Driver Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 (edited) I am in a very weird spot with one of my best friends since childhood... We will call her Cathy. I'm not sure what to tell her... Cathy met Bob when they were teens and they always had a very special bond. Cathy and Bob lived together for a while and sort of had a quasi-relationship... Not a strong relationship, mostly because Cathy had her own issues with drinking a lot and having flings with different guys (sort of a borderline type person) and Bob was emotionally unavailable and kinda angry. Cathy knew Bob loved her and she loved him, but they had too many issues to really be together. One night, Cathy and Bob got into a fight. Bob ended up breaking Cathy's phone and then grabbing her head and smashed it into a wall. Cops were called. Bob and her did not speak for a year due to a restraining order. She was miserable because she knew she could no longer be with the man she had such a deep relationship with. A year later they ran into each other. They started talking again. And over the course of a year, they slowly begin spending time together again. I was nervous and concerned and disappointed when Cathy told me. In my mind, I have always thought that once a man stoops so low as to hit you, he will do it again. But Cathy has somehow started to convince me that maybe things could be different, as dumb as that sounds. She has always had emotional regulation and alcohol difficulties, and is doing better. She and Bob are doing all the relationship things they never did -- cuddling, making each other dinner, having long and honest conversations. They've talked about "the incident" in depth and how they both have learned from it. Cathy tells me she had never been happier to be with her soul mate. She says they just needed to grow up and see what they had. She tells me that if she gets even a hint of abusive behavior, she will call me immediately because she knows I will hold her accountable. As one of her best friends, I am really struggling here. On one hand, it is amazing to see how much Cathy has transformed and is experiencing the type of relationship she has always wanted. I also think, maybe people really can change and maybe Bob learned his lesson. On the other hand... My logical side does tell me this is absolutely stupid and I need to stop "accepting" it. But something seems different... Am I crazy/foolish to believe that maybe this situation is now okay, or should I change my tune and keep convincing her to leave? Edited November 3, 2015 by Driver Removing identifying features as the story is about someone
GemmaUK Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 If I were you I would keep your thoughts to yourself - reason being is that you want to make sure her lines of communication to you are open and she will be more honest about how things are going. There's a book titled How to Spot a Dangerous Man before Getting Involved' which has different sections and actual checklists of traits to watch out for. I would read it so that I have a greater understanding of how he could be and what to look out for. Abusers can be the sweetest in the beginning and that could be where he is right now. Maybe he has changed but..I would be on high alert.
Miss Peach Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 One of my favorite books on abuse is 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. He's a great resource into the mind of abusive people. I do believe that a man who is abusive once will be abusive again. There is something called the honeymoon period. They have to be nice for some amount of time or otherwise women (and men) wouldn't fall for the abusive tricks. It can be possible to change but it's something the abuser wants to do. Most are comfortable being abusive so they will not do the real work. I recommend saying something once and reminding your friend about how abusive men hook women. I wouldn't harp on it or else he will easily be able to isolate her from you. Most abusive men don't like a friend that is against him so he is likely to isolate her from anything he finds threatening to his control. Just make sure she knows you are there to support her if needed. 1
candie13 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 People who trigger eachother in the worst possible ways have indeed a very strong bond. Toxic bond, most of the times. Like the highest highs and lowest possible lows. It's only when both partner have overcome whatever issues the other person was triggering that they can potentially make the RS work... see, the thing is, without "the spice", there isn't much going there, because normal RS are predictable, at a constant pace... I also give my vote of non confidence and urge you to keep all communications channels open. She is in danger, make no mistakes about that !
GemmaUK Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 One of my favorite books on abuse is 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. He's a great resource into the mind of abusive people. I will add that I absolutely agree that this book is one of the absolute best and explains things in much more detail than the one I recommended. Having read both and several others since dating an abuser I recommended How to Spot a Dangerous Man simply because of the checklists for different types as a list is easier to digest and recall/refer back to. Not being in this situation with this guy yourself reading up on the 'whys' of what he may be doing/may do may not be of benefit to you but keeping lines of communication open by appearing happy for her means you will get insider info and you will spot things and recall them from the checklists which you can then refer back to. Right now you have to see their RS as a clean slate - but - something to keep your eye on. I'm linking the thread of books I read and also some of the general things I found that went on for me should it be of any help. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions
MoreAmore Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 I don't believe one incident means a person is always abusive, forever. I believe mistakes can be made. This wasn't last week and now she's saying it's okay, and there was a lot going on. Keep on eye on it but unless there's warning signs that's all I'd do.
oregon0011 Posted November 3, 2015 Posted November 3, 2015 Don't waste your energy. I have had several female friends, and even girls I dated who were in love with addicts, abusers, (mental and physical) and no matter what logic you present them with they are going to do what they want. Growing up, and to an extent now, the media sort of makes it seem like these women are trapped, nowhere to go etc. But the reality I have seen is that these women will not leave these men alone. Sort of an obsession they have to be with these men.
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