I don't mind going slow but... [UPDATE: Worried about gf...]

[MrDuck]

Looking in from outside , I guess she wants a deeper emotional connection with you than something that is based just on sexual desire, which we all know, vanishes quickly with nothing to hold on for long term sustainability.

 

Does she know that you are serious about her? I mean , not just wanting to have another fling? Do you , personally see her as a serious relationship girl with you?

She could be getting the ' bad boy ' vibe from you , which is keeping her on her guard.

 

 

Yeah, well I hope that is what she wants because that's what I want too! I don't want flings, been there done that. I see this girl as someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I could marry this girl. I could have a family with this girl. I couldn't be more serious.

 

 

I always think like 'bad boy' sounds like some broody teenager with floppy hair who's out to get something and I was never that. I was Mr Class Clown, if eyes weren't on me and people weren't laughing I wasn't doing my job properly! Yeah I was a bit of a goodtime guy, party boy, whatever you call it, (I guess very literally a good-time Charlie haha ) but I didn't run round like promising girls the earth and breaking their hearts, that was never my game.

 

 

There probably was a time people thought I was incapable of taking anything seriously, maybe I was, but that's not true anymore, travelling, a man I met who was a better dad to me than my father ever was, and most of all my son changed that. She has only known me as I am now, post travel and Bodhi. Sure I still like to have fun but I can completely take things seriously!

I'm still me, I'll still wear a Hawaiian shirt to the Christmas party, pull stupid faces in every photo and dance on the table (no alcohol needed), but I take my son very seriously, my work very seriously, and I take her and our relationship together very seriously.

 

 

Meeting family etc is a good sign !

Yeah I think so too

[Glitters]

Well , I guess, you guys are doing just fine. It's probably like meshing of different personalities that will take actually work out great , as you will bring a bit of thrill and she will bring calmness.

 

Are you a single dad ? Where is the mom ? Were you married ?

[MrDuck]

Well , I guess, you guys are doing just fine. It's probably like meshing of different personalities that will take actually work out great , as you will bring a bit of thrill and she will bring calmness.

This is why I say that like, everything else in the relationship is great! People that kind of know us tend to be surprised we're a couple, people that actually know us always say how well we balance each other out.

 

 

I honestly don't have any other issues within the relationship than what I put in the OP. Like I say, we're going pretty slow, but in her company I'm very happy. I don't think she even knows how easily she makes me smile.

 

Are you a single dad ? Where is the mom ? Were you married ?

I am, I have sole custody. She's actually from Paris, working in Brazil at the moment. Oh no we were never married!

 

 

We were friends, travelled together for a bit, and dated for a while she is probably the only other girl I've ever loved. But its funny I was just talking about me and my gf balancing each other because that's what we never did, I said earlier, I know myself well enough to know I benefit from having solid, down to earth types around me, that's what makes me the best version of myself. In my relationship with my ex I was having to be the practical one, sort out details, it didn't work. We made great friends but a poor couple.

She's a good person, tirelessly passionate about her work, we had good times and I'll always feel warm towards her because if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have Bodhi!

[MrDuck]

I'm not one to kiss and tell, not really my style, but I appreciate everyone who took the time out of their day to help me with my relationship, so I feel I owe an update:

Things are still good between me and my gf and we took our relationship to a more physical level a couple of nights ago (..and again the following morning haha ). Must be that Christmas spirit!

 

 

Thanks again guys

[kitty12345]

I'm not one to kiss and tell, not really my style, but I appreciate everyone who took the time out of their day to help me with my relationship, so I feel I owe an update:

Things are still good between me and my gf and we took our relationship to a more physical level a couple of nights ago (..and again the following morning haha ). Must be that Christmas spirit!

 

 

Thanks again guys

 

Duh! Here I was waiting patiently that you will drop her and I'll handle her with care , give her all the time in the world to get there even if it meant after marriage !

 

It sucks to not have a nice girl. I crave that connection that I got once but because of my ' fun days' , didn't valve ! Living in regrets ,kitty.

