Shallow Hal effect... can I make myself attracted to her?

[deadelvis]

I honestly put zero faith in psychiatrists. They literally see you for 15 minutes and write you a prescription that will have a huge impact on your life.

 

If you were having car trouble and went to a mechanic... and he spent 15 minutes listening to your car, without ever popping the hood, and then he handed you some mysterious bottle and said "pour some of this in your gas tank every day, it might fix your car, or it might make things far worse" I'd probably be a little skeptical.

 

That's how I feel about psychiatrists.

[RecentChange]

Counselors psychologist therapist....

 

And HOURS EVERY WEEK - Plus they give you a phone number to call anytime you need them....

 

As I said earlier, pretty standard when someone is in crisis, and getting PROPER care.

[deadelvis]

But what if you had a car that always runs poorly, and your boyfriend decided that rather than taking the advice of the countless mechanics who have reduced your car to a smoking mess, he's going to read up about auto maintenance and spend every night laying under your car with a flashlight, trying to figure out what's actually wrong. Would you still think "he's not a mechanic. what does he know?" or would you figure that since he spends every waking minute reading about automobile maintenance and trying to figure out why your car doesn't run properly, maybe his opinion is just as relevant as some overpaid crook who see's a hundred different cars each day and hands out "valve cleaner" like it's the solution for everyone's problems?

 

Psychiatrists don't love their patients any more than your mechanic loves your car. I love my motorcycle. And I love my girlfriend. I wouldn't let some "mechanic" lay a hand on my motorcycle and I sure don't trust some quack telling my girlfriend to "take two of these happy pills every day and you'll feel better"

Edited November 3, 2015 by deadelvis

[lilmissjava]

Your girlfriend is not a car.

 

She is not a manatee nor is she any one of the other hurtful things you have declared her to be.

 

She is a human being.

[deadelvis]

I'm going to get on antidepressants tomorrow, and probably benzo's too. Then we can just sit around the house together being fat, sexless zombies. Why feel human emotions when you can just escape them? Huxley was right about the future. I guess I'm due for a Soma Holiday. We all know what happens to the noble savage anyway. This is me checking out.

[RecentChange]

But you haven't tried hours of counseling, have you?

 

And as someone who DOES know how to work on cars, having spent countless hours with my pops in racing garage - no, I would research and find a good mechanic before I let my clueless BF and his Google knowledge start F'ing with the car. Because if you do not know how to effectively diagnose the issue - you can end up REALLY F'ing up the car, and making if WORSE than what you started with.

 

Spend some time researching health providers in your area

[BlueIris]

I honestly put zero faith in psychiatrists. They literally see you for 15 minutes and write you a prescription that will have a huge impact on your life.

 

If you were having car trouble and went to a mechanic... and he spent 15 minutes listening to your car, without ever popping the hood, and then he handed you some mysterious bottle and said "pour some of this in your gas tank every day, it might fix your car, or it might make things far worse" I'd probably be a little skeptical.

 

That's how I feel about psychiatrists.

 

If indeed she has all of the problems you catalogue, it isn't about you.

 

Believing that it is, that your opinions determine how her life proceeds, could be harmful to her.

 

She has to choose her path, no matter what philosophy or set of beliefs you follow.

 

Help her get to people that will strengthen her to heal and to choose her own path.

 

Try thinking of it this way. Let's say she is doing exactly what you are doing- diagnosing you, analyzing our past, speculating as to what she believes your problems are, deciding what you should do and what the acceptable paths are for you. How would that make you feel?

[RecentChange]

By the way.

 

Counselors, psychologist and therapist DO NOT PERSCRIBE MEDICATION. They provide therapy.

[deadelvis]

Health providers? What a ridiculous term. You mean drug providers.

[deadelvis]

If indeed she has all of the problems you catalogue, it isn't about you.

 

Believing that it is, that your opinions determine how her life proceeds, could be harmful to her.

 

She has to choose her path, no matter what philosophy or set of beliefs you follow.

 

Help her get to people that will strengthen her to heal and to choose her own path.

 

Try thinking of it this way. Let's say she is doing exactly what you are doing- diagnosing you, analyzing our past, speculating as to what she believes your problems are, deciding what you should do and what the acceptable paths are for you. How would that make you feel?

 

She has been. That's why I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow so I can medicate away my sex drive, creativity, joy and passion. She wants me fat and sexless like her instead of feeling the joys and sorrows of being human. People did just fine without prescription drugs for the past... I dunno... hundred thousand years. But I'm doing exactly what she should do, I'm trusting my partners advice, because I consider her to be the only person who actually knows me and I trust to look out for my best interest.

