Beta Male Blues?

[PrettyEmily77]

He probs should have told you straight up that he doesn't multidate.

 

You probs should have told him straight up that you do multidate.

 

He can't read minds more than you can, and maybe you gave off 'multidating' vibes, hence the lack of confidence on his part.

 

Don't know what a beta male is, but I can't see any passive aggressivity going on here.

[deadelvis]

I think if I'm single and dating again I'm going to start out with a questionnaire.

 

1. How many people are you currently dating?

a) 0

b) 1-5

c) 5-10

d) 10-100

 

2. How many people are you currently having sex with?

a) 0

b) 1-5

c) 5-10

d) 10-100

 

etc. etc. etc.

 

I'm actually serious. I might literally create an application to screen potential dates. That way I won't be surprised later on...

 

I think people make a lot of assumptions about the people we date without actually having any solid evidence. I always just assume the best and give people the benefit of the doubt. No wonder I'm always disappointed when people turn out to be massive turds.

Edited November 4, 2015 by deadelvis

[Gaeta]

But you neatly avoided the question. Do you tell the men you're dating about all the other men you're dating? .

 

Yes she does!! She is the one who initiated the discussion about multi-dating, NOT HIM, and she told him she was dating other.

 

What has the guy done?

 

Nothing.

 

He did not escalate this relationship to show his interest. One date of 2 hours each week is killing time it's not dating AND he expects her to not date others because he keeps her busy 2 hours per week??

[RedRobin]

Multi dating doesn't indicate ones desirability to the opposite sex, despite what some might think.

 

I get it that the OP considers thus a point of pride, and it seems she gets something out of keeping things going with each of these guys going as long as she can. Not all multidaters do that... But enough do that I just avoid them.

 

Once upon a time, I had some seriously negative things to say about Multidaters. I still think the onus is in them to say up front that they are multi dating, but they rarely do. They assume that everyone is doing it... Thereby exempting themselves from personal responsibility. You can see it in this thread. The stupid ask for 'exclusivity' thing. I personally don't want to have to wonder what the other person is or is not doing on their other dates, and am not about to invest my time and emotions into someone who thinks that what amounts to a few hours of their time is too much to ask to get to know them without distractions. To me, multi dating is for kids. Not grown ups.

 

Rather than fight over it, I just say up front what my dating style is. In fact, I won't even agree to meet a Multidater. I think the OP is obliged to tell people what her dating style is up front... Like another poster said... Go ahead and tell all the other men you are still dating others and see how that goes down. Maybe it will go down fine. My guess is that would give her fewer 'options', hence the need for vagueness.

 

I still say that approach is not going to attract the kind of man she claims to want. Indecisiveness and casual disregard for the potential feelings of the men she meets aren't attractive to 'leader' types. A few will judge her as lower quality and treat her as such. Like the current guy is doing. If I were him, I wouldn't bother trying to one up... But I can understand why he'd want to.

[Truth34]

Sorry to intervene, but you women really think that men don't bring up excusivity because we dont want it?

 

Maybe I'm recently jaded but I really don't see myself bringing that hammer down the next time I find myself in that position. And this is coming from someone who would rather just be exclusive than play the field.

[joseb]

Fair enough, never had that happen though.

 

In literally every case where *I* felt that click and connection, he did too...

 

 

Yeah I was just about to point this out too - I never ever felt a connection with someone who didn't have a connection with me - I can't really see how it would happen to be honest!

 

I mean, I've often felt a bit of attraction with someone that didn't reciprocate, and vice versa, but never a real connection.

 

I guess that's why I always find it odd on hear reading about people going on so many dates and still having no idea if there is anything there or not - I can usually feel it within a couple of dates, or not .... in which case there are no more.

Edited November 5, 2015 by joseb

[jen1447]

^ I could be wrong but the way OP's story reads to me, her guy didn't actually feel a connection either. Sounds like he was trying to manufacture it by informing her they clciked.

[joseb]

^ I could be wrong but the way OP's story reads to me, her guy didn't actually feel a connection either. Sounds like he was trying to manufacture it by informing her they clciked.