[Glitters]

So how was it ?

 

It's interesting that when it comes to settling down ,many guys ultimately want to do so with a woman who hasn't had many partners.

 

Her inexperience worked in your favor!

[MrDuck]

Duh! Here I was waiting patiently that you will drop her and I'll handle her with care , give her all the time in the world to get there even if it meant after marriage !

Hahah Sorry matey!

 

It sucks to not have a nice girl. I crave that connection that I got once but because of my ' fun days' , didn't valve ! Living in regrets ,kitty.

If you spend the your time regretting the past you never focus on the present!

[MrDuck]

So how was it ?

 

It's interesting that when it comes to settling down ,many guys ultimately want to do so with a woman who hasn't had many partners.

 

Her inexperience worked in your favor!

 

Haha now that's for me to know

 

 

Its funny cause I know a lot of guys get funny about that but it really isn't something that factors for me. If I judged people on the past or on preconceptions id be the biggest hypocrite in the book!

 

 

Plus I didn't realise she'd had so few boyfriends previously. She'd of had a lot of options (but obviously she just holds out for the very best :laugh:)

[MrDuck]

I’ve been spending a bit more time around my gf’s family as of late 1) because of xmas and 2) because me and her have been going so good recently.

Tldr: Last two paragraphs

 

I don’t want to say they don’t like me, certainly not in a “you need to break up with him” kind of way. They’re nice people. But I kind of get the feeling that I’m not what they expected.

(Fast facts are: I'm 23, my gf's 21. We work together, so I've spent 5 days a week with her for two years. We've been seeing each other since mid june. I'm a sole parent, I have an 7 year old son. I've travelled since I was 16, really. Lived and worked on a game reserve in Africa for 2 years, came home when I was 21. We have a little house where we live with my two younger brothers. My girlfriend, she's wicked! She's funny (like me:cool:), good looking (like me:cool:), short fused (like me:o). But seriously she's everything I didn't even know I was looking for till I met her!)

 

Her dad & her 2 older brothers are you straight up macho-man builders. Even her best friend said joking around that that's the type shes always gone for, or liked in the past.. So I think they’re a little surprised.

It’s not that I’m not macho or masculine! I boxed and raced bikes as a teenager, I can track, hunt & fish my dinner, theres not much I cant fix with some duck tape & string, and I've volunteered on building projects round the world where I built homes or classrooms with very basic materials and tools, I can build. Plus I play rugby on sundays. Rugby is 80mins of pretending you’re not bleeding when you are! ..I think I’m suitably macho to take care of a family!

 

But I’m not the most conventional blokey bloke in the world either. Cause yeah you probably wont see me out of a bandana, I’ve currently got about 6 braclettes on my wrist, and maybe you’d say my wardrobe verges on a little bit boho. I practice yoga every single day with my son, and I wear my heart completely on my sleeve.

 

And I just get the vibe her mum thinks I’m a bit flaky. My dad’s an Irish traveller, and we actually travelled a bit when I was very young, but then he stopped, I grew up on a caravan site. I left as soon as I could at 16 and travelled the world. I didn't think i’d ever come home but I did and I found family and I fully intend to stay. I want my son to see the world but I want him to have somewhere he calls home too.

I’d be lying if I said it was something I’d always wanted but my gf makes me want marriage, a family, a white picket fence and a dog. I can’t say I’ll never want to travel anymore. I do but only if i’m taking the people I love with me.

 

Anyway, I just get the feeling that i’m not what they expected and everyone seems to think she’s lost the plot a bit or something.

And I don’t really know what to do about that? Normally I wouldn't give a second thought, I have a tattoo on my arm that says “Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out". I know I’m not exactly conventional but how boring is conventional!!! And I actually think that's why me and her work. She’s a direct, independent, practical, competitive, a complete wind-up merchant! I think she’d clash with anyone too straight laced or who took himself too seriously. I’m much more flexible, laid back, happy-go-lucky. I think that's why we gel so good.

