Shallow Hal effect... can I make myself attracted to her?

[lino]

If this topic was a woman posting about her guy being depressed and gambling his money away, the responses would be very different.

 

I'd suggest you follow the responses that would be given in such a topic. You know very well what they would be.

 

A man who is in shape shouldn't be crucified for not wanting to be with a fat woman.

Double standards aren't cool.

[kpl]

She does love me, in a Rx zombie type of way.

 

I've always dated the hot=crazy types. I thought I was a master at navigating through the minefield of madness that goes along with hot=crazy. But this is different. I think I would do better if she was still hot=crazy. But it's this fat+sexless=Rx zombie thing that I'm not enjoying. I'll take hot=crazy all day long. That is what I signed up for. Not this fat+sexless=bull****.

 

This says more about you than it does about her. Frankly, this whole thread says more about you than her. Whether pilled up or not she is doing something. For some reason you have some savior complex, if not her it will be someone else until you figure that out.

[kpl]

If this topic was a woman posting about her guy being depressed and gambling his money away, the responses would be very different.

 

I'd suggest you follow the responses that would be given in such a topic. You know very well what they would be.

 

A man who is in shape shouldn't be crucified for not wanting to be with a fat woman.

Double standards aren't cool.

 

The key element here is the mental illness and suicidal tendencies - don't make this a gender war. Anyone who is expressing suicidal thoughts needs to be handled with kid gloves.

 

Also, I think she would be better off not being a relationship. Seriously her guilt is probably eating her up. No one wants to go through this stuff and they don't wan to put a partner through it, especially anyone they love. You can even call it a break for now, no one says you have to stop loving anyone just do that from afar.

[oldshirt]

"When men rescue damsels in distress, all they have to show for it at the end of the day is a distressed damsel on their hands."

 

Dr Laura Schlesinger

[MoreAmore]

160 lb is a manatee? That's like a size 8 at 5'4.

 

 

That said, you can't make someone lose weight and you can't make yourself be attracted to who you aren't.

 

Just end it.

[EricaH329]

I didn't read the entire thread, so I apologize if this has been mentioned before.

 

I agree with those that say she should be put on disability, or some other form of government assistance. She really should have done that the minute she stopped working due to her illnesses.

 

I've been on both ends of your current situation. I've been the depressed/anxiety ridden girlfriend. I've even broken up with a guy because it just wasn't fair to either of us. He wasn't helping because he didn't understand. And I couldn't get better in an environment where I wasn't getting the help and support I needed.

 

I've also been in a relationship where my boyfriend gained a lot of weight. It was fairly early in the relationship when he gained the weight, and because I had already fallen in love with him I didn't want to leave him because of that. His sex drive didn't diminish, but mine did. I just wasn't physically and sexually attracted to him.

 

That relationship lasted a little over 2 years before we broke up. I tried everything I could - talking to him about it, setting a workout/healthy eating plan, even attempting to do these things with him. Nothing worked.

 

I guess the real question here is: Are you capable of continuing to live the way you are? From what i've read so far, it doesn't seem like this is something that you'll be able to deal with much longer. Personally, I don't think it would make you a 'bad person' if you left the relationship. All of this is a lot to handle, for the both of you.

[Eighty_nine]

5'6" 125 lbs. for a woman is the definition of healthy.

5'6" 160 lbs is considered overweight

5'6" 190 lbs is obese

 

underweight would be anything less than 115

 

So I'm sorry if I want my girlfriend to be at a healthy weight rather than overweight or obese. How insensitive of me.

 

If I was expecting her to be 110 lbs maybe your point would be valid. Maybe. But she actually was 110 lbs for a long time and she was running marathons and working out for an hour+ every day. That sounds pretty healthy to me.

 

You have to leave her. There's no excuse or 'i love her' blah blah to stay with her. I get you're trying to be cute, but you compared her to a manatee. And I know how ridiculous your claims are, because I am 5'8", 160 pounds and nowhere near appearing 'fat'. Granted, some of that weight is in the 'right places' but STILL there's no way your 5'6" girlfriend would appear to look like a "manatee" to a random sampling of people. If you think she looks so unappealing at this average weight (it's just BARELY overweight according to BMI charts, and all bodies are different) and you are the person who is supposed to love and cherish her, you MUST end things. I feel so sad for her; she's having these mental health and physical issues and she has a boyfriend like you.

