very angry. Apparently he was drunk and fell asleep and that's why he wouldn't answer any of my follow up calls.

 

He told me that he was taking pictures with the EMS crew that came in and joking with them....and that he asked them to stay for a drink. Then he sent the pcitures to his best friend and they thought it was SO FUNNY!

[PegNosePete]

Is it wrong of me to ask for my fiance to talk in English around me? Is that a difficult request? That's what set off my of this....

 

And while we were dating...he threatened to kill himself ...and I was out of town. I called 911 and he was very angry. Apparently he was drunk and fell asleep and that's why he wouldn't answer any of my follow up calls.

 

He told me that he was taking pictures with the EMS crew that came in and joking with them....and that he asked them to stay for a drink. Then he sent the pcitures to his best friend and they thought it was SO FUNNY!

Yeah, he really sounds like good quality husband material

 

What on earth are you doing still with him?

[vukame]

I don't know how to leave -- even though I have threatened it. I just love him. I guess I have become so attached.

 

I love so much of our life -- but lately all we do is fight. I went to work yesterday and my eyes were so swollen and bloodshot. I don't even look like myself anymore because we are up late and fighting.

 

I looked in the mirror the other day and just stared into blank eyes. I have lost so much that I used to have and I am not sure I have the strength to leave. I feel married to him. We've been living together for a year and he has always been with me whereever I go....

[Httm]

Is it wrong of me to ask for my fiance to talk in English around me? Is that a difficult request? That's what set off my of this....

 

And while we were dating...he threatened to kill himself ...and I was out of town. I called 911 and he was very angry. Apparently he was drunk and fell asleep and that's why he wouldn't answer any of my follow up calls.

 

He told me that he was taking pictures with the EMS crew that came in and joking with them....and that he asked them to stay for a drink. Then he sent the pcitures to his best friend and they thought it was SO FUNNY!

 

You aren't listening...

[d0nnivain]

I don't know how to leave -- even though I have threatened it. I just love him. I guess I have become so attached.

 

I love so much of our life -- but lately all we do is fight. I went to work yesterday and my eyes were so swollen and bloodshot. I don't even look like myself anymore because we are up late and fighting.

 

I looked in the mirror the other day and just stared into blank eyes. I have lost so much that I used to have and I am not sure I have the strength to leave. I feel married to him. We've been living together for a year and he has always been with me whereever I go....

 

What's there to love about any of that? Having peace & quality of life with drama & constant fighting is good thing. What you have is not.

 

Yes, change is scary. Part of you may not want to admit that your family was right.

 

But in the long run, getting away from him is probably for the best.

[Httm]

I don't know how to leave -- even though I have threatened it. I just love him. I guess I have become so attached.

 

I love so much of our life -- but lately all we do is fight. I went to work yesterday and my eyes were so swollen and bloodshot. I don't even look like myself anymore because we are up late and fighting.

 

I looked in the mirror the other day and just stared into blank eyes. I have lost so much that I used to have and I am not sure I have the strength to leave. I feel married to him. We've been living together for a year and he has always been with me whereever I go....

 

You know exactly how. You just don't want to.

 

You love so much the THOUGHT of what your life could be.

 

You will have to find the strength to leave or you will destroy your life. Years later you will look back and ask what you have done to yourself. It'll come back to this crucial decision.

 

You are only weak if you allow yourself to be.

[d0nnivain]

You have only been living with him for a year. You can live on your own again. Don't let a temporary mistake turn into a permanent one.

[PegNosePete]

I don't know how to leave

Well the first person you have to convince, is yourself. You have to realize that you deserve better than this. You deserve happiness, as everyone does. This relationship is not making you happy. And it will not get any better. It will only get worse.

 

Once you believe that, the formalities and practicalities of ending the relationship are quite straightforward. We can help you with that if you like. But first, you need to convince yourself of the truth.

[vukame]

Yes I understand. And now I'm also realizing (after this fight) that any extra money I had made that he said he was "saving"...he's already spent.

 

I just took a new job 2 weeks ago and I got a 35 thousand dollar raise. However, i had expected it to be a 55 thousand dollar raise. My fiancé said he was very happy for me. I never told him that it was ONLY a 35k raise because I didn't want to be sad when he acted as if that wasn't good enough. (I know he would have).

 

So while we were fighting about money - I told him what I was really making. He went ballistic and said I couldn't be trusted and that he now had wasted SO much time basing a budget (lie) on my extra 20k that I "mysteriously" didn't receive.

 

I told him I was just so happy I got the raise that I did and he said it's good money but you lied to me and it makes me wonder what is wrong with you and if you lie about that...what else are you hiding. He said You think I want to marry someone like this??

 

The truth is we aren't even married and I am contributing an enormous amount to the bottom line. I leave a lot left over every month. And I felt hurt (as I knew I would) when he made it out like my failure to make and EXTRA 55k instead of 35k was a disappointment.

Edited November 3, 2015 by vukame

[blackcat777]

This guy is controlling and psychologically abusive. If you think your problems are bad NOW, wait until the knot is tied and you're legally bound to him. Please don't go down that path.

[vukame]

Well things got far worse yesterday. We were both at the coffee shop doing our work and every time I moved or grabbed my phone, he asked who I was talking to.

 

Then he told me that he didn't believe that my on site work (yesterday) really didn't take as long as it did and he suggested I was sitting and flirting with my bosses.

 

He questions who all my work contacts are. He suggests that the women are really men...

 

So, he saw a text come through and he asked who it was and I just said a woman co-worker's name because he was going to blow up and say I was cheating or something.

 

So what does he do? He calls the number. He finds out it is a man. So I tell him I have to work with the guy...and he's going to be in a meeting with me today. He blew up. He started researching him and spent 5 hours telling me I'm cheating. That I'm a liar. Then, he says he feels severely depressed and my actions are to blame.

 

He yelled at me all night. He kept saying that he can't trust me because I meet with men and he doesn't know what I'm doing at "work".

 

He wants me to take him to work and introduce him to all these people because he doesn't believe they are who I say they are.

 

He says when I go to work ...he doesn't know when im lying or what I'm doing.

 

Then later he went to bed and he was yelling again and said he was so sick of this and suggested he would masturbate to calm down!

 

Of course I flipped out and he said "you are always a victim...you never have compassion for me. You don't realize that I was just being extreme."

 

I said no that's emotional abuse and he said that "I" am abusing him.

[d0nnivain]

You shouldn't have lied to him about the gender of your work colleague. In his mind that was proof that you lie about everything.

 

However, him insisting that you bring him to work so he can meet your co-workers is absurd & controlling.

 

Clearly he doesn't trust you & this relationship is no longer viable. The only Q is when you are you going to put yourself out of this misery & end it?

[PegNosePete]

Jeeze, why are you still putting up with this?

 

Just GET OUT and end it. It's only going to get worse and worse.

[eye of the storm]

Picture living with this behavior for the rest of your life. It will only get worse.

 

I was almost fired once because my now ExH kept calling me at work. It caused problems with co-workers, my boss, and my subordinates. When I tried to explain to him that I couldn't keep answering all those calls I was screamed at. I forced myself to not answer his calls until my breaks or lunches. Which meant my breaks and lunches consisted of being screamed at.

 

You life will not improve as long as you have this guy sucking the life out of you.

 

It will get worse. Get out now while you can.

[VeveCakes]

This man has serious mental health issues. Either offer to help him get counselling or leave. My vote is leave because the red flags are flying up left right and centre.

 

Do not marry this man. It will not end well.