If I'm really attractive and nice, how come no one wants to commit to me??

November 3, 2015

My gut instincts in reading this.....

Either you really aren't a 7 but more like a 5 or 6 or you may be a 7 in looks only if the guys like this characteristic with you...otherwise it turns them off. It could be something that turns them off.....or you are a 7 but there is so ething in your personality that turns guys off...either you are clingy, cone off as the jealous type, you fit the blonde jokes, or something else. You could be coming off as a know it all or arrogant.

If you are successful with work...another possibility...thus is really common...on a first date you come off wrong with guys where the guys come off if the date as I'd love to hire gherkin and work with her but I have no interest in dating her.

Where are you looking for guys? What sites? What age ranges?

I used tinder and POF 6 months ago and just lost faith. I haven't been using anything and really can't be bothered anymore. I seriously have no idea if I actually have any off putting traits( no one told me so) but I have self awareness.

As for looks, you are suggesting I aim too high( comparing to myself's rating) again I cant say for sure but I am self conscious, I choose the ones I think are in the same league.

If they do not find my attractive (a 6 or 5 as you said ) would they still ask to meet me?

Edited November 3, 2015 by frus69

November 3, 2015

I used tinder and POF 6 months ago and just lost faith. I haven't been using anything and really can't be bothered anymore. I seriously have no idea if I actually have any off putting traits( no one told me so) but I have self awareness.
As for looks, you are suggesting I aim too high( comparing to myself's rating) again I cant say for sure but I am self conscious, I choose the ones I think are in the same league.
If they do not find my attractive (a 6 or 5 as you said ) would they still ask to meet me?

Post a picture of yourself, very curious what you look like

November 3, 2015

I used tinder and POF 6 months ago and just lost faith. I haven't been using anything and really can't be bothered anymore. I seriously have no idea if I actually have any off putting traits( no one told me so) but I have self awareness.
As for looks, you are suggesting I aim too high( comparing to myself's rating) again I cant say for sure but I am self conscious, I choose the ones I think are in the same league.
If they do not find my attractive (a 6 or 5 as you said ) would they still ask to meet me?

First off...using tinder generally caters to those looking just for hook ups snd not real relationships.

The traits you display when dating could be very different than how you are with friends, or friends aren't picking up on these traits that dates pay closer attention to.

With the datng sites..are you waiting for guys to come to you or will you initiate?. You could have had a profile issue on POF in what you wrote or how you wrote it just didn't grab guys. Maybe your profile used bad pictures that either could be read as if you are hiding something such as picture of face only or odd angles will hide weight issues.

November 3, 2015

Post a picture of yourself, very curious what you look like

I prefer not to post my pic in public but if it helps, you can PM me I will give you a link. I don't think I can PM you though...probably I'm too new?

November 3, 2015

You being a 5 or 6 you may still be asked to meet. You may have a nice figure but not a cute hairstyle or face. Guys refers to these as doing them with a bag over their head.

November 3, 2015

First off...using tinder generally caters to those looking just for hook ups snd not real relationships.

The traits you display when dating could be very different than how you are with friends, or friends aren't picking up on these traits that dates pay closer attention to.

With the datng sites..are you waiting for guys to come to you or will you initiate?. You could have had a profile issue on POF in what you wrote or how you wrote it just didn't grab guys. Maybe your profile used bad pictures that either could be read as if you are hiding something such as picture of face only or odd angles will hide weight issues.

Tinder is notorious lol but still some of my friends found their BF on it...

I do message guys I like, and I'd say 3 out of 10 will ignore me. But it doesn't matter who messaged who, they still just wanted sex only.

November 3, 2015

I prefer not to post my pic in public but if it helps, you can PM me I will give you a link. I don't think I can PM you though...probably I'm too new?

You can't PM unless you pay...you are too new. I don't remember what the membership time/post count needs to be before you can PM on here.

November 3, 2015

Tinder is notorious lol but still some of my friends found their BF on it...

I do message guys I like, and I'd say 3 out of 10 will ignore me. But it doesn't matter who messaged who, they still just wanted sex only.

Like to see a pic of you and see if you are trying to date within or out of your league. Many studies have looked at say someone like a 6 can easily date someone 5-7 but it's rare to get someone two numbers either way unless other factors are in play.

