Shallow Hal effect... can I make myself attracted to her?

November 2, 2015

Most people do not "grow out" of bipolar DISEASE its a serious condition that usually means a life long battle.

Are you in therapy? Is she is therapy? What about couples therapy?

This is done serious shiit that can't be fixed by throwing drugs at it. This is going to be an uphill battle, that professionals should be helping with.

This relationship makes me think of the term "throwing good money after bad" now you are stuck, and just keep sinking deeper and deeper....

Ever consider rather than you "saving" her - that she will be the ruin of you both?

November 2, 2015

I'd suggest those issues are the real problem. Why are you making it about her weight, then?

Because I went into the relationship aware of her physical and mental health problems, I knew what I was signing up for. But I didn't realize that she would put on a quick 40 lbs and have no interest in sex. As an old fashioned guy, I figured I could handle being the breadwinner and taking care of someone with health problems. And I still don't resent her for that. I'm happy to support her and take care of her. But I didn't realize I was signing up for a relationship with almost zero sex, (and when we do have sex she's just doing it for me, she has no libido at all) and I certainly didn't expect her to go from a knockout pinup model to grossly overweight. Those two issues (her weight and libido) were not what I signed up for.

November 2, 2015

Because I went into the relationship aware of her physical and mental health problems, I knew what I was signing up for. But I didn't realize that she would put on a quick 40 lbs and have no interest in sex. As an old fashioned guy, I figured I could handle being the breadwinner and taking care of someone with health problems. And I still don't resent her for that. I'm happy to support her and take care of her. But I didn't realize I was signing up for a relationship with almost zero sex, (and when we do have sex she's just doing it for me, she has no libido at all) and I certainly didn't expect her to go from a knockout pinup model to grossly overweight. Those two issues (her weight and libido) were not what I signed up for.

Well now we have a problem. You went into this relationship probably thinking b/c you didn't see the issues they didn't really exist. You underestimated what was going on. Fribromyalgia - she may not even be able to work out! This girl is in chronic mental and physical pain. Her weight who cares! She needs to survive at this point. I think medication is very helpful for a lot of issues, specifically bipolar she needs to take her meds.

You didn't think about this relationship maturely and now you have an issue. You are not in a place to be in a relationship with her and she is not in a place to be in a relationship with you. I think going to therapy together can help, but do you want her healthy or just skinny?

November 2, 2015

Most people do not "grow out" of bipolar DISEASE its a serious condition that usually means a life long battle.

Actually many people do grow out of being BiPolar. I think she actually has almost completely grown out of it. She was severely BiPolar for most of her life. Now I don't even think she needs the "mood stabilizers" anymore, but the doctors are f'ing useless.

Are you in therapy? Is she is therapy? What about couples therapy?

Yes, yes and soon. We both get IC. We tried couples therapy and she stormed out. Twice. But we're going to try again.

This is done serious shiit that can't be fixed by throwing drugs at it. This is going to be an uphill battle, that professionals should be helping with.

In my experience. Professionals are anything but. A psychiatrist see's each patient for 15 minutes once a month and writes them a prescription. I see her every day riding out the mess of drugs some over-medicated quack doctor prescribed her to "keep her safe" In my opinion most pharmaceutical drugs are just various degree's of chemically lobotomizing the patient so they won't be a danger to themself or society. Doctors don't give a ****.

This relationship makes me think of the term "throwing good money after bad" now you are stuck, and just keep sinking deeper and deeper....

Making it rain is pretty much the only thing I can contribute at this point. Nobody cares what I have to say about her medications. The doctors won't listen to me. She only listens to the doctors. I've spent 8 months researching medications and her various illness. But nobody cares what I think.

Ever consider rather than you "saving" her - that she will be the ruin of you both?

Only once every 30 seconds.

Answers in bold.

November 2, 2015

Back to some of the best advice I ever received from my dad.

"Don't do crazy"

You signed up for a hotty that was guaranteed heart ache.

A plain and sane girl would have probably lead to much more happiness.

Ever hear the advice that you can't change someone, and that you have to love them for who they are?

Well, you have mentally ill, fat and unhealthy - love it or leave it (and how does she love you back in her mentally ill, drugged to the nines state? Emotions usually go right out the door along with the libido)

November 2, 2015

Well now we have a problem. You went into this relationship probably thinking b/c you didn't see the issues they didn't really exist. You underestimated what was going on. Fribromyalgia - she may not even be able to work out! This girl is in chronic mental and physical pain. Her weight who cares! She needs to survive at this point. I think medication is very helpful for a lot of issues, specifically bipolar she needs to take her meds.

You didn't think about this relationship maturely and now you have an issue. You are not in a place to be in a relationship with her and she is not in a place to be in a relationship with you. I think going to therapy together can help, but do you want her healthy or just skinny?