 

Truthfully, real love is not this shallow and I wish people could see that. My boyfriend could gain 100lbs and I would still find him attractive and absolutely adore him, because I'm genuinely in love. If you're having such a problem with that, you are just not in love with her.

 

And in terms of weight loss/gain, eating habits have much more to do with that then exercise.

Edited November 3, 2015 by lissvarna

[deadelvis]

You have to leave her. There's no excuse or 'i love her' blah blah to stay with her. I get you're trying to be cute, but you compared her to a manatee. And I know how ridiculous your claims are, because I am 5'8", 160 pounds and nowhere near appearing 'fat'. Granted, some of that weight is in the 'right places' but STILL there's no way your 5'6" girlfriend would appear to look like a "manatee" to a random sampling of people. If you think she looks so unappealing at this average weight (it's just BARELY overweight according to BMI charts, and all bodies are different) and you are the person who is supposed to love and cherish her, you MUST end things. I feel so sad for her; she's having these mental health and physical issues and she has a boyfriend like you.

 

I agree that it can really vary from one person to the next. I'm 6' 2" 190 lbs and the BMI say's I'm on the verge of overweight. But clearly when you see me standing naked the last thing I am is overweight. If I work out I don't lose weight, I gain weight. If I was in really good shape I'd weight about 220 and look amazing. But her ideal weight was definitely around 115. Aside from her big fake boobs, she is a really petite girl and the extra 40-45 lbs have not settled on the most attractive places. She doesn't look very sexy.

 

Truthfully, real love is not this shallow and I wish people could see that. My boyfriend could gain 100lbs and I would still find him attractive and absolutely adore him, because I'm genuinely in love. If you're having such a problem with that, you are just not in love with her.

 

It's easy to say that, but honestly, if your boyfriend gained 100 lbs, I highly doubt you would find him attractive. You wouldn't believe how many girls say things like "oh I'm not really attracted to muscular guys" but then when they're at the beach with their girlfriends and a guy with a rock hard body walks by, there's no question that they do in fact find muscular guys attractive. And similarly, a guy with a fat wife who tells himself that he's not attracted to thin girls will have the same reaction when a hot girl walks by in her bikini. No offense, but I'm calling BS.

 

And in terms of weight loss/gain, eating habits have much more to do with that then exercise.

 

That statement is partial truth at best. Activity and exercise play a much bigger role in weight loss than diet. Diet matters, but eating salads all the time won't really help if you sit around all day. If you have a really active life and get a lot of exercise you can pretty much eat whatever you want (within reason) and you will never get fat.

 

Answers in bold

[deadelvis]

I didn't read the entire thread, so I apologize if this has been mentioned before.

 

I agree with those that say she should be put on disability, or some other form of government assistance. She really should have done that the minute she stopped working due to her illnesses.

 

She's been working on it. It's a long a grueling process to get on disability, and even then disability would almost pay for her rent and bills. Food stamps would cover some of her groceries, but even id she gets approved for all these different types of government assistance, she'd still be unable to make ends meet.

 

I've been on both ends of your current situation. I've been the depressed/anxiety ridden girlfriend. I've even broken up with a guy because it just wasn't fair to either of us. He wasn't helping because he didn't understand. And I couldn't get better in an environment where I wasn't getting the help and support I needed.

 

That is pretty damn close to our situation. I've tried my best to be supportive, but it's not easy. I feel like I give 100% of my time, money, and energy to helping her and I'm not getting much in return. All I really need to be happy is love. And having a passionate sex life is certainly part of that. But when she has no libido and progressively lets herself become less and less attractive, it's crippling our sex life. My attraction to her and ultimately the love we feel for each other does need sex and attraction to maintain itself. It's hard to be happy when your partner becomes fat and never wants to have sex.

 

I've also been in a relationship where my boyfriend gained a lot of weight. It was fairly early in the relationship when he gained the weight, and because I had already fallen in love with him I didn't want to leave him because of that. His sex drive didn't diminish, but mine did. I just wasn't physically and sexually attracted to him.

 

That relationship lasted a little over 2 years before we broke up. I tried everything I could - talking to him about it, setting a workout/healthy eating plan, even attempting to do these things with him. Nothing worked.

