sickandtiredOfex Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 I've had terrible relationships, I've been hit, stolen off of, mentally abused that my trust in the opposite sex is non exsistant. I put it down to that I'm unloveable and that's how I should be treated like dirt I'm not feeling sorry for myself I'm used to it that's it's normal for me to know anything different, my dad was abusive to me when I was a child he'd drag me and my sisters around the house by our hair or torment us..suppose in a way growing up I always chose men that were bad for me because I was desperate to be loved. I'm now older with 2 children who are growing so fast that I'm now on my own watching them make their own lives while I sit in my numb little world waiting for my to make my own.ive never had a lot of friends as the men I have been with were controlling and most times abusive so the whole going out thing is not something I'm used to. I've tried online dating but every man on them are just wanting sex it's not something I'm looking for so I just kinda drift away from replying..I don't think I'm ugly but I'm not beautiful either, plus my ex was tormenting me on it to which kinda put a dampener on me trying to move on. Is it me that's the problem that men don't think I'm worth anything more than a causal fling? What I need in a man is someone that will fight for me and never be ashamed to be seen with me. I've never had that at all. I'm not meaning I need a man to be happy with but someone that I can become an equal to,have an adult conversation with ect. I'm scared I'll be left on the shelf bitter and alone. please give me advice
lilmissjava Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 I'm not meaning I need a man to be happy with but someone that I can become an equal to,have an adult conversation with ect. I'm scared I'll be left on the shelf bitter and alone. please give me advice It is an imperfect world and not everyone has found their equal. This forum is full of people who deserve much better than they have received. Myself included. In the end, it is up to us to become better people, to radiate that positive energy to attract the same. Have you considered counseling? It may help to engage in some one on one to help you with the issues you think you have. I know it's a tough world out there. Keep contact from your ex to a minimum, if he is your children's father, ensure that your contact is only about them and not about you moving on. You deserve so much better than that. I believe one day you will receive much more than you have ever wished for.
Author sickandtiredOfex Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 He's not my kids dad, so I don't have to contact him at all, he sees me moving on and likes to stir things up..I ignore him now
BLND Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 I think you have the right to want somebody by your side. Nobody wants to grow old and be alone no matter if you have children or not. You need a love life as well. I don't believe in the you don't need nobody, you have to love yourself, you can't need a man. You can be totally fulfilled in all other aspects of your life yet still need someone to complete the missing part which is, love. You need to stay positive and keep looking. The right person for you is still outthere. Once you decide that you can no longer accept the same type of men you've had so far, you will start attracting the right people.
Polar965 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 I can read the sadness in your post. You need to believe in yourself and surround yourself with different people. You will attract better people. Hang in there. You deserve better and it is out there. 1
hgroog Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 (edited) First, thank you for being a single mother. I am not one myself, but I know many and the struggle is real. Your children will grow to love and appreciate everything you've done for them despite your heartache. I'm in the same boat as you! I'm in my 30s yet, I've never had a fulfilling relationship with a man, and everyone I know says "just go focus on yourself for a while". Truth is, I've been focusing on myself for my entire life. I'm in school, I'm working, I've bought my own car and and lived independently for a long time. I've got that all down, so why can't I have a relationship? Don't I deserve to love and be loved too? why do I keep finding guys who don't find me worthy enough for one? To chime in with another poster here, counseling or therapy is a good option. It doesn't work for everyone and you have to find a good match (don't just stick with the first person you meet!) but it puts stuff into perspective. Its possible that I might be looking for men who are like my father. Emotionally Unavailable, Narcissistic and Abusive! There are little red flags as opposed to huge ones with this. I thought my recent ex was a great catch, but turns out he's the same as the rest so, breaking away from a cycle is not easy I guess. Continue to love yourself and stay positive. Good people are attracted to confidence. If a guy is intimidated about a women who is strong and confident, that says a lot. Don't settle, you know you deserve better than what you've been getting. Edited November 3, 2015 by hgroog
kendahke Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 (edited) What does "fight for me" even mean? Fighting for something is more about their intent wasn't there to back up actions that would indicate they had every intention on staying. You don't want any man where a fight, no matter what form it comes in, is expected. That is incompatibility when it devolves into having to do that. You want a man who will work with you, grow with you, stand in the gap for you and you do that same for him. re: your upbringing and it's present day impact: therapy is in order to pull that out by its roots so that you're not attracting this character type anymore. I'd suggest focusing on addressing issues from your upbringing so that you understand and recognize when a bad character has entered your life so that you begin attracting a far healthier character to you. Edited November 3, 2015 by kendahke
Guyouthere Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 there are good ones out there. you should read my original posts and see what I dealt with…. you will understand