She thinks yoga’s stupid. But I never get tired of making her do it with me and making up stupid poses that don’t even exist, till she figures out i’m having her on :lmao: We’re different, yeah. But we’re a good team.

 

My worry is that like she’s soooooo close to her family. Really close. And I feel like, recently, I feel like she’s a little disappointed that they haven’t been more “Wow, we love him!”. 1) I’d honestly like to be part of her family. They’re nice people and it’s not like I have much family to speak of, and 2) I know she wants me to be part of her family and I worry like if they’re hesitant about be that that's going to get into her head.

 

I don’t really know how to play it.. wether to bring it up or not, wether to just keep my head down a bit, but then I’m just faking it. I’m just not really sure.

[Glitters]

Take clues from your gf. If she is fine with you , her family wouldn't be an issue. From what I remember about your previous post , you both compliment each other greatly, don't let minor issues like family ruin it. As long as you both are a strong team, other issues are just a hurdle that can be overcome together.

 

All parents want their kids to be happy. Once they see that you make her happy, everything will fall into place.If she has issues / doubts with you then yes, it will add to their doubts about you.

[d0nnivain]

Be yourself. Be good to their daughter. As long as you can provide for a family & treat her nicely even if they think you are a bit unconventional, most good people will get over that & appreciate the positives you bring.

 

 

Understand though, to me, of everything you describe you having a 7 year old at 23 gives the impression that you had wild teenage years. It's awesome & mature that you spend time with your son but having a kid at 16 is very young. That fact alone may tarnish you in the family's eyes, especially if they are conservative.

[MrDuck]

Take clues from your gf. If she is fine with you , her family wouldn't be an issue. From what I remember about your previous post , you both compliment each other greatly, don't let minor issues like family ruin it. As long as you both are a strong team, other issues are just a hurdle that can be overcome together.

All parents want their kids to be happy. Once they see that you make her happy, everything will fall into place.If she has issues / doubts with you then yes, it will add to their doubts about you.

Right, yeah I feel like we do compliment each other well. I feel like our relationships in a really good place.

Yeah, and like i'm the first guy that shes introduced to all the family, so they must see we're pretty serious. I'm a dad so I totally get you don't want to see your kid hurt, but I don't want to hurt her. I'm 100%, both feet in this.

 

I thought I might invite them round to dinner, maybe her whole family, maybe just her mum & dad, and like cook? but I don't know if that comes off like I'm trying to hard and I should just relax a bit?

 

 

Be yourself. Be good to their daughter. As long as you can provide for a family & treat her nicely even if they think you are a bit unconventional, most good people will get over that & appreciate the positives you bring.

Yeah you're right. I guess I can't really do anything else, I can't pretend to be someone else cause that's stupid.

I just feel like, it's stupid, but like I've let her down. She'd never say that! She'd never say that she was disappointed, but I can see in her eyes. The girl idolises her family (I love that about her), and I know how much she wanted them to like me and even if she wouldn't say so I can see she's a little disappointed with there reaction.

I never really cared what people think about me, but I care a lot about making her happy. I don't want her to feel she has to explain why she's with me..

 

Understand though, to me, of everything you describe you having a 7 year old at 23 gives the impression that you had wild teenage years. It's awesome & mature that you spend time with your son but having a kid at 16 is very young. That fact alone may tarnish you in the family's eyes, especially if they are conservative.

Yeah, I was a bit of a pillock for a while!

17, I had my son at 17 (That's cause I copied and pasted from my last thead without proof reading I'm 24 now). But yeah it's still wayyy young. Way young! I know completely what the perception is when you've had a kid in your teens, that you're irresponsible and whatever. I completely understand that, but I'd also ask anyone who was going to judge my character on that to also consider that I didn't balk when she told me she was pregnant, he was my son and I wanted him from the start. Then I raised him as a single parent from 17. I'd never even had a good parent to learn from, I totally made it up as I went along. I did every night shift, I walked up and down with him every night till he went to sleep, I fed him, I changed nappies, and I still worked, and I still travelled. I taught him how to avoid treading on snakes, and to swim, and to read (I couldn't read well till I was 9!!). I don't want a medal for that or pat on my back because he's my son, its my job, and he just so happens to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me too!

