Shallow Hal effect... can I make myself attracted to her?

[thecrucible]

Telling her straight up about how you feel would be a bit harsh. You're going to have to approach this very delicately. First try and talk to her (subtly) and establish whether she might be stressed out or going through a hard time as that can contribute to a woman putting on weight.

 

You can support her by making working out at the gym and getting healthy together a project for the both of you - something you are doing collectively as it's not only about her. When you have a meal together, you could go shopping for healthy dinner and cook for the both of you rather than eating out at a restaurant. It's better to talk about it in terms of health rather than personal appearance. Think about how you would like her to talk to you if she was in your shoes.

 

She also probably realises she has gained weight and may want to lose herself anyway so you don't need to point this out in a really obvious way that would make her feel less confident. Try and help her feel more confident about herself by treating her to nice clothes or a confidence boosting beauty treatment.

 

This has happened to many people before in relationships I'm sure and can also come from a woman's point of view if her man has suddenly changed and put on some weight. You have to give it time and try and have some perspective as everyone has their ups and downs.

[thecrucible]

Right, but that's for normal relationships. She has no libido from the countless head-meds she's on. So no F'ing like rabbits. There's not honeymoon bliss when one person is unhealthy both mentally and physically. I had hoped her health (mental and physical) would improve, we'd get back in shape together, she'd get off all these god-damn prescription drugs and get her libido back. I pictured us fit, happy and F'ing like bunnies. Instead it's been 8 months of watching her get sicker and sicker, fatter and fatter and more and more depressed. Not to mention she has zero libido. But I do love her. I just hate the situation I find myself in. It's totally f***ed. I'm getting on antidepressants this week just to deal with this ****

 

It seems to me like her libido is more of the issue than her weight. So don't bring up the weight issue at all. Just talk to her about getting more intimate together and talk about it not in terms of getting your rock off but bonding as a couple. Ask her what you can do in the relationship to get it back to where it was.

 

I know a couple who went through troubles with libido due to prescription and they went to the doctor and she got different drugs, which helped the issue considerably.

 

Don't give up at the first hurdle. Discuss what you can do to make things better.

[RecentChange]

Sometimes love simply isn't enough Deadelvis.

 

Sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest.

[deadelvis]

I love her. I can't abandon her. If I left her she would be literally living on the street. No job. No house. Parents are losers. No friends to help. She'd be proper f'ed if I left her. And I do love her. But my god. What a project. If I'd read the fine print I wouldn't have touched this with a ten foot pole. Now I'm in love with her so there's not much I can do. Honestly if she was fit, happy and had a libido, I'd be perfectly happy with my life and I never would have joined LS in the first place.

[losangelena]

Jesus, everyone, read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/544953-how-delicately-tell-your-partner-they-getting-fat

 

We've been on this roller coaster before.

 

Don't worry, DE she'll probably be out of your hair come New Years. That is if she's not so fat she can't fit through the the door.

[RecentChange]

And now you need drugs to deal with your mental health because of her issues?

 

For the love of God man, what are you doing? Quit being scared of the pain of cutting the cord, and let the caged bird free. This isn't good for either of you.

[deadelvis]

It seems to me like her libido is more of the issue than her weight. So don't bring up the weight issue at all. Just talk to her about getting more intimate together and talk about it not in terms of getting your rock off but bonding as a couple. Ask her what you can do in the relationship to get it back to where it was.

 

I know a couple who went through troubles with libido due to prescription and they went to the doctor and she got different drugs, which helped the issue considerably.

 

Don't give up at the first hurdle. Discuss what you can do to make things better.

 

The libido issue is beyond f'ed. We've tried everything. I've narrowed it down to being the side effects of her various medications combined with stress and depression. But there's nothing more I can do about that. I stopped pushing for sex. I masturbate and occasionally we have sex. But now that she's so fat it makes it easier for me to not have sex. She doesn't masturbate, she doesn't want sex. She just has zero interest in sex. Once a month she tries to masturbate and gives up. She can reach orgasm during sex about one out of every 10 or 20 times we have sex. She has no interest in sex. But I've had numerous threads on that issue. I've given up on a healthy sex life.

[deadelvis]

She simply could not survive without me. She would be on the street. I don't have much choice at this point.

[RecentChange]

So what does your psychiatrist think about this codependency?

[deadelvis]

Jesus, everyone, read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/544953-how-delicately-tell-your-partner-they-getting-fat

 

We've been on this roller coaster before.

 

Don't worry, DE she'll probably be out of your hair come New Years. That is if she's not so fat she can't fit through the the door.

 

Oh yeah. I forgot about that thread. That was only 2 months ago and she's gained 20 lbs since then...

[kpl]

The weight gain seems like the least of her problems and focusing on it is going to cause her mental health issues to worsen. No one wants to go through depression and I'm sure a part of her feels guilty for putting you through this. Suggesting you work out more to lose weight is something you tell a mentally healthy person to do. My suggestion is you put the focus on getting her better mentally. Working out and activities and doing some of the things she used to enjoy seems like the best choice. Put your focus on shifting her mood and support ing her the weight will come off when she is happier.

 

If not, realize that you are with something who is mentally not well and you can be a friend and love her with out dating her. The support doesn't have to go away b/c you aren't dating.

[deadelvis]

So what does your psychiatrist think about this codependency?

 

I think it's that *******'s fault for giving her a whole bucketfull of drugs rather than addressing the real issues. I'd love to paint the walls with his grey palette.

[kpl]

She simply could not survive without me. She would be on the street. I don't have much choice at this point.

 

Was she on the street when you met her?