November 3, 2015

Like to see a pic of you and see if you are trying to date within or out of your league. Many studies have looked at say someone like a 6 can easily date someone 5-7 but it's rare to get someone two numbers either way unless other factors are in play.

I don't feel very good to post myself AND some guy I dated in public.. even though, I agree it's probably the best way to assess my problem...

November 3, 2015

1. I really am cautious when it comes to my standards so I always pick the ones that are within the same league as myself, AKA above average. I mean I really am not attracted to a 4( cant force myself to?) but won't be dreaming about an 8 either..
2. I don't think I lack anything in the personality department, nothing repulsive, for sure.
As for number 3, yeah they don't want anything serious--probably just not with me, right? I mean they had gf before so it must be me?

Okay, lets look at this from another angle. Apparently I'm wife material, I've never had a guy go poof and every time I date someone I'm long term with them. I have the opposite problem to you, the guys want to commit to me and I don't want to commit to them.

Looks - lets just get this out of the way shall we. In all honesty I'm probably average, although I was lucky enough to be born with a smokin bod. Petite hourglass, perfectly flat stomach, no cellulite. But facially, not going to make anyone look twice. Okay. Never been described as hot, not even pretty. Never been approached by flocks of men either. So there you have it, just average female who lucked out with a nice figure.

My current partner and the one before that were 9's. No exaggeration, people approach them all the time. In my wildest fantasies I'd love to kid myself I'm a 9 too, reality tells me I'm not though. So lets just put this whole, are you out of your league thing to bed. There is no league, you are either the right person for them or you aren't. It's that simple.

I think you just have player mojo, so these are the only guys who ever approach you. I've got commitment mojo (apparently) because I've never slept with a guy and not have him call himself my boyfriend afterwards. And the irony is that I could care less about getting married etc and obtaining commitment. It seems to be whatever you actively chase in life evades you. There is something about desperately wanting something that just turns other people off even if they don't know you and have never had a conversation with you.

My current partner, basically the first time he saw me he just decided that was it I was the one for him. We hadn't even spoken yet. How he could know that? No idea, but relationships seem to run off vibes more than anything else. You've just got the wrong vibe and that's why guys run a mile. Work on letting go of this obsession with not being able to find a boyfriend and everything will be okay.

One last note - if you're in your early twenties don't even bother. Early twenties guys are notoriously fickle and ridiculously twitchy. I didn't really like men much at all until they reached 30, when they seemed to settle down a bit and lose the freaking out over minor stuff vibe. For some reason, early twenties guys all seem to think that hooking up is the be all and end all and obsessively seek it.

Edited November 3, 2015 by Buddhist

November 3, 2015

Agreed.

Leigh has never met or seen the OP, but it's automatically let's jump the gun time.

According to Leigh's logic, it's impossible to be a 8, 9, 10 and have issues finding a guy that adores. Since OP is having issues, therefore, she is not a 8+.

Essentially--Anyone that can't find someone that adores them isn't a 8+, so they need to get over themselves and lower their standards.

Damn.

She is right though. If you are really attractive and nice and you can not find a person that is prepared to commit to you, then you are not as nice and/or attractive as you think you are (and yeah, attractive has more meaning to it than just your body, your personality has to be attractive as well). It's like a comedian saying he is really funny and makes the best jokes and yet his audience never laughs.

November 3, 2015

I think you and everyone here are getting caught up in the ridiculous subject of what your 'score' is and the scores of who you're attracted to and if you're 'dating out of your league' and all that nonsense.

Relationships aren't JUST about looks and how you rate on the looks scale. Your looks don't dictate whether someone wants to stick around and get to know you or not. It's ludicrous to believe otherwise.

Attraction is what initially brings someone to you. I get that.

But if you're in your young 20's and you're dating guys in their young 20's, then that's mostly what you're going to get - guys who just want sex and/or dating and no commitment. If that's your demographic then that's what you're likely to meet - whether you're a 4 or an 8 or a 12.

A lot of guys think dating sites are just sex candy stores for them. That's the mentality you're dealing with.

November 3, 2015

But if you're in your young 20's and you're dating guys in their young 20's, then that's mostly what you're going to get - guys who just want sex and/or dating and no commitment. If that's your demographic then that's what you're likely to meet - whether you're a 4 or an 8 or a 12.