I completely accept that you're right, they very well might think like 'oh he's a single dad' and see it as a negative. Me and Bodhi are a package deal, she's in a relationship with me but we come as a pair, and she's only 21! But I hope they'd also consider that I don't walk away from the people I love, i'm not the most conventional dad but that boy knows I love him and i'll stick by him, and I love their daughter, and i'll stick by her too.

[hasaquestion]

Wow. I think you sound like a great catch. Kid and all.

[Glitters]

Don't over analyze. It's going to bring up issues even when there aren't any. She sounds a nice girl who loves you. If she loves her family , they will love you too, for the only reason that she loves you. Period. Keep your relationship with her strong , because in the end that's all that matters.

Don't do the cooking thing yet.

[MrDuck]

Wow. I think you sound like a great catch. Kid and all.

Hahahah cheers

 

 

Don't over analyze. It's going to bring up issues even when there aren't any. She sounds a nice girl who loves you. If she loves her family , they will love you too, for the only reason that she loves you. Period. Keep your relationship with her strong , because in the end that's all that matters.

Don't do the cooking thing yet.

True true! Maybe I just need to chill, give it more time. I've never done the whole 'meeting the family' thing. I just felt like she expected it to go better.

[Shepp]

Have they actually said anything negative about the relationship to her?

 

 

As long as they are supporting her (even if they doubt you) then I don't think you've got a problem that rocks your relationship.

 

 

Don't do the cooking thing yet.

 

I actually disagree with the above though. Even if they don't think you're right for her at least they know you're making an effort - that what they think is important to you. I can only see that works in your favour, to them she's still their little girl right, they want to protect her.

 

 

Plus even if they don't warm to you then at least you must score some boyfriend points in your girlfriend eyes. At the end of the day you're only going out of your way to make them like you cause it matters to her. I don't see how that does you any harm. Especially if it's your idea.

[MrDuck]

Have they actually said anything negative about the relationship to her?

She certainly hasn't said so.. I felt like I got a bit of a grilling for her mum but I do understand being protective of your kid.

 

I actually disagree with the above though. Even if they don't think you're right for her at least they know you're making an effort - that what they think is important to you. I can only see that works in your favour, to them she's still their little girl right, they want to protect her.

 

Plus even if they don't warm to you then at least you must score some boyfriend points in your girlfriend eyes. At the end of the day you're only going out of your way to make them like you cause it matters to her. I don't see how that does you any harm. Especially if it's your idea.

Right that was my thinking, but I dont wAnt to come off like I'm trying to schmooze them cause that's not what I'm about. It's be great if we could bond more and I'm genuine about having them over in order to spend some time together and let ot happen authentically. I don't want it to come off like I'm trying to flashy or try hard (I know thats massively over thinking). I'd normally just go straight with my gut but I sway back and forth in this.

 

I hear you on the second point though!

[Shepp]

She certainly hasn't said so.. I felt like I got a bit of a grilling for her mum but I do understand being protective of your kid.

If the girl doesn't take guys home then i'm not surprised if her folks want to grill the one she finally cares about enough to.

Just reading what you write you seem to have the answers to the questions like d0nnivain raises and to defend your life choices.

 

 

Right that was my thinking, but I dont wAnt to come off like I'm trying to schmooze them cause that's not what I'm about.

I don't think it does. Especially if you make it a laid back affair. I'm not suggesting a formal dinner party. Just a getting to know you thing.

 

 

Remember as well when talking about authenticity. Your girlfriend fell in love with you. These people didn't. You haven't met them in the way you'd meet a friend either - you (and your son, If he's met them?) have been introduced to them as an instant part of there family. You're a massive part of their daughter/sister's life but to them you're a basically stranger. When you go from zero/strangers to sitting at there Christmas table, in a very short space of time then that's never going to feel authentic. They're not going to instantly love you just cause she does.

