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If I'm really attractive and nice, how come no one wants to commit to me??

frus69

By frus69
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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
Duh I didn't say I'm 9 or 10.. If I have to rate myself I would probably say 7 or something, so similar to you. And I don't dream myself of being with a 9 or 10. All the guys I liked are around 7 too(at least I think) , as you said,"cute" men.

 

 

And if you can have a bf, theoretically I should be able to as well?

 

 

I do want to "ask some HONEST acquaintances" except I don't know any?

 

Well IMO you *are* a 9-10 (and I showed your photo to my fiance) and he thinks so too!

 

So it is definitely definitely NOT your looks.

 

I am curious ..the guys you dated for a couple of months but never wanted a relationship with you, how did they end it? Did they just ghost and disappear?

 

Or did you say or imply that YOU wanted a relationship and they just weren't *there* yet?

 

When you *were* dating them, was it fun and easy? Relaxed? Good sex? Did you speak up when something bugged you? Take initiative? Or were you passive most of the time?

 

The answers to these questions would give us (me) a better idea of what the problem might be.

 

As for the guys who only want sex, that's them obviously, nothing you are doing or not doing.

 

Perhaps learn to differentiate between players and good guys. Guys who are very charismatic right off the bat, and who come on strong and fast usually disappear just as fast....

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 1
MoreAmore Established Member

MoreAmore

Posted
Posted (edited)

Attractiveness has very little to do with relationships. I am not very attractive. I'd consider myself average at best. I've always had many men wanting relationships with me.

 

There's something else.

 

Are you pushing very much on wanting a relationship moreso than wanting a relationship with a specific especially awesome person and happier being single otherwise? No one wants to be with a relationship because the person doesn't like being single. It should be about the person.

 

What are you looking for in a guy exactly? What do you feel you have to offer?

Edited by MoreAmore
  • Like 3
CosmicGate7 Established Member

CosmicGate7

Posted
Posted
But she has no problems GETTING dates. She wants to know why no one will COMMIT. Those are two different things, and at a certain point attractiveness has nothing to do with it.

 

 

she said that she's only dated a few guys in a few years. I think she has both problems getting dates and commitment

BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

Posted
Posted

It could be:

 

1. You're attracted to/pick the wrong guys.

 

Each person puts stock, often subconsciously, on certain characteristics. You do not get to put an infinite list of characteristics you want because it'll become impossible, mathematically, to find someone like that. So we compromise in some and put some top three to five characteristcs that are non-negotiable. If you pick the wrong ones (for example tall, rich, educated, in great shape, funny, exciting/adventurous) instead of the commitment-leading ones (agreeable, kind, emotionally stable, trusthworthy, respectful), you'll likely to find a guy who is that, but: doesn't want a relationship, only wants sex, gives you crumbs, is emotionally unavailable. Yes, you can "force' yourself to like someone who has better character by VALUING, in your mind, those "good for you" qualities, versus the "not good for you" qualities. If you value that, he'll be hot for you.

 

2. You are too nice and/or are clingy

 

You exhude desperation. You are too available. You offer to cook them a four course meal at the second date, you offer to cat sit for them, you do their laundry...you call/text too much, you spend too much time with them in the beginning (overnights, 15 hour long dates etc), you lean in and look at him like you're begging him to pick you. In other words, you have no confidence and give off a desperate vibe. You let them get away with too much, not committing, not calling, cancelling dates. You do not drop them fast enough. You sleep with them too soon.

 

 

These being said, from my own experience the great MAJORITY of men online are either out for sex, for a summer fling, or emotionally unavailable/don't want a relationship. You have to weed through them to find a gold nugget. You have to throw the pebbles back asap and move on to the next immediately when you sniff he is not it. You ha

  • Like 4
kpl Established Member

kpl

Posted
Posted
You have to throw the pebbles back asap and move on to the next immediately when you sniff he is not it. You ha

 

Very true statement. You have to get better at catching guys who are not sincere. That year long relationship sounded 11 months too long.

  • Like 2
StBreton Established Member

StBreton

Posted
Posted
Actually they are hard to spot.

 

I keep picking the wrong dudes, because the wrong dudes are superb at hiding exactly what they are.

 

They say the right things, do the right things, do it all perfectly up until they get what they want and then poof, smoke screen is gone. And then you see what you're left with.

 

Every time I date a guy I pick up more and more tricks they're pulling on women. I have an arsenal of like 50+ things to watch out for now, it's really sad.

 

Please share! :)

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
But my problem is no guy would even stay long enough to get to know me? To get to know if we are connect emotionally and intellectually?

I understand it maybe hard to keep a relationship going as that requires strong connection but I don't think it should be hard to start seeing/dating some.

 

But for me it's as if they saw me and decided "yep I want her as a FWB" and never changed their mind. (I don't dress provocatively, btw)

 

They want you as FWB precisely because you *are* attractive.