 

And that's what I'm afraid of.

 

I guess the real question here is: Are you capable of continuing to live the way you are? From what i've read so far, it doesn't seem like this is something that you'll be able to deal with much longer. Personally, I don't think it would make you a 'bad person' if you left the relationship. All of this is a lot to handle, for the both of you.

 

It's starting to seem like it's not a question of if, but when. But I don't know if I could live with myself if I left her for being fat and sexless. Especially considering everything she's going through. It just seems like such a cold and heartless thing to do. And despite everything, I do love her very much.

Responses in bold

 

Ya know it might sound selfish but what I find myself wanting to say to her is this;

 

"I do everything for you. I work all day to support us. I clean the house. I do the laundry. I cook your meals. I spend my weekends helping you run your errands. Instead of spending my money on the things I enjoy, I buy you gifts to make you happy. And when we have sex, I make love to you like it's my last night on earth. I do everything for you and I never resent you for it. I'm kind and supportive to you. I do everything any man could possibly do to show his love for a woman. And I only want three things in return. Love me. Make love to me. And be sexy. That's pretty much the easiest job in the world. I can't think of any person who wouldn't love to have their sole responsibility in life to be loving their partner and staying sexy. Why is that too much to ask?"

[kpl]

And in terms of weight loss/gain, eating habits have much more to do with that then exercise.

 

That statement is partial truth at best. Activity and exercise play a much bigger role in weight loss than diet. Diet matters, but eating salads all the time won't really help if you sit around all day. If you have a really active life and get a lot of exercise you can pretty much eat whatever you want (within reason) and you will never get fat.

 

 

You know everything about everything......Stop the unnecessary focus on her weight. Her eating right and exercising probably won't help a ton right now anyway so there is nothing you can do about her weight. That's what you should take away from this thread. Focus on her mental health. Who cares if she is overweight or not she isn't even healthy enough for you to have a relationship with. If she was thin this would still be a mess.

[CarrieT]

Ya know it might sound selfish but what I find myself wanting to say to her is this;

 

"I do everything for you. I work all day to support us. I clean the house. I do the laundry. I cook your meals. I spend my weekends helping you run your errands. Instead of spending my money on the things I enjoy, I buy you gifts to make you happy. And when we have sex, I make love to you like it's my last night on earth. I do everything for you and I never resent you for it. I'm kind and supportive to you. I do everything any man could possibly do to show his love for a woman. And I only want three things in return. Love me. Make love to me. And be sexy. That's pretty much the easiest job in the world. I can't think of any person who wouldn't love to have their sole responsibility in life to be loving their partner and staying sexy. Why is that too much to ask?"

 

Why don't you say this?

 

I am serious. I am in a Master/slave relationship and essentially - before we got married - my guy spelled out exactly what made him happy in a relationship which involved almost all these things plus a few more.

 

Now I know *I* have put on some weight in the course of our relationship and he isn't happy about it. But we have talked about it and I am working on losing the weight. Because I want him to be happy.

[deadelvis]

You know everything about everything......Stop the unnecessary focus on her weight. Her eating right and exercising probably won't help a ton right now anyway so there is nothing you can do about her weight. That's what you should take away from this thread. Focus on her mental health. Who cares if she is overweight or not** she isn't even healthy enough for you to have a relationship with. If she was thin this would still be a mess.*

 

*Yes but at least it would be a hot mess. A hot mess I can deal with. A hot-crazy-manic-sex-crazed-mess has always been my modus operandi. The fat and sexless mess is a whole different bag entirely, and it's one that has very little reward to balance things.

 

**I care. This whole relationship revolves around her physical and mental health. I'm literally working two jobs, my regular job and my unofficial job as her full time caretaker. But when there's no sex and she becomes so overweight that I don't even feel attracted to her anymore, then I'm basically just volunteering to be an unpaid social worker and getting nothing out of it but a hug and a kiss goodnight.

[EricaH329]

I totally understand your frustration with trying to be supportive and patient as possible. I really do. I know you mentioned that you haven't resented her for it yet, but I have a feeling it may get to that point.