[MrDuck]

If the girl doesn't take guys home then i'm not surprised if her folks want to grill the one she finally cares about enough to.

Just reading what you write you seem to have the answers to the questions like d0nnivain raises and to defend your life choices.

Right, I'm more than happy to answer their questions.

 

 

I don't think it does. Especially if you make it a laid back affair. I'm not suggesting a formal dinner party. Just a getting to know you thing.

Oh yeah, this is what I was thinking. I'm not a formal dinner party kinda of fella.

 

Remember as well when talking about authenticity. Your girlfriend fell in love with you. These people didn't. You haven't met them in the way you'd meet a friend either - you (and your son, If he's met them?) have been introduced to them as an instant part of there family. You're a massive part of their daughter/sister's life but to them you're a basically stranger. When you go from zero/strangers to sitting at there Christmas table, in a very short space of time then that's never going to feel authentic. They're not going to instantly love you just cause she does.

He has. He's a charmer though! Everyone loves Bodhi haha!

Yeah yeah I do understand that!

[mortensorchid]

Being around your SO's family is rough in many ways, depending on what type of people they are or are not. I'm very relaxed and try to be complacent and flexible, you can take me around any kind of person from any kind of background and I am happy to be with them. My family, however, is not. They are very stiff and seem to be always looking for a flaw in others, and it can be rough on whoever I am bringing before them. Quite honestly I get the feeling (and I have said this to them many times), I feel like no one I bring before them is good enough for them and they are constantly measuring them up to my high school sweetheart who I have been broken up from for over 22 years.

 

But to answer your question, relax. Be happy, show your best side to them, and they will like you.

[MrDuck]

A little background on our relationship: I'm 24, my GF's 22. I've travelled since I was 16, all over the world. Lived and worked on a game reserve in Africa for 2 years, came home when I was 21. I have 7 (almost 8) year old son and I'm a sole parent, I've raised him by myself. I live with my two half brothers, although the youngest is now away at uni.

 

I've known her about 3 years, we worked together, we've been dating since summer 2015. She's the most awesome girl I've ever met. I'm in stupid crazy love with her. She's everything I didn't even know I was looking for till I met her!

Getting to know her was a slow process, people we work with probably find her a bit aloof or arrogant even, but they're way off the mark, she's a little shy and awesome sarcastic and selective when it comes to people. She's also incredibly passionate & hard working, captivating and one of the kindest, loyalist, most genuine people I know.

She's also amazing with my boy which is obviously important!

 

I posted here before: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/556003-i-don-t-mind-going-slow-but When we'd been together 4 months and hadn't had sex, that she wanted to go really slow. Which I was okay with, but i was just concerned that our relationship wasnt progressing.

But in the end it seemed to be just a matter of time, and since then we've been going strength to strength.

 

Which brings you up to speed I'm worried about her, I am. She's had a really rough start to the year and it's taking a toll on her. Her mum's been unwell and is now awaiting surgery. Her best friend had been dating one of her brothers but that relationships recently gone south and now stuffs.. difficult, between her and her friend. And on top of that she had a really sh;tty few of days at work last week, it was sad for me too because we work in the same place and I'm equally invested in the animals, but I work in a different section so the responsibility and the hard decisions and that don't fall on me like it does her.

 

So anyway, she moved into mine last Tuesday :bunny: Which is great, like i say our relationships been going really well.

 

Then Friday, we had a pretty normal day, we'd both been at work and it was like her third consecutive really tough day, so I cooked homemade Chinese "takeaway" which is her absolute fave, and we just binged watched some netflix and went to bed.

 

So I shut up the house and get to bed a bit after her, get into bed, cuddle up, then i'm almost asleep and she tells me "I really really love you Mrduck (she doesnt actually call me Mrduck ) you know that right?". I told her that i knew and i loved her too and then i'm laying there for a bit again and then out of nowhere she suddenly starts telling me that she doesnt want me to think that the reason she made us go so slow in the beginning of our relationship meant she wasnt into me. Then she tells me that her ex kinda, basically forced her into sex. Apparently no didnt mean no for him.

