katiegrl Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Right on, Gaeta! It's dumb for this man to assume I'm exclusive with him and that I have no other prospects. If he wanted exclusivity he should have brought up that issue in conversation, not just made assumptions and then got petulant when it turned out I'm more in demand than he realised. Absolutely agree with that!!
siriusp Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Gaeta, I agree the guy is an arrogant ass, however, can't you tell when you mutually click with someone...and are connecting with them? Clicking and connecting with each other is a mutual experience, so I think it's fine he felt that way ...they've had five dates after all too. I mean people usually know when they are clicking and connecting with each other and feeling that mutual chemistry. In my experience anyway, and most others I know. Feeling an attraction is different, and THAT can be one-sided. But the way that whole convo went down and all his assumptions that they were exclusive.... yeah he came off super arrogant and presumptuous, and full of himself. Yuck, major turn off, next. Up until very recently I would have agreed with this....... The last person I met and - to be honest - for the first time in my life I really felt I connected and clicked with him. He told me how he felt it too - he wrote to me about how he couldn't wait to see me and talk to me and he talked about our connection....and on and on. But I never heard from him again - so much for a connection!! I really believed he felt the same way as I did - but really we can never know what another person is thinking or feeling. We certainly can't decide for them........ and the OP talks about they way he assumed she was not seeing anybody else - assumption is the mother of all f*** ups! ....it is exactly this type of confusion that I would expect from 'multi-dating'.
oberkeat Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Where in the world are you from ?? They had 5 dates over 1 MONTH. It's nothing to assume they are exclusive!! If they had spent 3 days a week over a month meaning 12 dates and then she throws at him she's multi dating OK maybe THEN I'd have reservation but 1 date a week?? for a month?? I'm coming from a mindset where people treat each other with respect. OP did not do that with this guy. Five dates is a reasonable amount of time to decide whether you're compatible with someone. If a person is still multidating after that, she's just a player. 3
katiegrl Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I don't agree with your logic at all. After, wait for it, five dates most people would assume the person isn't messing around with other suitors. If OP wants a polyamorous relationship, then she should be the one to speak up. Why would most people just *assume* that though? Do you know how many MEN continue dating others, even after meeting a woman he *clicks* with? Still on line, searching, keeping options open? Why shouldn't she? How does she know HE isn't? It is wrong to *assume* anything in dating. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Something on your mind, you want something? Speak up! Communicate! Thus guy was an ass for assuming. He was presumptuous, and presumptuous is arrogance. 3
katiegrl Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I'm coming from a mindset where people treat each other with respect. OP did not do that with this guy. Five dates is a reasonable amount of time to decide whether you're compatible with someone. If a person is still multidating after that, she's just a player. Then he should have opened his mouth and talked to her about it.... 2
Gaeta Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I'm coming from a mindset where people treat each other with respect. OP did not do that with this guy. Five dates is a reasonable amount of time to decide whether you're compatible with someone. If a person is still multidating after that, she's just a player. So you have a personal rule. Do you tell your personal rule to the ladies you date?? or you ASSUME they should have the exact same personal rule as you? What about if their number of dates is 4 or their number of date is 6 or 7. How do you know unless you speak up what you want? I have a personal rule. I also think that 5 dates is enough for a man to know if he wants to continue dating me. I TELL THEM. I tell them from the very start!! it's my dating style and I announce it because men are not mind readers!! 1
Redhead14 Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 This has nothing to do with beta male mentality or passivity -- the guy just doesn't do or accept the multi-dating concept apparently. He made an assumption that she doesn't either. All this is about is the fact that it became time to clarify what page they each were on in terms of dating and goals. Plain and simple. 3
Author JasmineJones Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 Bear in mind he never indicated he was really into me (although admittedly one can assume a guy is if he continues asking you out), he never talked about his relationship status or what he was looking for, he never even said whether he thought I was attractive or not. We just hung out, grabbing a coffee or brunch or going to the cinema, on 5 occasions over the course of about a month. Typically each date lasted no more than 2 hours. We never visited each other's homes, met each other's friends or anything. I've no idea why he would assume that was a serious, exclusive relationship. I sure didn't. I felt that the intellectual connection was healthy and fairly strong right from the first date but I wasn't sure about the rest, so I was just seeing where things went, if anywhere. 2
SwordofFlame Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Why would most people just *assume* that though? Do you know how many MEN continue dating others, even after meeting a woman he *clicks* with? Still on line, searching, keeping options open? Why shouldn't she? How does she know HE isn't? It is wrong to *assume* anything in dating. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Something on your mind, you want something? Speak up! Communicate! Thus guy was an ass for assuming. He was presumptuous, and presumptuous is arrogance. I don't think he's saying that it's right for men to do this either. Just that after 5 dates, you should know whether you want to be exclusive or not. Again, we don't know how OP has behaved on her 5 dates to make this guy think they were exclusive or not. It could go either way.
