Shallow Hal effect... can I make myself attracted to her?

November 3, 2015

Don't be too scientific about this. There are other factors to include such as body type. I'm usually heavier than people expect, for instance, because I am genuinely big-boned. There's nothing wrong with being slightly overweight. There's a world of difference between overweight and obese and you are being picky. A woman's weight fluctuates a lot through her lifetime and will only stay constant if she is able to constantly put in the work. But life happens and it's not always possible to be at your optimum weight. Some of my friends have small children and I don't but even I find it hard to find time to work out. It's even harder for them and they are trying to shift baby weight too.

Fair enough. I'm 6'2" and I weigh 190 lbs. Depending on how much cardio and exercise I get, I can go anywhere from a 185 to 200. But I've never been overweight or fat. Not by a long shot. I can carry two one-hundred-pound bags of cement up a steep hill. Why? Because I have self respect. My grandma is 90 years old and she splits her own firewood. Why? Because she refuses to become weak. I can't understand how anyone would ever let themselves become fat or weak. I also read classic literature instead of watching TV. Why? Because there are more types of weakness than just physical apathy. Weakness is lazyness. Lazyness is sloth. And sloth is just another one of the 7 deadly sins. Don't be weak. Be strong. In mind and in body. We live in a nation of fat, stupid and lazy people. I will never be one of them. They disgust me.

November 3, 2015

Maybe she'd just go back to her mom's like she did a couple of weeks ago when she asked for a break and moved out.

Her mom lost the house.

November 3, 2015

She's probably thinking, "another 30 to go and I'll be 190 pounds lighter."

That's a good one! LOL

November 3, 2015

Her mom lost the house.

Well that was fast. From your threads about her, I'd say her life sounds Dickensian.

November 3, 2015

Except the sad irony is that in another 30 lbs... I'll be the one who's 190 lbs lighter.

November 3, 2015

I don't understand how you can supposedly love someone who disgusts you so much.

Here are some tidbits

No one WANTS to be mentally ill. No one wants to live like this. She hasn't really made a choice to be disgusting, its a symptom of her mental health.

You appear to have very little actual understanding of mental health diseases and very little in the way of genuine compassion or empathy.

Look, my guy went through a deep depression. He thought about suicide, he tried to leave me. But I knew it was the DEPRESSION talking, and not him. I didn't give up on him either - but at this point we had gone through 9 good years together. I love him, not the depression that rears its head from time to time, but when it does, I am his partner, and I help him fight it.

I can sperate him from the disease. I have never felt disgust, or any of the other long list of terrible adjectives you use about the girl you "love" to describe him.

November 3, 2015

Well that was fast. From your threads about her, I'd say her life sounds Dickensian.

Indeed. Her life has been reminiscent of a Dickens novel.

November 3, 2015

I don't understand how you can supposedly love someone who disgusts you so much.

Here are some tidbits

No one WANTS to be mentally ill. No one wants to live like this. She hasn't really made a choice to be disgusting, its a symptom of her mental health.

You appear to have very little actual understanding of mental health diseases and very little in the way of genuine compassion or empathy.

Look, my guy went through a deep depression. He thought about suicide, he tried to leave me. But I knew it was the DEPRESSION talking, and not him. I didn't give up on him either - but at this point we had gone through 9 good years together. I love him, not the depression that rears its head from time to time, but when it does, I am his partner, and I help him fight it.

I can sperate him from the disease. I have never felt disgust, or any of the other long list of terrible adjectives you use about the girl you "love" to describe him.

I believe in a very "pick yourself up by the bootstraps" way of life. I take accountability for my own actions. We are what we do. I took way too many drugs during a period of my life (it's a long story... I was a DJ in a big city, went clubbing every night, got hooked on drugs) and lost my mind. I spent years suffering from drug induced madness. I lost everything. I wandered around talking to myself like a crazy person. But I never went to a doctor. I "beautiful mind"ed my way out of that ****. I used my intelligence to overcome my madness. I pulled myself out of the madness, poverty and addiction. Nobody held my hand and fed my Xanax. I fought through it and it made me stronger. I've been suicidal. I've come really close a few times. But I'm not the type to "attempt suicide" that's a cowards cry for help. When my time comes I'll do what my great grandfather did, what Hemingway did. I'll put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.