 

Unfortunately, they're not feeling much else (mentally or emotionally) otherwise they would at least want to explore the idea of having a relationship with you.

 

By the way, how do YOU feel about them? Were you feeling that chemistry and connection with all of them?

 

If so, that is odd. It is very rare when we feel true chemistry with someone.

 

So it could be what MoreAmore said. Perhaps they are sensing desperation ..that you seek a relationship with *anyone* (as long as he's attractive and looks good on paper) not necessarily with *him* specifically.

 

I know people who have been dating for YEARS and have not found anyone with whom they truly connect.

 

They are very happy single though too. They would rather be alone than with someone with whom there was no chemistry or connection. They would meet, and know very early on whether it was there or not. The feelings (or lack thereof) was usually, if not always, mutual.

 

So it was next. Search continues. Life continues, whether single, in a relationship, or not.

Edited by katiegrl
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
she said that she's only dated a few guys in a few years. I think she has both problems getting dates and commitment

 

As much as I dislike having to agree with this (based on your other comment Cosmic-jesus! Are you sure you didn't just change your screen name? You feel like a LS guy from 'chicago' who used another name), I agree. I don't think that's enough dates over that length of time to find the right partner for her/anyone/most people. Sure you could get lucky and meet the right guy on the first try but usually it takes a bit more sifting through. I think OP is not putting herself out there enough, creating enough opportunities for herself. I personally don't think OLD is best place to meet someone so if that's her only avenue of trying, I think she could be up for some disappointment with dating. On one hand, it can get you into the mentally that you are "dating". However, if you categorize date after date as disappointing and a failure it will start to wear on you. I think it should be a piece of the puzzle otherwise you are missing a whole segment of people who ALSO only use that as their only avenue--but my personal belief is that bonds and connections are stronger and more lasting when made in more spontaneous and organic way. Dating is a numbers game however, so OP needs to get her numbers of attempts up. Even if it's just purely to be social or make friends. Clearly I don't think doing enough of that.

SwordofFlame Established Member

SwordofFlame

Posted
Posted

OP, do you have much in common with these guys that you're dating? In terms of interests, hobbies, culture, values? Or are you just going on dates based on mostly superficial things?

  • Like 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
OP, do you have much in common with these guys that you're dating? In terms of interests, hobbies, culture, values? Or are you just going on dates based on mostly superficial things?

 

Agreed. Or just that they are a dating prospect. I think trying to be more targeted will help too.

J21 Established Member

J21

Posted
Posted
But my problem is no guy would even stay long enough to get to know me? To get to know if we are connect emotionally and intellectually?

I understand it maybe hard to keep a relationship going as that requires strong connection but I don't think it should be hard to start seeing/dating some.

 

But for me it's as if they saw me and decided "yep I want her as a FWB" and never changed their mind. (I don't dress provocatively, btw)

This might be a stretch, but does your OLD profile name have the "69" like your screen name here?

 

If so, maybe it's giving off the wrong vibe?

  • Like 6
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted
This might be a stretch, but does your OLD profile name have the "69" like your screen name here?

 

If so, maybe it's giving off the wrong vibe?

 

Yeah it's a strtech, but a brilliant one! :bunny::bunny:

Maggie4 Established Member

Maggie4

Posted
Posted
OP you're very pretty and you're either the #1 or #2 most desirable race in women (asian)

 

 

your struggles are absolutely baffling. I have no idea why you're experiencing that. I would date you in a second

 

OP said Commit, not Date. That's where her problem is, things don't go further than date. That's what we're trying to figure out here. And I don't have an answer.

CosmicGate7 Established Member

CosmicGate7

Posted
Posted
OP said Commit, not Date. That's where her problem is, things don't go further than date. That's what we're trying to figure out here. And I don't have an answer.

 

 

I think she's said that she struggles with both getting dates and commitment

 

 

she seems like a nice person, I would commit to her as well

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
I think she's said that she struggles with both getting dates and commitment

 

 

***she seems like a nice person, I would commit to her as well

 

Was that a joke? lol

 

How do you know? Because she's so pretty? And Asian? You've never even met her for chrissakes.

 

Perhaps that is where she (and other women) got the idea it was all about looks.

 

You don't know her, you have never even met her or dated her, and here you are saying you would **commit** to her after you see her pic.. That's pretty crazy...

 

She was nice before you saw the photo too ...just sayin.

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 6
Eighty_nine Established Member

Eighty_nine

Posted
Posted

this is something i've just begun posting everywhere here because i'm so sure of it.

 

i've dated guys who were "below" me in terms of looks, career, social life, etc. I hate to use that term because I didn't think I was "better" than them in any way, in fact I really cared for and sometimes admired them for various traits of theirs, it's just the easiest way to say it. And a couple of these "below me" men didn't want to commit. Actually I'd say my serious relationships, the guys who were happy to commit with me, have generally been more attractive, social, successful etc than the ones who didn't.