A lot of guys think dating sites are just sex candy stores for them. That's the mentality you're dealing with.

Im not in my young 20s btw but nevertheless..I see young 20s getting relationships all the time. I see people in my city getting relationships all the time. I see people (mostly friends) getting relationships online all the time. Am I imagining things?

November 3, 2015

You are gorgeous and nothing is wrong with you. I have the exact problem as you. I am pretty, got a good body, I am career wise successful, I am funny, warm and kind and my last real boyfriend was 2,5 years ago. I need 10 minutes to get a date, I am out on dates all the time, and I have never met a man that didn't want to see me again..but they never stick around very long.

I don't believe this mentality you are not attractive enough or your personality isn't attractive enough, it's BULL. Just hang in there and eventually the right guy will come along. The problem isn't you, it's them. They're too insecure to date a pretty girl like you.

Edited November 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

November 3, 2015

I think you are very pretty. If i would have to give a score i would say 8. I am sorry you are having issues with finding someone who sticks around. I feel your frustration, im in the same boat. Im afraid i cant give advice but i just wanted to say that i dont agree with people here who say you must be either shooting out of your league or have a crap personality. For some of us it just takes longer i guess :/ Dont lose heart!

November 3, 2015

"Leagues" and whatnot are made up nonsense. It's an excuse to be superficially judgmental. I've seen plenty of amazing, hot men with dowdy, frumpy women and vice versa and they are both very happy with each other. So it's not looks.

OP--while I'm not a man, your picture is very lovely. I seriously doubt it's your looks. You don't mention getting into any conflicts with these guys, not enough time to get to that point, so it's probably not your personality. It just may be where you live and the kinds of "available" men who live in your area.

I remember my 30's were extremely frustrating with regards to dating. The men were either vestal virgins, already in relationships/married, not mentally together, not together career-wise enough to match what I was making (and it wasn't a 6 figure salary, but it was a nice 5 figure one) and how I was living. It's really a crap shoot to pin point which of these dynamics you're dealing with.

November 3, 2015

As someone very experienced at online dating, maybe I could help a bit.

1. Do you have hobbies/interests/passions? This is extremely important. It is a turn on when someone gets extremely passionate about something.

2. What age bracket are you in? The way things are right now, in the US at least, is that people in their 20s and 30s are all over the board. There are people that live their "20s" deep into their 30s, partying and living overall like a child. Finding someone has has their life together, like you do, will be a challenge, if in this age group. You are in the minority when it comes to where you are in your life if you are in your 30s.

3. What is your weight/height? Thin girls are most desired up to true average. "Average" is a tough descriptor because people think that fat is average nowadays due to the way the country skews. If you are in anywhere from very mildly chubby to thin, you will be in the most desired category.

4. Sex. I think differently than most guys, so this is the least relevant category when reading my post. I think fooling around with hands is fine by 3-4. Maaaybe oral. Sex, I'd wait til exclusivity and STD talks. Have you considered just slowing down and enjoying yourself more with these guys and just getting to know them first before sex?

5. What are the dates? Dinner? Walking around town? I much, much prefer something active like mini golf(they have indoor ones in some cold weather areas), walking around town, etc over dinner or coffee. Less staring, more loose, and more fun. A date with a real connection should last long beyond whatever you scheduled/planned. You should lose track of time and conversation should be amazing.

November 3, 2015

I'm sure this question has been asked many times but I failed to find an answer..

I suppose I can say I'm nice and pretty (if looks matters when it comes to relationships) no any baggage whatsoever (got my life together pretty well)and I can't think of anything else that would stop a guy from wanting something serious with me??

In real life I don't really have guys approaching me. I don't meet lots of people either except for grocery stores and I don't get approached there..

In OLD no bloody guys wants to have a relationship with me. Yeah they just want sex. I can't help but thinking I am the problem here, except I don't know what went wrong.

I really am just sick of being single and frustrated why no guy wants anything serious with me.....Am I actually just not hot enough for guys to commit?...

Am I actually just not hot enough for guys to commit?

So, you think that being hot is what makes a man commit to a woman? It may be what attracts them initially, but it isn't the reason they want to keep you around for the long run.

The bottomline is that you just haven't met the one that's for you. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince . . . stop dwelling on all this. This by itself is BAGGAGE. The defeatist attitude comes across in strange ways.