deadelvis Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 As a previous poster mentioned... If I discovered a woman is still "keeping her options open" I would just keep her around as an occasional F-buddy and avoid any type of relationship. And I'd probably make a point of sleeping with a few of her girlfriends just to rub some salt in the wound. If you're going to be a player then you should be prepared to have him dishing it back. If I liked a girl and I found out she was hanging out with other guys, I'd immediately run through a few of her hot friends and then never speak to her again. Unless she was really hot, then I'd probably pass her around my friends for a couple weeks until everyone was sick of her, then kick her to the curb. Is that Alpha enough for you? It's a cold game, and if you start playing guys like that, then the "Alpha's" are going to to the exact same thing to you. Karma's a bitch. 2 1
Author JasmineJones Posted November 4, 2015 Author Posted November 4, 2015 As a previous poster mentioned... If I discovered a woman is still "keeping her options open" I would just keep her around as an occasional F-buddy and avoid any type of relationship. And I'd probably make a point of sleeping with a few of her girlfriends just to rub some salt in the wound. If you're going to be a player then you should be prepared to have him dishing it back. If I liked a girl and I found out she was hanging out with other guys, I'd immediately run through a few of her hot friends and then never speak to her again. Unless she was really hot, then I'd probably pass her around my friends for a couple weeks until everyone was sick of her, then kick her to the curb. Is that Alpha enough for you? It's a cold game, and if you start playing guys like that, then the "Alpha's" are going to to the exact same thing to you. Karma's a bitch. How can you have a f-buddy who is not having sex with you? As I've already said I've never been physical with this man and I don't date others once I am sleeping with somebody. Newsflash to men: every woman you click with won't necessarily think you are all that. 3
BlueIris Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 How can you have a f-buddy who is not having sex with you? As I've already said I've never been physical with this man and I don't date others once I am sleeping with somebody. Newsflash to men: every woman you click with won't necessarily think you are all that. :laugh: Just more assumptions, I think. 1
deadelvis Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 How can you have a f-buddy who is not having sex with you? As I've already said I've never been physical with this man and I don't date others once I am sleeping with somebody. Newsflash to men: every woman you click with won't necessarily think you are all that. If it's been 5 dates and you still aren't having sex then he really is a beta, or maybe you just keep guys around to pay for your meals. 2 1
BlueIris Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 If it's been 5 dates and you still aren't having sex then he really is a beta, or maybe you just keep guys around to pay for your meals. You're knocking it out of the park on assumptions. 1
deadelvis Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I don't get why after 5 dates you haven't figured out what you want from this guy. After about 15 minutes most people figure out whether someone is going to be relationship material, a casual hookup or just a wasted 15 minutes of your life. 4
katiegrl Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Talking about assumptions, if two people have only had 5 dates in one month, and have not had sex yet, if one is gonna assume anything, the assumption would be they are *both* keeping options open until such time they actually discuss exclusivity .... or ramp things up so much that they are seeing each other several times a week, having sex, meeting friends, family, etc. I still think it should be discussed though, just for clarity, so there is no ambiguity and confusion. That is just the smart and self-protective thing to do...I am not getting how anyone can argue with that. 1
katiegrl Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I don't get why after 5 dates you haven't figured out what you want from this guy. After about 15 minutes most people figure out whether someone is going to be relationship material, a casual hookup or just a wasted 15 minutes of your life. Elvis, everyone is different and have a different timetable within which they "figure things out." Just because you or I know on first date, that does not necessarily mean everyone is the same as you and I ..... You do understand this, right? Hopefully? 4