November 3, 2015

I can carry two one-hundred-pound bags of cement up a steep hill. Why? Because I have self respect.

I think you'll find that not all people are overweight due to a lack of self-respect. I can't lift a lot of weight but I work out every week. I'm still slightly overweight but I have allowed myself to enjoy myself more now so it figures. I always knew I was to get back into shape. Also some people can't help their weight and it could be down to a medical condition or side effect of medication. Again, nothing to do with self-respect. You are awfully self-righteous.

I can't understand how anyone would ever let themselves become fat or weak.

Because it might be a symptom of a mental health condition. Believe me when I say no one with a mental health condition wants to be mentally ill. If it was that easy everyone would look perfect and have no physical problems.

Don't be weak. Be strong. In mind and in body. We live in a nation of fat, stupid and lazy people. I will never be one of them. They disgust me.

I know you are trying to take the moral high ground by saying you are more well-read and put together than she is. But you admit earlier in the thread that you started dating her because she was "hot and crazy". So clearly you are being really shallow. Now you are gutted because you've discovered her real personality having only started dating her purely for her hotness and the tension created by her being "crazy".

If reading classical literature and being self-driven is important in a match, that should have contributed to your decision to date her. But you were blinded by hotness and now you are clutching at straws of the one thing that bonds you - your desire to stick your penis in her.

November 3, 2015

Riiiiiiiight, because anxiety and depression are signs of weakness. Got it.

November 3, 2015

When I was in my early 20's I had a severe illness that left me in excruciating pain 24 hours a day. It lasted for two years. The pain was so bad I was shaking and sweating. Throwing up from the pain. I refused any painkillers. Instead I engraved my name on a bullet and carried it around in my pocket. When the pain seemed unbearable and I was puking and shaking I would clutch that bullet till my fingers bled. Because no matter how bad the pain got, I knew there was always one bullet with my name on it, waiting to take all the pain away. After I got my health back I fired the bullet into the ocean and went on with my life. I never took a single pain killer. Because I'm not a pussy.

November 3, 2015

I spent years suffering from drug induced madness. I lost everything. I wandered around talking to myself like a crazy person. But I never went to a doctor. I "beautiful mind"ed my way out of that ****. I used my intelligence to overcome my madness. I pulled myself out of the madness, poverty and addiction. Nobody held my hand and fed my Xanax. I fought through it and it made me stronger. I've been suicidal. I've come really close a few times. But I'm not the type to "attempt suicide" that's a cowards cry for help. When my time comes I'll do what my great grandfather did, what Hemingway did. I'll put the gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.

Considering what you went through yourself, your judgement of her seems to be more about you and how you have dealt with your past. It's more to do with your own self-perception.

There's nothing wrong with someone needing help to overcome their problems. We all cope in different ways.

If you are as an emotional soul as you come across here, you should look to date someone different as clearly your gf's condition is affecting you. You need to find someone probably more stoic and grounded.

November 3, 2015

I haven't read all 6 pages of this thread but I did read the first couple.

The question you posed is can someone fool themselves into desiring an overweight, lazy, unemployed, psycho with no libido that sits on the couch watching TV, eating and taking a dozen meds all day?

The answer = no. And why should anyone?

The double standard here amazes me.

If some woman wrote in that her partner was a fat, lazy, unemployed, homeless, person with mental problems that couldn't get it up and was living off her how many people would be suggesting she look for other signs of beauty like his eyes and lips and that she should support him so that he feels loved and accepted in his own fat skin.

This chick has problems and she is the one that needs to be responsible for taking care of herself and addressing her problems. If she is incapable of taking adequate care of herself, then she needs to be in an appropriate care facility under the care of professional clinicians until she is able to be self supporting.