 

People like her need more than just support. She needs intensive therapy. She can't get better all on her own, and the medicine is just alleviating the symptoms that come along with her issues. They can't change her frame of mind, or how she feels about certain things. I take anxiety medicine when i'm on an airplane to help my nerves, but that doesn't mean I hate planes any less. Her mental state needs to be fixed/talked through/worked through. No amount of support, or medicine, will change her.

 

Responses in bold

 

Ya know it might sound selfish but what I find myself wanting to say to her is this;

 

"I do everything for you. I work all day to support us. I clean the house. I do the laundry. I cook your meals. I spend my weekends helping you run your errands. Instead of spending my money on the things I enjoy, I buy you gifts to make you happy. And when we have sex, I make love to you like it's my last night on earth. I do everything for you and I never resent you for it. I'm kind and supportive to you. I do everything any man could possibly do to show his love for a woman. And I only want three things in return. Love me. Make love to me. And be sexy. That's pretty much the easiest job in the world. I can't think of any person who wouldn't love to have their sole responsibility in life to be loving their partner and staying sexy. Why is that too much to ask?"

 

I sort of support you in this. The part I don't necessarily agree with is saying things like, "All I want you to do is this...", or "Why can't you do this...". Because as much as you want her to do those things, if she doesn't feel like she can, then she won't. Having sex when a person really doesn't want to, honestly feels horrible. I've had a low sex drive because of medicine that I used to take, and whenever I forced myself to have sex with my boyfriend, I felt terrible about it. I just laid there. So uncomfortable.

 

She won't be able to give you the answers you really need. She doesn't even know herself. I think you can, kindly, express the way your relationship is making you feel - but I wouldn't expect any changes to come from it.

[kpl]

*Yes but at least it would be a hot mess. A hot mess I can deal with. A hot-crazy-manic-sex-crazed-mess has always been my modus operandi. The fat and sexless mess is a whole different bag entirely, and it's one that has very little reward to balance things.

 

**I care. This whole relationship revolves around her physical and mental health. I'm literally working two jobs, my regular job and my unofficial job as her full time caretaker. But when there's no sex and she becomes so overweight that I don't even feel attracted to her anymore, then I'm basically just volunteering to be an unpaid social worker and getting nothing out of it but a hug and a kiss goodnight.

 

You don't want something real. You need to do some self reflection. I sense it has something to do with some of your struggles in the past. You love drama and I bet focusing on her stuff is a lot easier than focusing on your own. A mess is a mess is a mess and most mentally healthy ppl wouldn't want to deal with it hot or not. Even if you were having sex this relationship would be a struggle. She's struggling, there is no way for her to function in a healthy relationship and the fact that you would deal with all of the very real struggles if she was hot and you guys were having sex says a lot about how you value yourself. Wish you and her the best.

[deadelvis]

Why don't you say this?

 

I am serious. I am in a Master/slave relationship and essentially - before we got married - my guy spelled out exactly what made him happy in a relationship which involved almost all these things plus a few more.

 

Now I know *I* have put on some weight in the course of our relationship and he isn't happy about it. But we have talked about it and I am working on losing the weight. Because I want him to be happy.

 

I would love to say that to her, but she feels like her libido and weight gain are out of her control. She does love me, so I'm getting one of the three things I need to be happy. But the other two, a sexy partner and a healthy sex life are things she doesn't feel like she has any control over, so reminding her of that would be hurtful. And I know she wants to be sexy again and have a normal libido, so there wouldn't be much point in mentioning it.

 

But I applaud you on getting fit for your husband. It shows that you value his needs and wants. Most people are quick to dismiss it as shallow and selfish to want your partner to look their best. But like you said, everyone has their needs in a relationship. Mine are so simple. Love me. Be sexy. F*** me. Some guys want a hot meal waiting for them at home, a clean house and a cold beer. I don't need any of that. Just love, sex and attraction. Simple.

Edited November 3, 2015 by deadelvis

[GunslingerRoland]

*Yes but at least it would be a hot mess. A hot mess I can deal with. A hot-crazy-manic-sex-crazed-mess has always been my modus operandi. The fat and sexless mess is a whole different bag entirely, and it's one that has very little reward to balance things.

 

See, now you're being honest. You don't give a ****, if she's falling apart mentally as long as she's hot and horny.