Author sickandtiredOfex Posted November 3, 2015 Author Posted November 3, 2015 Someone that will fight for me is someone that will let me know he wants to be with me...not pretending but sees me as someone that he wants to be with
OnlyBelieve Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 My heart hurts for you. I am sorry you had a father that was abusive to you. Growing up, you have not experienced unconditional love from a man figure. You were not shown what qualities to look for in a person's character to have in order to build a safe and healthy relationship based from unconditional love. Instead you settled for what you thought was love. You have to begin with yourself. Learn to know who you are, how valuable you are. Learn to love yourself first and you will only desire to meet the people that have the same qualities. I believe you need healing from your past emotional and physical abuse. If you like to read, I highly recommend these two books. "The Missing Commandment: Love Yourself" By Jerry Basel, Denise Basel "Is This The One?: Insightful Dates for Finding the Love of Your Life" By Steve Arterburn I pray for your healing and that you will be able to see how valuable and lovable you are. Focus on you first and take your time. Blessings to you! 2
Author sickandtiredOfex Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 I don't need to guy I know and have experienced first hand how cruel people can be towards others...it's something I know to well and it can leave a mark that can't be washed away
OnlyBelieve Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 Yes, it can leave a mark. There are a lot of cruel people in the world. I sometimes wonder if they knew any better would they do better? There's also a lot of people in the world with hearts full of compassion that wants nothing but to see other people make it in the world full of joy and peace. Everyone has a story they can share about their childhood or life experiences. We can't erase what happened but we can learn how to not let it hold us in a cell. It does not have a key & lock to the rest of our life. What I mean is that the scars/wounds can be healed. You have a wonderful purpose in this life. Don't lose hope and don't ever give up. Do you have any social groups in your area with women your age that you can meet with? Have you thought of counseling? It's helpful to express our thoughts and feelings with someone we can trust. BTW, I am one of those people that have a heart full of compassion and care to see people get the help, advice, assistance they are searching for. I pray that you will be healed from your marks, scars and wounds and that the people who see your worth and how valuable you are will come into your life. I am glad that you are moving on. Believe that you will not be left bitter and alone. Don't live in fear, one day the right person for you will come. Just wait and be patient. Blessings to you,
empresario Posted November 5, 2015 Posted November 5, 2015 I've had terrible relationships, I've been hit, stolen off of, mentally abused that my trust in the opposite sex is non exsistant. I put it down to that I'm unloveable and that's how I should be treated like dirt I'm not feeling sorry for myself I'm used to it that's it's normal for me to know anything different, my dad was abusive to me when I was a child he'd drag me and my sisters around the house by our hair or torment us..suppose in a way growing up I always chose men that were bad for me because I was desperate to be loved. I'm now older with 2 children who are growing so fast that I'm now on my own watching them make their own lives while I sit in my numb little world waiting for my to make my own.ive never had a lot of friends as the men I have been with were controlling and most times abusive so the whole going out thing is not something I'm used to. I've tried online dating but every man on them are just wanting sex it's not something I'm looking for so I just kinda drift away from replying..I don't think I'm ugly but I'm not beautiful either, plus my ex was tormenting me on it to which kinda put a dampener on me trying to move on. Is it me that's the problem that men don't think I'm worth anything more than a causal fling? What I need in a man is someone that will fight for me and never be ashamed to be seen with me. I've never had that at all. I'm not meaning I need a man to be happy with but someone that I can become an equal to,have an adult conversation with ect. I'm scared I'll be left on the shelf bitter and alone. please give me advice This may not be the advice you want most, but it's what you need to hear. There is a lot of sociological data that abused or neglected kids attract people exactly like their abuser. They do this subconsciously because: a) It gives them the chance to fix their past pain. b) Even if it is a dysfunctional relationship, at least it's something they understand. A lot of this stems from a child's vulnerability. When you are under 10, you rely on someone. you can't live on your own. When someone betrays that vulnerability it leaves a scar. I would recommend therapy. Lots of it. But self-awareness is a first step. When things keep going wrong you should first point the finger at yourself...as it's the only constant between all of your situations and the one thing you directly control.
Author sickandtiredOfex Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 When I dwell on my past I count myself lucky as their are kids that's been sexually abused, that's what gets me through the day and makes me stop being so selfish thinking I'm worse off when there is people who've had it worse than me.if that makes sense to anyone? I'm not using that for people to feel sorry for me There is far worse people have suffered more than me.trying to figure out if it's the neediness of wanting love off a man could it stem back to my childhood? Could men be sensing that vulnerability about me and using it against me? My ex has been trying to use it for over a year and so far declined all offers of going within a mile of him..he doesn't want me or want me to be happy I've worked that out, the you'll never get better than me was a giveaway. What few friends I have tell me I'm kind and never a bad word to say about anyone but it appears nowadays no one wants kind.
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