Both. Is a life of being highly medicated, in chronic pain, with no libido and impending obesity even a life worth living? I would rather date the person she was in the past... high libido, sexy, a little manic and crazy... that sounds preferable to the fat, sexless Rx zombie she's become

November 2, 2015

Therapy isn't once a while in a office to get some drugs.

I am talking at least an hour a week in counseling. When in crisis (as you two are), 2-3 hours a week is not unheard of.

Look for counseling / therapist -they can't prescribe drugs if they wanted to (vs a psychiatrist)

My mother suffers from some of her list. And yes, the drs just throw drugs at her. She can't maintain relationshis or a life for that matter. Like your girl, she sits at home, gains weight, and lives pilled out of her mind. She has been a zombie for 15 years now. My brother and I take care of her bills, and she just "maintains" lives without living.

My sister started down the same path, but instead enrolled in intensive therapy, its a life long struggle, and she still goes at least an hour a week - but is able to function now / maintain a relationship.

November 2, 2015

OP, this is clearly more than you can handle. Don't stay with her out of pity. Plus you sound somewhat resentful. Not all relationships are destined to survive through thick and thin.

November 2, 2015

Back to some of the best advice I ever received from my dad.

"Don't do crazy"

You signed up for a hotty that was guaranteed heart ache.

A plain and sane girl would have probably lead to much more happiness.

Ever hear the advice that you can't change someone, and that you have to love them for who they are?

Well, you have mentally ill, fat and unhealthy - love it or leave it (and how does she love you back in her mentally ill, drugged to the nines state? Emotions usually go right out the door along with the libido)

She does love me, in a Rx zombie type of way.

I've always dated the hot=crazy types. I thought I was a master at navigating through the minefield of madness that goes along with hot=crazy. But this is different. I think I would do better if she was still hot=crazy. But it's this fat+sexless=Rx zombie thing that I'm not enjoying. I'll take hot=crazy all day long. That is what I signed up for. Not this fat+sexless=bull****.

November 2, 2015

Then MAN UP and break up with her. You aren't some martyr.

(Course I will never understand someone who cases crazy, you must love drama and heartache)

November 2, 2015

I genuinely feel for the girl but relationships are tough and certain issues can be a breaking point. Not everyone is cut out for dating people with certain conditions. What I don't understand is why you keep moaning on here. You know how you feel. You're just going to have to bite the bullet and do something about it. Don't stay with her out of guilt. If you're at a point where your head is going around in circles, you're just prolonging the torture.

What do you think will happen if you break up with her?

November 2, 2015

OP, this is clearly more than you can handle. Don't stay with her out of pity. Plus you sound somewhat resentful. Not all relationships are destined to survive through thick and thin.

There is an element of pity, but I also just care about her. I want her to be healthy and happy so we can have a normal life together. Fat+sexless is starting to become more than I can handle though. I can be strong and hold on while she's getting better, but thick and thin is an important distinction. Not thick and thicker.

November 2, 2015

I genuinely feel for the girl but relationships are tough and certain issues can be a breaking point. Not everyone is cut out for dating people with certain conditions. What I don't understand is why you keep moaning on here. You know how you feel. You're just going to have to bite the bullet and do something about it. Don't stay with her out of guilt. If you're at a point where your head is going around in circles, you're just prolonging the torture.

What do you think will happen if you break up with her?

She would

A) Become a prostitute to support herself and live on the street

B) Commit suicide

November 2, 2015

There is an element of pity, but I also just care about her. I want her to be healthy and happy so we can have a normal life together. Fat+sexless is starting to become more than I can handle though. I can be strong and hold on while she's getting better, but thick and thin is an important distinction. Not thick and thicker.

I don't think you understand the real issue. In a relationship, you have to accept that the person you're dating is an individual. You're not entitled to demand anything of them. You accept them for what they are at that moment in time or you cut your losses and find something which suits you more. So there's no reason why you are entitled to sex from her. Likewise, you don't have to stay with someone without needs being fully met. But you need to let her go so she can find someone more able to cope with her health demands. And you need to go to something less demanding if that's what you want. Trying to change her is a not a solution to your predicament.

November 2, 2015

She would
A) Become a prostitute to support herself and live on the street
B) Commit suicide

Is it really that bad? Do you live together?

Does she have somewhere to live? Is there a nearby facility that can help her such as a woman's shelter?

November 2, 2015

Do you really think you are going to fix her?

Would you accept never having a healthy relationship / sex life / girlfriend - this is it? She's THE ONE?

November 3, 2015

Would you accept never having a healthy relationship / sex life / girlfriend - this is it? She's THE ONE?

Good question. If OP can't say he is prepared to accept life together without things ever changing, then that's the end of the road.

November 3, 2015

Is it really that bad? Do you live together?

Does she have somewhere to live? Is there a nearby facility that can help her such as a woman's shelter?