November 3, 2015

The first guy never really let me in so yeah sex was good conversation was fun but he has always been very independent he didn't need me to do anything for him or support him emotionally whatsoever.

Yeah I can clearly see what you are doing wrong. You are picking the wrong men. Why did you stay with someone who didn't know what they wanted you for a year?

The breakup guys -- I'm sure they came on strong and then pulled away. You are picking emotionally unavailable guys. After a year the guy doesn't need you to emotionally support you 100% but your lives should be pretty intertwined.

November 3, 2015

I don't think you NEEDED to post your picture to prove to people here. But you are very pretty!! That should not be the issue. Not everyone is everyone's type so no one will appeal to every guy.

Edited November 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

November 3, 2015

Perhaps you go for guys who prefer other types, blondes or curvy or tall or whatever. Some guys will never date out of their culture, some guys only date blondes.

Maybe after a few dates, they realize there are way too many differences culture wise between the 2.

November 3, 2015

Im not in my young 20s btw but nevertheless..I see young 20s getting relationships all the time. I see people in my city getting relationships all the time. I see people (mostly friends) getting relationships online all the time. Am I imagining things?

I think if you start believing something is "wrong" with you in regards to dating, it can become a self-fulfilling possibility. Mentally try to be less frustrated. Know that it will take some time and you are going to give yourself every opportunity and put some routines in place to maximize your chances. Your internal attitude about yourself, your frustrations is not easily hidden though people might not be able to put their finger on exactly what it is about you. Instead of believing or thinking "what is wrong with me", "why don't guys notice how great I am or commit to me" "this is so frustrating" "being single is not 'where' I'm meant to be". Try to just get to neutral mentally. Let's see what happens. Then start living your life as an adventure and that you totally enjoy it as it is although you have goals in place, you have routines that will get you there but where you are is just fine. And you are going to ENJOY being single before you are part of a serious couple. Try thinking like you have options, have abundance (sorry a little new agey but it works!). good luck

November 3, 2015

God, this thread. OP, I'm sorry it degenerated to some needing to see if you're "attractive enough" or if you're dating out of your league. That's some whatever bullsh*t and a rather superficial view of dating. You are very attractive and you clearly have no problem GETTING dates.

With that out of the way ...

I think there's more to a relationship than being "pretty and nice." No one has zeroed in on the "nice" part. What exactly do you mean when you say you're nice? Do you let your personality out when you're with these guys, or do you just try and be agreeable or say what you think are the right things, or what would keep a guy around?

I'm actually pretty average—pretty face, eh body—but with the men I've dated, I've found that an honest to goodness personality, complete with an inappropriate sense of humor and some occasional argumentative tendencies, goes a long way in creating attraction. Men (and women) want to be with a real person, not a doll or a robot or a "nice" person.

I'm not suggesting that's what you're doing, but I am curious if some of that is in play.

November 3, 2015

God, this thread. OP, I'm sorry it degenerated to some needing to see if you're "attractive enough" or if you're dating out of your league. That's some whatever bullsh*t and a rather superficial view of dating. You are very attractive and you clearly have no problem GETTING dates.

With that out of the way ...

I think there's more to a relationship than being "pretty and nice." No one has zeroed in on the "nice" part. What exactly do you mean when you say you're nice? Do you let your personality out when you're with these guys, or do you just try and be agreeable or say what you think are the right things, or what would keep a guy around?

I'm actually pretty average—pretty face, eh body—but with the men I've dated, I've found that an honest to goodness personality, complete with an inappropriate sense of humor and some occasional argumentative tendencies, goes a long way in creating attraction. Men (and women) want to be with a real person, not a doll or a robot or a "nice" person.

I'm not suggesting that's what you're doing, but I am curious if some of that is in play.

yes, agreed! explain the "nice". I think that has a lot to do with things when there is no other seeming reason to not be finding what you want dating-wise. Sometimes too "nice" really means you are giving the other person all the power, which is boring and unattractive. We can help you figure this out.

November 3, 2015

But she has no problems GETTING dates. She wants to know why no one will COMMIT. Those are two different things, and at a certain point attractiveness has nothing to do with it.

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If I'm really attractive and nice, how come no one wants to commit to me??

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