 

ANYWAY... here's the thing. I see averagely and below averagely attractive women with attractive men all the time. Looks are much less of an issue than people think. Men are attracted to women who have a life outside of them. Who do NOT need them. Who can take or leave them. who respect them, but won't bend over backwards for them. A women who will not accept bad behavior.

 

The biggest difference I see looking back at the men who did and did not commit to me was the way I acted in the beginning stages of dating. I have a really busy full happy life, generally, but there've been times I was down or feeling 'lost', times we all experience. It was during THOSE times of my life that men did not want to commit for me-- I was more vulnerable, less happy and busy with friends and other stuff going on, more likely to accept and forgive bad behavior, etc. I look back and wish I recognized that dating when I was personally struggling a bit was a bad idea.

 

Evaluate where you are in your life. You don't sound like a pushover or a woman who would generally take crap from men (some women, sadly, always do). Maybe you're not conveying that you're happy in your own life, with or without a romantic partner; I think intuitively, we all notice these things about other people.

  • Like 3
ManyDissapoint Established Member

ManyDissapoint

Posted
Posted

I'm going to get crucified for this but if I had to rate your picture honestly I would say 6.5

 

Statistically speaking you should be looking for commitment from men who you think are a 6.0 - 8 on the extreme ends of things.

 

I'm not trying to be a jerk but when I look for women that I would commit to one of the requirements for me is that they are beautiful enough for me to not have a wandering eye.

 

Back to the topic at hand you really haven't told us much about your personality. A 6.5 woman, if you're just talking about looks alone, is beautiful enough that the majority of doors are open for you in terms of physical attraction.

  • Like 1
Pillow Established Member

Pillow

Posted
Posted
OP, do you have much in common with these guys that you're dating? In terms of interests, hobbies, culture, values? Or are you just going on dates based on mostly superficial things?

 

Good question.

 

Many Eastern women are notorious for social climbing/ status-consciousness dating.

SwordofFlame Established Member

SwordofFlame

Posted
Posted
Good question.

 

Many Eastern women are notorious for social climbing/ status-consciousness dating.

I'm an Asian guy myself. I'm not the saying the OP is overly superficial but a lot of Asian women are.

CosmicGate7 Established Member

CosmicGate7

Posted
Posted
Good question.

 

Many Eastern women are notorious for social climbing/ status-consciousness dating.

 

this forum is absolutely brutal :laugh:

 

 

you got one party saying she's not really cute

another party saying she's a gold digger

 

 

what's next? Another party saying she severely lacks intelligence?

LoveRefreshed Established Member

LoveRefreshed

Posted
Posted

Dude stop looking for answers that font require self reflection. If you're certain that you're physically desirable then it's likely you're either a push over or are not interesting to them. Or you're bad at showing you're interesting side. However, anyone with 69 in a name is probably needing some lessons in being smooth...

losangelena Established Member

losangelena

Posted
Posted
I'm not trying to be a jerk but when I look for women that I would commit to one of the requirements for me is that they are beautiful enough for me to not have a wandering eye.

 

Well it's a good thing beauty is subjective, then.

 

One man's 6.5 is another man's 10.

 

 

 

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

  • Like 1
Ami1uwant Established Member

Ami1uwant

Posted
Posted

Assuming that picture is you....you have the looks.

 

As a result some guys may feel they are out of your league and don't bother trying.

 

The others that do date you there may be something in your personality or behavior that says I don't want a relationship with her but would love to do her.

 

What do you want in a man in terms of qualities and beliefs? What do you have to offer him ?

kpl Established Member

kpl

Posted
Posted

Geez...I hope my dates have never "scored" me. I don't know what's sillier the scoring or the ppl who actually believe in it haha.

  • Like 2
oberkeat Established Member

oberkeat

Posted
Posted
You're Probably not as Attractive as you think.

 

Very beautiful woman who are 8 or 9s or 10s don't usually have issues finding a guy who adores....

 

The only ones who don't get asked out and only get used for sex, generally have lacklustre personalities OR they aim too high ( 9 /10 men arent ideal for 9 women. ..a 7 or 8/10 will cherrish you more than a guy with so many pretty model look alikes to choose from.

 

I am a 6/10 or 6.5. I've proudly got pics up. I KNOW my number and have had no troubles in finding average to cute men who adores me. I just didnt fancy any of them back.....until my current boyfriend :love:

 

The problem with women who look like me is, they ofteb think they are pretty and hot. When they are plain at best. They have way too high standards.

 

If you're realistic and have ruled out any off putting vibes you may be exuding then it's time to ask some HONEST acquaintances what the "problem " is........

 

Lol, 6/10, 6.5, 9...Where do these numbers come from? Have scientists agreed on a universal hotness scale?

  • Like 4
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