 

That being said, she thinks drugs are the answer to all of life's problems because she's been brainwashed by shrinks for the past 15 years to think something is wrong with her. I'm the opposite.

Edited November 3, 2015 by deadelvis

[RecentChange]

Health providers? What a ridiculous term. You mean drug providers.

 

THEY DONT PROVIDE DRUGS. WHY CANT YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD?

 

Look, I have been in counseling. My suicidal BF has been through counseling. My bulimic (hot and crazy) sister has been through counseling, all with great results. We went to therapist - NOT psychiatrist...

 

NO DRUGS INVOLVED. They don't have licenses to prescribe them if they wanted to.

 

Through all of your research you have not explored the various talk therapy, and behavioral therapy options?!?!

 

I thought you were an expert!

[deadelvis]

I'd trust a shaman, a monk, a yogi or an exorcist before I'd trust some drug pushing shrink who gets kickbacks from big pharma. No thanks.

 

Hell, I'd trust a fortune teller, a faith healer or palm reader before I'd trust those crooked bastards.

[RecentChange]

But they don't provide drugs..... Why can't you understand that?

 

Google psychiatrist vs psychologist

[Httm]

This thread has run its course. Now it is just buffoonery.

[BlueIris]

She has been. That's why I'm seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow so I can medicate away my sex drive, creativity, joy and passion. She wants me fat and sexless like her instead of feeling the joys and sorrows of being human. People did just fine without prescription drugs for the past... I dunno... hundred thousand years. But I'm doing exactly what she should do, I'm trusting my partners advice, because I consider her to be the only person who actually knows me and I trust to look out for my best interest.

 

No, do not trust your partner's advice. There is a very good reason that not even professionals diagnose and treat their partners. They are too emotionally enmeshed to see things clearly. Ethical professionals acknowledge this.

 

But back to my point- so you trust her analysis of you and directives to you and you will live according to them? It's okay with you that should make your health and medical decisions, including about psychological needs? It seems that you shouldn't.

 

It actually sounds as though you are playing a dangerous game of chicken, with your mental health and hers, disqualifying both of you from making such decisions. This isn't about dares.

[deadelvis]

Well, there are psychiatrist, which is what we've been talking about. Who are essentially drug dealers for big pharma. And there are therapists, psychotherapists, psychologists etc. Psychiatrists are crooked drug pushers. Period. Therapists all subscribe to some sort of post-modern Freudian/Jungian ideology. And to be quite frank, I think that method of quantifying the human mind into little boxes is beyond retarded. I would put much more faith in a shaman or a buddhist monk than some therapist trying to psychoanalyze me and put me in some neat little box that defines my whole human condition.

[RecentChange]

At this point I am convinced you deserve this relationship.

 

Happy trails to you!

[BlueIris]

Sorry, my post was jumbled. To state it more clearly:

 

No, do not trust your partner's advice. There is a very good reason that not even professionals diagnose and treat their partners. They are too emotionally enmeshed to see things clearly. Ethical professionals acknowledge this.

 

But back to my point- so you trust her analysis of you and directives to you and you will live according to them? It's okay with you that she makes the decisions about your health and medical care, including about psychological needs? It seems that you shouldn't.

 

It actually sounds as though you are playing a dangerous game of chicken, with your mental health and hers, disqualifying both of you from making such decisions. This isn't about dares.

[Eighty_nine]

Answers in bold

 

Your last thing is totally not true. Activity and exercise are great for you (I work out 6 days a week, so I'm not BSing here) but in order to LOSE weight you need to cut calories. That's way, way more efficient.

 

And honestly, I can't imagine my boyfriend being any size where I'd consider leaving him, (if that were the only issue/change in the relationship, of course). Would I worry about his health? Definitely. But he's already a little bit chubby and I am super, crazy attracted to him because I love him and am very connected romantically and platonically to him. You're not just saying that you're unhappy about her weight gain, you're saying it is possibly enough to leave her over it. And your joking about it just isn't funny, because she's a woman you claim to love. Those are just not the actions of a person really in love in my opinion.

[Eighty_nine]

Well, there are psychiatrist, which is what we've been talking about. Who are essentially drug dealers for big pharma. And there are therapists, psychotherapists, psychologists etc. Psychiatrists are crooked drug pushers. Period. Therapists all subscribe to some sort of post-modern Freudian/Jungian ideology. And to be quite frank, I think that method of quantifying the human mind into little boxes is beyond retarded. I would put much more faith in a shaman or a buddhist monk than some therapist trying to psychoanalyze me and put me in some neat little box that defines my whole human condition.