 

It's actually kinda ****ed up that you seem to prefer your women this way. You basically want a woman who's falling apart at the seems, who you can take care of but who's hot and horny.

 

Take a minute to think about what that says about your problems. Which you bring up but then brush aside in all these threads. You have issues with your expectations of women, the type of women you go for, and your opinions of women.

 

Healthy is finding a relationship where two people are equals. You can't date women that are mentally unstable and then cry foul when that instability goes in a different direction than you hoped.

[deadelvis]

Here's an example:

 

She's out of town right now seeing medical specialists in another city. I have been struggling with my sleep patterns lately. The stress has been making it difficult for me to get a full nights rest. I woke up really early today and decided to watch a movie to distract myself from the anxiety and depression I've been feeling lately. There was one scene in the movie where the couple were moving into an apartment together. They started going at it and had sex on the floor of the empty apartment with the unpacked boxes all around them.

 

When we first started dating we talked a lot about milestones. We were listing off all the fun milestones we would share together. Meeting each others families, the holidays, etc. One of the things she mentioned was the exact scene in the movie... moving into our first apartment together and making love on the floor of the empty apartment with all of our things still in boxes. But that never happened. We moved into our apartment together several months ago. There was one day in particular when we were standing in the empty living room with all our stuff in boxes. I started kissing her and trying to be passionate. She wasn't interested. No libido = no passion. That means no making love on the floor of our empty apartment. So that milestone slipped away. And now it's gone forever.

 

When that scene came on during the movie I burst into tears and sobbed uncontrollably for about an hour. Why can't we have that? Why do these milestones pass by and slip away? We never had a honeymoon phase because she has no libido. We had talked about having sex in every room of the house. I'm lucky if I can get occasional, unenthusiastic sex in our bedroom with the lights out. Having passionate sex in every room of the house is completely out of the question. Trust me. I've tried.

 

The honeymoon phase slipped past and we never got to experience it. Now it's gone.

[deadelvis]

See, now you're being honest. You don't give a ****, if she's falling apart mentally as long as she's hot and horny.

 

It's actually kinda ****ed up that you seem to prefer your women this way. You basically want a woman who's falling apart at the seems, who you can take care of but who's hot and horny.

 

Take a minute to think about what that says about your problems. Which you bring up but then brush aside in all these threads. You have issues with your expectations of women, the type of women you go for, and your opinions of women.

 

Healthy is finding a relationship where two people are equals. You can't date women that are mentally unstable and then cry foul when that instability goes in a different direction than you hoped.

 

There's a joke me and my guy friends have.

 

There are two kinds of crazy women... hot-crazy and just crazy-crazy.

Hot-crazy is great.

Crazy-crazy is a nightmare.

 

My GF has actually fallen outside these categories. I thought she was hot-crazy. I guess she was in the past before these worthless doctors turned her into a medicated zombie. But it seems there is a third category I didn't know about... it's medi-crazy. When a person trades all the good parts of their personality for a chemical lobotomy. I'd rather deal with a person who has some issues than someone who's in a medicated trance for their whole life. That's a sad trade off. I'm a bit crazy myself. I think her unmedicated self would be far preferable to the psychiatric guinea pig these doctors have made her. I f***ing hate prescription drugs and the way a doctor would rather turn someone into a zombie than let them be a little outside the boundaries of "normal". Normal is f***ing boring. But medicated to the point of being sexless and overweight? That's just f***ed. The psychiatrists turned a beautiful, creative and exciting woman into a fat sexless zombie because they don't know how to accept someone who doesn't fit into their narrowly defined little box labeled "sane".

Edited November 3, 2015 by deadelvis

[MoreAmore]

If you have a really active life and get a lot of exercise you can pretty much eat whatever you want (within reason) and you will never get fat.

 

That's just not true.

At all.

(For many women.)

 

Especially, if you consider a size 8-12 fat, which this OP clearly does based on his original post.

 

I know from experience.

[losangelena]

*Yes but at least it would be a hot mess. A hot mess I can deal with. A hot-crazy-manic-sex-crazed-mess has always been my modus operandi. The fat and sexless mess is a whole different bag entirely, and it's one that has very little reward to balance things.