This woman needs medical and psychological help from trained professional doctors and therapists, not some guy she hooked up and has dated.

I am sure Deadelvis is a decent guy who means well, but he is not a physician, psychiatrist or mental health therapist and that is the team of professionals that she needs at this time.

He is not responsible for her and nobody should have to force themselves into being attracted to a train wreck so that she can have a roof over her head and food in her belly. she needs actual medical and psychiatric help, not romantic poems, love songs and I-wuv-you's from some guy she happened to start dating 40 pounds ago.

November 3, 2015

Considering what you went through yourself, your judgement of her seems to be more about you and how you have dealt with your past. It's more to do with your own self-perception.

There's nothing wrong with someone needing help to overcome their problems. We all cope in different ways.

If you are as an emotional soul as you come across here, you should look to date someone different as clearly your gf's condition is affecting you. You need to find someone probably more stoic and grounded.

I agree with this, except the part in bold. We all live and die by our own hand. By our own actions. That's what makes us who we are. How we deal with adversity. Do you rise or to you cower? That's what defines a person.

November 3, 2015

I agree with this, except the part in bold. We all live and die by our own hand. By our own actions. That's what makes us who we are. How we deal with adversity. Do you rise or to you cower? That's what defines a person.

There's a difference between needing a little bit of help and being wholly dependent on others. That's what I was trying to say. You shouldn't feel bad if you need a little help but ultimately, you need to be to some extent self-reliant.

November 3, 2015

You have zero understanding of depression and mental illness if you think they can just pull themselves up by their boot straps.

November 3, 2015

So Dead, the humane and compassionate thing to do here is give her 30 days notice to vacate your home and offer her assistance in working with her doctor/therapist etc on securing her safe and appropriate housing and occupational therapy. Her care provider can make a social services referral if you have legitimate concern for her physical safety and well being. If she is really that bad off, she may be eligible for some kind of assisted living or a half way house or group home or something.

She is not your responsibility and it is nuts to try to trick yourself into some kind of desire or attraction so that she can have a roof over her head and food in her belly.

If she is sick, she needs to get appropriate help and support, neither of which are your responsibility.

If she is just fat and lazy, she needs to get a life and get off her duff. And she can do that on her own time.

No woman would ever be expected to put up with a man in this kind of state, so I see no reason a man needs to trick himself into some kind of Jedi mind trick to find a train wreck attractive to keep her off the streets. That makes you as nutty as she is.

It's admirable that you have compassion and care about her safety. But you are not her responsible party and you are never obligated to love or desire someone that you don't or that you cannot.

Your obligation as a human being here is to assist her in getting to the appropriate care that she needs and allow the authorities and appropriate professionals and care givers to provide to her the appropriate treatment and therapy that she needs to be an independent, self-supporting adult.

November 3, 2015

There's a difference between needing a little bit of help and being wholly dependent on others. That's what I was trying to say. You shouldn't feel bad if you need a little help but ultimately, you need to be to some extent self-reliant.

And that's part of the reason I find this so frustrating. I know that if she would just get off all of her goddamn drugs she'd be just fine. And I'm sure 95% of her problems would go away, including her weight problems and her lack of libido. But instead the solution is me getting on pharmaceutical drugs to cope with the side effects of her drugs. Talk about the American way... People did just fine for the past 10,000 years without pharmaceutical drugs. But now everyone is looking for an easy answer. An easy way out. Nobody wants to deal with the pain of being human so they just bury it down beneath painkillers and anti-anxiety drugs. So yes, I guess I consider that weakness

November 3, 2015

And that's part of the reason I find this so frustrating. I know that if she would just get off all of her goddamn drugs she'd be just fine. And I'm sure 95% of her problems would go away, including her weight problems and her lack of libido. But instead the solution is me getting on pharmaceutical drugs to cope with the side effects of her drugs. Talk about the American way... People did just fine for the past 10,000 years without pharmaceutical drugs. But now everyone is looking for an easy answer. An easy way out. Nobody wants to deal with the pain of being human so they just bury it down beneath painkillers and anti-anxiety drugs. So yes, I guess I consider that weakness

And what is your medical, pharmacological and psychological education, training and background to make that determination for her?????