Gaeta Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I don't get why after 5 dates you haven't figured out what you want from this guy. After about 15 minutes most people figure out whether someone is going to be relationship material, a casual hookup or just a wasted 15 minutes of your life. I don't get why you don't speak up about what you want. Like I said, if a man doesn't bring up exclusivity it's cause he doesn't want it. If he's too shy, or insecure to bring it up, him and I don't belong together if he's THAT weak. 2
deadelvis Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 5 dates? More like 5 minutes... Going on 5 dates without sex suggests both people are looking for something serious rather than just a casual hookup. But if you are still seeing other people that implies you don't see him as relationship material, if you did, you wouldn't be dating other people. Those two ideas are conflicting. If he is boyfriend material then you shouldn't be talking to other guys. If he's not boyfriend material then why go on 5 dates? 3
Gaeta Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I don't get why after 5 dates you haven't figured out what you want from this guy. After about 15 minutes most people figure out whether someone is going to be relationship material, a casual hookup or just a wasted 15 minutes of your life. She said they had 5 dates and they were all under 2 hours and never in their homes. They are still strangers. This man did NOTHING to escalate this casual dating into something more substantial. 4
BlueIris Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I don't get why you don't speak up about what you want. Like I said, if a man doesn't bring up exclusivity it's cause he doesn't want it. If he's too shy, or insecure to bring it up, him and I don't belong together if he's THAT weak. I completely agree. It could also be because he (or she, if a woman does it) is putting on a show or facade and is still in sales-pitch mode. I've seen that a few times. 1
deadelvis Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 She said they had 5 dates and they were all under 2 hours and never in their homes. They are still strangers. This man did NOTHING to escalate this casual dating into something more substantial. 5 dates x 2 hours = 10 hours. After 10 hours I would hope a woman isn't still on the fence about dating me. If she isn't feeling it after 10 minutes I'd be out the door. This guy must be a serious doormat. 1
katiegrl Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 5 dates? More like 5 minutes... Going on 5 dates without sex suggests both people are looking for something serious rather than just a casual hookup. But if you are still seeing other people that implies you don't see him as relationship material, if you did, you wouldn't be dating other people. Those two ideas are conflicting. If he is boyfriend material then you shouldn't be talking to other guys. If he's not boyfriend material then why go on 5 dates? I agree with that, but what happened to communication? Does that not exist anymore in dating and relationships? No one is faulting this guy for wanting to be exclusive!! The issue is his arrogance in how he presented that to her....arrogantly and accusatorily, all based on an *assumption" which he never bothered to clarify via discussion and communication. That is what is at issue here, NOT that he was wrong to want exclusivity! 6
oberkeat Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 I don't get why you don't speak up about what you want. Like I said, if a man doesn't bring up exclusivity it's cause he doesn't want it. If he's too shy, or insecure to bring it up, him and I don't belong together if he's THAT weak. I've seen no indication from OP anywhere in this thread that she would have agreed to go exclusive had he verbalized it. The point is, I think she was planning to date as many men as possible, playing each of them until she got bored of it. If I'd found out after five dates she was still seeing other guys, I would be done dating her. No man who respects himself would tolerate that treatment, unless he's down for a polyamorous relationship.
BlueIris Posted November 4, 2015 Posted November 4, 2015 Anyone who will go to such lengths justifying not talking openly and comfortably sounds like a relationship nightmare. Imagine living your life with someone who puts 10x more energy into NOT speaking clearly and directly, defending their assumptions and what you should have known, instead of just saying things. A lifetime of paying hide-the-ball and the emotional gyrations and guessing games would kill me. 3
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