 

I think something was off alright. Five dates and he wasn't really escalating.

Perhaps neither of them really clicked.

[MBC]

Tell? I don't think so. He could ask the OP if she'd consider dating only him, but he can't tell her to do so. It really cracks me up when beta guys try to be assertive and it just comes out cringey and hilarious

 

He sounds like he is into her but lacking in confidence. I don't read just not into her at all.

 

This is why I'm done with the dating. If a guy is not assertive he's mocked as a beta, but when he is assertive you mock him even worse. But given that post after post is with you and given most women may be with you, why bother?

[MBC]

It really cracks me up when beta guys try to be assertive and it just comes out cringey and hilarious

 

I agree. Run JJ!!! Unless of course you are into effeminate (AKA betas).

 

I don't know why mocking guys makes you happy. I don't have any idea how this guy is effeminate.

[JasmineJones]

Sorry to intervene, but you women really think that men don't bring up excusivity because we dont want it?

 

Maybe I'm recently jaded but I really don't see myself bringing that hammer down the next time I find myself in that position. And this is coming from someone who would rather just be exclusive than play the field.

 

Why don't you?

[JasmineJones]

Multi dating doesn't indicate ones desirability to the opposite sex, despite what some might think.

 

I get it that the OP considers thus a point of pride, and it seems she gets something out of keeping things going with each of these guys going as long as she can. Not all multidaters do that... But enough do that I just avoid them.

 

Once upon a time, I had some seriously negative things to say about Multidaters. I still think the onus is in them to say up front that they are multi dating, but they rarely do. They assume that everyone is doing it... Thereby exempting themselves from personal responsibility. You can see it in this thread. The stupid ask for 'exclusivity' thing. I personally don't want to have to wonder what the other person is or is not doing on their other dates, and am not about to invest my time and emotions into someone who thinks that what amounts to a few hours of their time is too much to ask to get to know them without distractions. To me, multi dating is for kids. Not grown ups.

 

Rather than fight over it, I just say up front what my dating style is. In fact, I won't even agree to meet a Multidater. I think the OP is obliged to tell people what her dating style is up front... Like another poster said... Go ahead and tell all the other men you are still dating others and see how that goes down. Maybe it will go down fine. My guess is that would give her fewer 'options', hence the need for vagueness.

 

I still say that approach is not going to attract the kind of man she claims to want. Indecisiveness and casual disregard for the potential feelings of the men she meets aren't attractive to 'leader' types. A few will judge her as lower quality and treat her as such. Like the current guy is doing. If I were him, I wouldn't bother trying to one up... But I can understand why he'd want to.

 

It does actually. Unattractive people will struggle to get one person to date them, let alone several.

[JasmineJones]

Yeah I was just about to point this out too - I never ever felt a connection with someone who didn't have a connection with me - I can't really see how it would happen to be honest!

 

I mean, I've often felt a bit of attraction with someone that didn't reciprocate, and vice versa, but never a real connection.

 

I guess that's why I always find it odd on hear reading about people going on so many dates and still having no idea if there is anything there or not - I can usually feel it within a couple of dates, or not .... in which case there are no more.

 

I feel a strong intellectual connection to him. But then I feel strong intellectual connections with my close friends as well. It doesn't mean I want to jump their bones.

[JasmineJones]

^ I could be wrong but the way OP's story reads to me, her guy didn't actually feel a connection either. Sounds like he was trying to manufacture it by informing her they clciked.

 

He's claiming he feels a deep connection with me and he's still saying he wants to pursue an exclusive relationship. He seemed to see dating just once a week as normal.

 

Sure, he likes me. I don't believe he's as crazy about me as he claims to be. I think much of this is about the fact that he doesn't get much female attention in general and now that he's reeled someone in to a certain extent he's not keen to let go, because he doesn't rate his chances of finding another woman he's attracted to who will go out with him.

[siriusp]

Yeah I was just about to point this out too - I never ever felt a connection with someone who didn't have a connection with me - I can't really see how it would happen to be honest!