Her treatment, therapies, medication and case management are the responsibilities of her licensed physician, psychiatrist and therapist etc etc.

Not some STBX BF who is fed up with her and has lost his esteem for her.

Let her go so that her doctors and care givers can deal with her issues and care.

November 3, 2015

I pay for all of her specialists. Without me she would be getting zero treatment for her actual ailments

November 3, 2015

I pay for all of her specialists. Without me she would be getting zero treatment for her actual ailments

No, she would go on Title XIX and probably a host of other government benefits and would probably get more consistent and continuous care.

You are putting her between a rock and hard place. Currently you are enabling her but in the process you are becoming embittered and disgusted by her and are probably becoming disrespectful towards her, but you are also footing her bills so she probably feels somewhat obligated to stay with you and put up with your contempt, which probably worsens her personal issues.

But if you were to toss her into the street, she would have to start from scratch to find housing and other services and there is often a bit of lag time for other benefits to kick in.

That's why I said the most humane and compassionate way to deal with this is give her a realistic deadline and assist her is finding assistance and support and getting on appropriate assistance programs.

November 3, 2015

Currently you are enabling her but in the process you are becoming embittered and disgusted by her and are probably becoming disrespectful towards her, but you are also footing her bills so she probably feels somewhat obligated to stay with you and put up with your contempt, which probably worsens her personal issues.

I agree that it can't be good for her mental health to be living with a guy who has such contempt for her and her condition. Didn't she ask for a break a few weeks ago? Have you considered that she might really need a break from this relationship for her sanity and health? It's not hard to imagine, because just about everything you write about your relationship here sounds negative.

A person whose mental issues are causing rapid weight gain, depression, and loss of libido isn't going to magically become a thin, happy, lusty girl.

It's very normal and healthy of you to want to be in a relationship with a healthy woman who is not dealing with serious mental health problems.

That's why I said the most humane and compassionate way to deal with this is give her a realistic deadline and assist her is finding assistance and support and getting on appropriate assistance programs.

I agree that the most loving thing to do is help her transition to a better situation and be her friend if you can. I don't think this relationship is doing either of you much good as it is.

November 3, 2015

That might be in the works. I told her if she really wants to leave I'll help her get set up. I would even let her stay here at my house and rent another place for myself until she can get situated elsewhere. Really her desire to leave is more about her feeling guilty for making me take care of her. Were both young, and she wants me to have a happy life. I'm always kind and supportive to her and I don't make her feel bad about anything, but she can tell i've been stressed out and depressed. I don't want to break up with her, because I really do love her, but at the same time I also feel like I deserve to have a normal life. And I feel like she deserves to have a normal life. And what we both want is to have a normal life together. But when one person is really sick, neither of you get to have a normal life. Eventually either she will start to get better, or she will let me go to have a normal life. But in the meantime, it's just a hard situation.

November 3, 2015

I know I joke a lot on LS but I would never call her a manatee or anything like that. I'm always really kind and compassionate toward her whole situation. She's got such bad anxiety that I can't really talk about anything serious with her. So joking about her weight is definitely out of the question. I just try to have a sense of humor LS because it's easier for me to express my feelings with a joke than a tearful cry for help. And for me LS is kinda like screaming into the void and listening for an echo.

November 3, 2015

You can bet that if the shoe was on the other foot, she would have dropped you like a hot potato.

You can do better than this woman Elvis, c'mon dude! You deserve a woman who you are attracted to, who you can trust and who satisfies you sexually.

EDIT: Also a breakup might just be the wakeup call she needs.

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Shallow Hal effect... can I make myself attracted to her?

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