 

This to me sounds like the crux of the issue. Correct me if I'm misunderstanding, but I hear you saying you'd rather that your GF be hot and sexy and f*ckable, with a host of untreated mental problems, than be fat, unattractive and on her way to recovery?

 

Is that an accurate rephrasing of what you said?

 

You guys sound a bit codependent to me.

 

You're like the partner of an alcoholic whose trying to get clean—complaining that they're sober and no longer fun.

 

I don't quite believe you when you say you don't resent her, because you're happy to refer to her a manatee (I know you don't say it to her face; even still); you seem to think that she purposefully refuses to give you what you want from a relationship (hot, sexy, crazy, etc), when instead she's in a place right now where she literally CAN'T; and you have a low opinion of what she's struggling with, thinking that a bipolar person should just be able to muscle their way out of their illness. If those don't scream resentment, I don't know what would.

 

You say you care, and I think you do, but whenever the MOST loving thing is suggested—break up with her, let her learn to deal with this herself—you say that you're the only one who can help her. But ... you're not. She may struggle and it may be hard if you let her go, but the point of fact is you are not her only way. I honestly think y'all's refusal to let go of each other is holding you both back. As someone who struggled through their own codependent relationship, I can tell you that letting go is the hardest part but it really is best for BOTH parties.

 

I for one applaud what she's doing. She's taking the steps to treat her problems, even if it means for a time that her body will look different. So she spend a couple of years being overweight—big deal in the grand scheme of things. But as she treats her bipolar disease, and her anxiety and depression, she'll become a healthier, less damaged person, and I bet anything she'll eventually get off the meds and lose weight. She may never go back to weighing 120 pounds, but wherever she ends up, she'll be a happier person because of what she's going through now.

 

I know you're in a hard place, dude, but it just seems like you're not quite thinking objectively about all this.

[deadelvis]

In college I had a professor who told this story to the class. It's been many years and I may get the details mixed up a bit, but it's a good story regardless.

 

During World War 2 when the Nazi's were invading Norway (it may have been Finland, I think it was Norway) the Norwegian people didn't want the mental patients to be executed. The Nazi's would generally execute everyone at the mental institute as part of their eugenics plan. So to avoid this, the Norwegians took all the "crazy people" from the mental institutes and spread them across the countryside. They placed one mental patient at each farmhouse and told the farmers to pretend the mental patient was a part of their family. The farmers took in these mentally ill people and taught them to work alongside their families. During the years of WW2, the mental patients learned to work the fields and raise crops on the farms and became a close part of the families they were staying with. When the war eventually ended, mental health professionals went around to the farms to collect the mental patients and readmit them back to the mental hospital. To everyone's surprise, the mental patients were no longer mentally ill. After having worked on the farm for several years and becoming a part of the farmers family, they had mysteriously been cured of their mental illness.

 

I'm not sure how much of that story is true and how much is allegory, but I believe the underlying meaning is very true and valid. People aren't crazy. The world is crazy. Medication is no substitute for meditation. Sanity is learning to be happy with who you are, not taking a handful of drugs every day to turn yourself into some Haitian Zombie.

[xxoo]

Can you be attracted to an emotionally stable woman? Or do you need crazy?

[deadelvis]

This to me sounds like the crux of the issue. Correct me if I'm misunderstanding, but I hear you saying you'd rather that your GF be hot and sexy and f*ckable, with a host of untreated mental problems, than be fat, unattractive and on her way to recovery?

 

Is that an accurate rephrasing of what you said?

 

You guys sound a bit codependent to me.

 

You're like the partner of an alcoholic whose trying to get clean—complaining that they're sober and no longer fun.

 

I don't quite believe you when you say you don't resent her, because you're happy to refer to her a manatee (I know you don't say it to her face; even still); you seem to think that she purposefully refuses to give you what you want from a relationship (hot, sexy, crazy, etc), when instead she's in a place right now where she literally CAN'T; and you have a low opinion of what she's struggling with, thinking that a bipolar person should just be able to muscle their way out of their illness. If those don't scream resentment, I don't know what would.

 

You say you care, and I think you do, but whenever the MOST loving thing is suggested—break up with her, let her learn to deal with this herself—you say that you're the only one who can help her. But ... you're not. She may struggle and it may be hard if you let her go, but the point of fact is you are not her only way. I honestly think y'all's refusal to let go of each other is holding you both back. As someone who struggled through their own codependent relationship, I can tell you that letting go is the hardest part but it really is best for BOTH parties.