[deadelvis]

The weight gain seems like the least of her problems and focusing on it is going to cause her mental health issues to worsen. No one wants to go through depression and I'm sure a part of her feels guilty for putting you through this. Suggesting you work out more to lose weight is something you tell a mentally healthy person to do. My suggestion is you put the focus on getting her better mentally. Working out and activities and doing some of the things she used to enjoy seems like the best choice. Put your focus on shifting her mood and support ing her the weight will come off when she is happier.

 

If not, realize that you are with something who is mentally not well and you can be a friend and love her with out dating her. The support doesn't have to go away b/c you aren't dating.

 

I agree, however she's got this idea that it's either

A) Be completely zombified on prescription drugs and accept the side effects (fat, no sex etc.)

B) Be crazy

[deadelvis]

Was she on the street when you met her?

 

No she was staying with her mom. But her mom got divorced and moved out of her house. Now her mom is living in a tiny studio and there's nowhere for her to live. Plus it was just a bad situation living with her mom.

[kpl]

I agree, however she's got this idea that it's either

A) Be completely zombified on prescription drugs and accept the side effects (fat, no sex etc.)

B) Be crazy

she needs to go to a therapist

[kpl]

No she was staying with her mom. But her mom got divorced and moved out of her house. Now her mom is living in a tiny studio and there's nowhere for her to live. Plus it was just a bad situation living with her mom.

 

You are not her savior she will survive with or without you

[deadelvis]

I honestly don't think she needs any drugs. She was BiPolar in the past but I think she's grown out of it. She has physical health problems that she gets treatment for and she takes painkillers. But I don't think she needs mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, antidepressants, antianxiety, etc. etc.

 

It's like they're trying to chemically lobotomize the poor girl. No wonder she's fat and sexless.

[stillafool]

Does she have a job? So let me get this straight, you cannot leave her because she would be on the street. Does this mean you are going to marry her and take care of her for the rest of her life?

 

 

All the advice for "dealing with a girlfriend who gets fat" seems

focused on helping her lose the weight. I'm already doing that.

 

I would never give you that advice. It isn't your responsibility to help her lose weight. She has to do this for herself and because she wants to. You can't assume responsiblity for her weight unless you are force feeding her every night.

[seekingluck]

A combination of hypothyroidism, (which she is now on medication for) and weight gain from her BiPolar meds, also she's been sick and unable to work out. She always worked out a lot in the past. Now she has chronic illness. Her diet hasn't been great either, but that's my fault for taking her to fancy restaurants all the time. Of course depression was a part of it. And having a boyfriend who supports her...

 

She made some comments about choosing her mental health over her physique. It sounded to me like she was accepting her new life as a manatee.

 

I am hypo and it is an uphill battle to work out. Mostly because you barely have the energy to stay awake, much less work out hard. Additionally when your hormones are out of whack, you can gain with no change in your eating habits. Happened to me. I gained 20 pounds in 2-3 months when my meds were off. I was even eating less.

 

Sounds like you should leave, since you are calling her a manatee right now. You don't seem like you care. She isn't hot enough for you anymore so you are out. Do her a favor and leave.

[seekingluck]

Right, but that's for normal relationships. She has no libido from the countless head-meds she's on. So no F'ing like rabbits. There's not honeymoon bliss when one person is unhealthy both mentally and physically. I had hoped her health (mental and physical) would improve, we'd get back in shape together, she'd get off all these god-damn prescription drugs and get her libido back. I pictured us fit, happy and F'ing like bunnies. Instead it's been 8 months of watching her get sicker and sicker, fatter and fatter and more and more depressed. Not to mention she has zero libido. But I do love her. I just hate the situation I find myself in. It's totally f***ed. I'm getting on antidepressants this week just to deal with this ****

 

 

And the lack of libido is a symptom of hypothyroidism. The depression is too. I'd encourage her to go to an endocrinologist. These things are all pretty related.

[deadelvis]

Here's a partial list...

 

Physical Problems:

ankylosing spondylitis

sjogren's syndrome

fibromyalgia

hypothyroidism

(others unknown)

 

Mental Problems:

BiPolar2

GAD - extreme

BPD

OCD

 

Meds (when we met 8 months ago)

Hydrocodone

Benzo's

Seroquel

Effexor

Lamictal

(note. she was on MAXIMUM DOSAGE of all these)

 

Meds Now

Hyrdocodone

Benzo's

Resperidol

Thyroid Medication

[xxoo]

How can I convince myself that "big is beautiful" when every molecule in my body say's otherwise?

 

If this is a serious question, the first step would be to stop thinking of and referring to her as a manatee--or any other nasty ways to describe her body.

 

Focus on her beauty. She may have beautiful features, hair, hands, lips, laugh, etc. Focus on her talents. Does she light up when she's dancing, working, or creating? Focus on the way she makes you feel.

 

Be kind when describing her body. Speak of her lovingly, describing her best characteristics.

 

Have great sex with her. If you pair great sexual experiences with her body, you will associate her body with great sex.

[deadelvis]

If this is a serious question, the first step would be to stop thinking of and referring to her as a manatee--or any other nasty ways to describe her body.

 

Sorry. That's a good point.

 

Focus on her beauty. She may have beautiful features, hair, hands, lips, laugh, etc. Focus on her talents. Does she light up when she's dancing, working, or creating? Focus on the way she makes you feel.

 

Dancing, working or creating? Are you in the right thread? You mean sleeping eating and watching TV?

 

Be kind when describing her body. Speak of her lovingly, describing her best characteristics.

 

Word. I can dig that.

 

Have great sex with her. If you pair great sexual experiences with her body, you will associate her body with great sex.

 

Yeah you must be in the wrong thread. No sex here.

 

Answers in bold

[xxoo]

Answers in bold

 

I'd suggest those issues are the real problem. Why are you making it about her weight, then?