 

I was a therapist and this is not true. In fact most modern therapists are leaning toward trauma-informed solution focused therapy these days. At least the good ones are. Anyone who is still using a psychoanalytic approach is not worth seeing, in my opinion.

[empresario]

I mean this in the best way...but do you post sometimes just for the abuse?

 

 

I've read a lot of your threads about this woman, and you obviously both have a lot of issues you need to get through before you pursue relationships (especially with each other).

 

 

You are kind of a vain guy. Hey, I'm not judging. You are attracted to what you like, and you shouldn't apologize for that.

 

 

What I will tell you is, don't ever expect her to be perfect again. She's getting older, and as I know...things change once you get older.

 

 

Let's say she gets her butt into gear and gets back into shape. Most people that make a concerted effort to do so get stretch marks/cellulite from the rapid weight gain followed by the rapid weight loss.

 

 

If her skin messes up are you going to be back here asking how you get over that?

 

 

You need to face the facts. She's not a model anymore. Either you love her and can accept this or you can't.

 

 

This reminds me of when I was dating a very wonderful woman for 3 years. I loved her in every way but I wasn't entirely attracted to her. Part of it was because over the years we were dating I got more attractive, successful, and in shape. In that time she stayed the same. I was way more attractive than her and my tastes changed as a result.

 

 

I had to decide if this woman that made me happy was worth not being overly attracted to her anymore. I knew I COULD live my life that way and be happy. But I also knew I would have regrets. Was it vain and cold? Yes. But I had to do it because that was what was fair to her, and what was fair to myself.

 

 

You need to learn to love her or let her go. She isn't going to change just because you want her to...and even then I'm not convinced you won't find something else wrong.

[losangelena]

You need to learn to love her or let her go. She isn't going to change just because you want her to...and even then I'm not convinced you won't find something else wrong.

 

There will probably always be something else wrong, you're right.

[thecrucible]

I had to decide if this woman that made me happy was worth not being overly attracted to her anymore. I knew I COULD live my life that way and be happy. But I also knew I would have regrets. Was it vain and cold? Yes. But I had to do it because that was what was fair to her, and what was fair to myself.

 

My point of view is that I'd rather be upset with a man's point of view than have to deal with a lack of integrity. As long as of course the guy doesn't tell me the whole truth in a way that is going to really hurt my feelings. It's obviously quite hard to hear that a man doesn't find you attractive anymore. I'd rather a guy say something vague like "I think we have outgrown each other" or something like that.

[empresario]

My point of view is that I'd rather be upset with a man's point of view than have to deal with a lack of integrity. As long as of course the guy doesn't tell me the whole truth in a way that is going to really hurt my feelings. It's obviously quite hard to hear that a man doesn't find you attractive anymore. I'd rather a guy say something vague like "I think we have outgrown each other" or something like that.

 

Yeah I don't think I approached it bluntly, haha.

 

 

I think my whole speech to her at the time was how I outgrew her. She is a teacher and knew how her next 30 years would go. I live day to day and am constantly looking for a new challenge.

 

 

I found out recently she stopped teaching and moved to California to pursue some dreams of hers. I was really, really proud because I know she is happier because of our split as well. She needed to get passion back in her life.

 

 

And OP, perhaps that's the type of wakeup call your girl needs.

[thecrucible]

Yeah I don't think I approached it bluntly, haha.

 

 

I think my whole speech to her at the time was how I outgrew her. She is a teacher and knew how her next 30 years would go. I live day to day and am constantly looking for a new challenge.

 

 

I found out recently she stopped teaching and moved to California to pursue some dreams of hers. I was really, really proud because I know she is happier because of our split as well. She needed to get passion back in her life.

 

 

And OP, perhaps that's the type of wakeup call your girl needs.

 

That's a really sweet story. Good to hear that she is doing well and pursuing her dreams. Break-ups don't have to be all bad. What you said proves that break-ups can be really good for both parties. You sound like a good person.

 

I take the same approach as you. I'd rather be honest with myself if I don't want to be in the relationship and let the guy go as anything else would feel like stringing the guy along. I was with a guy for a few years who I wasn't really in love with as much as he was in love with me and I feel bad for letting it carry on as long as it did. It wasn't the right thing. You think to yourself that you'll wait and see if you change your mind, but really it's just making it worse for the person you are with. In order to resolve it, it's a case of learning to deal with uncertainty when making a decision. It's hard to know whether it's the right decision to let them go, but it's better than being at a half-way point when nothing is happening going forward.

 

Sorry long winded reply but I can totally see what you are getting at!