 

I mean, I've often felt a bit of attraction with someone that didn't reciprocate, and vice versa, but never a real connection.

 

I guess that's why I always find it odd on hear reading about people going on so many dates and still having no idea if there is anything there or not - I can usually feel it within a couple of dates, or not .... in which case there are no more.

 

This has been causing me so much trouble lately. I felt a great connection with someone a few months ago and I really thought he did too - he said so and he seemed to be very happy etc. but then he ignores me? I am so confused - maybe my judgement is so poor. I always thought I could feel if the other person was on the same page.

 

I am doubting my own sanity because of this. I feel angry and frustrated that I could mis-judge the situation so badly and am starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me.

 

I was going through my life very happy - until this happened.

 

So even with open communication - things are not always clear. Not only did I feel we had a connection he said it too but that's not enough apparently.

Edited November 5, 2015 by siriusp

[insert_name]

After reading some of the threads here on LS it comes across like the term 'multi-dating' is being used as a twee, cute little wrapper with a bow for the vacuous and soulless to place over their casual relationships so they don't look so vacuous and soulless in the cold light of day.

 

I can imagine multi dating being a valid practice for like 3 or 4 dates, but from the ways I have seen that term applied on here it looks like there is no quick resolution to the multi dating, just an excuse to be emotionally unavailable and never commit as long as possible so long as their are having their needs met by all of their suitors. Its poly-amory territory pretty much.

 

Of course if people are willing to still date multi daters then thats the way it goes, although I can't help but think that the increasing numbers of people multi dating thabks to the ease of OLD, Tinder, etc are going to harm the dating eco-system and make relationships even more fickle and disposable than they already are. If the attitudes of posters on LS is anything to go by then this transformation in the dating scene is already very much in motion.

[JasmineJones]

Multidating = When or if you meet one person who you want to pursue a serious relationship with, you stop dating the others. You won't be having sex with any of them in the meantime. That's not particularly hard for most people to understand.

 

Alternatively you can just date one person at a time if you want. Neither choice is illegal.

 

After reading some of the threads here on LS it comes across like the term 'multi-dating' is being used as a twee, cute little wrapper with a bow for the vacuous and soulless to place over their casual relationships so they don't look so vacuous and soulless in the cold light of day.

 

I can imagine multi dating being a valid practice for like 3 or 4 dates, but from the ways I have seen that term applied on here it looks like there is no quick resolution to the multi dating, just an excuse to be emotionally unavailable and never commit as long as possible so long as their are having their needs met by all of their suitors. Its poly-amory territory pretty much.

 

Of course if people are willing to still date multi daters then thats the way it goes, although I can't help but think that the increasing numbers of people multi dating thabks to the ease of OLD, Tinder, etc are going to harm the dating eco-system and make relationships even more fickle and disposable than they already are. If the attitudes of posters on LS is anything to go by then this transformation in the dating scene is already very much in motion.

[JasmineJones]

This has been causing me so much trouble lately. I felt a great connection with someone a few months ago and I really thought he did too - he said so and he seemed to be very happy etc. but then he ignores me? I am so confused - maybe my judgement is so poor. I always thought I could feel if the other person was on the same page.

 

I am doubting my own sanity because of this. I feel angry and frustrated that I could mis-judge the situation so badly and am starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me.

 

I was going through my life very happy - until this happened.

 

So even with open communication - things are not always clear. Not only did I feel we had a connection he said it too but that's not enough apparently.

 

You post about this guy a lot in many threads.

[GoodOnPaper]

Sure, he likes me. I don't believe he's as crazy about me as he claims to be. I think much of this is about the fact that he doesn't get much female attention in general and now that he's reeled someone in to a certain extent he's not keen to let go, because he doesn't rate his chances of finding another woman he's attracted to who will go out with him.

 

So . . . instead of beating up on the guy for being "beta", why not just let him go, stop thinking about him, and focus on your guys who can attract harems of their own? Sounds like the guy was just putting up a little fake bravado because he thought that's what more successful guys do.