 

I really didnt know what to say to be honest. She was like 'its not a big deal, i just thought you should know'. I did ask her why now, why she didnt tell me before, and she said shrugged it off, said that we live together now!

 

I didnt make a big deal cause i know shes not like that, but i felt like i should say something, so i kind of brought it up the next morning and told her that she can always tell me anything and if she ever wants to talk im right here, but she didnt want to talk about it.

 

I don't really know what I'm asking... I guess its just playing on my mind, i feel like obviously shes going through a really tough time anyway, so she is quite down at the moment... but i feel like.. is this something i should just let go, never mention again? Or is that being unsupported, should I be trying to talk it out more, I don't know? We've been together for a longgg time to be suddenly teling me this now, like why tell me after all this time if you dont want me to say or do something more than just forget about it? Or maybe its just cause shes having a rough time? I dunno, thoughts?

[Miss Spider]

I dunno why she kept it secret for so long, but it's definitely a good sign she's telling you now and she trusts you with it. Just continue being supportive as you have been is my advice

[Timshel]

She brought it up for a reason? I hope you have Ms. Duck reading if you are both serious about each other.

Why are you being shy over it?

 

Yes, ask her about it. If you're best friends and in it for the long haul, communicate.

[MrDuck]

I dunno why she kept it secret for so long, but it's definitely a good sign she's telling you now and she trusts you with it. Just continue being supportive as you have been is my advice

Yeah I am quite glad she told me, i want her to feel like she can tell me anything, but why so randomly now, just seemed odd to me

[MrDuck]

She brought it up for a reason?

Right! Thats kinda whats nagging me.. like if she honestly doesnt want to talk about it again or anything then why tell me now, after all this time.. but on the other hand shes not really the kinda girl to say one thing and mean another.

 

I hope you have Ms. Duck reading if you are both serious about each other.

What reading the thread?

 

Why are you being shy over it?

Yes, ask her about it. If you're best friends and in it for the long haul, communicate.

I'm not being shy per say.. Its hard to but into words.. Like i love her to absolute pieces but she's a complicated gal!

I'm such an open book, like i wear my emotions on my sleeve, if I'm passionate about something i'll shout it too the world. But she's not like that, on the surface she comes across as much more reserved, more direct, more guarded...

She's not the biggest 'people person', she has walls up and that can push people away, which is a shame because they never get to see how awesome she is underneath that! Shes totally different with me, like totally different, shes hilarious, and thoughtful and chatty.

But the thing is, she's also moody! Like she is. I have faults, I get carried away easily, i don't think things through, I lose stuff all the time! And she's moody!

 

Our relationship works because, shes not like that with me all the time, and on the occasional that she is.. it doesnt bother me!! I have the ability to hold a pretty great conversation just with myself, so i'll just happily chat away while she gives me just an occasional 'mmm'. The thing is i know its not a reflection on me or our relationship, she doesnt mean it like that, its just a part of who she is. She told me once that one of her favourite things is "half listening to me chat sh|t, while shes being a moody b|tch" she reckons it makes her feel happy. And im normally pretty damn great (if i say so myself) at drawing her out of herself, i can normally get her out of a mood and laughing with me in under 10 mins.

 

But, that said, shes not really someone that can be pushed into talking about something, like you can but its like getting blood out of a stone. Normally i just back off the subject, just be there and let her come to me, normally she does.

 

But this is different, i tried to bring it up and she just totally shut it down, and didn't bring it back up! Which is a really really long way of telling you, I'm not being shy about it, i just don't know what else to do really.

 

I don't mean to describe her in a bad light, like i say i love her crazy amounts, we get on like I've never got on with anyone, she's awesome. But I'm worried about her anyway because she has SO much on her plate at the moment, and I don't get why she'd tell me this now if it wasn't for a reason