 

I for one applaud what she's doing. She's taking the steps to treat her problems, even if it means for a time that her body will look different. So she spend a couple of years being overweight—big deal in the grand scheme of things. But as she treats her bipolar disease, and her anxiety and depression, she'll become a healthier, less damaged person, and I bet anything she'll eventually get off the meds and lose weight. She may never go back to weighing 120 pounds, but wherever she ends up, she'll be a happier person because of what she's going through now.

 

I know you're in a hard place, dude, but it just seems like you're not quite thinking objectively about all this.

 

Read the story I posted above about WW2.

 

The crux here is... she was happy when she was hot, crazy and fun. She had a happy life. There were certain things she doesn't want back like the promiscuity and heavy drinking... but overall, her old life was very happy. Her "new life" is not happy or joyful. She's miserable and depressed. She was a popular model who got paid to fly around the country meeting her fans and signing autographs. She hung out with celebrities and musicians. She was partying at mansions and living her dream. So don't think I'm the only one who wants her old life back. And BTW... she was totally BiPolar, BPD and GAD during that time. And while she did take medications back then, it was nothing of the magnitude she's prescribed now. Sickness=depression, depression=worse mental health, worse mental health=more medications, more medications=more side effects, more side effects=more sickness and depression and that cycle repeats.

[deadelvis]

Can you be attracted to an emotionally stable woman? Or do you need crazy?

 

If you meet an emotionally stable woman who is hot and fun to hang out with let me know. But until then I'll take hot-crazy over frumpy-boring any day.

[losangelena]

In college I had a professor who told this story to the class. It's been many years and I may get the details mixed up a bit, but it's a good story regardless.

 

During World War 2 when the Nazi's were invading Norway (it may have been Finland, I think it was Norway) the Norwegian people didn't want the mental patients to be executed. The Nazi's would generally execute everyone at the mental institute as part of their eugenics plan. So to avoid this, the Norwegians took all the "crazy people" from the mental institutes and spread them across the countryside. They placed one mental patient at each farmhouse and told the farmers to pretend the mental patient was a part of their family. The farmers took in these mentally ill people and taught them to work alongside their families. During the years of WW2, the mental patients learned to work the fields and raise crops on the farms and became a close part of the families they were staying with. When the war eventually ended, mental health professionals went around to the farms to collect the mental patients and readmit them back to the mental hospital. To everyone's surprise, the mental patients were no longer mentally ill. After having worked on the farm for several years and becoming a part of the farmers family, they had mysteriously been cured of their mental illness.

 

I'm not sure how much of that story is true and how much is allegory, but I believe the underlying meaning is very true and valid. People aren't crazy. The world is crazy. Medication is no substitute for meditation. Sanity is learning to be happy with who you are, not taking a handful of drugs every day to turn yourself into some Haitian Zombie.

 

DE, whose original idea was it to put your GF on all these meds? Did she go to the doctor because she was struggling? Was she at a point where she felt something was wrong and needed to do something about it? Is she being force-fed these meds?

 

About the WWII story—they had a poor understanding of mental illness back in those days. It's very possible that a lot of those mental patients were just suffering from sever GAD or panic disorder, and indeed, keeping busy and working with your hands does actually help alleviate anxiety, as does interpersonal acceptance.

 

But bipolar is a different beast altogether. I have a good friend from college who has bipolar, and once you're officially diagnosed, it can take a while to find a treatment that works well. The end goal is NOT to be a medicated zombie forever, but patients can unfortunately be subject to meds that "flatten them out" more than they should. My bipolar friend eventually did some kind of experimental treatment (can't remember what it's called) that has helped tremendously, and since that time she's gotten married and had a baby.

 

Anyway, my point is that with thorough treatment, you GF is not looking at a lifetime of zombie-ism. Again, it's a process. Medication is ONE side of it, not the entire picture. She needs doctors who understand that, and she needs the willingness to work with them for her own best treatment. That's why she needs more help than you yourself can provide.

 

If she had a heart condition or kidney disease or something, I doubt you'd be so vehement about all this. The brain can fail like any other organ can fail.