 

Like everyone else, struggling guys are just trying to navigate through the dating world the best they can. The hardest part of dating by far was getting that first date. To avoid going through that, I became an expert at extending the shelf life of relationships by doing everything possible to not give the girl an excuse to break up with me. I definitely would not be cut out for OLD and dating multidaters -- as a matter of pride, I simply couldn't put myself out there for someone who I know has 5 other options on the side when I don't have any. Is that "beta"? So be it -- the woman always has her other options to enjoy.

[JasmineJones]

So . . . instead of beating up on the guy for being "beta", why not just let him go, stop thinking about him, and focus on your guys who can attract harems of their own? Sounds like the guy was just putting up a little fake bravado because he thought that's what more successful guys do.

 

Like everyone else, struggling guys are just trying to navigate through the dating world the best they can. The hardest part of dating by far was getting that first date. To avoid going through that, I became an expert at extending the shelf life of relationships by doing everything possible to not give the girl an excuse to break up with me. I definitely would not be cut out for OLD and dating multidaters -- as a matter of pride, I simply couldn't put myself out there for someone who I know has 5 other options on the side when I don't have any. Is that "beta"? So be it -- the woman always has her other options to enjoy.

 

Yes, quite probably

[salparadise]

Finally the talk came (initiated by me)...

 

If you were the one multi-dating and intended to continue doing so, then why would you initiate the talk? That seems strange. You wanted to make sure he knew he was in a competitive situation, eh?

 

 

I told him the truth, I'm seeing other men. He was so surprised. And now he has resorted to simply sending passive-aggressive text messages.

 

Overally, he is very passive and weak.

 

What we know for certain is that this is how you're choosing to frame it. Maybe he's pissed and made some perfectly assertive statements that you interpreted erroneously through your neediness lens because it wasn't the validating response you desired.

 

Who would blame him for not giving you the validating response you desired if you've been dating like the two of you are building something, encouraging him to invest in you emotionally... then YOU initiate the talk only to inform him that you're playing the same game with how many? 2-4-6-8? And trying to develop new options at the same time I presume?

 

I think this is one where we need to be reading between the lines and not taking much at face value. All you have to do is shift the nuance of these interactions a wee bit and it looks like something else entirely.

 

So why did you initiate the talk? Making sure he realized this was a competitive environment to trigger his insecurities, jealousy and see if you could get him to deliver more supply? Please don't tell us you were concerned for his feelings. That much we know don't need a narrative to understand.

[JasmineJones]

So . . . instead of beating up on the guy for being "beta", why not just let him go, stop thinking about him, and focus on your guys who can attract harems of their own? Sounds like the guy was just putting up a little fake bravado because he thought that's what more successful guys do.

 

Like everyone else, struggling guys are just trying to navigate through the dating world the best they can. The hardest part of dating by far was getting that first date. To avoid going through that, I became an expert at extending the shelf life of relationships by doing everything possible to not give the girl an excuse to break up with me. I definitely would not be cut out for OLD and dating multidaters -- as a matter of pride, I simply couldn't put myself out there for someone who I know has 5 other options on the side when I don't have any. Is that "beta"? So be it -- the woman always has her other options to enjoy.

 

 

I really appreciate your message. Now, for me a man who doesn't really have other options is a real turn-off in itself. Can you understand that at all? Sort of like being offered a job that everyone has turned down and not considered good enough.

[GoodOnPaper]

I really appreciate your message. Now, for me a man who doesn't really have other options is a real turn-off in itself. Can you understand that at all? Sort of like being offered a job that everyone has turned down and not considered good enough.

 

Yes, the thing is, no one is more aware of this than the struggling guys themselves. They are already beating themselves up a lot about it.

[JasmineJones]

Yes, the thing is, no one is more aware of this than the struggling guys themselves. They are already beating themselves up a lot about it.

 

So what is the solution?

[salparadise]

Now, for me a man who doesn't really have other options is a real turn-off in itself. Can you understand that at all? Sort of like being offered a job that everyone has turned down and not considered good enough.

 

And for me, a female multi-dater is sort of like accepting a job where they expect me and several others to work three months without pay, competing against each other, while they assess which one is the most naive and gullible.