It really is that bad. She lives at my house. I support her. She has nowhere else to turn. With her health problems there's nowhere she could go where she could be comfortable and safe. She talks a lot about suicide. She never wanted to live like this. She's tried to leave me several times because she wants me to be happy and she feels like she's a burden. But she always comes back because she has nowhere to go. To leave her would literally be a death sentence. And I do really love her. But the weight of everything has been crushing. I just wish we could have a chance to have a normal life together. So yes, I moan on loveshack. But if you could understand what it's been like to fall in love with someone and watch them systematically fall apart in your arms... you'd be moaning too.

November 3, 2015

It really is that bad. She lives at my house. I support her. She has nowhere else to turn. With her health problems there's nowhere she could go where she could be comfortable and safe. She talks a lot about suicide. She never wanted to live like this. She's tried to leave me several times because she wants me to be happy and she feels like she's a burden. But she always comes back because she has nowhere to go. To leave her would literally be a death sentence. And I do really love her. But the weight of everything has been crushing. I just wish we could have a chance to have a normal life together. So yes, I moan on loveshack. But if you could understand what it's been like to fall in love with someone and watch them systematically fall apart in your arms... you'd be moaning too.

Okay that sounds really serious. Sorry if I sounded dismissive. I didn't mean to. It's different when you know the whole story. And I can understand that if you live with her, you can't very well turf her out onto the street. Does she have any family to care for her?

Have you considered seeking advice about her suicidal thoughts?

*virtual hugs*

November 3, 2015

The vast majority of women already have sort of body image issue, it's men like you that prompt these women to starve themselves to satisfy that barbie doll mentality that shallow men like you have. You may not be cognizant of that at all, but it's right here in black and white.

You may also be catapulting her into a life long battle with eating disorders in addition to the many problems she already has, should you try and get this girl back to her 125 pound self. You have a blatant disregard for her mental and physical state to satisfy your own wants. Do you really want to engage into that uphill battle?

I surely wish the girl to get the help she needs, for her sake and her sake alone.

November 3, 2015

Good question. If OP can't say he is prepared to accept life together without things ever changing, then that's the end of the road.

I guess that's the big truth right there. I was always praying that things would get better. The light at the end of the tunnel. That hope was what kept me strong, kept me going. Now I've reached a point where the truth has become clear. It's not going to get better. It's only going to get worse. My love can't fix her or save her. All she can do is drag me down with her. But now I love her so much that I can't walk away and watch her drown. I just can't. So now I'm stuck here doing down with her.

November 3, 2015

The vast majority of women already have sort of body image issue, it's men like you that prompt these women to starve themselves to satisfy that barbie doll mentality that shallow men like you have. You may not be cognizant of that at all, but it's right here in black and white.

You may also be catapulting her into a life long battle with eating disorders in addition to the many problems she already has, should you try and get this girl back to her 125 pound self. You have a blatant disregard for her mental and physical state to satisfy your own wants. Do you really want to engage into that uphill battle?

I surely wish the girl to get the help she needs, for her sake and her sake alone.

5'6" 125 lbs. for a woman is the definition of healthy.

5'6" 160 lbs is considered overweight

5'6" 190 lbs is obese

underweight would be anything less than 115

So I'm sorry if I want my girlfriend to be at a healthy weight rather than overweight or obese. How insensitive of me.

If I was expecting her to be 110 lbs maybe your point would be valid. Maybe. But she actually was 110 lbs for a long time and she was running marathons and working out for an hour+ every day. That sounds pretty healthy to me.

Edited November 3, 2015 by deadelvis

November 3, 2015

5'6" 125 lbs. for a woman is the definition of healthy.
5'6" 160 lbs is considered overweight
5'6" 190 lbs is obese

underweight would be anything less than 115

So I'm sorry if I want my girlfriend to be at a healthy weight rather than overweight or obese. How insensitive of me.

Don't be too scientific about this. There are other factors to include such as body type. I'm usually heavier than people expect, for instance, because I am genuinely big-boned. There's nothing wrong with being slightly overweight. There's a world of difference between overweight and obese and you are being picky. A woman's weight fluctuates a lot through her lifetime and will only stay constant if she is able to constantly put in the work. But life happens and it's not always possible to be at your optimum weight. Some of my friends have small children and I don't but even I find it hard to find time to work out. It's even harder for them and they are trying to shift baby weight too.

November 3, 2015

Do not stay in this relationship out of pity. Life is tough. She will find a way to survive. Or else you will live a long life of misery and what ifs. It seems you've tried everything. A little weight gain is understandable but this is too extreme.

November 3, 2015

She would
A) Become a prostitute to support herself and live on the street
B) Commit suicide

Maybe she'd just go back to her mom's like she did a couple of weeks ago when she asked for a break and moved out.

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Shallow Hal effect... can I make myself attracted to her?

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